"The surf is for everyone" lie and other grievous felonies…
As a rule, I’m anti-death penalty. The thought of being framed and then convicted of a crime in a country where capital punishment is doled out blithely, Bali, Singapore, America*, gives me occasional night terrors, as it has since I was a child.
How would I face death? With a brave face and a clever one-liner? Panic and buckled legs?
Crimes in the surf are a different kettle of fish, as they used to say, and it’s important, especially with the rise of “WSL ” and “VAL”, to remind surfers, experienced and new, of what constitutes a capital offence.
Following is a list of surfing’s gravest crimes. Please help fill gaps.
- The surf is for everyone argument: Just as a skate park revolves around a hierarchy of best first, worst, last, and where the child scooter rider languishes at a perpetual end of line, so does the surf. To operate this argument in the complaint of a drop-in by better surfer is among the most heinous of man’s crimes. You can imagine Jeffrey Epstein, may he rest in perpetual madness and torture, a follower of this line of thinking.
- Slick extortionists who paddle out, sit next to you and assume priority: You know ’em, but only in the context of the beach. A smiling face paddles out, sits on your inside, strikes up a conversation, then spins for the first set, yelling.
- Paddling for the shoulder on a set: One man’s wave ruined, the other avoids a duckdive.
- Refusal to split a peak: Two surfers in position for an A-frame. Instead of a civilised sharing of the spoils, one decides to backdoor the peak.
- Pulling back on a set you’ve warned anyone else from touching: From a yell to reverse-arm paddle.
- Presuming local status at remote, and foreign, reef: American ex-pats in Tahiti, Australians in the Mentawais, Brazilians in Bali.
- IG-ing a once-secret wave and then weeping at its reveal.
- Surfboard thrown away, in panic at spectre of set, in crowded lineup.
- The presumption of priority because of longboard, SUP.
- Refusal to attach leash to longboard for aesthetic reasons.
(*Editor’s note: An earlier version of this story described North America as a “country”. Matt Warshaw has pointed out to me via email that North America is the continent and America or United States is the country. This error has now been corrected.)
Take a quick gander at the second photo in the Instagram post and OF COURSE it’s Kai Lenny.
I swear, he’s one of the Four Horsemen of the surfing apocalypse but instead of a horse he rode in on a foil.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
If Kai was referring to Mark’s ability to lie in a congressional hearing, then that is a fair statement…. Mark definitely was killing it.
Awesome of Matt to point out that America is not a country. Funny that Bali is not a country either. Well spotted, team.
For what it’s worth, a lot of Latinos consider “America” to be a single continent, not two separate ones. And they do get bent out of shape if you refer to los estados unidos as America.
11. Getting snaked and the perpetrator comes up with “Sorry man, I didn’t see ya”
Are you too cool to have a polite conversation with someone as well, aye? Get fucked. You people that treat your surfs like competition heats are the worst people in the water.
Loudly screaming your dudebro into waves that he isn’t in position for… (All the way from inside wherever) “Johnny!!!!!! This one’s all you!!!! You got it!!!! Go, for fuck’s sake!!! You own it!!!! YOURSSSS!!!!” (Guy Johnny is like fourth in line, peak functioning as it should.)
Sorry.
Entirely possible. I will now lay awake at night wondering if I’m not a fan of his tome because of your question and the potential part I have played in it.
11. Surf schools continuing to operate and breeding more and more kooks.
Where I live the waves tend to be poor and fickle so there are not very many other surfers. I can get home from work and walk barefoot to the beach carrying only my board, wearing only trunks and often be the only one out.
I’m so greatful that I don’t have to endure the drama that the rest of y’all go through.
tell us where you live , we can sure fix that , could be a great place for VALS !!
Myrtle Beach! The Vals would shrivel up and die here, it’s very trashy.
I know a guy that would always say he wanted to smell the weed before he bought any, and stick his nose in the bag and cram a bud up his nose to hide it. Then say he didn’t want to buy any.
bah-hah ha!
Genius.
I’ll try that with some groceries next time at at the store.
“Sir you appear to be getting into your car without paying for that bulk package of 24 toilet paper rolls hanging off your face.”
Haha yea I guess it was pretty smart. That was back when weed was four thousand a pound in the early nineties. It’s nine hundred a pound now. Dirt cheap in nor-cal nowadays.
I have no problem to paddle right to the peak and asume priority when people seat at the shoulder.
And then straighten out on most sets.
“Living the Dream!”
Strangely, the skatepark doesn’t have the same heirarchy as surfing. Even at DIY parks where the builders have everyright to say who can and can’t skate, I’ve only been welcomed with open arms. The skaters/builders put blood, sweat and legal risk into making the park, but they’re still kind generous people. The basis of the difference is obviously scarcity. The park is going to be exactly the same tomorrow as it was yesterday.
I do think economics plays a large role too. To grow up as a surfer aged under 40, you had to come from a family with a lot of cash in Southern California. Wealth breeds entitlement and the majority of skaters just don’t have access to it.
Yes – this situation is a modern occurrence/situation much like the VAL in surf, calling the cops etc. You can basically divide skating in half, there is the era before and the era after the modern skatepark (late 90s early 2000s) I can assure you as a kid I sat out my share of sessions at backyard pools, waiting for the older guys to throw me a scrap. Drop in get heckled mercilessly or maybe chased off. Let the location of the pool leak out, get punched. Wait your turn, then get a few runs. After some time, you get respect and you get more runs. It was pretty easy to understand and to follow. Kept things running smoothly. And yes, I know I sound like a dinosaur reliving past glory.
Im 30 and i feel like one haha. I was 11 when the concrete started and learned transition skating from dudes like you, (Ben Schroeder was our local pro). After 60-70 hematomas on my left hip, i finally learned surfing is way safer. I still skate but stick to 6ft and undernow. Not worth the risk the way waves are.
Yeah, I have stopped skating as well. 49 here. I used to take my son and his friends all over the place and skate with them before they were old enough to drive. A few years back I had the same knee drained 3 times in a year and was hobbling around for close to a year. Doc said “your shoulders and knees are officially garbage”. That was enough. I still take the occasional run but its just mellow bowls and 50/50 grinds at most now. Beyond that its all surf. Other than a very persistent large rock at my local, surfing is always lower impact.
Yelled at my friend for doing that at 3rd point Malibu on a Sunday July for doing just that. Of course its crowded, its malibu now get your one wave/hour and enjoy the company. Only way to surf out there.
Im having trouble getting my wetsuit on!!! Then its squeezes allthe blood out of my paddling sticks…AKA arms!!! Yeah, I used to laugh and tease the old con locals about blabbling about their ailments….plus I knew they were not going to be able to get the next set!!! Shit…now I’m that guy. Not quite hobbling on the beach bitching about the crowds…but man, time flies, enjoy even the crappy insiders!!! (sometimes, as TC used to show us all, they turn out to be the good ones, let the geezers have the outside foamburgers)
Yep if only I could use a computer …… f*ck I am hopeless .
Well it slightly similar to Newton’s inverse square law ?
Intensity of Hate is equal to the mass of the surfer divided by the distance traveled squared .
H = S / D squared
Superior by name , but sadly I’ve surfed enough river bores and small seas in near frigid conditions to last me a life time. Though who knows , never say never .
absolutely nothing
“Say it again!”
it should be like it used to be!! in the 40’s man, it was empty!