An absolute shock!
You well know that, in order to reach its stated potential audience numbering in the hundreds of millions, the World Surf League is going to have to appeal to the elusive non-surfing surf fan too. Oh, President of Content, Media, Studios and Pizookies Erik “ELo” Logan talks a good line about the inherent beauty of the Pastime of Kings, the uplifting-ness and there are undeniable signs the strategy is working. Who could forget Ms Cornelia Van Helden, the middle-aged divorcée from the Netherlands…and fan of the WSL’s Facebook livestream?
Well, technical barriers made it difficult to ask Ms. Van Helden what she most enjoyed about the game and we were all left to wonder. Was it the scintillating commentary from the dynamic duo of Joe Turpel and the ’89 World Champ Martin Potter? Air-reverses? Uplifting Oprah-esque cinematic shorts?
A great puzzle and then, yesterday, as I was perusing BeachGrit‘s own comments, I stumbled on a new non-surfing surf fan. Unlike Ms. Van Helden, @Anrky22 appeared real and wrote:
Live in Colorado, ride dirt bikes in the summer and snwbrd in the winter….but read beachgrit comments year round because they are the most entertaining and hilarious statements posted on the internet!!!! Lol!!! Go surfers!!! Fuck sharks!!!
Woah.
And imagine the shockwaves reverberating through Santa Monica’s Wall of Positive Noise when it is revealed that what the non-surfing surf fan loves most about surfing is you.
One of my French friends advised me against pointing , as the Holy Spirit is omnipresent ,and you may end up poking your finger in the Holy One’s Hole ….
Dove Tail Joint ….. an interesting version of the peace Pipe ?
It’s fantasy surfing. I am an Australian ex-surfer now cyclist living in Berlin. At Péniche I became the world number 1 Fantasy surfer. Really. Being the world’s best fantasy surfer is so weird and lonely. The wsl doesn’t facilitate communication between players. I texted a couple friends. Zero fucks given. Cracked a beer. Slightly better. I’m ready to spill the beans…why i dont need healers, moneyball smith, pre-Pipe nerves and the power of an afternoon sad nap. Come at me BeachGrit. ..take my champion’s loneliness and give it a good whacking…😦
What’s a fantasy surfer?
Its when I think about all the times and places I could be surfing but can’t cos I was naive (dumb) enough to have kids
Oh that’s right isn’t it…you brute.😢
I once got 12th at one event at Fantasy Surfer. Highlight of my sad life.
And were others able to share in your triumph?
Not many if any.
Maybe there needs to be be some sort of fantasy veterans support group set up. Surely the WSL has care of duty. For Shame!
I only play wsl fs it’s kinda dull, but have read sometimes you guys talking ’bout a fantasy league/board where you have a budget to buy your team, players pricing according their results… where’s this site?
Over at surfermag then search for the beachgrit club.
It’s far superior to the WSL format…
https://fantasy.surfer.com/…
Ha! That’s exactly where I saw them. I was definitely one of the unconnected kids in the pit. Good times.
No shark will ever kill the BG wall of cynical noise.
Sounds like Brother Kolohe might have something to do with it.
We might be needing a few more own personal Jesuses (?) before the title elects the messiah ?
Take it away Jonny
https://youtu.be/qpYW3qng78E
While we are on random new commenters, a couple of days ago someone named Guy Picciotto joined the discussion. As in, the frontman of Fugazi. Was this really him? It seems like a very Guy Picciotto thing to do, just popping up among the gen pop, not hiding his identity but also not making a big deal of it, and I feel like if it was a parody account his name would be ‘Guy Picciotto’s eyebrows’ or ‘Guy Picciotto’s dancing style’ or something. So if it really is you can I please say, the Glue Man performance on Instrument is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen, and could you please reform and come and play at the Morrow Park bowling club in Newcastle Australia again as I’m old enough to come and watch this time.
Thanks, Surfads
The only time I saw them live was at an all-ages show in a random hall in Lismore, late 80’s/early 90’s. Some kid broke his arm in the moshpit and the genuine concern shown by the band was enlightening. Still easily in Top 5 shows ever.
So good. I was too young to catch them, only ever got to see Mackaye playing with The Evens.
at the town hall downstairs?
Yeah that little art space on Auckland St, did you go too? I remember there being not many people, and a really annoying woman trying to be matey with Ian between songs.
haha yep was there.. I was surprised that there wasn’t many punters, given the Ian factor. I guess my worship of MT and Fugazi didn’t equate with the masses. And yes, that shit was cringe as fuck. He must get that at any show he does.. I remember thinking she was gonna say “play waiting room”.
The Messthetics (Brendon and Joe) just played a run through Australia, with a reformed Mark of Cain. Couldn’t afford to go after saving up for some other shows…
Yes I had two opportunities to see them in Brissie and Newy but flaked out both times. TMOC are touring Ill at Ease next year supposedly
Same, however I did see Ian give a talk at a tiny classroom at the university nearest me. I sat on the floor, next to Ed Templeton and Geoff Rowley. It was wonderful!
Two of mates have a pic with Ian Mackay from that gig. They both have out of step shirts on, shaved heads and look like twin young versions of the man himself. SXE to the maxxx
I saw them twice in Auckland in the mid 90’s. The second time I saw touring the red medicine album was phenomenal. They were easily one of the tightest live outfits I’ve ever seen.
It’s him. I believe.
And let’s up the ante… ask Guy to get hold of Ian… one could imagine how many more non-surf surf fans the WSL could generate with a Ian-Dork Ziff debate on humanity…
the tightest live show you could ever see in the 1990s…
Apologies Derek, I really need my garage space back so I’m going to put this here instead.
I can’t do another rewrite, despite the flaws.
—————————————
I think I’m safe to say that we here on BeachGrit are somewhat held hostage to whims and fortunes of the World Surf League. And, while we bemoan its various flaws, stupidities, and moral shortcomings, we are nonetheless semi-voluntarily captive, almost happy to wait for the thrills of the spectacle. Only a grumpy old local knows the feeling. I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome, but that’s another story.
It is in a generous spirit that I propose to offer up an idea to the WSL. In return, they might take some of our other suggestions more seriously, once the profit from this one starts settling into the creases.
I may (certainly) be slaughtered for this below, but I’m past caring.
Please put your hands together for:
The Ultimate Wildcard
ANYONE (above 18) who wants to chuck their name in the hat, can be selected to be the fifth wheel, the comedy extra, the ultimate underdog / whipping boy, and be on the CT Dream Tour for the season.
No comp experience or much surfing skill needed.
The draw of the viewers is not only sign-up for a potentially spot, but just to tune in and watch as quiet hometown perennial Bob McShufflebottom, who never gets a set wave, is now in a jersey at J Bay with a free pass to punch any shark he likes. Think of the support, the pathos, the outrageous drama and the chuckles.
Can you hear the cheers from all over the globe as Krystal Anaesthesia Murpher-Finlay, a rainbow-yoghurt-weaving influencer from Devon accidently pulls into a throaty one at The Box and grimly holds on for a 9.5, upsetting the heat and providing a tension unheralded?
Now for a start; what a money spinner! Datametrics + entries fees. What’s not to for the WSL to like?
I’d chuck in a fiver for the chance. Even though, of course if I got it, I’d never be forgiven for leaving my wife on the beach with the kids for the season.
Hell, I’ll even give you my (burner) email and fill out a marketing survey for you. I might not sign up to Facebook, but I’d be tempted.
Once selected, the winner/s must pass some basic medical stuff to ensure they won’t immediately keel-over from underlying conditions. Getting rubbed off the reef is free and gratis, and entirely at the whim of the contestant. If they pull a Panda and refuse 10 foot Teahopo’o? Well who could blame them? That ain’t their day job. They don’t really care about the points. But what if they did go? Jumped into the line-up with full confidence in various safety gear; vests, helmets, and the highly-trained water-patrol, while leaving a fully-sponsored veteran athlete quivering on the boat in their wake? Even if they achieve nothing but donuts, the vicarious glory makes me dizzy just contemplating it.
The WSL (or some other sponsor) would of course pay for all air fares, accommodation etc. etc. Boards could be worked out somehow. Maybe they are only allowed whatever they can scrounge from home. Maybe some mystery shapers chip-in and on-the-fly board reviews are generated for average / below-average surfers. This could also fly for wet suits, board shorts, you name it. Sponsors would start gnawing their fingers off to participate.
Personally of course I’d want to use only BeachGrit tail pads, but if needs must I’d swap them if it meant my guaranteed half-hour place in a temporary empty Indo line-up was at risk. Wouldn’t you? (Sorry guys)
Think of the amazing storytelling (buzz, buzz, buzz Elo) that could be woven into any facet of social media you could name. Legends will be made one way or the other; for better or worse.
I mean for goodness sake, the commentary team could actually have something to talk about for a start. More importantly so would the general public.
Let’s examine a couple of fictional, but highly likelyscenarios more closely shall we?
Exhibit A:
Pavlo Taras. Age 25. Hometown: Odessa, Ukraine.
Never touched a surfboard, but likes swimming in the Black Sea. Fearless skater despite icy conditions for large parts of the year. Typically physical specimen of a skater: skinny up top, strong legs, and able to smoke cones of Romanian blue-shiva that would leave Snoop Lion under the table.
After a couple of warm-up weeks along the east coast of NSW hosted by various WSL-related families, his progress is surprisingly swift. He gains muscle and makes lots of friends with his Slavic cheer. By Snapper, several prominent shapers are actually jostling for position to offer-up boards to the lad. Rumours of wild nights start trickling out as Ain’t it Swell declare him a humble messiah and smash vodka bottles in his honour. At J-Bay he’s drawing lines that make several top 5 competitors start to question their own legitimacy.
As the season draws to a close Pavlo has been hailed as a shadow champion, and sealed a multi-million dollar contract in preparation for a legitimate QS run the following year. The WSL’s comments sites are rammed to capacity. Dreams are fomenting in youth around the world.
Exhibit B:
Rhonda Proboscis. Age: 67. Ran a few marathons in her 50’s and took some surfing lessons in Florida while visiting her son in Cocoa Beach a few years ago. Signed up to the UWC lottery after seeing the ad while looking at The Facebooks with her niece, who laughingly suggested the idea.
Now that she won the place, passed a preliminary medical exam, and threatened to sue the WSL should she not be allowed to fulfil her opportunity, and within in the men’s CT at that (because sexism – you go girl!); there she is, in a fetching blue jersey at Snapper.
Within minutes of the opening whistle of her heat in the seeding round, Jadson Andre has abandoned his board on the beach and is helping her into burgery-ones at the far end of the contest zone. Jaddy shouts encouragement and celebrates as she manages to stand up on a couple for a second place total of 3 points. Master Andre burns the heat with a fat zero, but gains millions of adoring fans. At the beach presser, arm wrapped around Rhonda’s shoulder protectively, he tells Rosie about his newly adopted third-grandmother. The WSL’s Insta feed sizzles and Jaddy gets a dozen new sponsors.
By the time Chopes is in full swing, there are public spats amongst the pros as the badge of honour to serve-up Mrs. Probicus some personal tuition grows pressingly tumescent. Her niece is shown on NBC, jaw agape in Muncie, Indiana as Aunty Rhonda is livestreamed being towed tandem into a howling cavern. Mai-tai in hand, cheeky pink straw hat whipping from her Gath’d head into the maelstrom behind, coral-pink nails drawing blanched trails on Owen’s taut abs. They emerge screeching with delight, to the largest flotilla of boats ever assembled in the channel. Twitter absolutely fricken melts.
…
We could go on. The characters are legion, and merely waiting in the wings of our imagination, and the WSL’s. I’ll just let this rest here, and humbly await the false-cracks from my fellow barking pinnipeds about how it will never sing, and my brazen selling-out to the find a glory-hole in the Wall of Positive Noise is sickening. I’m miserable though, and need a change of job. I know it can work. I’ve got the vision, man.
Gimme a call E-Lo. Let’s make it happen.
—
Help me Rhonda .
Wait till she meets Katut
Lucky I’m with Katut …
BOOM
published.
Nah. Feels like pinning an End-of-The-World rant to the supermarket notice board, alongside the adverts for yoga classes, lawn-mowing, and lost pets.
You shoulda submitted it
Cause if they will publish Curries stuff they’ll publish anything.
That’s the point.
I did submit it.
But I am curious as to what McChazzles thinks of it.
Yes CB!
Welcome to the growing club of commentors who, denied their name in lights, have self-published in the comments section.
And God said let there be Percussion , Hilti be thy name …..
imagine trying to explain the world tour to someone who doesn’t surf.
The more you think about it the worse it gets
Forgive them Father , They know not what they do …. But next time tell the Holy Spirit to use Dyna Bolts for my sake …. ?
I went on a weed/snowboard related trip to Colorado and stayed in beautiful Silverthorne for two weeks 4 years ago. Gotta say, its a great place. At that stage Colorado was one of the few states that had legalized and fuck it was great. High as fuck for the whole trip on edibles and surrounded by the rocky mountains, great snow and sunny weather. I thought I was in heaven. Pretty close at 3km’s altitude!
If old mate is reading this, you have one hell of a state there lad.
This makes Jon Denver’s Colorado Rocky Mountain High prophetic …. ?
Oh indeed JB. I’d never ridden stoned before. It was a revelation. Reminded me of surfing baked for the first time when I was like 16. Nature, activities and weed go together so well!
Ever been random dope tested By the cops?
Newy always gets featured on RBT.
Yep, lotta Icey’s and drunks in my little town.
Pulled over many times. There’s a hotspot on Maitland Rd near my gaff that’s on that show ALL the time. Passed with flying colours. The cameras were there for one particular time, they asked if they could use me cause the camera just loves me and they must have clocked me as being potentially high/drunk. I asked if you get paid.. they said “you get to be on TV”.. not the outcome I wanted. But the pass while high was great ha!
Please don’t tell me they are random testing for stupidity and how would they know , especially if they are making a comparison to their own level ?
In Newy.. like shooting fish in a barrel.
Much better than the original title about a bloke on the John riding A Mal like a witch … ?
epstein didn’t kill himself! oops sorry, wrong chat
Vinny Barborino’s class mate from Welcome Back Kotter , Juan Epstein ?
It’s never the wrong place for Epstein conspiracy theories. Are you in some pizzagate related chat someplace else?
pizzagate?
If you don’t know, trust me you don’t want to! It was a conspiracy about child trafficking. An evil Clinton heavy and largely ridiculous Alex Jones joint. But it did touch on some of the Epstein shit a few years before his most recent legal issues arose.
Any of you all seen the film Waking Life? Interesting Alex Jones rant segment in it. When I first saw the movie I had no idea who he was!
Haven’t seen Waking Life. Worth a watch?
Alex is.. an interesting dude. He’s been good to very good in the past. He’s kinda more an entertainer now than a proper journo. His doco Endgame is as relevant now as when he made it. The Bilderberg and Owl secret society stuff should be taught in school. The kids need to know who to aim their extinction strikes at.
https://youtu.be/x-CrNlilZho
Very much worth a watch, Richard Linklatter, a mind bender.
https://m.youtube.com/watch…
Can I just skip it and ask you who the kids should hate?
The gloabalist scum Bex! The fuckers that start wars and co-opt democracy while trying to say they are all for it.
We need to get Alex Jones to write some BG articles
Shhh! Any second Bex is going to turn up with Q-Alco theories…
It’s the weekend ….He might be on the Bex Powders ?
I totally need them to cope with the liberals in sheep’s clothing evil sickness. One day you’ll snap out of your fake wokeness
Just keep voting for that mob.
That Jeremy Corbin sounds
Just sick and anti human.
Inserting gerbils becoming compulsory is not far away with those liberal weirdos.
I’m a BeachGrit self-confessed fan of self-confessed non-surfing surf fans
Sincerely
Superworm
BGRT SCF of SCNSSF
Only a Non Surfer Knows the Feeling ……. So Sophie G how does it feel to be elected ball boy / ball girl of the year by BGRT SCF SCNSSF ? Oh you thought this was for Water Person of the Year ? Ha ha ha that is handed out by SIMA’s Ministry of Truth …..
The real shock here is
That Non Ocean Going Folk
Have cause for SharkHate
We have sharknado to thank for that he knows what can happen
YETI t make sense abominably at least for Snow men …Ah woo ooh hoo Sasquatch pour moi ….
From surfing to sharknado to the yeti to Plastic Bertrand in the blink of an eye. All synapses firing!
https://youtu.be/yQ4i3lQM5lg
What kind of esteem is ze Plastique man held on ze continent?
To be honest I think the song had a bigger impact in Australia then anywhere else but in saying that the craziest of my crazy French buddies knew it off by heart so it must of plucked his strings along the way .
Fuck …I forgot to mention Jack Brel …. In my humble opinion Belgium’s Finest
https://youtu.be/rumEi6BKkeQ
Jacques Brel? Is he alive?
And, how is he?
Jack Brel left the building in 78 .
Damn, maybe that’s just as Well.
Stupid discus! I can’t post photos from my phone now, it says I’m not logged in ? Does anyone have a tip?
Commentariat: the new commies
Meanwhile back on the Farm ….. “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”
All animals are tasty, but pork is more tasty than chicken.
Swine !
The accuracy of these ads is frightening. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Stop wasting Paper ! Make a bid today for a Bidet ? R SOLD to the man from the Clean Butt Club ?
“The ocean is my bidet” – Griffin Colapinto, Clean Butt Club Ambassador.
And he won’t have to wipe his bum any more with that San paper Clemente …..
Ps Please don’t throw your Clean Butts in the Toilet ,
They become soggy and hard to light !
Corn draggers unite
And Takeover !
Your keyword searches and browsing habits best be suited to a VPN and private browser. Just saying
Eh. I have nothing to hide. Not even my (beach) gritty arse
It’s the computers behind the Wall of Positive Noise that suffer the most from such revelations. Don’t believe me? Check out this Closed Circuit Security Camera footage from behind the Berlin Wa…, ahem I mean Wall of Positive Noise:
https://youtu.be/UzIQOQGKeyI
Outstanding!
My old favorite from Peter Finch in Network
https://youtu.be/rGIY5Vyj4YM
I’d like to thank the Acade… err, kooks who gave me this award. Ummm, I’d also like to thank my co-workers and my girlfriend, who ignore me and leave me to my own devices and allow me to spend so much time on BG. To all the little people and retarded pros who I can make fun of, you guys rock…
*Shoo away music starts playing*
err, um, especially Charlie Goldsmith and Kelly Slater, you’re the greatest and make my job easy….
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Next fucken level Karl.
And welcome @Anrky22!
On behalf of the Association of Sarcastic Pricks, I present you with your prize.. https://youtu.be/AOPFeNqj7UI
What’s Going On ! That is so ( Marvin ) Gaye …….
fucking hell.
Over heard lemoore is hot like my oven….