"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots!"

I was thinking, last night as I drifted off to sleep, about the World Surf League commentator team and how much they mean in all of our lives. The professional surfers on tour, they come and go. One year it’s Dayyan Neve, the next it’s Jesse Mendes. Even when longstanders go gentle into that good night, like Fanno and Parko, they’re not even missed. Be honest, you forgot that Mick and Joel were ever on tour and when I write about them in singlets it only rings some vague bell.

The professional surfers are as transient as wild squirrels but the commentators., like diamonds, are forever.

And how are the commentators doing this year? How do you feel compared to years’ past? There is no record, no way of measuring, and it is time to remedy so without further ado I present BeachGrit‘s Golden Mic. The Power Rankings for Commentators.

Barton Lynch: (8.93) Show me a man who isn’t soothed by Barton’s mezzo-soprano and I’ll show you a serial killer or, at the very least, a man with serial killer tendencies. Barton’s tone, pace and content are all worth listening to and even when he dips a toe into the utterly absurd it doesn’t irritate. As the anchor of the the Oi Rio Pro, Barton showed he is the best in the biz and if I was the World Surf League’s President of Content, Media, Studios, Commentators, etc. I would begin my booth rebuild around the Man from Manly.

Brad: (5.04) I never caught Brad saying his own name and, therefore, never really had a feeling for him. Is he Australian? South African? Where did he come from? What did he do? I still don’t know and felt untethered throughout the Oi Rio Pro. The one constant, though, that made it clear and comfortable that the Oi Rio was still, in fact, a World Surf League production was the curiosities that poured forth from Brad’s mouth in a never ceasing stream. Do I want Brad back? No. Would I notice if he replaced Turpel? No. A net neutral, I suppose, for the League

Kaipo: (6.82) Kaipo raised the bar in Brazil, don’t you agree? He slid from his typical color role into the straight man gig and I thought showed real promise here. With a small bit of training and a willingness to dig into his past stories (dating Madonna etc.), I think Kaipo could soar into “almost ok” territory. Tell me you didn’t get a whiff of the future. Tell me Kaipo doesn’t have legs (both literally and figuratively).

The ’89 World Champ Martin Potter: (4.37) When the great computer scientists of our century unveil for the first time, at Comic-Con 2025, that a computer featuring bleeding edge artificial intelligence had been introduced into the public a decade ago without people knowing they were dealing with a humanoid robot those in the audience will gasp as cheer but professional surf fans will roll their eyes and sigh, “We knew all along.”

Pete Mel: (6.25) The Condor looked so uncomfortable doing Rosy’s job, like a boy waiting for a prom date above his station, and I couldn’t get enough. Having an adult man, all hairy and awkward and adult-like, asking silly questions to prepubescent-looking boys (Jordy Smith very much included) who just got out of a bath made it crystal clear that Rosy’s job is demeaning and she should demand a kick up to the booth. The League should filter “Grumpy Locals” through this position as punishment for being critical. It should be the new Gulag.

Strider: (8.50) Strider needs more time on air. Whether on ski, sand or rock he brings the juice. The perfect “man on the ground” without apparent aspirations for a bigger/better stage. He revels in his role and we’re lucky for it. Strider should be given his own interstitial shows… sending him to strip clubs, or wherever, reporting live in the field.

Special Guest Sally Fitzgibbons: (7.21) Sally was competent and warm, her bogan-tinged sentence beginner “Hey…” got me every time. “Hey, he looked pretty good right there…” I would have liked a little more frowny-face’d “Hey, what is coming out of your mouth?” to Brad which is why she receives a score near the excellent range but not exactly in the excellent range.

Ronnie, Rosie and Joey Turps: (0.37) “Top talent” skipping Brazil is so five years ago.

Better than getting drunk and falling down stairs!

I will be in Paris in a few short weeks and cannot wait. Nothing beats Europe in the summer. Long, long days stretching into mild nights. Crisp white wine. Moules-frites. The smell of sweet jasmine mingling with Theresa May’s busted government wafting across the channel, or as the French say, Chanel.

What fun. What glorious fun and the only way it could be more fun is under the pale glow of surf film.

Thankfully, Blue and Nouvague have us all covered for they are screening Trouble: The Lisa Andersen Story, Nausicaa: A Mediterranean Surfari and Andy Irons’ Kissed by God.

Are you in Europe? Care to join in the fun?

Click here for dates!

"All bets are off!"

Back in 2017, Sally Fitzgibbons needed only a good performance at Honolua to win the world title. She looked to have it within her grasp. Then the waves went flat. Not a bump on the horizon. For what felt like an eternity, she could only sit and watch as the clock ticked down. It started to rain. Which, go ahead and fire the writers on this film. The rain was going way too far. Tyler Wright went on to win the title that day, while Fitzgibbons was forced to settle for third in the final rankings.

Now Fitzgibbons is leading the title race, after beating Carissa Moore in the finals at the Oi Rio Pro. During her first three years on Tour, Fitzgibbons finished second twice behind Gilmore and once behind Moore. This could be the year she finally wins one — but if the first five events of this season are anything to go by, there’s a long way to go before this thing is over. Predicting the women’s world title race this year is a fool’s game.

I am not a morning person, so the vast majority of the Oi Rio Pro took place while I was hugging my pillow. I’ll confess to taking an impressionistic approach to watching heats. Basically, I watched the ones I wanted to watch. This seemed like a perfectly journalistically responsible approach to take. I considered picking one surfer at random and only watching her heats. Maybe I’ll do it that way for France. Waking up to watch sports in France while living in California is not rad, in my experience.

Women’s round three unfolded in the kind of fucked up beach break most of us would watch from the beach. I like mixed up beach break about as much as I like going left. Let’s just say, these are not my favorite conditions. After she won her round 3 heat, Strider asked Moore how she managed to find scoring waves. Moore laughed and said, I don’t know, you tell me. That was largely the story of Oi Rio: the search for scoring waves.

Moore was among the more successful at this game during round 3 and won her heat against local wildcard Taina Hinckel with a five and a six. Hinckel met Moore after winning her elimination round heat against Fitzgibbons and Nikki Van Dijk. Shoutout to the local wildcard girl! Hinckel couldn’t make much headway against Moore. Despite her self-deprecating interview, Moore seemed relatively comfortable in the wild conditions.

With so many lefts on offer, I was looking forward to seeing Caroline Marks surf frontside. I swear to you, every time I saw her on a wave, she was going right. It does make a certain amount of sense — if you know you can get the scores going backside, well, you’re going to do that in a heat. Marks went out in round 3 to Keely Andrew. It was a low-scoring heat and both women struggled to find rideable waves.

Together with Moore, Fitzgibbons and Peterson proved the standouts in round 3. With a combination of luck and skill, they managed to find scoring waves amidst the chaos. Peterson’s athleticism gave her an edge in the bumpy conditions. Her turns looked solid and she ably dispatched Macy Callaghan in lopsided heat. Defay took an early lead against Fitzgibbons, but it didn’t last long. Fitzgibbons found a tidy left that was good for a seven and change. The judges seemed inclined to reward anything resembling a legit turn out there — which given the conditions, was not wrong, necessarily.

For finals day, the contest moved down the beach. The conditions cleaned up, sure, but remained shifty. Long lulls, plenty of closeouts, plenty of backwash. The crowd on the beach really didn’t seem to care. Sun, beer — a good day out for all involved, if not the most scintillating event to watch on the internet.

After her performance in round 3, Peterson’s quarterfinal was frankly a shocker. She struggled to find anything to ride and went down to Fitzgibbons with a heat total of 1.20. A couple years back, Peterson broke her foot in the backwash at Oxnard. I couldn’t help but wonder if that injury got in her head a bit as she faced the backwash bumps and closeouts at Barrinha. She looked unusually tentative. Fitzgibbons waltzed away with an eight and a six to make the semis.

My favorite heats in women’s surfing happen between Moore and Steph Gilmore. Almost without fail, they bring out the best in each other. Their semi at Barrinha got off to a slow start. Moore took an early lead with a couple of three’s, but it would have been a surprise if those numbers had held. And sure enough they did not.

The heat got serious when Moore pulled into a nifty barrel on a set wave and managed to shimmy out of it for a 7.5. Gilmore, who’d been struggling a bit in the closeouts, needed something special. Of course, being Steph, she found it: A long barrel with a clean snap to finish it. The judges liked it. Like, really, really liked it. Gilmore grabbed a nine and took over the lead.

But Moore wasn’t done. She found another seven and with clock ticking down, Gilmore needed a six and change. A small insider at the buzzer was all Gilmore could find — and it wasn’t enough. Last year at Huntington, Moore lost after Gilmore got the score on her final wave. This time, the decision went Moore’s way. It was a characteristic heat for both of them, in some ways. Moore, rock solid, consistent. Gilmore, flairing with a big score, one of the highest of the day for the women.

Anytime Gilmore and Moore compete, it feels like a final. By comparison the semi between Fitzgibbons and Andrew felt anticlimactic. A low-scoring affair, Fitzgibbons advanced with a 7.63 — lower than Moore’s single-wave score.

I had Moore to win the final and for much of the heat, it looked like she had it. While Moore had a seven and a five in hand, Fitzgibbons unrolled a series of low-scoring waves on the inside. There was, as it turned out, a method to the madness. Fitzgibbons sold the judges on a couple of cheeky little coverups. Not quite barrels, but close enough to catch their jaded eyes. A 5.97 felt overscored, but it’s hard to argue with Fitzgibbons’s animated style. She knows how to sell it.

The heat turned on a barrel to closeout smack combination from Fitzgibbons. The barrel was neither as deep or as clean as Gilmore’s nine. It was the flying closeout banger that earned Fitzgibbons the score — and fairly, I think, though I had to watch it a couple times to decide. Thanks to an eight on that thing, Fitzgibbons won Oi Rio — and took over the lead in the world rankings. I’ll confess, I did not see that coming.

The women’s title race remains wildly dynamic. With five events completed, no one has won more than one event. Marks, Gilmore, Conlogue, Peterson, and Fitzgibbons: Each has won an event. With the exception of Gilmore, each has also gone out early at least once, if not twice in the early rounds. Marks and Peterson have two ninths; Fitzgibbons has one.

Though she hasn’t yet won an event, Moore remains the most consistent. Neither Moore nor Gilmore have finished below the quarters this year. Over on Instagram, Rabbit Bartholomew commented to Moore that she’d set herself up perfectly for a late-year run at the title. And he might just be right. If this year has shown us anything so far, though, the women’s title race is anything but predictable. Five events down, five to go.

With J-Bay up next, we head straight into Gilmore’s territory. It’s all but impossible to bet against the seven-time champ in good conditions at J-Bay. (Want a reminder? I got you.) If Gilmore wants to hold off a run up the rankings from Moore, she’ll need to win at J-Bay. The wave pool, France, and Honolua all suit Moore. And of course, there’s Fitzgibbons, sitting up there leading the whole damn thing.

All bets are off.