Kelly Slater and Betet Merta, Padang, September, 2020. | Photo: WSL/Junior Garcia

Kelly Slater opens Instagram front against fan critical of his Bali vacay during COVID pandemic: “Please tell me about the spread I’ve caused. Keep drinking the Kool-Aid…”

Derek Rielly

By

"Got anything else to whine about?"

Instagram, as if it needs to be said, is the devil that never sleeps, a wicked goblin that awaits the misspoken word or misstep that will awaken its legion of offence seeking trolls.

Kelly Slater, eleven times a world champion and a man of almost immeasurable wealth, has made a point, in recent times, of going after all those he feels may’ve wronged or misrespresented he.

See,

Kelly Slater hits back at historically inaccurate troll on Instagram: “I don’t give a shit…you’re on glue. You’re a miserable coward…Accusing me of being a racist? My girlfriend is Chinese… Fuck off.”

And,

World surfing champion Kelly Slater opines on noted LA shaper-artist, “Must be great to be in your mid-late 60’s, on drugs, sexually confused and dying for any kind of attention.”

Today, we find Kelly defending his decision to vacay in Bali, a holiday that has already yielded a double-tube ride with Betet Merta and a backside carving 360 at Padang as well as a lovely head-high session at Uluwatu.

@deathsalt, 924 followers, writes,

@kellyslater how many countries have you travelled to whilst covid is going on?

Kelly replies, Technically one. I was in Australia when it happened then went home and am now on my first trip abroad. Got anything else to whine about?

And, then, the expected, but no less effective, coup de grâce,

Well, let’s see… I was already somewhere by default. Then I went home which everyone was requested to do. Then anyone who can pay for a visa can go to indo. I’ve had 4 tests done in that time all negative. Please tell me about the spread I’ve caused. Keep drinking the kool aid though.

The Kool-Aid reference, for those who missed the Jonestown massacre in 1978, refers to the poisoned Kool-Aid (actually Flavor Aid, a cheaper copy) followers of Jim Jones’ apocalyptic cult willingly, and unwillingly, drank as part of their “revolutionary suicide”.

Nine hundred dead, three hundred of ’em kids, too.

To drink the Kool-Aid means blind obedience.

Which, I think, gives this story its meat, so to speak.

Does Kelly think that COVID worriers, which @deathsalt appears to be, have been hoodwinked by their governments?

A conspiracy etc?

As for getting into Indo, it ain’t no secret.

Cough up the cash and you’re in for two months.

(Read that here.)

Photo by Steve Sherman. An absolute icon and saint of surf photography.
Photo by Steve Sherman. An absolute icon and saint of surf photography.

Listen: “Who would actually win a professional surfing world title between peak emotional, physical, mental Andy Irons vs. peak Kelly Slater?”

Chas Smith

By

We solve this, we solve everything.

Pandemic still with us, wrecking, reeking, wreaking havoc. The western United States is burning entirely to the ground. Sharks are eating people where they have never eaten people before. World economies are teetering, China has become increasingly belligerent as its military modernizes, heretofore unknown space airplanes are delivering things into orbit that we know nothing about and Jeff Bezos is looking more and more like an alien who could very well live forever.

But, real talk here. Who would win a professional surfing world title between peak emotional, physical, mental Andy Irons vs. peak emotional, physical mental Kelly Slater?

I ask because Kelly Slater recently appeared on Tim Ferriss’s podcast and spoke about not being at his “best” during those years where he lost to Andy.

Stacking three Ss onto the end of your name (when the possessive is applied) is a real work, though I had never heard of Tim Ferriss before today’s wonderful chat with David Lee Scales.

David Lee, named after David Lee Roth, listened to Ferriss’s podcast and said he re-fell in love with Kelly Slater plus took Kelly’s excuses for failure as legitimate.

I’m still dubious.

But let’s be honest. All things equal, who wins between Andy and Kelly?

If we can solve this riddle we will be able to solve global warming.

David Lee and I discuss in depth and also many other things including World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s embarrassing failures and how he should apologize publicly to Justine Dupont for making dumb economic decisions and pretending they are legitimate and also everyone else who has ever touched a surfboard.

Shame on Erik Logan.

Listen here.

E-Foils become obsession of New York City investment fund managers, private chefs: “This is the coolest thing that I’m aware of!”

Chas Smith

By

But danger lurks!

What’s cooler than being cool? Ice cold, of course, and the same investment fund managers, private chefs, social media CEOs, who furiously danced to Outkast’s Hey Ya! in 2003 have discovered a new way to freeze.

E-foils.

And The New York Times just published a wonderfully inspiring piece titled “That Person Floating Over the East River Is Riding a $12,000 Water Toy” which profiles Mr. Brian Sheehy, an investment fund manager living in Manhattan’s Upper East Side who, two years ago, saw something crazy on the internet.

“Videos of people who looked like they were flying over the water on futuristic contraptions.”

According to the Times, he became obsessed, purchased two as soon as they became available and taught himself to “ride the source.”

On every hero’s journey, after the hero has heeded the “call to adventure” and “crossed the threshold,” there comes the “tests and enemies.” Mr. Sheehy’s enemy was his wife, who has been driven crazy because there is no place to store the two e-foils in the Upper East Side apartment and they take up a lot of space so go on the deck, but her rotten attitude does not derail.

Mr. Sheehy stuffs his e-foil into Ubers, takes them to the East River and lives and flies above the water on his own futuristic contraption. Dreaming of someday making it around the Statue of Liberty.

He is not alone. Adam Kenworthy, private chef who appeared on Real Housewives of New York City cruises one, and Ritchie Lambertson, who started an e-foil school in the Hamptons, though he himself lives in Brooklyn.

Dangers lurk.

The battery might die, our heroes may get hit by a boat, pollution, impending regulation.

“The fishermen told me how dangerous the river is,” Mr. Sheehy told the Times. “It’s a famous dumping ground for bodies because they just disappear.”

Instructor Lambertson, who charges $450 for a private session, does his best to mitigate by not allowing students to e-foil the river until they have mastered calmer water.

All very cool but are you sold on the e-foiling life? Would you watch the World E-Foil League religiously or just catch it as you could?

Also, would you rather e-foil or have a super tricked out radio control boat? Like, the fastest radio control boat on the whole eastern seaboard.

Difficult questions for difficult times.

Queen of surfing Ellie-Jean Coffey launches sexy subscriber-only website: “Nipple exxxposed, completely topless with my legs spread open”

Derek Rielly

By

Buy a ten-dollar a month subscription to examine noted goofyfooter from various angles…

Pro surfing ain’t what it used to be. Where rivers of gold once flowed, these mighty torrents have slowed to barely a trickle.

And, even with a million followers like van-life goofyfoter Ellie-Jean Coffey, who is twenty-five and living in a caravan of family travellers, the truth is a gal can’t eat likes.

Therefore, it may not be completely surprising that EJ has turned to a paid-subscriber model, offering “uncensored content, private chat and more.”

A bounty of forbidden treats.

Uncensored content includes, “Nipple exposed… completely topless with my legs spread open”, “Wish you were holding my hand while I sip this wine giving you an upskirt view with no panties”, “More upskirt action… no panties and my plump (peach emoji) fully exposed”, “Grabbing my boob with legs spread in lingerie.”

Private chat, I’m guessing, borders on the not-safe-for-work side of things.

Buy a ten-dollar a month subscription to examine EJ from various angles here. 

EJ, you may remember, caused much tabloid sorrow last year when she was the subject of a “lewd ambush” by the author of the best-selling biography of prime minister Bob Hawke. 

A terrible episode.

Enjoy the original interview that gave tabloid readers the vapours here.

Everyone mining tits for clicks, as they say.

Kelly Slater at the Econyl factory, where nylon is fashioned from fishing nets.

Kelly Slater’s ultra-sustainable clothing brand Outerknown sued in federal court over alleged “civil rights violations”!

Cedar Hobbs

By

According to the complaint, Outerknown “denies approximately 8.1 million Americans who have difficulty seeing access to its online store because the Website is largely incompatible with the screen reader programs.” 

Earlier this year, surfing’s most sustainable company, Outerknown, was sued in federal court over alleged civil rights violations. 

According to the complaint, Outerknown “denies approximately 8.1 million Americans who have difficulty seeing access to its online store because the Website is largely incompatible with the screen reader programs.”

The suit sought to compel Outerknown’s compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act. 

Plaintiffs found Outerknown’s website “largely unusable due to various barriers that deny them full and equal access to [Outerknown’s] online stores.” 

The suit was consolidated with almost twenty other suits arising out of the same issues. Other name defendants included Catch Surf and Taylor Stitch. 

Outerknown and the plaintiffs settled for an unknown amount earlier this year. 

According to its website, “Outerknown is [now] dedicated to continually ensuring that its website is always accessible to individuals with visual impairments and other disabilities.” 

Outerknown is no longer just a “manufacturer and supplier of sustainable products.” 

They’re also “committed to providing equal access to all who attempt to shop . . . through [the] website.”

If you’re blind, give ’em a call, if your hands can’t handle a mouse, everything is accessible via the keyboard.

And so on.

Read here. 

Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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