Revolutionary: Kelly Slater thumbs nose at Michelob Ultra brewed with Organic Grains!

Chas Smith

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Last January during the Super Bowl we were all treated to a commercial for Michelob Ultra brewed with Organic Grains featuring Kelly Slater paddling on a surfboard whilst singing, “I like beer.” I cannot recall if this was before Michelob Ultra brewed with Organic Grains became the official beer sponsor of the World Surf League or after but whatever the case Kelly Slater became the face of Michelob Ultra brewed with Organic grains.

Alongside the now famous commercial Kelly Slater appears on many Michelob Ultra brewed with Organic Grains billboards around greater Los Angeles getting barreled in a large amber wave and of course Michelob Ultra brewed with Organic Grains became synonymous with his Surf Ranch during the just-wrapped Surf Ranch Pro (photo above).

Now, there has been chatter about Kelly Slater’s value as a pitchman. It was even wondered aloud if he is the world’s worst pitchman? At this point I think we can definitively say yes because as the face of Michelob Ultra brewed with Organic Grains Kelly Slater is asking for everyone not to drink it for one whole month.

He reposted a beautiful SOBER OCTOBER photo (borrowed from Joe Rogan) and wrote:

How easy (or difficult) is it for you to not drink right now for a month including Halloween? It’s Oktoberfest so maybe next month, right? Restraint is a great teacher. My girlfriend hasn’t had a drink in 4 months. I woke up hungover from New Year’s Eve for two days to start 2011 and decided to not have a drink for a year (although I drank a 🍺 the night of the Code Red swell in Tahiti cause I was stressed thinking somebody I knew was gonna die). But I’ve always said you should drink because you’re happy, not to feel better. Thoughts? I like to see @joerogan posting this. Who’s in? ✋🏽#OcSober

It really is a wonderful piece of honesty and now I feel bad for writing that Kelly Slater is the world’s worst pitchman and I am going to drink extra Michelob Ultras brewed with Organic Grains during October to support him.

What are you going to drink?

From the motivation-ain’t-free department: Come be inspired by surf luminaries!

Chas Smith

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A weekend guaranteed to change your life!

In two weeks the city of Los Angeles will host Worldz an event self-described as “…a global summit and community that unites tomorrow’s leaders with CEOs, CMOs & cultural icons to create the world of tomorrow. Our 2-day flagship summit is designed to connect, educate, and inspire you in both your personal and professional lives.”

These sorts of things confuse me badly as do most things business or business related. Is conference attendance a way to take two days off work while still getting paid? Do attendees actually expect to pick up useful information/make useful connections?

Should I be going to Worldz? Should you be?

It costs $1650 (regular), $2650 (VIP), $4650 (VVIP) if we purchase today. If we purchase tomorrow it will cost $200 more across the board.

There are very many speakers, almost too many to count, and amongst their rank are surfing’s best and brightest. What will they be speaking about? Let’s guess!

Sophie Goldschmidt: Chief Executive Officer at the World Surf League.

Sophie will spend her hour teaching tomorrow’s leaders how to alienate a core base while frustrating new potential partners. Would you like your business to fail vertically and horizontally? Ms. Goldschmidt is a must attend.

Sal Masekela: Commentator, Journalist, Musician, Producer, Connected Surf Groupie

Do you have famous surf friends and would you like the world to know that you have famous surf friends? Sal will help you navigate properly from loudly announcing that you just got an email from Kelly Slater to loudly taking a phone call from Kelly Slater. There will also be much talk about many other famous surf friends who really want to work with Sal on a variety of projects.

Stephanie Gilmore: 6x World Surfing Champion

Stephanie will explain how to surf with style to a room full of middle-aged Silicon Beach men who are excited about applying her insights to their lunchtime Venice Wavestorm sessions.

Kelly Slater: 11x World Champion, Entreprenuer

Whatever it is, it’ll be good. Kelly will also be forced to take a call from Sal Masekela after 11x missed calls. Sal will be in an adjoining room showing his attendees that he and Kelly are, in fact, friends.

I’m sure there are many, many more surf speakers but I seriously got carpel tunnel scrolling the list. You try here!

Filipe Toledo

Surf Gambling: Your BeachGrit-approved betting slip for the Quiksilver Pro France!

Derek Rielly

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Fantasy Surfer winner and former WCT surfer Blake Thornton and his hot tips for Hossegor!

Do you remember our pledge last month to turn five c-notes into many thousands of dollars via surf gambling in the back half of the WCT season? With a modest $500 deposit and the advice of former WCT surfer and 2015 Fantasy Surfer champion Blake Thornton, BeachGrit planned to beat hell out of Australia’s betting agencies. To drink from their brackish water and emerge not destitute but triumphant; our jackboot upon their necks and not, as is usually the case, the other way around.

The gambling angle appeals because: All the odds for WCT events are set by non-surfers using statistics and nothing else. There is no insider trading, no quarter given to the surf forecast, no nod to a surfer’s affinity with a particular wave.

It screams advantage. It’s why I ain’t never going near the dang horses.

We started modest enough at the Surf Ranch Pro, slow because without the usual heat format opportunities were limited. One hundred and fifty dollars wagered for a two hundred and fifty win. (Gabriel, fifty bucks at five to one.)

In Hossegor, with two hundred dollars to bet?

According to Thornton, and given the forecast of middling three-foot lefts, you gotta throw skin on Gabriel and Filipe. “The two in-form surfers from the Ranch and with the forecast looking the way it does you would expect ’em to be semis or better again in this event. Not rocket science, I know.”

Who else? Thornton says if he had to look elsewhere, Julian or Kolohe could fire up. “Julian has the full package and Kolohe is generally strong in Europe.”

How can someone beat Gabriel or Filipe? What sorta strategies must they employ?

“A surfer has to do what what they do well. eg. If it’s a four-foot rip-bowl left and Willy Cardoso is on point with his backhand cracks then that formula could put these guys to the sword. Surfers try and overdo it against Gabriel and Filipe and feel they have to go above and beyond to win. However with this year’s judging they can be beaten if crew stick to their strengths and just do it well.”

Dark horses? “My dark horses are based off what I think these guys will be surfing so I am looking at strong surfers in lefts at three-to-five foot who aren’t the regulars. Connor O’Leary grew up in left rip bowls and has all the tools. Michael Rodrigues, he has a fast backhand and hasn’t really clicked yet and the beachbreaks could suit him. Adriano has had a crummy year by his standards and has a crisp backhand attack. Plus he generally rises to the occasion against Medina and Toledo.”

Our wagers.

To win, $50 on Medina, $40 on Toledo, $30 on Julian, $20 on Kolohe $20 on Adriano, $20 on Connor O’Leary.

The smart gambler knows the multi-bet, picking multiple heat winners, is where the cash lies.

Round one?

A twenty on Adriano into Kolohe into Willy. That kinda swing could earn around fifteen to one or that twenty turns into three hundred.

And an editor’s note: BeachGrit isn’t affiliated with any betting agency. Oh we tried. Of course we tried. Anything to generate a little passive income, even if the money came red with spilled blood. (The deal is, affiliates get a cut of a gambling man’s losses.) Anyway, didn’t exactly fire so here we are. Putting our bread where our mouths are, as they say.

Breaking: Famous athlete apologizes for believing conspiracy theories!

Chas Smith

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For all the science teachers, everybody coming up to me like, 'You know I have to reteach my whole curriculum!' I'm sorry.

Last evening at a Forbes magazine event, the Boston Celtics’ star Kyrie Irving apologized for saying that he believes the earth is flat. He once told a teammate, “This is not even a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. … It’s right in front of our faces. I’m telling you, it’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us.”

The basketball player was on stage as part of the 30 under 30 summit and was asked by the interviewer to weigh in on his previous statement.

“Even if you believe in that, don’t come out and say that stuff. That’s for intimate conversations because perception and how you’re received, it changes. I’m actually a smart-ass individual,” he said.

“At the time I didn’t realize the effect. I was definitely at that time, ‘I’m a big conspiracy theorist. You can’t tell me anything.’ I’m sorry about all that. For all the science teachers, everybody coming up to me like, ‘You know I have to reteach my whole curriculum!’ I’m sorry. I apologize. I apologize,”

Hmmmm.

Professional surfing’s Kelly Slater has a reputation for peddling in conspiracy too, though he is virulently anti-flat earth. Huck magazine once asked him specifically about his love of the darker corners and he responded:

I’m into the truth. Not conspiracy theories. If you look at the big picture, somehow it all actually makes sense. For example, if I were a doctor, well, if everyone’s not sick, my job doesn’t exist anymore. I’m not saying doctors are bad, but if people aren’t sick, there’s no need for them. So we have this ‘self-creating’ society. There are a lot of pieces that work together. It’s like a big jigsaw puzzle. […] Look at cancer, for another example. There’s a lot of shitty food out there. Look at what’s happening with the environment and our food sources, and who’s controlling what. There are new diseases that didn’t exist a hundred years ago. A hundred years ago there wasn’t one out of a hundred and fifty kids being born with autism. There are a lot of really heavy things that are happening in the world, and you could pick any one of them and spend your life trying to fight for the whole cause, but number one you’ve got to look out for yourself and the people closest to you. I think, generally, the people who make the biggest changes in the world are the people you don’t even know. Obviously there’re people like Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela, but the people working behind the scenes – the people they get their information from – are generally people who are working with just small groups of people trying to understand what’s going on around them, rather than someone who’s looking at the bigger picture. I’m not really sure where I’m going with that, but basically, you can get too involved in big things and forget about the real things that matter.

Hmmmm.

Should Kelly apologize too?

From the marital-innovation department: Newport Beach man pleads guilty to waterboarding wife!

Chas Smith

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Immediately sentenced to 10 years in prison!

“That’s illegal?” is the first thing I thought after reading the My LA headline Newport Beach man pleads guilty to waterboarding newlywed wife. “Waterboarding is illegal?” Then I realized the story was not about surfing but continued reading anyhow.

A 37-year-old man accused of waterboarding and beating his 65-year-old wife of two months in Newport Beach pleaded guilty Monday and was immediately sentenced to 10 years in prison.

Richard David Schlosser II pleaded guilty to criminal threats, false imprisonment and corporal injury of a spouse, and admitted sentencing enhancement allegations of committing a crime while on bail. As part of the plea deal, a felony count of torture and a sentencing enhancement for causing great bodily injury to the victim were dropped.

From Jan. 5 through the next day, Schlosser attacked his bride for hours, while under the influence of drugs and alcohol, Senior Deputy District Attorney Mark Geller said.

“He did this for hours,” the prosecutor said. “He kept her captive in the apartment for hours … He actually waterboarded her.”

At some point, after he “sobered up,” the victim managed to contact a friend, who called police, Geller said. The victim had to be hospitalized for her injuries, according to the prosecutor.

For sure he surfs. How do I know? Because he lives in Newport and looks like this.

But I bet he surfs in Huntington and I bet he rides an epoxy Rockin’ Fig. Or maybe a Lib Tech waterboard.

Buy here!

Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
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