Polemic: The case against good surfers who
choose to ride soft topped boards!
By frank
Charlatans!
Good surfer soft-toppers. You know who they
are, we all see them out on pretty decent days with their floaty,
flaccid finned barges. I have a little theory on their behavior.
I’ve thought a lot about it, and here I’ll call them out.
See if you all think I’m right or wrong on this:
Hey, good surfer soft-topper? You my friend, are a bit of a
charlatan.
So, it’s a pretty decent waist to shoulder high day. And you’re
a “good surfer”. You could be anywhere in age from teen to 50, in
pretty good shape, you generally ride a short pointy nose thruster,
and you get your fair share of waves.
Or at least that is what you feel you do.
And, you have done so since, like forever. You can hit the lip.
are confident of your place in the lineup, and yes, even kinda
rip.
But, yet, there you are my friend… on your Wavestorm™.
You say: “Hey man, I’m just foolin’ around out here, and, it’s
super fun!”
But what I hear is the selfish pursuit of your wave-count.
Then you say: “Yeah, it’s kinda crowded out there, someone could
get hurt, and these softies are soooo safe!”
But what I hear is your single minded entitlement to be on the
one and only good wave of the day.
Look, we all see it, you are riding these things as great big
trick on the whole system. Everyone is supposed to go along with it
too, as you scoop up all the crumbs on the inside, then zoom out
the back and snag set a wave all the while laughing, smiling,
spreading your “good vibes” from your big blobby railed
made-in-third-world-sweat-shop-mass-produced-piece-of-junk.
And when your sesh is done, you smugly walk away, as if you just
shoplifted a Snickers and are so dang proud of yourself for being
the rebellious “you”.
Well, like I said, we see right through it.
You know yourself you should be riding something else. With
rails. With rocker, and a shape, something that’s got an actual
design to it. And maybe a decent color for cripes sake.
In short, a surfboard that looks and feels good.
You make your excuses, but when you say “Yeah man, this
StormBoinker, it’s got, like, fin boxes for real fins!”, what I
hear instead is the hollowness of your lie.
Calling this out is just part of the equation, so here’s the
advice:
If one were to be empathetic, and try and educate, one would try
and make you see and feel how much more fun, real fun, you’d have
on an actual surfboard. With volume. No one should begrudge you the
right to ride a little bit bigger stick. Get an egg or something.
You will love it and more importantly you’ll probably look good on
it.
And lookin’ good? That’s feeling’ good.
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Coleborn, one of the few redheads to cut
through the surf industry's inherent, systemic and often brutal
racism, retired at thirty-three. Kai Neville
Obituary: Star of Kai Neville era-defining
movies Mitch Coleborn splits with Volcom after two decades!
By Derek Rielly
Coleborn, one of the few redheads to cut through
the surf industry's inherent, systemic and often brutal racism,
retired at thirty-three.
Australian surfer Mitch Coleborn, a staple of Kai
Neville’s era-defining films from 2009’s Modern Collective
to Cluster in 2015, and whose frontside fin-throws became
a staple of every teen, has split from his sponsor of
twenty years, Juicy Couture aka
Volcom.
In a plantive note to his fifty-one thousand followers,
Coleborn, who turned thirty-three in January, and who was barely
fourteen when his preternatural talent was discovered by the flying
vee, wrote,
Happiest 14 year old kid in the world turned into 20 years
of nothing but good times. Forever grateful for all the support and
friendships made. Much love, Mitch
https://www.instagram.com/p/CBhedgIDJer/
Coleborn’s ten-year career on the world qualifying series, 2011
to the abbreviated season of 2020, yielded no wins but three
seconds, two thirds and a fifth. His highest rating was in 2015
when he finished twenty-sixth.
Early-ish days in development of shark-proof
wetsuit material. Flinders University
Breakthrough: Great White-proof wetsuit
“one step closer to reality!” Human trials to begin soon!
By Derek Rielly
"The incidence of shark bites in Australia has
increased from 1–3 per year in the 1980s to more than 10 per year
in the 2010s."
It’s gotten real tense, I guess you could say, around
those great surf utopias Byron Bay, Santa Cruz and
Margaret River.
Getting hit by a Great White shark, a species protected in
Australia since 1999 and California since 1994, has moved from the
abstract to the very real.
A pal called a couple of days back and said the site of
breaching Whites had become almost as common as the whales that
pass the coast every June.
So far, solutions have danced around three poles: the proven, if
brutal, efficiency of nets, surveillance by drone and tagged sharks
linked to social media; and various trinkets calling ‘emselves
shark deterrents.
The first works, but society don’t have the stomach for seeing
photos of sharks being winched, dead or dying, to the
surface.
Surveillance is patchy. It works when the water’s clear and a
drone is in the air and if the entire population of Great Whites
has been tagged.
Shark deterrents? No.
A new angle works on the premise that as hits on surfers have
become the new reality and since there’s only going to be more
Great Whites, how about we minimise the impact of a shark bite.
The NSW Department of Primary Industries has tossed ninety-gees
to researchers at Flinders University in Adelaide toward the
development of a Great White-proof wetsuit.
Kevlar was the first choice, and it works, but while it might be
ok under your combat uniform it ain’t much fun as a wetsuit.
Instead, the researchers are testing two types of
protective fabrics that incorporate ultra-high molecular weight
polyethylene fibres (UHMWPE)
“We tested the fabric on White sharks because it is the species
responsible for the most fatalities from shark bites,”
says Associate Professor
Charlie Huveneers, co-author a paper that reminds
surfers, “Although the risk of being bitten by a shark
is intrinsically low, the occurrence of shark bites has increased
globally in the last 30 years. For example, the incidence of shark
bites in Australia has increased from 1–3 per year in the 1980s to
more than 10 per year in the 2010s.”
The results from the test have been fairly encouraging.
It ain’t gonna stop the jaws but it might limit the damage.
Human trials to begin soon.
Volunteers wanted.
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Wild as hell: Kelly Slater’s outrageously
narrow, parallel-rail seven-six big-wave gun! “It takes guts to
make a mad board!”
By Derek Rielly
World champ puts truism that best surfers can ride
even a plank of wood to the test…
A few years back, there was a shot circulating of Kelly
Slater at Duranbah. He was two-thirds of the way though
the sorta cutback one might’ve previously thought impossible, rail
buried through the nose, trail left an almost complete
circle.
(Couldn’t find that shot, but how about these frame grabs on the
same board.)
More curve, tighter turns. These sorta vert
approaches to the lip are very old school but ever so appealing to
examine.Slater’s trademark carving three-sixty. A little
tighter, looser on the Webber.
The board was a Greg Webber shaped surfboard he calls Electra
and, lately, Webber and Slater have taken to applying the same
principles to
bigger waves.
“He had the idea that is a design that could allow him to do
proper turns in big waves and his guess was the amount of grip the
design has could correspond nicely to face turns in big waves,”
says Greg, who is fiddling with various things at a surfboard
factory on the Gold Coast when I call.
“But instead of altering it to such a degree that it only had a
hint of the Electra, mainly a giant gun with a stinger in it, I
used the exact file and…stretched…it.”
Note.
I’ve just seen the photos of the board on Facebook; Greg ain’t
calling me.
He knows the reaction he’s gonna get.
“In forums you always one or two who say he could ride a door. I
adore that one because it’s pure idiocy. What appears to be a
truism, that the best can ride anything is misleading because they
can make a board that isn’t feeling great look like it’s still
ok.”
Anyway,
The dimensions of the gun are a wild 7’6” x 17 7/8” x 2 9/16”,
coming in at a little under thirty-five litres.
When Slater saw the board he told Webber it was too narrow. Said
it was “stupid” and that he was going to give it to Shane Dorian’s
thirteen-year-old son Jackson.
“He’s right, of course,” says Webber, who was playing a game
where he experiments with zero curve in the planshape and “lots” of
rocker, to see what effect the outline curve has on
turns.
But if he didn’t go outrageously narrow, and started at
nineteen-inches wide, how would he know the parameters?
Let me interject.
You can make a board loose, or easy to turn, a few ways. Little
fins. Curvy outline. Ton of rocker.
Same with speed. Straight outline. Low rocker.
Sorta same result but they all feel different.
And Webber wanted to take the outline out of the equation.
He also wanted to prove deep concaves, a matter close to his
heart, in big waves.
“It’s not what you want in big waves. You want to shed speed,
grip not lift. So it’s then narrowness that I wanted to test.
Shortboard style lift in a gun that’s narrow. I wanted to see what
that mix would do.”
Webber laughs.
“It takes guts to make a mad board. And it’s meaningless unless
someone is testing it at the highest level in decent size.”
How did it go? Slater was all over a once-in-a-decade swell that
lit up the east coast of Australia.
“He said there’s two really good things. The lack of plan shape
made it hard to turn but the ability to get grip mid-face was
great. You’ll get to turn with that parallel planshape like a
snowboard.”
Webber describes his relationship with Slater as “funny” and
says, “It’s amusing for both of us. He gets pissed off at me but
he’s also, ok, ‘I kinda get you.’”
And, before you ask, Webber says there’s no point in him taking
about his pools.
“I’ve crapped on for so many years, most of my shareholders
don’t want to hear another word out of my mouth.”
He says the majority owners of his company made a decision to
never build a proof-of-concept pool “on some farmland out in the
middle of nowhere. They want to do everything in the one go and
it’s taking a lot longer.”
Three hundred metre rides, pretty buildings
surrounding the tank.
“The land go repurposed for an off-ramp for a highway. That had
been in the paperwork for twenty years and I guess they thought
it’d never happen. God knows how you could get a DA through.”
Another sigh.
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At Waco, we can get five sessions for $449 on the
advanced wave, which I feel like is totally our speed.
Leaked emails: Surfline Man goes on a Surf
Trip (Part One)!
By Jen See
I can’t think of a better cure for the Corona Blues
than a surf trip with my best bros. Perfect waves, cold brews, hot
girls. Livin’ the dream, man!
When we last metSurfline
Man, he was meticulously feeding his sourdough
starter during the Quar Times.
But Corona is so over.
What could our forecast-loving surf hero be up to now?
What else, but a surf trip.
Follow along as Surfline Man
gathers his crew for a fabulous trip to remember.
I hope you are holding up okay! This whole Corona thing has
been such a huge bummer. I can’t believe they actually closed the
beaches for like a whole month.
Fortunately, you could still score if you knew where to go.
I defnitely got in some solid sessions, no one around, waves for
miles. I hope you bros got some!!
Anyway, I feel like we all totally need a stress release and
I can’t think of a better cure for the Corona Blues than a surf
trip with my best bros. Perfect waves, cold brews, hot girls.
Livin’ the dream, man!
I’ve heard such great things about Nicaragua. Like, so many
good set-ups down there. And cheap! This is the perfect time of
year to hit that zone. Shack-o-rama!
I don’t know, maybe flying is still too sketchy right now? I
mean, I’m down if you are.
But we could just like, keep it local. Maybe hit the wave
pool down in Texas?
All the pros are going there and even the chicks are landing
some sweet airs! Bet we could all hit an air reverse with just a
few hours of practice.
Check out this video with Taj,
Looks pretty easy, really.
At Waco, we can get five sessions for $449 on the advanced
wave, which I feel like is totally our speed.
Okay, let’s get some dates. Plan on like two days of
driving, plus five awesome days of surfing. What’s good for
everyone? I can go any time, except the week of the 21st.
Oh also, Kyle, you need to reconfigure your email. Gotta get
rid of that “Re” in the subject line, it’s totally breaking the
thread. Message me direct, and I’ll show you how!
oh hey man so good to hear from you, been super busy lately.
out smashing fascism and all that. don’t think i can swing a surf
trip, no cash!
hey a group of us are getting together to make signs for the
next protest. this afternoon like three to whenever on the grass at
swamis. come on by if you want. drum circle later too.
also if you have some spare cash here’s a bail fund to
support losangelesfreedomfund.org!
BLACK LIVES MATTER Surfers for Justice Donate: LA Freedom Fund NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE Coexist
