Photo courtesy of Greg Vella/Facebook

Witness: Endangered two-ton Great White shark savagely choked to death by “troublingly kinky” sea turtle!

Haven't we learned?

The world has gone entirely topsy-turvy, I don’t need to tell you, as the once proud human race is, today, cowering indoors, hiding behind masks, lathering hand sanitizer on packages thrown from unmarked Amazon trucks, terrified of an itty-bitty little virus that traveled from China via commercial airliners and cruise ships.

Who would have ever believed?

All the madness, trouble, is yet another reminder that inter-species relationships of a sensual nature are problematic and should be routinely avoided.

Just imagine if that sexually adventurous libertine in Wuhan had decided not to kiss a bat. Just imagine how much wealth would still be in your retirement account.

Well, it appears that the desire for “variety” is not exclusively ours as a massive two-plus ton Great White shark was just discovered off the coast of Japan choked to death by a sea turtle in what can only be described as a “troublingly kinky” exchange.

The dangers of erotic asphyxiation are well-known but all too often ignored and let us turn to the Orlando Sentinel, hometown paper of a profligate town, for yet another lesson.

Perhaps the great white shark bit off more than it could chew. It’s not known why a 4,500-pound great white died, but when it was found, there was a massive sea turtle stuck in its mouth.

A Facebook post from an account by the name of Greg Vella to the Commercial Salmon, Albacore and & Crab Fishers group showed images of the great white that Vella said was found dead tangled in some netting while fishing off the shores of Japan.

Greg Vella/Facebook
Greg Vella/Facebook

“I was out commercial ‘ken ken’ style fishing for tuna (Japan, Pacific Ocean side) when I heard chatter on the radio that there was a white shark swimming around with a big sea turtle in is mouth,” reads the post. “People started to joke about it, so I did not pay it any more attention. Then next day, it was found dead, near the bait receivers, tangled in some netting.”

The images show the shark laid out on the docks next to local boats, but do not identify how long the shark was. The sea turtle seems to be half digested.

Worrisome what the two could have been getting up to as “half digested” deviancy is something I have never personally encountered.

More as the story develops.


Vichy gendarme proudly poses with busted parallel fin riding VAL earlier this year. | Photo: @GendarmerieLandes

Report from COVID-shuttered Hossegor: Vichy Gendarmerie bring jackboot down on rogue VALS!

Police hard at work in south-west France…

Three weeks ago, BeachGrit’s Paul Evans reported exciting stories of subterfuge coming from the hissing beachbreaks of south-west France. 

Surfboards hidden under blackberry bushes, surfers being chased by unmarked cars, lineups patrolled by predatory carrion crows. 

It was, it seemed, as if the French Resistance had been reanimated in 2020 as it had under the grip of the Third Reich and its French collaborators in 1942. 

Today, via an old pal from Hossegor, we see the latest work of the Vichy Gendarmerie, who will hit you with a thousand-Euro fine ($U1100 or $A1800) for surfing and one hundred and thirty-five Euros for being more than a click from your house.

The Republic’s president, kinky Manny “My bodyguard is not my lover” Macron, a man who began dating his teacher, later his wife, when he was sixteen, says the lockdown is going to stick until May 11, almost four weeks hence.

The photos make for good viewing, I think. 

Here, a man who may not have the necessary chops to be riding a low-volume Pyzel although his fin cluster may be the next breakthrough following the Backwards Fin Revolution. 

Here, VG storm the beaches. 

And, here, drawing various invasion routes across Hossegor’s beaches.

Of course, while the government and its collaborators want you to stay locked in your room, terrified, watching television, I’m of the mind that sunshine and giving yourself to the abandonment of the waves are much more useful, to health and mind.

 


Kelly Slater: “I was told by authorities that I can’t stand and look at the ocean in Australia today!”

Common sense for uncommon times.

We, here at your BeachGrit, dutifully report on every stray thought 11x World Champion, musician, homeowner Kelly Slater has because it is our sworn duty as surf journalists. Because, also, he continues to be the most interesting character in our sphere. And, lastly, because his every stray thought form a complex teleology.

A form of philosophical art not seen since Marcel Duchamp.

Kelly is whimsical, quizzical, conspiratorial, well-considered in equal measure and sometimes even ventures into taut profundity.

Today, via his main stage, he declared:

I was told by the authorities that I ‘can’t stand and look at the ocean’ in Australia today. That’s a first.

Below we have officers guarding Trestles and making sure nobody surfs. Obviously, this type of thing assures that everyone will crowd anywhere else you are allowed to surf/exercise at (and drive a few people crazy).

To ask a rhetorical question, how is this helping? If social distancing works, couldn’t these officers help monitor and make sure everyone just remains aware of it?

Weird times my friends.

Weird indeed and, not to nitpick here, but Kelly’s rhetorical question should be asked non-rhetorically to the authorities and various Coronavirus Gestapo collaborators.

How is this helping?

And, when it is all said and done, will surfers be angry enough to stage a political reign of terror?

Australian, American, French, New Zealander politicians rhetorically guillotined?

More as the story develops.


Clue: Is World Surf League Chief Executive Erik Logan actually a computer-generated bot?

The plot thickens.

Ah, the start of another lockdown California day where traipsing through the daisies is forbidden, surfing is forbidden, eating pan-Asian cuisine outdoors is forbidden, touching the sandy beach is forbidden, sitting down at a table not personally owned is forbidden, owning a copy of The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism is forbidden, etc.

Shockingly surf journalism is not forbidden, not yet anyhow, and if/when the Coronavirus Clampdown comes to an end, this era will be known for stunning work in that proud field alongside the moment when mankind tumbled headlong into a worldwide police state.

Investigative pieces on how world champion Gabriel Medina keeps his hair silky and skin soft and a fascinating clue as to how World Surf League Chief Executive Officer Erik Logan first became interested in surfing’s marketability.

For it was on February 6, 2018 under a picture of surf hunk Jay Alvarez that Logan wrote, “Wow, I love this!” then included a surfer emoji and a wave emoji.

Well, four months prior under a picture of a shuttered lifeguard tower in San Clemente, Logan wrote, “Wow, this is awesome!” then included the same surfer and wave emoji.

The owner of the account, Mike Fusco @supfusco alerted me to this new clue and the plot certainly thickens.

Fusco replied, “Very strange indeed. I do not know, nor have I ever met him. I considered that maybe I have the sex appeal of a hunky, tan, Wavestorm-gripping 20 something and concluded yes – but he has no way of know that that based on my Instagram. I mean, it’s a nice photo of a beach in San Clemente that I took myself, but is it really ‘awesome?’ No.”

Thickens all the way to a rich panang curry and could it be possible that Erik Logan is, in fact, a computer-generated bot?

The simple phrasing “Wow, I love this!” “Wow, this is awesome!” and the same emojis suggest very likely and it would also answer many questions.

When reached for comment, Logan said, “We know we’re coming out at some point in time. What does it look like at a point in time in the future? Let’s talk about there and start working backwards. By doing that you’re able to have very productive conversations with everybody because, to a person, everybody acknowledges this is temporary. Nobody knows how temporary, but in terms of navigating the temporariness of where we are, you’re able to sit back and take a long-term view.”

More as the story develops.


Turn your bathtub into a realistic blood-bath!

Say goodbye to COVID-19 depression: Get the thrill of a catastrophic Great White shark attack in the safety of own bath tub!

Lots of fun scaring your friends!

You gotta laugh, am I right? 

Cops patrolling the streets, the beaches, the parks; the World Health Organisation in the pockets of the architects of a virus that’s doin’ what no war or fascist dictator ever could, bringing the capitalistic west to its knees.

Food lines, empty shelves, an unemployment tsunami coming that’s worse than the Great Depression at its peak.

But let’s not cut too deep.

Smile a little.

Here, for rowdy fun, is the BeachGrit Great White Shark Bath Bomb.

You’ll have lots of fun scaring your friends and loved ones when you pop this in your tub and the water runs a bloody red.

Results may differ from photo.

The size of an oddly shaped baseball, roughly two-and-a-half inches high, and, inexplicably, painted green and without eyeballs, the BeachGrit Great White Shark Bath Bomb is handmade in Atlanta, Georgia, and numbers are strictly limited.

Cuter, even, than formal wear for chubby children.

Buy here.