Breaking: The World Surf League implicated in ongoing Russia intrigue!

The last time surfing was so close to nefarious international plots Richard Milhous Nixon lived at Lowers.

I don’t know if world news gets anymore fabulous than this, to be honest. The last time surfing was so close to nefarious international plots, subplots and counterplots Richard Milhous Nixon lived at Lowers.

Or Cottons.

And what am I on about?

Four Coors Golden Banquet Beers before lunch but also the just released news that the owner of professional surfing, Dirk Ziff, has run afoul of the Kremlin in a new exclusive revelation and let’s read some together from BuzzFeed.

US Treasury Department officials used a Gmail back channel with the Russian government as the Kremlin sought sensitive financial information on its enemies in America and across the globe, according to documents reviewed by BuzzFeed News.

The extraordinary unofficial line of communication arose in the final year of the Obama administration — in the midst of what multiple US intelligence agencies have said was a secret campaign by the Kremlin to interfere in the US election. Russian agents ostensibly trying to track ISIS instead pressed their American counterparts for private financial documents on at least two dozen dissidents, academics, private investigators, and American citizens.

Most startlingly, Russia requested sensitive documents on Dirk, Edward, and Daniel Ziff, billionaire investors who had run afoul of the Kremlin. That request was made weeks before a Russian lawyer showed up at Trump Tower offering top campaign aides “dirt” on Hillary Clinton — including her supposed connection to the Ziff brothers.

Etc.

The story goes on forever and ever and maybe we should also read together but let’s not. Let’s speculate blindly and wildly that if it’s true that the Russians were able to manipulate the United States elections then might they also be able to manipulate the World Surf League’s judging tower?

Things have been awfully strange this year, score-wise.

Awfully awfully strange.

Does anyone have a line into the Kremlin here? Like a real one and not just a random Russian cousin. I think the long-whispered “Rebel Tour” may finally have some legs.

I’d hold three events in Kamchatka if I was named lifetime commissioner. I’d drug test all the surfers and a “fail” would be if no vodka showed up in their systems. Dane Reynolds would be back and John John Florence too whether they wanted to be or not.

Mr. Putin? Are you there?

Can we have a quick chat re. professional surfing and a possible “under new management” sign?