Listen: “With hair braided to corral and hold all the power of the islands, Gabriel Medina cannot be beat at Pipeline!”

Italo vs. Gabe is a heavyweight bout for the ages.

Hair is an important, if sometimes overlooked, source of male strength. Who could ever forget Sampson in the Bible with his flowing locks that held much power. All was lost when the temptress Delilah lopped them off but they grew back in time for a picturesque murder/suicide.

The Native Americans have famously kept their hair long and according to the Awakening Times, “It has been proven scientifically that people who have long hair tend to be less tired, more energetic and less likely to become depressed. People who have long hair also conserve energy and don’t feel the cold of winter the same as people with short hair. A person who has short hair wastes his body’s energy. A person who cuts his hair over his lifetime forces the body to grow 22 meters of replacement hair. A person who keeps his hair only produces 1.5 meters of hair over his lifetime.”

Fascinating, no?

Which brings us to our current Men’s Championship Tour World Title heavyweight bout between Italo and Gabe.

My heart so so so so wants Italo to win, to be chaired up the beach draped in Order and Progress.

My head says “Gabriel Medina will win. Look at him above, hair braided to corral and hold all the power of the islands. All of its mana. Italo became like the ancient, evil Haole, cooking his hair to white. Gabriel has transcended to the place only nymphettes with bracelets of friendship, hands of henna and hearts of pure gold/patchouli oil dare tread.”

I hope my head is wrong but… oh, what do you think? While weighing out various scenarios come listen to David Lee Scales and I chat about Jaws, Joe Turpel and the Jabbawockeez.

Have you seen them? In Las Vegas?

Me neither.