"Together, we’re going to get through this challenging time of joy and holiday cheer!"
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The time for caroling and rum toddies and snowflakes on, well, whatever the fuck snowflakes fall on. I don’t know much about snow.
It’s also the season for paddling out to surf with 500 of your closest friends, their five children, their ten grandchildren, and their racist uncle. Christmas means apocalyptically crowded lineups, at least in Southern California.
There’s the dads pushing their precious darlings into waves, sending them bouncing down the face to splat into the white water, bobbing and sinking like bath toys. There’s the rippers finally out of school and ready to master that elusive air reverse. This time! This time I’m going to make it! Oh. Okay. Maybe next time. There’s someone’s inland relative on a Wavestorm, floating blissfully unaware into the impact zone.
Forget the good will toward men, you are going to want to kill everyone. Honestly, it’s not even Christmas week yet, and I already want to kill everyone.
A week or so ago, I had to ban myself from Rincon for yelling at a lady on a midlength. Maybe she deserved it, but mostly, she was the latest in a long line of annoyances on a day filled with them. I’m good at crowds, until I’m not. I haven’t decided entirely how long my ban lasts, but next week doesn’t seem like the best time to return to the scene of the crime.
What to do? I have assembled a few suggestions, because I am totally here to help my friends — even my friends who aren’t sure I’m an actual person. (I am! I promise Chas did not yell at the midlength lady. That was all me!)
Get of town.
Travel enriches the mind — and if you do it right, it should get
you away from the teeming holiday hordes. I recommend sharks. Find
a spot with sharks. Big waves, if you are into that kind of thing,
will help, too. But the sharks are essential. Sharks keep the
crowds away. Assuming you don’t get eaten, you will while away the
day as blissfully happy as the Wavestormers before the lip smashes
their precious little faces.
Try snow sports.
From what I understand, you can do fun things with snow. Like,
slide around on it in a way that bears a resemblance to surfing.
You’ll need a puffy jacket and other assorted warm clothing. Just
buy the whole Patagonia catalogue and you should be fine. There are
lift lines, which is a bummer, but also, resort lodges that sell
snacks and beers. Unlike its crazy cousin, the ocean, snow is not
super forgiving and may cause injury to falling humans. Maybe just
avoid taking any risks at all, and spend your day on the resort
balcony with the beer and the snacks, basking in the sun.
Practice Yoga.
I have somehow managed to avoid ever doing yoga. I count this as an
accomplishment right up there with finishing my Ph.D. But there are
plenty of people who want to tell me all about its benefits. It
makes us flexible and limber and healthy, they say. It’s an excuse
to wear yoga pants, which I know you all want to do. Yoga also
takes away our anger, winging it away like a bird flying higher and
higher until it vanishes into the infinite blue. Let me know how
that works out for you, yoga people.
Sell your boards.
Just give it up. It’s never going to get better. You can find a new
hobby, maybe something that you can do in a remote desert without
any people for miles around. Maybe there could be tequila. I feel
like tequila is good for going to the desert to do your new hobby.
Also, there are no sharks in the desert. I’m starting to like the
sound of this. Anyone want to buy my boards? Fins included!
Futures, of course!
Drink heavily.
Skip the desert and the effort of finding a new hobby. Stay home on
the couch instead. Watch reruns. Avoid anything related to surfing.
Sip the tequila you were going to take to the desert. When you run
out of tequila, move straight on to vodka. It’s so alphabetical,
that it’s inevitable. Wake up sometime after New Year’s and recycle
your empties. Return to the lineup, refreshed and ready for more
mayhem.
I believe in us. Together, we’re going to get through this challenging time of joy and holiday cheer! We’re going to go surfing and not kill anyone, not even the blank-faced, half-drowned beginner.
Maybe I better try the yoga after all.