Just in: Doug Coors sells his Texas Wavegarden to Kelly Slater Wave Co!

A Surf Ranch for Austin, Texas?

Earlier today, it was revealed that Doug Coors, beer guy, had sold the wave pool he opened two years ago to a company called Tumbleweed Opco, a Delaware-registered LLC in care of Kelly Slater Wave Co on December 28, a company formed only two weeks earlier.

A very good sell for Coors, and a good buy for the KS Wave Co. Coors gets to shake his fur and take off back to Denver, Colorado, where he lives, and the Slater Wave Co, which is owned by the WSL, gets 160 acres of pool with accompanying beer barn to retrofit with Kelly’s superior pool technology.

The pool, I think, had been a monstrous headache for Coors ever since he floated the idea with the local burghers.

(Read, Broil: NLand Surf Park vs Travis County for background.)

And, you might remember the rumour floating around a month ago, that the park was going to be closed until 2020, the smart money being on this theory: NLand was losing steam to BSR and the investors made the call to throw their cash at new technology, either remodelling the old design into the newer, more American Wave Machine-ish Cove or overhauling the original machine to “make it more compelling.”


That ol Wavegarden foil gets thrown in the dumpster and in swoops Surf Ranch?

Why, it’ll make the entire state of Texas hush in awe and respect!

Question: What did our President of Content, Media and Studios do next?

Welcome to 2019, the #yearofnopaddle!

It is Friday, January 4th and The World Surf League’s President of Content, Media and WSL Studios has officially been on the job for three days, assuming he didn’t head into Santa Monica’s High Tower on New Year’s Day.

I have so many burning questions. What was his first order of business? Is he getting along with everyone? Does he miss his old office in the Oprah Winfrey Network?

But I have even more burning questions about his first Instagram post as our official President. Let’s really study.

First, he writes:

Cruising into 2019. Mission for this year – MORE FUN. Back into the morning routine, up early to catch a few waves start the day, then off to the office! #bestwaytostarteveryday // What’s your routine? #liveandloveyourpassion #longboarding #surf #yearofnopaddle?

Oh, of course I don’t care what your #bestwaytostarteveryday is but is he really losing the paddle? Like really really?

He listens!

More importantly, though, the picture. The number of possibilities held herein is virtually uncountable and what do you think our president did?

A) Backdoor the section and come out with the spit.

B) Hit the lip, blowing out the fins.

C) Hit the lip and soar into the sky, air reverse.

D) Hit the lip and soar into the sky, full rotation.

E) Drawn out bottom turn around the first barrel before tucking into a long runner.

F) Midface 360.

G) Other.

I don’t offer “walk the nose” “drop knee bottom turn” classical anything because ain’t no way Elo goes that way.

He is progressive.

But what do you think he did on this little gem?

Derek Hynd: “Lust in the history of mankind has always conquered logic!”

Have you ever lost an eye then been molested?

David Lee Scales has interviewed very many people in surf. He has interviewed Derek Rielly, Devon Howard and me amongst hundreds of others. Possibly thousands of others. I was so impressed with his talent that I became his partner on the sometimes bi-weekly podcast Grit!.

Another episode drops tomorrow featuring the wonderful Devon (fucking) Howard and you’d think that either Derek Rielly, Devon Howard or me would be the greatest interview of David Lee Scales’ young life but none of us are.

The Australian impresario* Derek Hynd is.

Do you not know of Derek Hynd?

The historical impresario* Matt Warshaw describes him thusly:

Bright, quirky Australian pro surfer and journalist from Newport, New South Wales; world-ranked #7 in 1981; author of hundreds of surf media articles and columns between the early ’80s and the early ’10s.

Ben Marcus, a one-time surf writer, freaks out, literally, when anyone is compared to him. Like, loses his mind but literally not figuratively.

David Lee Scales, the podcast impresario*, says, “This is perhaps the greatest 20 minutes of audio I’ve ever captured.”

Should I have my feeling hurts? Probably but I’ve also never lost an eye before getting sexually fiddled with while it was getting put back in.

I think you should listen.


*Impresario is defined as “A person who organizes and often finances concerts, plays, or operas.” None of these people do that, as far as I’m aware, but don’t you like the way impresario feels? It has gravitas.

Don’t you think?

albee layer
Albee busts the door off its hinges at Jaws! | Photo: @live.fast.die.old

Albee Layer’s New Year Resolutions: “Go to flight school. Stay under 200 pounds. Get fined twice as much from the WSL!”

King of Jaws and king of spin's ambitious behavioural modifications… 

Don’t you love an active uncensored mouth? The Maui surfer Albee Layer, who is twenty-seven, and as well-known for his tell-it-like-it-is spirit as much as his big-wave and small-wave prowess, just released a portfolio of New Year resolutions.

From the top: Flip a bike, party a little less, stay under 200 pounds, quit dipping, proper back 9, front 7, go to flight school while injured, get a wave I’ll never forget at Jaws, get budget approved to start shooting a new movie in 2020, be a little more social and nice, help more people I’m not close to, get fined twice as much from the WSL.


Did you resolve to change your behaviour in 2019?

Mine are less grand than Albee’s although very important to me: Stop with the mirror work (turn mirror that faces shower around), stay in the pocket of waves, at least once feel my back foot on the tail-pad’s block, ride boards that don’t resemble, quite so much, the blunt instruments of the adult learner, save up for a Pyzel Ghost, create a revenue stream for BeachGrit so we can keep Longtom’s contest reports, and ride the Waco pool once the filters have been installed.

Man Strikes Back: Foilboarding wakesurfer decapitates shark!

I lance thee in thy head for my fair love!

Would you like to know my very first thought after surfing Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch? It was, “And the wakesurfers shall inherit the earth…” because, in the end, Surf Ranch is just a glorified wake surf, with the “train” substituting for a boat. A local wakeboarder who had never surfed an ocean wave in his life was apparently the best Surf Rancher of all and that was all I needed to know.

The wakesurfers shall inherit the earth.

And yesterday I saw incredible footage of a foilboarding wakesurfer taking his guillotine into the ocean and reigning terror on sharks.

A decapitation!

And here we see the moment of impact.
And here we see the moment of impact.

We see a man, holding on to a long pole shooting perpendicular from a boat and moving very quickly through the water. All of a sudden its as if the wheels come off and he tumbles head over heels. When the clip is slowed we see a shark swimming there, catching the foil straight in the head, dislodging man who tumbles head over heels.

The video was posted on 2018 World Wakesurf Champ John Akerman’s Instagram account and I messaged him straight away, “John… I saw your amazing story vid where you take out shark/shark takes out you. Was it satisfying?”

He responded quickly, “Haha brah I can’t take credit for this foil joust One day I will feel this sensation but for now it was so satisfying I had to repost.”

It instantly made me wonder, are foilboarding wakesurfers the answer to Australia’s shark attack problem? Brave men and women dressed in suits of armor featuring prominent fleur de lis out jousting sharks beyond the lineup? Oh they could earn such fantastic names, “Tueur de Requin” or “Baiseur de Requin” and parade through the streets of Byron after their day’s work, dragging shark heads on a rope, being showered with rose petals from balconies.

They could joust for the love of a fair maiden, or handsome squire and tuck mementos into breastplates. Like a dainty handkerchief or Tinder profile.

Or do you think this would make conservationists angry?