Surfer-father (left) and daughter pictured in Paris. Theoretically better days.
Surfer-father (left) and daughter pictured in Paris. Theoretically better days.

Breaking: Enterprising surfer-father takes young daughter to Europe so they can “shred the Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse!”

(Or how I learned to stop worrying and love worldwide pandemics.)

Let’s all just admit, once and for all, that surfers are almost entirely worthless. We, each and every one of us, are carbon spewing, grouchily territorial, poisonously caustic, generally white, male and well-enough fed.

Starting boutique beer labels in our ample spare time etc.

Slightly re-tooling tail pads etc. (buy here)

Contributing the very last things this overheating world needs and staying almost entirely worthless while so doing.


The almost relates to how we travel and in that one regard we approach genius or at least “interestingly touched” levels of autism.

Mark a wave anywhere, in any country, going through any crisis and surfers will travel there. Will travel through wars and civil wars, corruption and vice, hell and high water to surf it.

Which brings us directly to our current, developing Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse and whoa.


Are you watching? Keeping up? Can you believe?

SXSW cancelled. All college classes at Stanford University cancelled. Toilet paper sold out everywhere. People in completely unaffected regions self-quarantining. China shuttered. Cruise ships circling the oceans with no port willing to take them, states of emergency declared all over these United States.

But better, Europe in sheer panic, airline prices falling, the Champs-Élysées deserted, croissants rotting in the streets, shattered Hermes storefront windows gaping, begging for ginger little fingers to pluck camisoles then stroll down that deserted Champs-Élysées itself while whistling Champs-Élysées.

No crowds in front of the Mona Lisa at The Louvre.

No reservations needed at Girafe.

No busloads of Chinese tourists.

I’m looking at my angelic seven-year-old daughter, literally right now, across the table blonde head tilted down, watching From Russia with Love, her second favorite Bond film after Goldfinger, on her phone.

“Baby girl…” I holler “…wanna to go shred the Coronavirus Zombie Apocalypse?”

She looks up, says, “Yes…” before looking back down.

We’re flying to Paris tomorrow morning.

More as the story develops.

Listen: Exuberantly playful, wonderfully childlike Kai Lenny is surfing’s very own Pee-wee Herman!


Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, starring Paul Reubens as the exuberantly playful, wonderfully childlike titular character, was one of the very best films to come out of the 1980s. Herman, living in an amazing house with incredible toys and inventions, enjoyed each day to the fullest, not a cloud passing his sky until his most favorite treasure on earth – a red bike – went missing.

Pee-wee fearlessly chased it down, meeting an eclectic cast of characters along the way while charming each and every one of them until a glorious “happy-ever-after” finale and does his life, his story not mirror our own Kai Lenny’s to a tee?

Existence is a wonderful adventure for Lenny filled with toys, laughs and friends.

Unique laughs.

Heh heh!

There are some frightful creatures too with frightful stories, like Large Laird Hamilton, but mostly just heaping spoonfuls of fun and a most favorite treasure on earth – a shiny foilboard.

If World Surf League CEO and Lord Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise Erik “ELo” Logan does not see the viability in a re-boot… Lenny’s Lucky Life let’s call it… then he’s not the visionary he claims to be.


You don’t see it?

Listen here.

Locals get steamed up on Reunion. | Photo: La Haine

CoronaVirus hysteria: Locals on magical surf-rich island attack Australian tourists from cruise liner with bottles and stones and taunt with cruel insults!

"I fart in your general direction" etc.

Lovely Reunion Island, an Indian Ocean jewel, French, a place that is so wonderful and so perfect that you must, at least once in your life, take its nipple in your mouth and sob with pleasure.

Except for the bull sharks.


Jeremy Flores was born there and says getting attacked “is a fifty-fifty proposition.” The epicentre of fatal attacks.

Locals die while Paris fiddles.

A tropical paradise with water turned blood red.

The local news site even has a special category for shark stories. 

Need a reason not to go?

Here’s another.

Reunion Island locals, steamed up with Coronavirus hysteria,  have attacked visiting Australian and New Zealand tourists from a cruise ship, lighting fires on the road their shuttle bus was travelling on, throwing bottles and stones and taunting the visitors with cruel insults.

Police hit the locals with tear gas.

The cops told passengers they couldn’t guarantee their safety and the ship was forced to sail to nearby Mauritius.

There have been no reported cases of Coronavirus on Réunion Island, which has a population of around 900,000, so maybe it ain’t a bad idea to shut the gate for a lil while.

“Of course we are not against the arrival of tourists in Reunion, they are necessary for the development of our economy,” protestor Yannis Latchimy told Imaz Press Réunion. “We just want to be sure that there is no risk of the spread of the coronavirus.”

Watch: Rabid shark chases terrified porpoise up rocks then feasts on its innards while famous surfer declares, “We’re not safe on land anymore!”

We're all getting eaten. You. Me. Our children. Their children.

Oh to be a surfer in South Africa. To be a surfer and brave, knowing that every single wave brings with it the very real opportunity of being feasted upon by a shark. Knowing that your very innards might be served up at the local shark braai where those sharks will pick and choose your most delectable bits while smacking their lips and critiquing your general quality. Liver no good, shot through over-drinking, for example. Lungs crispy and charred from one too many Gunstons.

Oh to be a surfer in South Africa while the rest of South Africa’s non-surfing population looks on, thinking, “That bosbefok is just asking for it, eh. Asking to get eaten, eh.”

Sharks, as you well know, love South Africa and love South African surfers.

But in a shocking turn, South Africa’s sharks are now encroaching upon the land and let us witness famous son Jordy Smith terrifying Instagram post. Let us watch a shark climb sharp rocks in order to feast on a terrified porpoise’s innards.

The end is certainly nigh.

And/or already here.

And/or was here, like, six months ago.

Or maybe not?

If porpoises are also learning to walk I think much fun for man as dogs are getting boring.

Do you disagree?

Watch: Penguin and seal participate in “consensual, beautiful, inspiring” non-binary love act!

A fine example for surfers.

Oh we humans, we Homo sapiens, are a vicious lot getting more and more vicious by the day. Those who self-identify as “left” refuse to speak with those who self-identify as “right.” Vegans won’t even look at pescatarians and say snotty things about them under their mung bean breath. Those who think the earth is round cannot stand the sight of those who think the earth is flat and take every opportunity to mock and belittle.

Tribes and camps.

We’ve separated ourselves into tribes and camps and loathe every tribe and camp not our own.

And we surfers may be worst of all. Tribes and camps within tribes and camps. Two surfers may vote for establishment Democratic candidates, for example, but if one rides a fish and the other rides a plus-sized fish then they will hate each other and look for ways to cause much harm one to the other.

Thankfully we have the animal kingdom to show us a better, more gentle way. To learn how to treat those different from us.

Love them even.

Recently we witnessed a benevolent killer whale saving an injured seal and a polar bear kissing a funny circus seal.

Today we have another seal but this one participating in a consensual, beautiful, inspiring non-binary love act with a handsome penguin.

If these two can cross species lines than shouldn’t a surfer who rides a Hayden shaped Hypto-Krypto be able to wake up next to a surfer who rides a Channel Island’s Neck Beard without shame?

Let us, like our animal friends, freely live, laugh and love.