NZ is OK and gets the Kelly Slater credibility stamp. (Photo: the iconic Steve Sherman)
NZ is OK and gets the Kelly Slater credibility stamp. (Photo: the iconic Steve Sherman) | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Breaking: Kelly Slater to kick off 2020 season in New Zealand, competing there for first time in 30 years and giving “stamp of credibility” to local surf scene!

Chas Smith

By

Thank you GOAT!

Can you believe? Surf news? Actual real surf news and I had to rub my eyes too. I had to rub them then do a double take* but there, in front of me, remained an old friend, the greatest surfer of all time, heading to New Zealand in order to take a spot from a young hopeful, play golf and give a “stamp of credibility” to the local scene.

And let’s tuck into the press release, very quickly, before having an important discussion.

The Piha Pro, which takes place between March 16-22, will be the first time Slater has competed in New Zealand since 1993.

The Piha Pro is one stop on the newly-announced WSL Challenger Series which will see more than 100 surfers chasing qualifying for the elite Championship Tour in 2021.

“I’m excited to be surfing again in an event in New Zealand and seeing all my fans there. I love the country and all it has to offer… incredible surf, golf and so much more,” Slater said.

“I’m also looking forward to starting my 2020 WSL season by competing at a Challenger Series event.”

Event director Chris Simpson was pleased to see Slater will compete in New Zealand for the first time in 27 years.

“This is a real coup for the Corona Piha Pro; to have the greatest of all time in our first year goes to show how well-regarded Piha is as a surf destination,” said Simpson.

“It gives us a real stamp of credibility and is going to create hype around the sporting community in New Zealand.”

Now, this new Challenger Series sounds like it might be a good time, no? But I’m still utterly confused. Does it replace the QS? Is it a bridge between the QS and the CT or is it like the XFL a “different” league for athletes who are “almost good?”

It’s nice, in whatever case, that Kelly Slater is going and taking a slot from someone who, best case scenario, might end up on the CT someday as a number 23 spot and annoy us for one entire half of the year in that bottom half of the draw.

An act of mercy.

It’s also nice that Kelly Slater is giving New Zealand a real surf stamp of credibility but, and correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t Luke Cederman from the country?

Didn’t he provide that stamp years ago?

Negatron? Any insight here?

*As “President of Content, Media, Studios, Etc. Erik “ELo” Logan was an utter failure. Never before in my years as a surf journalist have I seen such an absolute dearth of professional surfing related content.

Vaginal Kung Fu, with surfboard. Kim Amani

Fire-crotch: “Vaginal weightlifting can give anyone who practises it the best sex of their lives!”

Derek Rielly

By

"Carrying a surfboard under your arm is a thing of the past."

Vaginal weightlifting is an activity that would be best described, I think, as niche.

Not for any rational reason: it’s photogenic and any sort of championship would makes for more compelling live viewing than a two-week surf event.

Kim Amani, a forty-seven surfer and “intimacy coach”, is a devotee of Vaginal Kung Fu, where a weight is inserted into the vagina with a string attached to a heavier object, a surfboard for example.

Better orgasms via a “toned and sleek vagina” ergo better sex.

Amani says she can lift ten pounds, or four-and-a-half kilograms, with her genital muscles and enjoy twenty consecutive orgasms.

“When I speak of vaginas that shoot ping pong balls and open beer bottles and win world records, these aren’t wild exceptions to what vaginas can do (though they are currently). Every woman can do these things,” Amani writes on her website.

View this post on Instagram

#Things I Lift with My Vagina New year, new vagina. It’s that time you’ve all been waiting for: Vaginal Kung Fu 2015. The free video series is up, as a preview to the upcoming 8-week salon. If you haven’t watched them yet, you can sign up for access. Link in bio. In celebration of this year’s salon, and to raise vaginal power—and pleasure— awareness globally, I have embarked on a new campaign: #thingsiliftwithmyvagina This educational challenge features me traveling the world, lifting objects indigenous to various regions, with my vagina. Stay tuned for my vaginal adventures. This is me in Venice Beach, with my special new surfboard carrier: my vagina. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkkungfu

A post shared by Kim Anami (@kimanami) on

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Rz9ePHERt/

For men, Amani offers lessons in how to achieve a “Supercock” etc.

Listen here. 

Watch: Killer Whale brutally massacres lovable dolphin then “prances about like Donald Trump” while showing off lifeless victims’s tail!

Chas Smith

By

Or are you a Pete Buttigieg man?

If we think for, even one moment, that nature has a heart, has benevolence and love we only have to turn our eyes to the ocean for there we see horror and terror. We see grown men and sometimes women choosing to stroke the horizon on stand-up paddleboards.

We see grown men and sometimes women paddling mid-length surfboards into the lineup. Surfboards that used to be called “funboards” or “eggs” that only the morally illiterate went for.

We see Killer Whales eating the tails off of Great White Sharks, yes, but we also see them pouncing on the “Poodle of the Sea” i.e. dolphin, massacring then showing off its carcass exactly like the President of the United States Donald Trump showed off the carcass of the Democratic Party (also of the United States) post-impeachment.

Or Bernie Sanders walloping the remaining Democratic field in last night’s debate.

Dancing on #MayorCheat’s grave.

The ocean.

Sometimes weird. Sometimes vicious.

Always entertaining.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Qu6bUpQ83/

No?

You’re a Pete Buttigieg man?

For shame.

But also, are Killer Whales the new “Youth against Establishment?”

Yes?

More as the story develops.

Ripping.
Ripping.

Paradise Lost: SeaWorld releases statement declaring trainers will no longer “surf” on its “fun-loving” dolphins for public entertainment and joy!

Chas Smith

By

"Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards..."

Killjoys really know how to kill joy and how frustrating, in this day and age when Coronavirus is chewing through thousands, the Maldives has turned into terror epicenter, Mick Fanning’s stalker loves him or being a pedophile and our World Surf League is being broken apart on the shoals of Hawaiian bureaucracy for anyone to snatch smiles from children’s faces but that is exactly what PETA, the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals has done and let’s head straight to the organization’s press release while our bile builds.

Orlando, Fla. – Following a months-long PETA campaign that included a damning veterinary report, a shareholder question asked by Alec Baldwin, numerous local ads, and more, SeaWorld admits in response to PETA’s latest shareholder proposal that it has stopped making trainers ride on dolphins’ backs and will soon end their practice of standing on dolphins’ faces in abhorrent circus-style shows. In response, PETA has withdrawn its shareholder proposal calling for an end to these cruel practices.

“Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards means less abuse at SeaWorld, but orcas and other dolphins continue to suffer in tiny concrete tanks,” says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. “The company seems intent on being dragged, kicking and screaming, into ultimately releasing these animals to seaside sanctuaries. PETA is calling on it to put a plan in place now.”

Stopping trainers from treating dolphins like surfboards?

A surfboard is the very height of human development, thruster, twin, quad and for dolphins to be treated like surfboards is to honor them deeply.

Rage.

Unbridled rage.

Children weeping, asking why no more fun.

Dolphins weeping, having no more fun and also not playing progressive rocker/volume games.

Send letters of rage to Alec Baldwin.

More as the story develops.

But, quickly, what shape is a dolphin?

Definitely not a fish so what?

Watch: Wild melee ensues as bikini-clad British tourist arrested for “indecent exposure” on Maldives beach screaming, “Stop sexually assaulting me!”

Chas Smith

By

Maldives gone wild II

And outside of Josh Kerr winning regular events at the Four Seasons Resort Maldives at Kuda Huraa, that glorious island nation is best known for blue water, luxury, white sand, peace and quiet but something is shaking, some electric pulse floating on the coconut-scented wind. Some untethered, unhinged business and wow.

It’s Maldives gone wild.

Yesterday, we learned about an an alleged ISIS recruiter from either Syria or Afghanistan who won the jackpot with his Maldives posting and celebrated by going on a stabbing spree, injuring one Australian and two Chinese.

Today, we have the story of a bikini-clad British tourist arrested for “indecent exposure” while on the beach screaming, “You’re sexually assaulting me!” at her captors.

Please watch here

And what a fun scene. According to the Daily Mail:

The chief of police in the Maldives has apologised after a bikini-clad British tourist screamed ‘you’re sexually assaulting me’ as she was manhandled and arrested.

Footage of the arrest shows three men grappling with the woman and trying to put her in handcuffs as she attempted to fight them off yesterday evening.

Another man covered part of her body with a towel as she was led away in front of a crowd of people on the island of Maafushi, in the Kaafu atoll.

Police commissioner Mohamed Hameed said an ‘incident in which our officers restrained a female tourist seems to be badly handled’.

‘I apologise to the tourist and the public for this. The challenge I have taken up is to professionalise the police service and we are working on that,’ he said.

The woman was arrested for ‘indecent exposure’ but the incident is now under investigation.

A few things.

Is the woman’s bikini indecent? I don’t think so at all and find it very stylish a la Sean Connery in Zardoz.

But… why does she try to remove one of the arresting officers wrap around sunglasses? That seems rude and uncalled for. A man’s sunglasses are his pride and to have them removed, either via pluck or semi-closed knuckle slap, is not cool.

Lastly, none of the men appear to have “sexual” motives here. Can an assault just be an assault or do we live in a day an age where that is no longer possible?

More as the story develops.

Photo: Jack English
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