“Our main focus is to get more Queenslanders more active, more often through the sport of surfing.”

In an appalling, unprecedented and unprovoked attack, Queensland Australia’s state government has declared war on its local surfing population. Officials and community leaders are gathered days ago for the sixth biennial Global Wave Conference in order to implement a partnership between Queensland Government and Surfing Queensland that will likely “aggravate and annoy” surfers from Mick Fanning’s Gold Coast to Julian Wilson’s Sunshine Coast and never has a specific group been so brutally targeted for destruction in Australia’s proud history.

Per the press release dripping with malice and indignity:

Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk announced the partnership at the Gold Coast World Surfing Reserve, stating that the “Government fought to protect this part of the Gold Coast for surfers and ocean lovers, and WE WANT MORE PEOPLE to take part in surfing at all levels from recreation to elite.

“So supporting people who face barriers into surfing makes sense right now.”.

With more than 350,000 surfers in the state, Queensland Minister for Sport Mick de Brenni said the partnership would encourage more people to take part in surfing, regardless of their age, gender, background, ability or location, commenting “this partnership delivers diversity and inclusion programs for recreational, club and surf school participants that will allow individuals to overcome barriers to participation, including targeted programs for people with a disability, women and girls, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people and other under-represented groups.

Surfing Queensland Chief Executive, Adam Yates said he is thrilled to see the new partnership come to fruition, noting “we are incredibly proud that surfing is one of six sports identified to create a meaningful impact with this strategy.

“We firmly believe that surfing promotes a healthy lifestyle and can improve the quality of life for all Queenslanders.

“This new partnership will strengthen our delivery network, making surfing more accessible for all Queenslanders – whether you are five years old or 50.

“Our main focus is to get more Queenslanders more active, more often through the sport of surfing.”

New South Wales is already rumored to have closed its borders with Queensland and all flights from Coolangatta’s airport to Melbourne and Perth have been cancelled.

BeachGrit will continue to monitor the situation from its Cardiff-by-the-Sea desk and plans to up reports of shark attacks in and around Queensland as well as stingray attacks, jellyfish attacks and broken bottle attacks, the broken bottles being held by disgruntled and stupid surfers.

More as the story develops.

The patience. The timing. The angles.

Great White sharks are very skilled at many things including eating men, scaring people, getting their pâté eaten by Killer Whales and starring in movies but did you know they are also experts in basketball offensive and defensive schemes?

It is, apparently, true. Laker legend Kobe Bryant, whose life was tragically cut short in a recent helicopter crash, used to study the apex predators in order to learn how to stuff fifty points down Allen Iverson’s gullet with devastating, unstoppable, vicious skills while holding the Philly star to nothing.

Zero points.

Extremely heartless. Great White style.

Now, Kobe has a Great White named after him. A 12-foot young adult swimming off of Guadalupe Island and let us meet this famous jr.

The photographer who first captures full-body pictures of the left and right side of a shark can pick its name, but many are just known by a number.

This shark was #24 — which was also one of the numbers Bryant wore as a Los Angeles Laker.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8MqP87hrSc/

That’s not the only connection between Bryant and the shark.

Martin Graf, the diver, who photographed #24, actually took Bryant in a shark cage back in 2013 and gave him an up-close look at two great whites.

“He got into our cages and he spent a good short chunk of the day, hanging out on the boat and in the cages,” she said. Bryant told Graf that he became interested in sharks when he was living in Italy as a kid, she said.

The designs of some of Bryant’s Nike shoes were inspired by sharks and he wrote in a 2017 article for The Players’ Tribune that he studied great whites to help him prepare to guard Philadelphia 76ers star Allen Iverson.

In the piece, Kobe writes:

On March 19, 1999, Iverson put 41 points and 10 assists on me in Philadelphia.

Working harder wasn’t enough.

I had to study this man maniacally.

I obsessively read every article and book I could find about AI. I obsessively watched every game he had played, going back to the IUPU All-American Game. I obsessively studied his every success, and his every struggle. I obsessively searched for any weakness I could find.

I searched the world for musings to add to my AI Musecage.

This led me to study how great white sharks hunt seals off the coast of South Africa.

The patience. The timing. The angles.

Wonderful but as surfers, as ocean warriors, we better up our games as we play against actual sharks.

Time for all of us to head into the video room, notebooks open, Shark Week on.

Etc.

Many skills to learn.

"Everything I did to train for the surf saved my life that day."

And of all the thing surfing has gifted your life, the cancerous skin, inability to enjoy family time when there are waves, pronounced grouchiness, heightened grouchiness, wasted time etc. would you ever guess that it might one day also save your brain from extensive damage if you fall into a coma and nearly die?

It’s true, unbelievably true, and we must fly digitally to meet our hero in Western Australia where they breed them tough, strong and true. A young man with a name so west Australian that it only needs be uttered to smell the vineyards and road killed kangaroos baking under a warm sun.

Targe Hough.

And, a bit of backstory, Targe was out exercising when he felt a migraine coming on and went down. Out. Coma. His family learned from the doctors that the 22-year-old had a rare condition that led to an aneurysm and “bleak” prognosis and they agreed to honor his wishes and yank the plug.

But…

But fate intervened when a new doctor came in and advised the family to wait just a few more days.

Within that time span, Targe suddenly began to shows signs of life, slowly making movements, and finally woke up four weeks later.

Despite a grueling recovery process, he revealed he didn’t suffer brain damage thanks to his training as a surfer, which taught him how to hold his breath for extended periods of time.

‘I was without oxygen for a long time, doctors said afterwards that I should have brain damage, but I guess I was used to holding my breath,’ he said.

‘Everything I did to train for the surf saved my life that day.’

And have you ever read a happier story?

Everything I have done to train for the surf journalism has saved my life too.

Oh wait…

While we’re together though, what are your instructions, either stated or internal, on what happens if you fall into severe coma?

How long would you like to, would you like to let it linger?