The last time surfing was so close to nefarious international plots Richard Milhous Nixon lived at Lowers.

I don’t know if world news gets anymore fabulous than this, to be honest. The last time surfing was so close to nefarious international plots, subplots and counterplots Richard Milhous Nixon lived at Lowers.

Or Cottons.

And what am I on about?

Four Coors Golden Banquet Beers before lunch but also the just released news that the owner of professional surfing, Dirk Ziff, has run afoul of the Kremlin in a new exclusive revelation and let’s read some together from BuzzFeed.

US Treasury Department officials used a Gmail back channel with the Russian government as the Kremlin sought sensitive financial information on its enemies in America and across the globe, according to documents reviewed by BuzzFeed News.

The extraordinary unofficial line of communication arose in the final year of the Obama administration — in the midst of what multiple US intelligence agencies have said was a secret campaign by the Kremlin to interfere in the US election. Russian agents ostensibly trying to track ISIS instead pressed their American counterparts for private financial documents on at least two dozen dissidents, academics, private investigators, and American citizens.

Most startlingly, Russia requested sensitive documents on Dirk, Edward, and Daniel Ziff, billionaire investors who had run afoul of the Kremlin. That request was made weeks before a Russian lawyer showed up at Trump Tower offering top campaign aides “dirt” on Hillary Clinton — including her supposed connection to the Ziff brothers.

Etc.

The story goes on forever and ever and maybe we should also read together but let’s not. Let’s speculate blindly and wildly that if it’s true that the Russians were able to manipulate the United States elections then might they also be able to manipulate the World Surf League’s judging tower?

Things have been awfully strange this year, score-wise.

Awfully awfully strange.

Does anyone have a line into the Kremlin here? Like a real one and not just a random Russian cousin. I think the long-whispered “Rebel Tour” may finally have some legs.

I’d hold three events in Kamchatka if I was named lifetime commissioner. I’d drug test all the surfers and a “fail” would be if no vodka showed up in their systems. Dane Reynolds would be back and John John Florence too whether they wanted to be or not.

Mr. Putin? Are you there?

Can we have a quick chat re. professional surfing and a possible “under new management” sign?

"Let's fucking fix this now!"

It’s been one week since the Tanner Hendrickson vs Michael Rodrigues fight card and, boy, has there been a torrent of water under the bridge since: Parko retired, Kelly mounted his surfboard mid-tube, maybe best Pipe Masters ever, happy Brazilian as two-time world champ.

But, while all that was bubbling, Michael Rodrigues, the leash-yanking Brazilian WCT rookie and the Maui surfer Tanner Hendrickson, who engaged in a wrestle that ended in Tanner being banned from the Pipe Trials, were summed to what you might call a frontier justice meeting. Heading the extraordinary meet was Kimo Leong, Makaha Beach Boy and the founder of Kanaka Security Solutions, the muscle that handles security for the North Shore during the Triple Crown of Surfing.

Here’s how Steve Sherman, the photographer who snatched this moment, calls it: “I was walking down the Pipe path and I see M-Rod walking with a bunch of Brazilian heavies and we talk for a second. Kimo (Leong) and the boys from security, the Hawaiians, have pulled him and Tanner Hendrickson into a meeting, saying, ‘Let’s fix this fucking thing now.’ They flew Tanner over from Maui and had this meeting on the DL. And I was there to catch the moment, which was like Rabbit in Bustin’ Down the Door being summoned by Eddie Aikau to a meeting. When I got that photo I held onto it for a little bit. I didn’t put it on Instagram or broadcast it. But we can tell the story now.”

Sherm had his own moment with Kimo and the boys five years ago.

“They roughed me up on the beach a little bit. I was following Kelly out of the water and they were telling me to stand back and then they grabbed my backpack from behind and launched me twelve feet into the air. I looked at ’em and said, ‘Is that it?’ They loved that. And from that point on, they’ve taken care of me. It’s the same with all the Hawaiians. If you don’t hassle, if you show respect, you’re cool.”

As for Tanner and Rodrigues, Sherm says he spoke to both of ’em after.

“It all worked out. They shook hands, they compromised. Which is great because they both fucking hated each other. I was at the US Open when Tanner got hassled in the water by M-Rod, grabbing his leash, treating him like shit, and he came out of the water freaking out. But in this instance, they were both cool, ultimately. They were men about it.”