A real conundrum.

Of all the many and wondrous moments during the just wrapped Freshwater Pro presented by OuterKnown, my very favorite was when Chris Coté took us behind the “Wall of Positive Noise” and showed us the deadly quiet judges’ chamber.

There they all sat, so silent, so serious, staring at their computer screens and a large-ish flatscreen television in a windowless room. Maybe built as part of Surf Ranch’s existing structures. More likely one of those portable offices used on large-scale high-rise builds.

Mute.

It was absolutely mesmerizing watching them punch out ill-gotten 8.32 after ill-conceived 7.56 but invited more questions than it answered.

For example, why in heaven does the World Surf League bring those judges to the contest sites and then sit them in a windowless room?  What in hell is the point of that?

They’re very clearly not watching the surf live with their own eyes and must never be. Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch would be the prime spot to roll that out and, as I’ve suggested, those judges should be riding The Machine itself. Looking into the surfers’ eyes as they perform down turn after down turn after foam climb after down turn. One of them playing a bass guitar spitting fire. Tell me that those judges’ taciturn faces and a bass guitars spitting fire, wouldn’t inspire high-performance motivation. Tell me that safety surfing wouldn’t disappear forever.

But no.

The judges are kept in a windowless room that might as well be in Santa Monica’s High Castle or at the most convenient large-scale high-rise build site.

They do not need to be there whatsoever and this peek behind the WSL’s “Wall of Positive Noise” made me sad. It made me feel that professional surfing’s owner and Co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff is getting bad advice from one-time Texaco rising star Pri Shumate and his President of Content, Media, Studios and Boneless Wings Erik “ELo” Logan.

Like, speaking of Boneless Wings, how have the two not pitched Buffalo Wild Wings on having the judges sit at one of those franchises, ordering hand-breaded tenders smothered in Asian Zing® sauce while throwing Kanoa Igarashi a 5.72? Or mini corndogs with a side of Blazin® dip while tossing Kolohe Andino a 4.93?

It would be a smash hit advertising campaign. Organic, now, viral, etc. The sort of thing that wins awards.

Or why not allow them to judge from the comfort of their own homes brought to you by Redfin where those same homes are also listed for sale below market value since the judges work for no market value since there is no market for professional surf judging?

Another slam dunk.

I could go on all day here and fucking Chief Marketing Officer Pri Shumate and President Erik “ELo” Logan are letting Da Co-Waterperson Dirk Ziff down.

But what do you have?

Where else should the judges go?

And Dave Prodan, I’m waiting your call. Can’t wait to turn our dreams into reality.

xoxox

An act of solidarity with beleaguered brothers across "the pond."

In what can only be described as an act of solidarity, townsfolk in Plymouth, England killed a “man-eating” shark over the weekend, hoisted it upon their shoulders, paraded it through town then chopped it up and ate it themselves.

As you well know, there has been an explosion of Great Whites just across the Atlantic in Cape Cod. The beasts have gratuitously stalked surfers, shuttered beaches, terrorized innocent children and created mass hysteria amongst a population used to Irish mobsters and alcohol-induced violence but unaccustomed to horrors from the deep.

As you should know, Plymouth, America is actually in Cape Cod and the landing spot of those brave Pilgrims in 1620 and so, some 399 years later the familial bonds remain taut.

As reported in the Independent:

A large blue shark was “paraded” through the street before it was butchered, cooked and served to the crowd at Plymouth’s seafood festival, prompting criticism from attendees and animal rights groups.

Photographs show the creature held aloft by two men, before it was used in a demonstration on the festival’s main stage.

The Ocean Conservation Trust, which runs Plymouth’s National Marine Aquarium, led the criticism of the weekend’s scenes on the city’s historic Barbican.

Helen Gowans, from the charity, said: “As an ocean conservation charity, we do not condone the eating of blue shark and were disappointed to see that a blue shark was shown off at the ‘catch of the day’ session, as well as being featured on the chef’s stage.”

Members of the public also reacted angrily to the shark’s appearance at the festival.

Those ungrateful “members of the public” would do well to remember how we Americans came and saved them in both World Wars and will also save them after Brexit when the United Kingdom edges out Puerto Rico to become the 51st state.

A real question for surfers, though, is how this act of revenge will play for us? Will an unsuspecting bro out for a little paddle be dragged beneath the waves and forced to dance a scene from Baz Luhrmann’s masterpiece Moulin Rouge, likely Lady Marmalade, for an audience of Great Whites before being torn limb from limb?

More as the story develops.

Come and read the World Surf League's exciting plans!

Olympic news, as it relates to the Pastime of Kings, can be a little… dry. Oh, of course there is one thrilling storyline, (Will a 47-year-old Kelly Slater be able to surpass an injured John John Florence for a spot on the United States Olympic surf team?) but the rest is… brittle. Brazil will win men’s gold, silver and bronze (Gabriel, Italo, Filipe) and that will be that.

Still, the World Surf League is thrilled with the possibilities and Santa Monica’s Chief Marketing Officer Pri Shumate is absolutely bullish. I stumbled across a story titled With Olympics Looming, Sponsors Jumping Aboard World Surf League and I was excited to see which.

None new, as it turns out. Jeep, Harley-Davidson, Michelob Ultra brewed with Zoë Kravitz’s sultry whisper and Organic Grains, Boost Mobile, Red Bull but then the conversation turned to how over-the-moon the League is for the Olympic kick, hoping that surfing can soar as high as snowboarding and let’s dig in together for a little Chief Marketing.

The WSL hopes the Olympic spotlight can do for surfing what the Olympic rings did for snowboarding at the 1998 Olympics.

The two youthful sports have a lot in common. Like surfing, snowboarding was regarded as an outlaw sport back in the 1990’s. The traditional alpine sports establishment looked down their nose at snowboarders, even banning them from many ski resorts.

That all changed when snowboarding made its Olympic debut in Nagano, Japan in 1998. Fans loved the fearless, high-flying athletes and rock ‘n roll atmosphere. When budding superstar Shaun White won the halfpipe gold medal at the Torino Olympics in 2006, snowboarding went global. In the WSL’s ideal world, surfing would boast the same crossover appeal.

“Imagine the next Shaun White is a surfer? That’s the level of opportunity we feel we have,” noted Shumate. “And how amazing would it be if the next Shaun White were a female surfer? We have so many good storylines going into the Olympics.”

Ok, and I don’t need to be rude but I think this snowboarding analogy has gone a little far and/or is being rolled out… I don’t want to say ignorantly but…. let’s just say ignorantly. It’s true that Shaun White got rich off of his Olympic Snowboarding but as a “sport” in the year 2019, it is dead in the frozen water. There is no tour, declining participation, market conglomeration that has lead to a lack of innovation and next to zero general public interest other than for a few minutes every four years.

Snowboarding itself is still wonderful, of course, and I’d imagine the hard-core are overjoyed not to have “an industry” but two decades of Olympic spotlight has certainly not helped any governing body or exploded non-endemic interest or really done anything at all except shrink it down to a real community again where neither VAL nor blow-in dominate the narrative.

Is this the World Surf League’s ultimate and final plan? To turn surfing into a money-less passion?

Is Dirk Ziff a philanthropist?

"The Most Trusted Name in News."

Tucker Carlson? Are you serious? Tucker Carlson? Well, son of a bitch. And Chris Cote co-hosted his weekly action sport podcast Monday M.A.S.S. just yesterday alongside famous professional snowboarder and shark enthusiast Todd Richards. It was spinning along fluidly as it always does, a testament to the professionalism of both men who each call live action sport for money, until Chris dropped a bombshell.

“And I realized, you’re gonna like this, BeachGrit is Fox News of surf media. Think about it, right. They talk to their base. They fire up their base. Chas is kind of like the Tucker Carlson of surf media. They’ve got their Bill O’Riellys and their made-up name people. People on their message board and it’s vicious. But it’s a lot of fun and it’s a privilege and an honor to give BeachGrit so much to talk about.”

Tucker Carlson? I’m Tucker Carlson? His face is very round whilst mine is long and thin and his hair looks lame unlike mine which continues to get better with age. He wears outlet mall suits, for sure, but… hell, I should just accept the compliment as New York Magazine just declared Tucker Carlson the “Most Important Pundit in America.”

Still.

I suppose I fancied myself a pre-2018 Megyn Kelly. Razor-tongue’d, quick-witted, sexy, blonde, fantastic.

But let’s roll with the Fox News analogy, for a moment longer, as it makes sense because BeachGrit is by far the biggest little surf website on earth (just wait until next month’s numbers) and you are very much implicated as Chris pointed directly to our “Bill O’Riellys” and our “made-up name people” on our “message board.”

So quickly, is Derek Bill O’Rielly seeing they share a similar last name*? Scandal plagued, maybe a little too libertine but groundbreaking-ly popular? Or… who is Derek? Who is Longtom? Greta Van Susteren?

Jen See? Can I get an amen for Geraldo Rivera?

Oh I see your frown, Chazz Michael Michaels. I see that furrowed brow so who are you? Very much implicated in this whole enterprise, by the way.

More importantly, who is Negatron? Just kidding. We all know Negatron is Roger Ailes.

But truly most importantly, who are you**?

*Having directed Lisa Andersen’s biographical documentary I have experienced, secondhand, the absolute horror of having a common last name spelled differently than its accepted varietal. Lisa Anderson? No. Andersen. Likewise, Derek O’Reilly? No. Derek oh! Rielly.

**Including but not limited to: Smurfaholic, Black Rubber, Shore Pound, Phat-wan kerr, Hippy, Party Pete, sun bear, Robert AHearn, astro, OttoBeenThere, ScottSanDiego, Mads Naeraa, channelbottom, surfads, VONR, Superworm, Trogan Fan, Derek Hynd’s Missing Fins, Nick Carroll, ricmatic, c415north, Ck T, Wigs, Lemoore GOAT Rodeo, Huli Opu, Dogsnuts, Bex, Tired Old Guy, mine.mine.mine, Mike Hunt, Alec Eiffel, Poop Stance, Miki Dora’s bastard son, SoCalGary, Lemon Next to the Pie, Paul Taublieb, Toin coss, Shampoo Poo, Pyzel’s Ghost, Shroom, Audit in Progress, bruddah, Beefnbeer, Tim Nelsen, Antipodes, MaxNeoprene, ACTIVE SHOOTER… and let’s just end this at ACTIVE SHOOTER.