Listen: Longtom on electro-shock treatment for Great Whites; Chas Smith continues his outspoken advocacy for kicking dogs. “You see a good thick dog, kick it in the ribs. It feels so good! The dog likes it, you like it. Everyone wins!”

Dirty Water, episode twenty-one, reveals those deep warm truths that can't be hidden even by the oddball antics of Chas Smith…

Incredible, yes, but this podcast falls even deeper than usual into a quagmire of professional jealousy (Charlie Smith on Nick Carroll, “He’s a baby of a man, he’s honestly two feet tall…”) and brings stupidity to such a height (Chas Smith on the extermination of Great White and bull sharks), the listener may switch off for good.

But, do stay.

For many deep truths are ultimately revealed, including the concept of tonic immobility, where a man-eating shark can be made helpless by placing hands on the snout; why you should never raise the spinnaker on a seventy-foot yacht en route to Mexico from San Diego while children are wandering the decks untethered and Shane Dorian shows his former master Kelly Slater how to respond to trolls.

The episode, which is number twenty-one, concludes with a discussion on the Torah/Talmud, Lutheran and Presbyterian architecture and why Longtom would fear death by White far less if only he let Jesus Christ dance on the marble tabletop of his heart.

“I don’t know why anyone ever dodges this punch! Take the punch full on. Go to heaven,” says Chas. “It’s Occam’s Razor. If I’m wrong we’re all in hell anyway and we’ll giggle and burn. If I’m right, we’re in heaven.”


Hero Johnny McGee (pictured) holding his three World Championship Tour surfing trophies.
Hero Johnny McGee (pictured) holding his three World Championship Tour surfing trophies.

Medal of Honor: Heroic surfing champion saves two women from drowning after their “troublesome selfie session” takes deadly turn!

Relax, relax, relax.

To criticize selfie culture is, at his point in time, hollow and silly. Dumb. The selfie is as ubiquitous now as brushing one’s teeth. As bidet-ing one’s bottom. There is no associated shame with snapping a selfie in front of a Black Lives Matter protest, of snapping a selfie on a golden Buddha, of having your male pal snap a selfie of you in the shower…

https://www.instagram.com/p/CC_KbT-Fcob/

…of snapping selfies on a jetty whilst hurricane waves lash its rocks and that is precisely where we lay our scene, near Houston. For there two girls stood and snapped but something went horribly wrong and they fell into the ocean and began to drown.

Thankfully, surfing champion Johnny McGee, 67, was in the water.

Without missing a beat, he paddled over to the girls and had them hold onto his legs then paddled them all the way to shore.

A hero?

Without doubt.

McGee told the local radio station, “I guess I was meant to be there because there was nobody else out there. Surfers know through experience, [if] you go underwater [you should] relax, relax, relax. Don’t fight it or you’re going to end up using your energy and your air.”

Fine advice.

It is unknown if McGee later told them girls that they were “on glue” before blocking them on social media.

More as the story develops.


Proven: “Sharks hate people and want to eat all of us even if people are minding our own business whilst not surfing!”

If the Covid don't get ya....

The most common defense of indefensible shark-eating-humans behavior is that we are in their world, i.e. the ocean, and deserve whatever amputation befalls us.

Well, as it turns out sharks, and particularly the man-eating Great White, is simply a murderous bastard.

Proof?

Tasmania where a 10-foot Great White recently jumped out of the water, snagged a 10-year-old boy off the back of a boat and….

To be honest I don’t even know. Eat him? Maybe. Sell him on the black market? Possibly. The evil that lurks within the mind of a Great White is something only Jeffrey Epstein can comprehend.

Further proof?

A father and his son were recently fishing off Tasmania and a cursed Great White attempted to sink their boat.

Per the father,”All of a sudden, we just had this mighty thump on the side of the boat, water flying through the air. In a bit of shock, I’ve looked up towards the front of the boat and there I can see a massive big, great white shark has come out of the water and opened its mouth and latched on to the front of boat where the anchor is. The shark’s let go, gone under the boat, hit the back of the boat and then done a massive tail flip right next to the back of the boat.”

He, smartly, raced back to port before his son was sold on the black market but come on hippies (not Hippy). Can you not admit that you are basically Ghislaine Maxwell when defending this behavior?

These people were not even in the water, for pity’s sake. They were each floating on boats whilst minding their very own business. Whilst enjoying the sun and not surfing.

Care to parry, Ghislaine Maxwell?

Let me have it.


Photo by the greatest to ever do it. Steve Sherman.
Photo by the greatest to ever do it. Steve Sherman.

Listen: “Greatest surfer ever Kelly Slater is so epically, beautifully, poetically tone deaf that he makes our grandparents seem woke!”

Brazil nuts!

I woke up early this morning and thought, “Time to drive up to San Clemente, sit across a fine coffee table from David Lee Scales and talk.” Then I thought, “I have talked a lot this week.” After that I thought, “I am the Ryan Seacrest of surf.”

A relatively distasteful figure who is, nonetheless, everywhere.

All the time.

Even though not one person has ever uttered the phrase, “You know what I need right now? Some Ryan Seacrest.”

In any case, after drinking a French pressed pot of French roasted coffee, I drove up to San Clemente and sat across a fine coffee table from David Lee Scales and talked.

About what?

You already know.

Kelly Slater.

First, can I please offer my deep, deep thanks to all of you for the comment thread underneath Derek Rielly’s pinnacle work of art Kelly Slater Hits Back at Historically Inaccurate Troll on Instagram:I Don’t Give a Shi*t… You’re on Glue. You’re a Miserable Coward… Accusing me of Being a Racist? My Girlfriend is Chinese… F*ck Off.

The best piece that has ever appeared here, or anywhere for that matter, and you… all of you brought your absolute A games into the comments.

I laughed. I laughed until I cried. Then I laughed some more, fell asleep and drove up to San Clemente, sat across a fine coffee table from David Lee Scales and talked about Kelly Slater and about you.

Oh and the WSL being laughably wrong about everything. And how Ken “Skindog” Collins is the Consciousness of our Community.

And how Surf Ranch is unwatchable and dumb.

Ryan Seacrest 4 Eva!


The aftermath of a White hit on a JS Air 17.

Australia’s Great White shark crisis: “Freakishly big” Great White hits surfer near Margaret River; “it came out of the water and inhaled his board”

Extent of injuries unknown.

A surfer in his twenties has been hit by a “fifteen-foot” Great White shark at Bunker Bay, an awesomely pretty crescent of white sand and green water almost at the tip of  Cape Naturaliste, a little north of Margaret River.

Phil Mummert, twenty-eight, was surfing The Farm, a wave protected from today’s south-west onshore. He was bitten on the right thigh, helped by a longboarder to the beach and stabilised at a nearby house before being choppered to Bunbury hospital.

A local surfer on the scene said, “the White came out the water and inhaled the board pretty much. The guy managed to roll out of the way and then a longboarder got him to the  beach.”

Mummert’s girl, Mish Wright, posted an update, with photos,  on Facebook.

“Just want to let everyone know that Phil is doing okay! He was bitten by a shark at Bunker Bay this afternoon and got a few chunks taken out of his leg. I honestly don’t know how a person can see a total stranger getting attacked by a 4m great white shark and swim towards to save him so we are beyond grateful to everyone that helped save Phil’s life. So lucky that Phil got away with his life and limbs and beyond lucky that we live in such a kind and caring community. So thankful for everyone who carried him to shore and for the ones that held his leg together for half an hour while waiting for the ambulance. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts — thank you, thank you, thank you. We’ve been flown to the hospital and just waiting for him to get stitched up. Phil’s doing great and singing [baby] shark do do do do do do.”

Nine years ago, bodyboarder Kyle Burden, twenty-one, was bitten in half at a nearby beach called Boneyards by a Great White witnesses say was six metres long or twenty feet. 

Both waves, Bonyards and The Farm, are right there on Cape Naturaliste, a fist of geography that juts out on the western edge of Geographe Bay, home to a thriving New Zealand fur seal colony. 

Plenty of White around the Cape?

Yeah, there is.

Plenty of ’em circling the rest of Australia, too.

Today’s attack is the third hit on surfers by Great Whites in two months.

Three weeks ago, fifteen-year-old Mani Hart-Deville was killed by a White at Wilsons Headland, just north of Coffs Harbour; the previous month saw sixty-year-old surfer Rob Pedretti killed by a White near the Surfing Australia High Performance Camp at Casuarina, just south of the Gold Coast.

Two weeks ago, a ten-year-old by was snatched off the deck of his daddy’s fishing boat by a twelve-foot White on Tasmania’s north-west coast.

More on the latest hit as it comes.

(And read about the ethics of executing Great Whites, here.)