"Tourists splattered with blood..."

Shark experts and enthusiasts will recall, pre-Covid-19, when it was reported here that an “apocalyptic mass human extinction event” was amassing off New Zealand’s once-bucolic shore in the form of “thousands of Great Whites.”

Well, the beasts have arrived in even greater numbers than the nightmare scenario and in greater sizes too.

But maybe you’ve heard of the “Taranaki Terror,” what has been described by eyewitnesses as a 20 foot Great White Shark that swims as fast as a bullet and eats seals in front of sheet-white tourists, covering them in red, red blood.

The Terror has been cruising for three-weeks, though some don’t believe, calling it a “complete load of bloody hype.”

I stand with the surfers, however, who have seen it leaping into the air and the bounty hunters who are out trying to catch it, as it’s jaw is worth a reported $30,000.

Another massive Great White was recently tangled in a New Zealand fishing net and perished. It was not the Taranaki Terror and its jaw was donated to science.

Where will your jaw go when you finally expire?

I hope mine is used as a weapon to strike down the next 1000 CEOs of organized professional surfing.

Lift your voice!

On July 3rd, while standing in front of South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore, President Donald J. Trump unveiled his administration’s plan to build a National Garden of American Heroes which will be “a vast outdoor park that will feature the statues of the greatest Americans to ever live.”

“A very fine idea…” I thought and quickly went searching for the Executive Order, scrolled to the list of those to be included in the National Garden of American Heroes…

The National Garden should be composed of statues, including statues of John Adams, Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Daniel Boone, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, Henry Clay, Davy Crockett, Frederick Douglass, Amelia Earhart, Benjamin Franklin, Billy Graham, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Douglas MacArthur, Dolley Madison, James Madison, Christa McAuliffe, Audie Murphy, George S. Patton, Jr., Ronald Reagan, Jackie Robinson, Betsy Ross, Antonin Scalia, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Harriet Tubman, Booker T. Washington, George Washington, and Orville and Wilbur Wright.

…and became intensely sad.

No 11 x World Champion, greatest surfer to ever live, from Cocoa Beach but now Lemoore Kelly Slater?

Impossible so I read again and became violently sad.

But then, a spark of inspiration struck me right between the eyes.

It is incumbent upon us, American surfers (Australians, South Africans, Brazilians, British too if you all feel inclined), to have Kelly Slater’s statue included.

How?

I think we start by contacting Florida’s Republican Governor Ron DeSantis (here) or simply [email protected]

You can use my email to him, below, or create your own.

Dear Governor DeSantis,

As you are certainly aware, President Trump recently announced a National Garden of American Heroes which is a fine idea but, sadly, the list of American Heroes to be included in the park has one glaring hole.

Florida’s own Kelly Slater.

The 11x World Champion is also inarguably the greatest surfer to ever live. His exploits in the water are only matched by his passion for the environment on land, where he builds large, beautiful wave pools. 

Kelly Slater is a model citizen, donating his time to many causes near to his heart, namely helping provide guidance and correct thought to those who believe the earth is flat via Instagram.

The inclusion of a Kelly Slater statue in the National Garden of American Heroes will be a wonderful day for both Florida and the United States of America, a land that is lucky to call him a son.

Thank you for your consideration.

Chas Smith

(But if you copy mine don’t put Chas Smith. Put Shane Beschen.)