Boss Move: 80-year-old man who went missing on hike surprises family, loved ones, by crashing press conference set up to mourn his demise!

No surfer has ever been so cool.

Many years ago when VAL website and perpetrator of after-the-fact wokeness The Inertia pivoted from “surf” to “outdoors” I felt it was a very silly move. What good are the outdoors that don’t directly relate to the surfing and/or snowboarding?

Camping is a hassle, ziplining is whatever, birdwatching is a snooze and hiking… well hiking is just about the worst thing a man can do with his time.

And look at the egg on my face.

Days ago, an 80-year-old hiker pulled a better move than any surfer ever by crashing the press conference set up to mourn his loss and appeal for people to go out and search for his, likely, lifeless body.

Harry Harvey, a very strong name in and of itself, had gone hiking on Sunday in northern England but became separated from his hiking partner when a vicious hailstorm hit. Police and the Royal Air Force spent four days combing the region, coming up empty.

The family scheduled a press conference but, little did they know, a wildlife photographer had found Harvey peacefully camping by his lonesome and drug him back to civilization, surprising all those in attendance.

Many hugs etc.

Harvey described his adventure thusly, “I had three really good wild camping nights where I was on my own and had all the kit I needed. The only thing I was getting a bit short of… I’ve got a hell of an appetite… and when I get hungry I’ve got to get something to eat or I can’t go on.”

When asked if he was happy to turn the mourning into dancing, he responded, “If I’d have known, I wouldn’t have come back. I could do without all of this.”

His daughter-in-law added, “He’s had a blast, we’ve had a nightmare.”

No surfer has either done, or responded, cooler.

I shall now take up hiking.

The shark tooth found in Nick Slater's Morning of the Earth, triple-stringer twin. ID'd as twelve-foot White. | Photo: Queensland Fisheries

Killer shark in Superbank attack identified as twelve-foot Great White

A surprise to nobody…

When the sirens start and the surfer’s body is dragged onto the sand on Australia’s north-east coast, Rob at Kingscliff, Mani at Wooli, Nick at Greenmount, it don’t take a marine biologist to know the hit is by a White. 

(RIP Rob Pedretti, RIP Mani Hart-Deville, RIP Nick Slater.)

And the survivors, Phil at Bunker Bay (“Freakishly big Great White”), Chantelle at Port Macquarie (“The scream was everywhere, there was splashing everywhere”), they know ‘cause they’ve seen the White, they’ve felt it drive its teeth into limbs hanging underwater. 

Three months, five hits by Great Whites on surfers, three, fatal. 

Whites. Protected since 1999. 

Sightings. Bumps. Fatals. 

More encounters. More risk.

An artificial reef at Palm Beach, ten minutes drive north of the Superbank, has become home to at least one White. 

Great White at Palm Beach.

Yesterday afternoon’s fatal attack on Burleigh Heads real estate agent Nick Slater, at drum-line protected Superbank is part of a stretch of coastline that hasn’t had one fatal shark attack since the nets and the drum-lines were introduced in 1962. 

Forster to Byron, yeah, Great Whites, no nets.

Pick a time, pray to your god. 

But the Gold Coast? 

Earlier today, Queensland Fisheries identified the killer shark in the Superbank attack as a 3.5 metre Great White, a twelve-foot bus.

A bad sign.

Leo Decap shows how it's done in The Beach: unsheathe blade, drive deep into attacking shark's vulnerable parts.

Australia’s Great White Crisis: Company markets “last line of defence” spike for surfers to “fend and fight off these apex predators!”

"We wish we could always live in harmony with them, but when we venture into the ocean, they are the top predator."

Call it the new normal, I suppose, although a better expression might be, prepare to die in the mouth of a ten-foot Great White ‘cause there ain’t the political will or the stomach to start killin’ Whites.

Along with Jon Cohen’s shark bite kits featuring SWAT tourniquets that can be stuffed in wetsuits and Ukranian-made, war-proven crank handle tourniquets kept in cars and in lifeguard towers, a Gold Coast-based surfer is marketing a stainless steel spike you keep in your wetty and, when attacked, you pull out of sheath and stab hell out of beast.

The Biteback, which sells for forty-five Australian dollars, is made from 316 stainless steel, (the second best in the game, use 304 if you wanna the best), has a plastic handle (recycled ocean plastic) and is designed, says its inventor, not to kill but to give the attacking shark second thoughts.

According to marketing literature attached to the device,

“We love and respect these gods and have a long history with them. We wish we could always live in harmony with them, but when we venture into the ocean, they are the top predator. Humans have no natural defense, except for our brains. Research has shown that sometimes, all it takes is a sharp bump or poke around its face to dissuade it of further interaction…

“Finding yourself in the company of a hungry or curious shark is not a good feeling, seeing as we have no natural defense.
We do have brains however and research has shown that the eyes, gills and electroreceptors concentrated around a shark’s snout (Ampullae of Lorenzini) are their most sensitive parts. Therefore we’ve designed and developed The Biteback to help fend and fight off these apex predators and increase your odds of survival in an ‘investigation’ or attack.”

You got the wherewithal to drive that shiny 316 blade into the White’s beak?

Examine, buy here. 

Watch: Brazen women tests positive for Covid-19 in Spain then goes surfing; arrested on beach for “serious disobedience and crimes against public health!”

Super shredder!

There’s brazen and then there’s brazen. Like, brazen would be paddling out straight to the peak around other locals waiting their turn, swinging on the first wave and snaking whoever was in position. Brazen is testing positive for Covid-19 then going surfing in a full jacket, skimpy bottom combination in northern Spain on a very sunny day weekend day.

But Basque Country is where we lay our scene, where men in full hazmat suits scampered to and fro trying to catch a brazen woman who had not followed protocols, as it were.

The offender was a local lifeguard at La Concha beach, Spanish media reports, and had earlier tested positive for the unfortunate Coronavirus and was supposed to quarantine per the norm. Instead, she decided to quarantine in the big blue Atlantic and surf the sorrow away.

The police were tipped off by the woman’s lifeguard colleagues who knew she was attempting to super shred and they first tried to get her to come in by warning her via boat. When she refused, hazmat suits were donned and they waited for her on the beach where she tried to flee.

In the end, she was arrested and shackled. Busted for “serious disobedience and crimes against public health.”

Serious disobedience sounds like something my young daughter does when I expressly tell her not to watch any more tik-tok, leave the room, come back in five-minutes later and she’s watching tik-tok.

Serious disobedience met with a stern rebuke plus no more phone for the day and a lecture on how the Chinese government is using the social media app to kill brain cells.

What do you imagine the brazen woman’s punishment was?

No more phone for the week?

Something worse?

More as the story develops.

Coastalwatch vision of the surfer being dragged to shore. | Photo: Coastalwatch

Graphic Video: Surfer killed by suspected Great White at Queensland’s SuperBank; third surfer to die by shark attack in three months.

A witness described the injury as from “the groin area down to just below his knee… it was pretty much all taken. It was pretty much all hanging there by not much.”

In a now familiar piece of theatre that’s been playing out along a few hundred clicks of Australia’s east coast, a surfer has been killed by a suspected Great White shark, the third fatality by Great White in three months. 

The man was found face down in the water by another surfer just before sunset at Greenmount Beach, the final jigsaw piece in the SuperBank puzzle. 

The man was brought to shore, lifeguards staunched the wound, hit the CPR buttons. The man, who was forty-six, died at the scene. 

The dead man’s Morning of the Earth, three-stringer twin.

It’s the first fatal attack on the Gold Coast since a 1958 hit in Surfers Paradise and the first fatal attack, ever, since shark nets were introduced to the Gold Coast almost sixty years ago.

One man who helped drag the man to the beach said he was “pretty much gone” by the time they got him to a stretcher.

The witness described the injury as from “the groin area down to just below his knee… it was pretty much all taken. It was pretty much all hanging there by not much.”