Welcome to next year.
I visited Stab magazine’s online portal stabmag.com very recently and felt so very sorry for the once proud title that used to call Bondi home until Venice-adjacent came calling. Two days ago, you see, someone there posted a riff on the most embarrassing surf products ever. The whole thing seemed very “un-Stab” as its stable of BeachGrit cast-offs typically engage in advertorial pursuits but there it appeared anyhow. Slamming GoPro, a fine camera that overcame early CEO hiccups to soar, and Nose Guards which haven’t been around in a decade.
One of the most embarrassing surf products ever, according to Stab, were eye stickers you affix to the bottom of your surfboard to scare sharks away. Laughable, certainly. Today that same product appeared as straight up advertorial.
Uh oh.
And I would make plenty of fun of any company that pays for a “Stab Recommends…” except I truly and without sarcasm feel sorry. The whole enterprise seems to be circling the drain but I don’t want it too. Stab was once proud. A glorious antidote to surfing taking itself too seriously. Could you find it in your heart to visit there again? You can click here and it would mean very much to me.
In the meantime, BeachGrit will never offer a bum steer when it comes to worthy/worthless products. Those shark eye stickers are obviously dumb but what about Kelly Slater’s new midget tuxedo surfing vest?
(Disclaimer: Nike, the entity that appears to manufacture Kelly Slater’s new midget tuxedo surfing vest, has not paid for this post.)
It looks awesome, clearly, but what is it for? It appears too small to provide floatation and Kelly appears to be standing somewhere that floatation isn’t an issue.
Back compression?
Cancer reduction?
Pure style?
Obviously it’s pure style. But also what else?
Help!
And don’t forget to visit Stab!
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Endurance sports are awesome for that.
Me caring about what is cool is even less cool now that I think about it.
Fuck. Next year people will be wearing that shit around. 10 years ago who would have though that men would be wearing yoga tights? Now guys are wearing that shit. In public! Kelly will be cashing in on the fad that he helped to foist on the world.
It’s not that cool that you know this.
It’s a prop from Elo’s “Aquatic Chippendales Revue” brought to you by Barefoot Wines, Jeep and Weight Watchers.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
To his credit; it’s not a poo-stance.
WSL needs a few of these for the tub. eBay has red and blue ready to rock. Get on it Elo!
That’s the oddest pic of Ke11. Oh Kelly Slater, what the fuck are you thinking? But my keen eye spots the swoosh, Olympic endorsement perhaps?
I think this looks like it may be a developing story.
Kelly Kelly Kelly….you’re the best in the world, you don’t need to do a Curren
Tight mini-vests, tight shakas, ear pods…is all happenin!
Last night I dreamed I tricked my way into the Wilson home, pretending to be a BG writer, to interview Julian. I was almost
Longtom, edgier, less well read. Not as mean as Derek and sober, unlike Chas. A male Jen See perhaps. On arriving I found Jordy Smith was there too, hiding out. Turned out Julian was too boring a subject. Despite the cute baby and trophy wife there was not enough to make an article worth while. Jackson Dorian arrived on the scene but he had a dummy (pasifier for the Americans) in his mouth and I couldn’t make out what he was saying. It was a a bizarre and bathetic scene. The Freudian scholars would say it is a sign I am living unfulfilled life. Any prophets care to interpret. Are we facing 5 lean years?
Perfect Jen See subject. She could happily sit on the fence and say fuck all.
She really is your fav deep down, yes?
She can write sometimes, for sure. She just gets a free pass too often. And she has a voice without ever having an opinion. That’s a crime for a writer, in my book.
Ah Chazz I too believe that Jen has the chops to write a good story and I agree that she also gets a free pass way too often on BG. I also recall Mara calling her out for some fluff piece Jen wrote about a year ago. I think because Jen’s a fairly brave voice in this sea of sausages which alway blows towards testy and snarky sarcasm, she tends to want to play to the crowd. Possibly to her detriment.
I looked her up and viewed her website, saw her photo, read some of her non-surf articles and listened to her on a couple podcasts. Although she’s rooted in CA land sports, I’d like to see her drill deeper and bite down hard on some issues that interest not just surfers but ocean watersports in general. God knows the subjects are ripe for the picking and some more opinionated, humorous and insightful observations driven by her gut might give BG a bit more, dare I say, needed gravitas.
I remember she got a little chapped when I questioned her cred as a “surf journalist” some months back because she has never been to Hawai`i. It can only help if she gets thrown into the deep end and gets right up and close with what O`ahu has to offer in the winter. I’d like to read her personal take on the women’s contest at Honolua. Maybe Chas & Derek will make it happen. No matter what, it’d be good to have some more sweet wahine action on BG.
I remember my first encounter with hard back stabmag and Chas. He made some quip about Julian Wilson pumping sperm recklessly into Japanese vaginas (it was poss the trip where he did the sushi roll) and I made the effort to figure out who wrote it. First time I ever took interest in a surf publication
It’s an ice pack vest !
I slipped in the shower!
Honestly Doc!
The hamster was just, like, hanging out there, in the shower, by accident.
Did someone photoshop Kellys head onto Raphael Nadals body?
Teamed up with a posing pouch it might be his waiters uniform for that evenings ‘revue’
How much you reckon it would cost for “Stab Recommends… Beach Grit” ?
Oh that’s a great question…. I’ll float it!
Just rip the fuckers off and each time they do an advertorial, run an article and call it “Grit Second-mends”.. all round win for BG. The sponnos will love you free publicity, bonus is no need to sell out artistically as it will be original content. Easy way to rile up the cop lovers @Stab.
Content!! Mo snarky content!
Then we the proletariat can debate the merits of the shirt, sticker, cap, ex-pro’s beer, wave tank, etc. Week in week out, it’d write itself.
How meta.
Speaking of long shot requests….Could you also request of Derek a follow up interview with the Coffee gal?
Love guys face behind Slater’s shoulder going – “what the Fuck are you wearing man”
Think it personally needs a matching nappy?
Or white bowtie
I bet shirtless is listening to the Grit.
Obvs.
You must be pumped on Manly Bex you would been shirtless all weekend!! – hope they beat Souths that’s for sure. I gave em no hope against sharks!!
I believed in the voodoo.
But the real semis start next week.
Anythings possible with those pac islander cement trucks.
It’s part of his gambling outfit for the Tachi. You know, the 3 piece suit with the jacket part off in a display of casual.
The fact that the WSL has not partnered with Tachi for a line of surf/gamble products is unforgivable.
Do you want me to rewrite my WSL idea, or is it total washout?
Why don’t you just put it here now.
Said the Bishop to the…
S’OK. Bexy. I’ve killed it now.
No worries.
Come on
The worse it is the better it is.
There are certain standard to uphold.
Like not carrying a skateboard by the trucks.
My finger tips are all rough from upholding this standard.
What doesn’t kill you, at least gives you minimal street cred.
It’s better than none at all which is what I have otherwise.
40 years of skateboarding cultural progression and I still have to stop kids on the street and correct them.
What hope for humanity.
I certainly have no street cred these these days. I probably only had it for 5 minutes in my 20’s anyway.
The solution is staring us in the face, thanks to Chas;
midget tuxedo surfing vests.
Scary thing is the midget tuxedo surfing vest wouldn’t turn one head at the skatepark nowadays.
You would have copped it wearing that shit. I remember Blink 182 first came out to Australia in the mid nineties (late 95) supporting Pennywise. It was a good show. Anyway the next day a couple of skaters at the localish bowl rocked up wearing these white Blink 182 tshirts they had obviously picked up at the show – I reckon they wore them once.
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They probably lied and told everyone they stole them.
I remember this time in the late 90s when the Beastie Boys were in Sydney and they were invited to skate a local, ‘secret’ mini ramp. One of the locals was making and selling bootleg Beastie Boys tour t-shirts. He had no idea that they were coming and it was pretty awkward when the two parties crossed paths. Thankfully, my mate was a graphic designer and the t-shirts looked pretty dope, possibly better than the official merch. The Beasties were stoked! They ended up buying the whole lot and throwing them out to the crowd at the next gig.
i was at the show at the roundhouse as a skinny 15yo. i got smacked in the face during one inch punch (ironic (?) ), bloody nose for the rest of the night. i remember the show being fun as hell and then after a massive fight broke out that stopped traffic on anzac prd. we avoided that silliness.
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Dammit CB, that article was going to kick-start out multi-billion-dollar online publishing empire. You haven’t just killed the article; you’ve also murdered my hopes and dreams.
Isn’t that the point: where hope comes to die, or something?
I’ll give you hundreds of others.
Well, maybe one or two.
My fault. Sorry. Been in the US. Book launch etc. Will examine today. Again, sorry for tardy response time,.
Don’t sweat it.
probably needs fleshing out anyway.
I pooped it out at work under too much caffeine.
Shit, in that case I sent something your way last week, too.
I hope you understand that, even if I like you as a human commenter, if it’s shite I’m going to fucking trash it publicly.
I look forward to it.
I never dared assume you even liked me as a human commenter.
Which is handy, because I’m merely a bot.
you’ll give him performance anxiety!
The night in question. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…