Locals only.
After reading yesterday’s news that toilet paper is selling out in America, that Europe is gripped in a panic so severe the entirety of northern Italy has been completely walled off all over a disease manufactured in a Chinese factory, working just as well as other things manufacturers in Chinese factories, I knew I had to take my seven-year-old daughter to Ye Olde World and at once.
There was no other option. We needed to shred this Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse in a place actually fun as opposed to San Francisco or Washington D.C. or Wuhan.
The price for hand sanitizer may be through the roof. The price for direct flights to Paris decidedly not.
We drove to LAX too early, as the I feared mass flight cancelation. The Bradley International Terminal was save random Koreans in surgical masks and a smattering of Western Europeans also wearing surgical masks but extremely self-consciously.
Since I am a surfer, I booked us on Air Tahiti Nui. The pastel, sexually ambiguous carrier of our dreams
The flight itself was uneventful. Daughter slept. I wept rolling tears while watching the World War II film Midway starring Woody Harrelson, Ragnar Lodbrok’s eldest son and Joe Jonas who delivered the stirring line, “Who knows how we’re gonna die so might as well not care.”
Maybe it was Nick Jonas but, in any case, true. Except I know how I’m not going to die.
The Coronavirus.
Exactly like I know how a Huawei dishwasher will crap out in 1.5 years.
“Northern Italy has been completely walled off…” I tell my daughter after we clear customs at Charles de Gaulle, catch a cab then stroll the directly to The Louvre all jet-lagged while a cold grey sky begins to spit. “We used to be brave, damn it. When we got smacked by foreigners from the East we used to smack back.”
“Did you drink beer on the plane?” She asks.
“I drank inspiration.” I holler.
“Inspiration?”
“Never mind about that. I can’t imagine there are any Chinese left in Paris but we need to keep those northern Italians out. Them and their Coronaviruses. This is our chance to not lose our minds alongside the rest of the world but pretend we’re Paris locals. It’s the best thing surfers do, claim a strip of beach as theirs, however dubious the claim, and scare everyone else away. If you see a northern Italian you must find a rock and throw it while shouting whatever French you’ve got. ‘Oui merci beaucoup’ or some such.”
“How will I know northern Italians?”
“They wear Prada, Valentino, Miu Miu, Armani, Missoni and drive Fiats”
Localism really is a thing surfers understand and employ better than all comers. A gift I can give my daughter alongside anything she chooses to be in this life.
We walk up to the glass pyramid with only ten other confused people around but a sign reads: To prevent the spread of Covid-19 the Musée du Louvre is seeking to limit its attendance. Only visitors already in possession of an e-ticketwill be permitted to enter the Museum.
Well that’s lame.
A rock whizzes past my ear and spin around. My daughter is standing there wearing a new violet beret.
“You’re wearing Moncler…” she says, nonplussed.
She’s right. Fine form and a quick study.
More as the story develops.
While you’re in France, wear Pyrenex
Well done Chas.
You got off the plane and went straight to the Louvre? What, first time in Paris?
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
I once saw Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith in the Louvre. Does that count as interesting?
Beckham?
French locals “Where’d you go to lycee, merde for brains!”
I’m sensing a theme
“David’s ‘work’” … “full scale”
Go watch some stock brokers diving off buildings in la defense
They’ve 4 xd their money since 2010.
The jewellery in the Egyptian room blew my mind
Go to the Pompidou! Tell em to stick their e tickets up their baguette, you’re an American, on a mission!
Still going from Paris to Berlin by train? If so don’t miss Cologne, the ugliest city of them all!
The camera loves her.
Splendid! Localism! Another trait surfers share with the French, along with cowardice.
Oh and number three! Cultural arrogance!
I wonder if Australians or even the brave American would’ve reacted differently in 1940 when faced with the three-million strong Wehrmacht and her Panzers and Stukas etc. Three hundred and sixty thousand dead or wounded on the Allies side, 27k on the Nazis.
Ha ha ask the Russians. Around 26 million were killed or died as a result of World War Two. Then they turned around and basically won the war in possibly the most violent six month period in human history, killing up to four million German soldiers and killing and raping millions more in the civilian populations of Poland and Germany.
Now Australians are fighting over toilet paper in supermarkets and Americans are bitch slapping each other on the Internet over their political biases. We’re bloody lucky we can be so petty.
If Op Barbarossa etc excites then you must read Life and Fate by Vasily Grossman. Warmly recommended by Longtom. I loved very much, too.
Always up for a recommend!
The Russians didn’t loose 73% of their fighting age males in the prior war nor did they face a well coordinated Schlieffen Plan style assult.
We sure as fuck did react differently. Are you shitting me? A couple dozen planes drop bombs on Hawaii and our corn-feddest boys were lining up to get their asses shot off in the Old Country.
And were quite happy to sit and watch millions die in Europe before that moment
Not the point! When the fight came here, there was no shirking.
Shit comment mate. Do you reckon we (Aussies) were sitting around with our dicks in our hands in 1940?
Nah, you (Aussies) were busy shooting Aboriginals for dog tucker.
Interesting take from the country who sat on their hands during both WW’s until the outcome was already decided.
Seeing as how it was illegal to sit around with someone else’s dick in your hand (if one was male) perhaps so.
you dodged a bullet with the Louvre, if you were seriously considering it.
worst place on earth, (along with a taylor swift concert and Myrtle Beach)
I recommend late-night strolls with little blonde girl through Barbès Rochechouart and Goutte d’Or…
Currently enjoying the pandemonium whilst living in Southern Italy!
How’s the mood?
Or, la mooda?
LOCKDOWN 💀
Bizness or coach? Relevant to quality of offering of drinks. Beer, wine, white spirits or whisky? Altitude + spirits = soft touch for a weepy film. They wearing masks in Paris now or making do with scarves and a shrug?
Middle seat middle row coach!
You need a better travel agent or…you need to be checking in online as soon as check in opens.
Leave the rock
Bring the croissant
Bring back some toilet paper, will you?
Maybe a bidet?
Nah, I’ve got too many hats as it is.
Besides, once you wipes yer arse on it, it’s not much fun wearing it.