Also, what's more important? Gay rights or world titles that matter?

A few nights ago, at a presentation ceremony in an old Gold Coast casino where your correspondent used to sling cards and occasionally tool horny punters, the Hawaiian Keala Kennelly spoke about being surfing’s first openly gay world champ.

“I hated myself because I didn’t think you could be World Champion and gay at the same time… I get to be proud of who I am and I get to love myself exactly as I am, not as people would want me to be,” said forty-year-old Kennelly.

It must be noted that the world championship was decided after one event, the Women’s Jaws Challenge, and that Kennelly won the event and the title despite not making a takeoff on her two waves.

A world title?

It’s a stretch, I think, and it’s correct that the WSL says it takes a tour to make a title.

Anyway, in response, the “three-time longboard champ” Cori Schumacher surfaced on Facebook to challenge the first openly gay world champ claim.

There is a rewrite of history that is being attempted right now in the annals of professional surfing. It’s frustrating to see this happening. Not only are openly gay professional surfers who remained on tour being erased (I knew them when I was young, and while I was on tour), but the world is also being told by the World Surf League and Keala Kennelly that professional surfing just crowned its first openly gay world surfing champion.

This is incorrect and there are documentaries (OUT in the line-up) and news stories (see below) that prove it’s false.

A huge congratulations to Keala for her Big Wave Tour win, but the record needs to be corrected. She is not the first openly gay surfing champion, nor is she the first openly gay professional surfer.

In 2010, pro surfing crowned its first openly gay world champion. I was not sent an invite to the awards ceremony, so there was no opportunity for me to make a grand statement from the stage, nor did the organization at the time (the Association of Surfing Professionals) recognize the landmark.

I was silenced, erased, and today, professional surfing is attempting to rewrite the past in a way that shows how effective past efforts of erasure are.
In our support of LGBTQ athletes, we need to be aware that there was (and still is) an effort to silence and make invisible LGBTQ folks from the past and women who have fought to make change across history.

We need to do a better job at remembering our history, especially women’s surf history.

“Schumacher, who in 2008 wed her longtime partner, Maria Cerda,… has a history of advocacy… raised awareness for gay rights in surfing…” March 26, 2011 (printed in the New York Times, 3/27, front page of the sports section).

Keala, all class, wrote back:

I would like to make a correction in my acceptance speech. It has been brought to my attention that Cori Schumacher is actually the first professional surfer that came out to the media while holding a world title.
I was completely unaware of the timeline.
I want to give her the respect and recognition she deserves. #womenupliftingotherwomen
I’m completely elated that I can be a World Champion without having to compromise who I am.
For me it’s not about getting the credit for being the first one. My only goal in making that very public statement in front of the entire surfing world at the WSL Awards was to raise awareness about LGBT athletes and the struggle we have gone through so that future LGBT athletes don’t have to go through that.
The @wsl is at the moment really trying to make positive changes in regards to discrimination of LGBT athletes and they have my full support.

Boom. Gavel hits. Matter settled.

The last item on the agenda is the validity of single-event world titles.

From what I can tell, two of Schumacher’s titles, 2000 and 2001, came from winning single events, not sure about the 2010 crown.

Kennelly’s, as we’ve discussed, from two wipeouts.

I think it’s a little rich, personally, to claim a title after one contest, let alone not making a wave.

The gay thing is wonderful, however.

Some of my best friends etc.

Drop-in followed by dunking then all-girl beach fight!

I’m no moral philosopher but on reflection I lean on the side of localism. Education and deterrence, not violence of course.

Not kiddies getting slapped or gals getting dunked.

As my friend, the dearly departed David “Baddy” Treloar would say “learn respect to earn respect.”

“No-one owns the ocean,” says the VAL as rebuttal.

Well, of course they do.

Countries have exclusive economic and territorial zones extending out from their shores. Pacific countries claim “reef rights” and ownership of inshore assets including surf breaks.

The mighty US Pacific Fleet under Chester Nimitz laid down the “most stunning and decisive blow in the history of naval warfare” against the Japanese fleet under Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku at the Battle of Midway, effectively owning the Pacific Ocean for the next 50 years and allowing a pissant nation like Australia to develop a surfing culture on the back of it.

Long bow, but true.

The stability of localism works, by and large. When stability breaks down chaos ensues.

Despite the image of country soul that the town still trades on a quiet war is being waged periodically around the perimeter of Byron Bay – not in the Bay itself – that has been overrun.It is the most chaotic collection of surf breaks on the planet.

No, the war is happening on on the pointbreaks that border it. Mark “Carcass” Thomson faces court on Friday over a “ surf rage” incident against Jodie Cooper at Lennox head. That will be framed by the media as a #metoo moment but it’s better understood in the context of local order breaking down under the impact of crowds.

Another skirmish has broken out, this time jumping the gender gap, at Broken Head. My source, a long-term worker in the surfboard industry who has a tendency to fish too light on the beaches when sharks and jewfish come in after floods, reported a local lass getting dropped in on by a French longboarding gal. It is reported a dunking/holddown ensued. Blows were exchanged.The skirmish moved to the beach where several more females became involved.

The vibe has changed amongst the local surfing community following an epicly bad six months of surf and a major shift in the surf demographic. Estimates of around 500’000 overseas students in Australia. 499 000 of them now live between Suffolk Park and Burleigh. Safety in numbers seems to be the motto.

Chaos is in their self interest. Failing the emergence of a kind of local wolfpak or another global financial crisis the Bondi-fication of the area will be complete by 2020.

I spent the day calling Byron Bay cop shop.

I can say there are two Keoghs there. A Detective Sergeant and an Inspector. Both very friendly. Inspector Keogh kindly fetched the file for me and confirmed the incident had occurred, was under investigation and witnesses were being sought. No charges had been laid and he declined to name the names of the alleged perp or victim.

If you feel like snitching ask for the Inspector. I got a feeling this won’t be the last surf rage case he’ll be fielding this year.

How’s localism in California going these days?

Is the war over?

And other uses for three-time champ's foam surfboards… 

One: what is this softboard revolution all about?

Wavestorms* are taking over California and Hawaii while the hippest craft in the hippest town in the world** is a soft-topped board imported straight from China and ridden side-saddle without fins.

Ironic generic?

And two: Is there anything sadder – sadder than Bukowski’s beer-drunk soul contemplating all the dead Christmas trees of the world – than the sight of Daddy rolling down the beach with rug rats in tow fulfilling his family obligations on a Saturday or Sunday morning?

Softboards are taking over the world. Fact.

The family man, or woman, when caught in the death-spiral of diminishing returns from trying to ride high-performance crafts should consider.

That is not a cash for comment, comment.

It’s the conclusion reached by me and pals after a year of ownership of a Micky Fanning softboard. No word association game with Mick Fanning will produce anything synonymous with hip or hipster but the Tugun retiree now counts himself a stakeholder in both craft beer and softies.

I have no love for Balter, tastes like formaldehyde but you could bottle pure cats pee and stick a nice label on it and sell beer.

Like softboards, it’s a bull market.

I got the 6’0” Beastie. Basically, a double-ended piece of foam and plastic, as a “do no harm” tool for ultra-crowded point surf and a craft that kiddies could ride. A communal object.

I have to say it surprised me.

The Foamies I rode growing up were covered in an evil blue fabric that ripped the skin off your tits and left permanent scarring. They were made according to the dictum that floppiness is next to godliness. The MF is stiff.

The supplied fins are soft and rubbery. After one surf I left them in. They let the board drift all over the place. The reaction time is slow and spongey, a kind of half drunk feeling, things take a while to happen.

Affect is removed from causation.

The Foamies I rode growing up were covered in an evil blue fabric that ripped the skin off your tits and left permanent scarring. They were made according to the dictum that floppiness is next to godliness. The MF is stiff.

Which means you can surf it. Even shred if that is your thing.

I found other uses for mine.

A healing crutch for curing Indo-itis. Everyone gets it when they travel and score good waves then come home and don’t feel like surfing in sub-par waves. The MF was a reliable partner for a zipperless quicky at a sloppy beachbreak or a high-tide rock break at the local Point that no-one else could be bothered with.

As a palate cleanser in between quiver changes. I have lots of boards and like to cycle through big changes in quiver. Up, down, sideways. A little session on the MF would require no great neural commitment and provide an easy reset for the next board choice.

As a cost free do-no-harm-ridden-leashless board at the Pass. If you don’t surf the Pass – one of the Globes most desirable little warm water peel-offs- then you will have no idea of the fluid, pan-sexual chaos. A female lawyer pal is one of the fiercest leash-free longboard advocates. With a soft board you can butt rails, ride together without malice or resentment, knock the head of your own or someone else’s rugrat without fear of injury or litigation. It is a bumpy but highly enjoyable ride.

Stoke out a kid. Usually someone else’s. It’s such a stable platform any Fortnite-addicted kiddie can get up and riding and give Mammy and Pappy a thrill. In a weird reversal of attitude that now makes parents nod and cluck approvingly.

Injury/anti-depressive rehab. This can be mortal, physical injury, as in the case of Mark Matthews. A psychological injury, as in a severe case of post-Mentawaii depression (Me). Even rehab for bizarre conditions like Tyler Wright’s post-viral syndrome injury or her brother’s brain injury rehab. Works for all of them.

Considering that surfing itself is now officially considered therapy for a whole range of ailments, why not bring the full weight of Mick Fanning’s star power and his soft board empire to bear on the Opioid Crisis afflicting America?

On that note.

I see a much larger opportunity for Saint Mick, who we know likes to help people out.This will sound strange but hear me out. After realising that these soft boards can be ridden by just about anyone in all mental and physical conditions, and considering that surfing itself is now officially considered therapy for a whole range of ailments, why not bring the full weight of Mick Fanning’s star power and his soft board empire to bear on the Opioid Crisis afflicting America?

You show up at the Doc with pain or as a registered addict and instead of a new script for Oxys or endone patches you get a MF softy.

I know that sounds ludicrous but wavepools full of tech billionaires and F1 racers was just as bizarre scant years ago. This is a chance for Fanning to finally and fully differentiate himself from Kelly and complete the beatification. Maybe a Nobel peace prize could be in the offing if he solves the Opioid Crisis.

I hear people bitching and moaning all the time about the challenge of wresting an hour or two out of the strangulating grip of urban, adult responsibility.

Get real.

Just put a softy in the car and leave it there. Give up everything about the surfboard except its pure utilitarian value. Unless you live somewhere where the soft board is now a device of cool.

Watch how my pal, local chalkie Sunny Russel does it. Skips out of school at 3.30 after teaching maths all day. Home, grabs the kid(s), Mammy gets stoked on some free time. Kids build sandcastles and Pappy shreds a half dozen before they all go home happy and play Happy Families.

It can work.

Conclusion: The beer sucks but the boards are great.

* I say Ryan Burch is the primary cause.
**Byron Bay.