Exclusive interview from the front.

Not actually locked out, per se, as of this moment citizens of These United States of America are still theoretically allowed passage home but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Who knows how much crazier the civilized world can get by the hour?

Minute even?

I’ve been to a handful of rough places where the situation turned sour quickly. Yemen, Syria, Lebanon, Palm Springs, and it was easier to sort through fake airlines, byzantine bureaucracies, exploding bombs and radical Islam/The White Party than people are talking about getting out of Western Europe. France and Germany.

Germany.

It’s crazy.

“Is it crazy?” I ask my young daughter as we stroll through the Berlin Zoo, for certain the best zoo in the entire world. I snatched her, for days ago, as paranoia just started creeping. Dusting off my war reporter bona fides, smelling opportunity, getting into the muck because the muck is glorious and my young daughter needs that singular fun.

She’s laughing hysterically at a monkey’s butt and doesn’t hear the first time I ask so I repeat.

“Is it crazy?”

“Mmmm. I think people are crazy and I don’t really care about it.”

“Why are people crazy?”

“Because they’re nerds.”

“Do you know what Coronavirus is?”

“Yeah.”

“What.”

“A sickness?”

“Are you scared about it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because other people are nerds and only old people get sick.”

“Do you think it’s fun to be in Europe during the Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse?”

She pauses for a long minute while the monkey takes its butt and leaves.

“I think it’s fun but also dumb because we don’t even have the Coronavirus.”

“Well the actor in Big has the Coronavirus. Did you know that?”

“Good. Big was a horrible movie.”

As always, she’s right.

More as the story develops.

Coronavirus über alles.

“Italians crave the sweet life. The French prefer theirs in pink but the Germans are who we need to kick this Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse up to the next level…” I tell my young daughter as she’s picking and choosing among various music boxes in front of the Eiffel Tower.

“How do the Germans like their life?” she asks through a classically Gaulish flat tire sigh, annoyed at my pontifications but also vaguely curious. La Vie en Rose plinking along at the random rate with which she is spinning the music box’s miniature handle.

“Black. Brutal. Serious. The attitude we need right now.” I tell her, appreciating her cultural appropriation, “…but they also produce some of the world’s best techno and have some of the world’s best clubs. Have you ever heard of Krautrock?”

She shakes her head no.

“Well get ready.”

The next afternoon, after many more croissants etc. we sneak a plane out of Charles de Gaulle to Berlin’s Schönefeld airport. A wonderful counterpoint to Berlin’s Tegel or maybe just a wonderful counterpoint because it is wildly empty. I’ve been traveling the world for the better part of two decades now. Traveled right around 9/11, major airplane crashes etc. and have never seen the world so entirely shut down.

Stopped in its tracks.

“Germans.” I tell my daughter while waiting for our luggage. “The nihilism that’s going to get the whole of humanity moving again. They don’t ever give up. Did you know they tried to take over all of Europe twice and failed? Failed badly too, losing millions of people and billions of dollars but they didn’t quit and on try number three succeeded. Now everyone from Italy to Greece to Spain… even everyone inFrance is part of Germany. The entire thing. Conquered. Spending German money in ways that Germans dictate. Living the German life in shades of sweet and pink.”

She pulls a coin from her purse and studies it before saying, “It says ‘Euro’ not ‘German.'”

“Exactly.” I respond. “All they had to do was rebrand the thing. The Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse is going to be incredible there and we’re going to have some black, brutal, serious fun plus there’s an amazing zoo and I bet it’ll be so empty we can hop into the animal cages and pet them all. ”

She smiles broadly.

“Rebranding. It’s something we core surfers need to figure out so we can rebrand the whole World Surf League.”

She rolls her eyes.