A real conundrum.
Of all the many and wondrous moments during the just wrapped Freshwater Pro presented by OuterKnown, my very favorite was when Chris Coté took us behind the “Wall of Positive Noise” and showed us the deadly quiet judges’ chamber.
There they all sat, so silent, so serious, staring at their computer screens and a large-ish flatscreen television in a windowless room. Maybe built as part of Surf Ranch’s existing structures. More likely one of those portable offices used on large-scale high-rise builds.
Mute.
It was absolutely mesmerizing watching them punch out ill-gotten 8.32 after ill-conceived 7.56 but invited more questions than it answered.
For example, why in heaven does the World Surf League bring those judges to the contest sites and then sit them in a windowless room? What in hell is the point of that?
They’re very clearly not watching the surf live with their own eyes and must never be. Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch would be the prime spot to roll that out and, as I’ve suggested, those judges should be riding The Machine itself. Looking into the surfers’ eyes as they perform down turn after down turn after foam climb after down turn. One of them playing a bass guitar spitting fire. Tell me that those judges’ taciturn faces and a bass guitars spitting fire, wouldn’t inspire high-performance motivation. Tell me that safety surfing wouldn’t disappear forever.
But no.
The judges are kept in a windowless room that might as well be in Santa Monica’s High Castle or at the most convenient large-scale high-rise build site.
They do not need to be there whatsoever and this peek behind the WSL’s “Wall of Positive Noise” made me sad. It made me feel that professional surfing’s owner and Co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff is getting bad advice from one-time Texaco rising star Pri Shumate and his President of Content, Media, Studios and Boneless Wings Erik “ELo” Logan.
Like, speaking of Boneless Wings, how have the two not pitched Buffalo Wild Wings on having the judges sit at one of those franchises, ordering hand-breaded tenders smothered in Asian Zing® sauce while throwing Kanoa Igarashi a 5.72? Or mini corndogs with a side of Blazin® dip while tossing Kolohe Andino a 4.93?
It would be a smash hit advertising campaign. Organic, now, viral, etc. The sort of thing that wins awards.
Or why not allow them to judge from the comfort of their own homes brought to you by Redfin where those same homes are also listed for sale below market value since the judges work for no market value since there is no market for professional surf judging?
Another slam dunk.
I could go on all day here and fucking Chief Marketing Officer Pri Shumate and President Erik “ELo” Logan are letting Da Co-Waterperson Dirk Ziff down.
But what do you have?
Where else should the judges go?
And Dave Prodan, I’m waiting your call. Can’t wait to turn our dreams into reality.
xoxox
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KVF is on Das Search
The only reason possible is that no one in the fucking world would be willing to do that job if it wasn’t because you can travel the world for free.
But were the bad judges being punished by having to go to Lemoore?
truth
The big screen shows live footage of a real beach, with chorus sounds of native fauna far far from Leemore. WSL had to do something after 73% of judges necked themselves during last years event.
WSL Judges should join the US military and operate out of a covert high security compound deep in the Nevada desert. They should sit with the drone pilots, dropping bombs on guilty uncompromising civilians. If a judge suffers overwhelming guilt at the random annialation he? (maybe they could slowly and carefully train some she’s) and is absent for action, they could sub in a drone pilot to take the helm and cause their own damage, off course within the parameters of Sergeant Major Head Judge….
60
She’s more a 66er?
Fire-spitting bagpipes work also. https://youtu.be/K-Op1Mng4oY
Why are all five judges male?
I thought the wsl was all about equally
I’d give this story a
6.9
Well the simple answer is of course simple.
But to get all Derek Zoolander, let me answer your question with a question.
Why don’t we care about pro surfing anymore?
Insta ate up all the mystery surrounding the surfers.
Have them sit in the channel with Strider and endure his endless stream of cliché’ superlatives.
Just have the surfers not in a heat at the moment switch off judging. Could get interesting. Or a lot better. By the way does anyone here know what happened to Snapt 3? Seems the internet ate it.
I think you are on to something there. I have a feeling the post heat interviews would be a lot more entertaining to say the least.
Not convinced it’s a bass guitar spitting fire. But I digress, given the success the ARL and AFL have had with connecting reality to remote judging, er, ‘platforms’, you would have thought the WSL would have been somewhat aware of the issues in using them.
Obviously, the WSL needs to come up with a catchy name. Or were ‘The Bunker’ and ‘The ARC’ the only options?
As a judge myself… I really don’t like this angle Chas. It’s really cutting down my chances of new waves, good times and free lunches in other people’s backyards.
I’m trying to get you to Buffalo Wild Wings. All you can eat/drink!
Well, first you would have to set up a franchise in The Antipodes. Otherwise the offer is moot.
I’m working on it. Our buffaloes are very different to the American kind though.
Maybe we could get it government subsidised
Don’t talk to me about subsidies. Now wsl wants to put a fucken wavepool in my backyard. This ain’t Lemoore!
Sold!
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Negatron judging a whippet’s backside.
Watching a screen,a sign of the times.
At least give them a Sex Wax air freshener.
Oh so that’s what it looks like. I always thought they used the triplets from Minority Report, lying in a pool of translucent gel, whispering scores from their lucid dreams, transcribed by a wild-haired Dave Prodan
https://media2.giphy.com/me…
How fucken scary is it when that little bald cunt comes to life mate. Shit me dacks when I first saw it.
The judges should be locked in a conference room deep in the L.A. Live headquarters of the WSL’s newest partner, an inspiration for League organizing and operation principles and multilevel marketing strategies, Herbalife. It’s a natural fit. Under this partnership, every judge will be required to buy $2,000 dollars in WSL memorabilia and fitness supplements, including jerseys, mugs, towel poncho changey things, saved pieces of coral, and Herbalife protein shakes, that they will need to sell directly to consumers. Additionally, judges will also be incentivized to enlist new “Aloha Surf Judges” to help in the scheme.
A new MLM for surf crap, brilliant!!
the more I see the Machado ad for his board, the more I like it.. good job Dez in the writing and Chas, great finishing line.. fuck that is funny. And more to your point… marketing… how come i just bought a billabong suit today.. did the wsl have one iota of influence on that purchase… NO!! goddam right no… they are selling nothing to the core surfer.. nothing. they bring us nothing and I give them nothing.. it is so fucking funny. Even the brands have figured it out, they would rather pay to get a surfline or Beachgrit advertorial rather than sponsor an event, knowing full well that more core surfers and VAL’s will read it. What the Shill league is selling, no one is buying. But thanks for the free stream!.
Yeah I’m a big fan of Chas x Machado. I hope there’s more in the future. I would like an episode where a really drunk Chas takes a really stoned Machado shopping for a makeover.
A new hair color maybe?
Billabong aint core no more. Maybe VALcore.
their new suits are stretchy and warm, that is all i care about… I don’t give two shits for any of their marketing.. and what is core “brah”