"Together, we’re going to get through this challenging time of joy and holiday cheer!"
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The time for caroling and rum toddies and snowflakes on, well, whatever the fuck snowflakes fall on. I don’t know much about snow.
It’s also the season for paddling out to surf with 500 of your closest friends, their five children, their ten grandchildren, and their racist uncle. Christmas means apocalyptically crowded lineups, at least in Southern California.
There’s the dads pushing their precious darlings into waves, sending them bouncing down the face to splat into the white water, bobbing and sinking like bath toys. There’s the rippers finally out of school and ready to master that elusive air reverse. This time! This time I’m going to make it! Oh. Okay. Maybe next time. There’s someone’s inland relative on a Wavestorm, floating blissfully unaware into the impact zone.
Forget the good will toward men, you are going to want to kill everyone. Honestly, it’s not even Christmas week yet, and I already want to kill everyone.
A week or so ago, I had to ban myself from Rincon for yelling at a lady on a midlength. Maybe she deserved it, but mostly, she was the latest in a long line of annoyances on a day filled with them. I’m good at crowds, until I’m not. I haven’t decided entirely how long my ban lasts, but next week doesn’t seem like the best time to return to the scene of the crime.
What to do? I have assembled a few suggestions, because I am totally here to help my friends — even my friends who aren’t sure I’m an actual person. (I am! I promise Chas did not yell at the midlength lady. That was all me!)
Get of town.
Travel enriches the mind — and if you do it right, it should get you away from the teeming holiday hordes. I recommend sharks. Find a spot with sharks. Big waves, if you are into that kind of thing, will help, too. But the sharks are essential. Sharks keep the crowds away. Assuming you don’t get eaten, you will while away the day as blissfully happy as the Wavestormers before the lip smashes their precious little faces.
Try snow sports.
From what I understand, you can do fun things with snow. Like, slide around on it in a way that bears a resemblance to surfing. You’ll need a puffy jacket and other assorted warm clothing. Just buy the whole Patagonia catalogue and you should be fine. There are lift lines, which is a bummer, but also, resort lodges that sell snacks and beers. Unlike its crazy cousin, the ocean, snow is not super forgiving and may cause injury to falling humans. Maybe just avoid taking any risks at all, and spend your day on the resort balcony with the beer and the snacks, basking in the sun.
Practice Yoga.
I have somehow managed to avoid ever doing yoga. I count this as an accomplishment right up there with finishing my Ph.D. But there are plenty of people who want to tell me all about its benefits. It makes us flexible and limber and healthy, they say. It’s an excuse to wear yoga pants, which I know you all want to do. Yoga also takes away our anger, winging it away like a bird flying higher and higher until it vanishes into the infinite blue. Let me know how that works out for you, yoga people.
Sell your boards.
Just give it up. It’s never going to get better. You can find a new hobby, maybe something that you can do in a remote desert without any people for miles around. Maybe there could be tequila. I feel like tequila is good for going to the desert to do your new hobby. Also, there are no sharks in the desert. I’m starting to like the sound of this. Anyone want to buy my boards? Fins included! Futures, of course!
Drink heavily.
Skip the desert and the effort of finding a new hobby. Stay home on the couch instead. Watch reruns. Avoid anything related to surfing. Sip the tequila you were going to take to the desert. When you run out of tequila, move straight on to vodka. It’s so alphabetical, that it’s inevitable. Wake up sometime after New Year’s and recycle your empties. Return to the lineup, refreshed and ready for more mayhem.
I believe in us. Together, we’re going to get through this challenging time of joy and holiday cheer! We’re going to go surfing and not kill anyone, not even the blank-faced, half-drowned beginner.
Maybe I better try the yoga after all.
Well we can put to bed the idea that Beach Grit is Australian from the title of the article.
Combine the two. Oman is deserty enough and gets good waves about 10 times a year. No hassles with locals. If you take up kite surfing you can up the number of days on the water. Downsides; it’s the desert and the phrase ‘going around the bend’, to infer going a bit crazy, comes from the effects of being posted to a telegraph station in Oman. Swings and roundabouts.
Some of us are married you know.
Plenty of sharks in west oz, stay long enough you could report on the MR CT and slot in a side trip to Kuta.
Survival tip for xmas in Northern NSW
Put your place on AirB&B and go to Sanur til Feb 1. Get the fuck outta town.
Or stay and rip off the tourists some how!
Tell em you got a mick leggie and sell for $500
Or a parko one for probly $85
Thats taken care off when they hand over 2k a week for ya house.
I wouldn’t let any Aussies stay there.
They’ll fuk it up.
Thats what insurance is for Bex. A nice little bond always keeps em honest, and make sure they have kids n family.
Kids do way less damage than a heap of couples on the piss.
Fuk you’re all over it like parko at the buffet!
Enjoy the plastic in Bali.
Haha.
Have a good one
Keep up that aussie rep.!
Yeah, I heard yoga’s got the clap.
Yuk!
Ever heard Aussie rap?
https://youtu.be/IN3DtQ_aCFI
there is simple solution to 2 of your issues. move.sorry but I can’t help with the death rattle
I snore like a herd of Harleys. I blame my Hi-Perf MPB.
the problem for long boarders (for the most part) is the knowledge that they are relying on viagra to get it up.
You’ve just jammed it under the hood Scotty.
the kid has a good looking board under his feet
and he has the whereabouts/withal to know what to do with it
Yesterday afternoon I was literally the dad pushing his little girl on a Wavestorm into carefully selected tiny washwash. She stood up a bunch of times and said “did I do good dad?” as I held her hand walking up the beach. It was awesome!
That morning I had an animated and lengthy and loud chat with the adult learners who apparently now are the management at my childhood local. I sat deferentially down the line from them (and still got all the best set waves because I know that reef inside out – “dude you’re lucky!”). I asked a lot of questions about their travels to the best known exotic surf locations. They gave me loads of advice in case I ever decide to go shred said places. Many feel good moments shared.
On my way in I talked to an inexperienced guy on a SUP on the beach who couldn’t get out, pointed out the inside channel and then how he should connect that to the outside channel, and encouraged him to try again. He did, and by the time I was at the top of the cliff he was outside and stroking toward the peak.
In short I blew in for the holidays and have fully embraced being part of the problem! So freeing and so deliciously inappropriate, like sleeping in the nude at a Girl Scouts camp!
I absolutely love having conversations with Adult Learners, I ALWAYS learn something! But never about surfing.
stock tips??
Amazing isn’t it! It’s like… there’s another world outside of catching waves!!! Who knew?
I learnt, after saying ‘nice wave’ to an AL, that the secret is to “take off on the shoulder”. I still use that advice to this day.
They probly look at their shoulder and think.
What the fuks that guy on about?
This sounds delightful on the whole! The Swell Of The Century hype did us not so many favors around here, so tempers are frayyyyyed. Perhaps next week we can be all good cheer and feel good moments! I’m gona buy a Santa hat to get in the mood.
You can use it to garrotte someone!!!
It’s always good to be ready.
Hasn’t ELo cornered the market on surf/santa costumery?
Two swells yes? First was too North and the long period kinda overwhelming all the breaks, this last one that’s just dying now more NW and 15secs, no wind all day, minus tide, everywhere just lit up beautifully. The iconic LJ beach break in particular went day-of-days, how you drew ’em on your desk perfect with plenty of size.
On the whole I was down on this overhyped asshole of a swell, but have grown quite fond of the 2nd part of it. More please!
Merry Christmas to you btw, hope the spirit catches you!
Both swells had there places and tides that worked..
Just gotta know where and when.
But a glorious couple weeks, that reminded me of why I live where I do.
Yeah I made some poor choices on the first one …
I love the “dude you’re lucky “
No, I’ve spent 40 years learning every nook and cranny on this reef, in every swell direction and every kind of weather.
Is there sand in the wax, though? Because today someone borrowed my wax, slid it across their board, and returned it covered in sand. This felt like some sort of cruel joke.
Most definitely. Did my post get deleted?!
Well, let’s blame the crowds on the Wsl, and can’t help you with the line-up Jen, but, buy some plastic ‘gift cards’ from Mcdonalds with a few dollars on them and give them to some homeless guys for a hot meal, go to a local homeless shelter and help serve a meal, sponsor a child in a 3rd world country and write them a letter this Season, and I believe you will have a awesome and blessed Christmas season.
Matt, you keep the caring real bro, I love you for it.
sorry if ive offended you at all, im a sinner but im pretty harmless
Have a sweet as Christmas and a few barrels next year
No problem. Merry Christmas also to you bex, and hope you get a lot of good waves in 2019.
I agree with you apart from McDonalds part. Fuck that evil corporate behemoth.
I understand the US is more and more limited on that front however. Have a good Christmas.
You tried the Mcrib?
Haute Cuisine at its finest!
Thank you Channelbottom. Merry Christmas also.
I got burnt by a goat boat on the only good wave I jagged after I called them off six times. I’m angry because I didn’t confront them.
I have been trying to be nicer, but it isn’t really working. Ugh. It’s bad out there right now.
you seem the right amount of nice,
jen the see.
Too nice be creepy
Thanks for your thoughts and for writing them down.
um beijo mwah!
You have to get angry for the betterment of society. Just like you should tell other people’s off for putting finger marks all over the bakery display glass. This is my favourite thing to do.
All nuts no Bark ?
The problem is…once I get started I don’t stop.
Nice to see you offering him the olive branch , a sign of peace , but if he continues may I suggest you use the branch and smash him to pieces ?
Even though I was outside the blue and white flags that are outside the red/yellow ones, I was told that I had to move by clubbies fouling the lineup in their rubber duck. The best peak on the beach was only the best because it had a rip pushing into it. But why not put the fucking flags where the rip is when you could walk 50m either direction to a rip free swimming zone?
Because they are jealous of surfers. It’s pretty clear.
Pie , It’s like trying to talk to a brick wall . I once saved a 100kg swimmer ( more drowner than swimmer , and I weighed about 65 kg wringing wet at the time ) ,during a 1ft early evening surf ,who had literally fallen off the bank into the rip . Took me and then another punter 1 hour to get him to the beach . All this in front of the Lifesaving Club who were having a BBQ . Not one came to help, No thank you , No medal, but surfing a week later they confiscated my board . Still pissed off about it 30 years drown the track !
Grim. On the bright side, one of the other blokes who got kicked was reminiscing on the anniversary of his being almost rammed by two clubbies in the rubber duck a year ago. He lodged a written complaint, which eventually led to those two being banned from the SLSA. Small wins.
You have a Ph.D? In what gorgeous field of academia?
U.S. History!
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
This is a good plan, dude. I’m thinking less quality waves and sharks will do it!
And that is the current advertising slogan for the East Coast of Australia.
hmmm, maybe needs some works, if they want to get the crowds 😉
And ( caddy ) Shacked !
happy festivus Jen. I didn’t know you had a twin sister.
God gave us Christmas
And soft boards rained from heaven
And it was not good
Amen
Best.
Hiya Jen See!
What to do?
Get laid, soon?
Or come down to L.A. some~time soon!
Heck, see any~one out near-by as 1 of my bro~ettes, Bronwynn,
digs some nose time yesterday on the last day of Fall 2018 here in California???
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
There were a few other pep’s out yesterday too, but not sooo many when ya consider that we have
8 to 10 million livin’ life all around us here, in L.A.!
Happy Hollow~dayz
to you who Beach~Grit,
hope that your winter is simply fabulous!!!
Or your summer, Down~Under!!!
RW
Howdy!
There’s probably a few who might read here,
whom mighta read my last post, might think that my lil’ reply to Jen See is a lil’ sexist?
Pfffft.
If ya ever came into an ol’ Doggie~Town surf-shop I used to run for some 20+ years,
which, though nuthin’ but a memory is now kiddie~corner to Thee WSL Head~quarters,
well ya just know that ol’ RW woulda told ya the same if you be a dude, ok??? I’m a wing~man, top-notch! And f**k, they are kids born into this world from me be~in’ the way I am, hahaha.
Hey Surfer girl, meet Surfer boy,
go surf, eat, hang, + get some, yow~za,
hahaha!!!
So that said,
please allow ol’ me,
RW to re~verse the scenerio that I wrote to Jen See above, ok?
Maybe you can now under~stand, that it, life, is still fun, ok?
*************************************************************************
Hiya Jim Bob!
What to do?
Go get some pussy, asap!!!
Or come down to L.A. to ride some~time soon!
Heck, see any~one out near-by as 1 of my bro’s, 60+ year ol’ John, digs it,
just stylin’ yesterday in back~lit conditions on the last day of Fall 2018 here in California???
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
There were a few other pep’s out yesterday too, but not sooo many when ya consider that we have
8 to 10 million livin’ life all around us here, in L.A.!
Happy Hollow~dayz
to you who Beach~Grit,
hope that your winter is simply fabulous!!!
Or you whose summer it’s now too, Down~Under!!!
RW
What the fuck did I just read.
He surfs the egg nog
He surfs his first point
He surfs a cut back
Heya Arn~ie!
Can’t figure it out what’s ol’ RW yakin’ about?
Go get laid and then, soon after~wards, paddle out,
ride some waves and dig life for what it is that you have made of it…
Some~times a surfer just needs to gets some, of both, ya know?
Might you too?
Hahaha…
Whenever I’ve been lucky enough to have a post-bonk session, I’ve generally found my legs not functioning to expected standards. I need all the kook mitigating factors in my corner, not conspiring.
Happy holidays, dude 🙂
Back~atcha, surfer!