A fantastic final day!
Gimme Pipeline. Gimme third reef, second reef,
Backdoor, doggy door. Gimme broken legs and broken dreams. Gimme
barrels so big you could drive a bus through ’em. Gimme cliche just
gimme Pipeline and oooooeee if the just wrapped Pipeline Pro didn’t
entertain.
Did you watch? Did you witness the rebirth of Jack Robinson? All
that promise, all that potential, back if only for one day. What
about the actual birth of Brodi Sale? There fresh out of the womb,
still covered in vernix caseosa. Coco Ho said he was in the lineup
waiting for a “glory hole.” Yeah. He honestly just came out of the
“glory hole.”
What about Peru’s Miggy Tudela? There in Hawaii where his
ancient ancestors first brought surfing, via wonderful boats,
4000 years
ago.
Balaram Stack? Hinduism’s GOAT. Vaughn Blakey in the booth?
Please, World Surf League, make him a permanent fixture. Do what it
takes for he, and he alone, can fix it.
Jack Robinson.
Did you watch Jack Robinson? Can you tell me, please, why he is
not on the World Surf League Championship Tour, taking the mantle
that John John Florence doesn’t seem to want?
Chris Cote, who is in the booth, said, “Nice foamy exit there…”
and can we talk about surfing and sexual metaphors for one moment?
Does any sport have more sexual metaphors so baked in that they can
be delivered with a straight face?
“He’s pumping.”
“Going backdoor.”
“Nice foamy exit.”
Etc.
Golf has “hole in one” which doesn’t make sense as a sexual
metaphor. Baseball has first base, second base, third base and home
run.
Those are solid.
Did you watch Barron Mamiya? He won a Yeti cooler and rode the
wave of the contest in semifinal number 2 which Chris Cote could
not stop talking about.
What do you feel about ending sentences with a preposition? Do
you care? At all?
All is not a preposition.
Jack Robinson.
“The drone pilot has just gone next level on that thing.”
Tom Carroll, in the booth, just uttered that sexual metaphor
with a straight face. Or I assume a straight face. He’s sober,
no?
Nick?
Wait. Is it Tom Carroll in the booth?
Did you watch Balaram Stack pick his board for the final in the
vaunted but not vaulted Volcom Pipeline House board room? Oh you
missed it. It was the sort of behind the scenes business, replete
with “fucks” and “yeahs” that are usually only found on the dark
web.
Have you been on the dark web?
Oh shit. It’s not Tom Carroll. It’s some other Australian.
I almost just lost my index finger fingernail by trying to pry
an old cube of ice out of an old ice-cube tray in the very back of
the freezer in order to make another vodka…. lemonade.
It’s Derek Rielly’s fault. He’s making me write this.
Sal Masekela. Hell. I didn’t realize he was here too in the
booth. Wearing an ironic Hawaiiana shower curtain. Ugh. When the
future mocks the “extreme sport” era with its chummy awful
embarrassing bullshit Sal Masekela will narrate and the whole thing
will begin with, “Once upon a time my best friend Kelly Slater
texted me…”
Did you watch the final? Reef Hazelwood which is spelled
“Heazlewood,” Balaram Stack, Jack Robinson, Barron Mamiya. A
stellar lineup by any measure. By any World Surf League
measure.
Dave Wassel just said, “I want to chair the mom up the
beach.”
I’m serious. Which sport has more sexual metaphors just baked
in?
Surfing isn’t a sport, FYI.
Also, sentences ending prepositions. Can you give me some
direction here? Yes or no?
Sal is now deeply weighing in on Kelly’s weekend plans.
Schooling all of his 235 co-hosts in the booth feat. Chris Cote,
Dave Wassel, Kaipo Guerrero, Chris Cote, Tom Carroll, Vaughn
Blakey, Big Daddy Trevor, Balarmom etc. on what Kelly is going to
do this weekend, how he’s going to feel, what he’s going to eat,
etc.
When the future mocks the “extreme sport” era it may simply be a
documentary featuring Sal Masekela waiting by his phones for texts
from Kelly Slater. Hollywood? Are you there? We’d crush this.
Did you watch Jack Robinson win?
He just did.
