We're home.
When I was but a young surfer, alone, awkwardly plying the Pastime of Kings in Oregon’s freezing cold waters, I would become infuriated by classmates who wore Quiksilver, Billabonic, Gotcha to school and seethe to anyone who would listen that they were poseurs.
“Zach is a poseur. Doesn’t even surf.”
“Look at JJ. Such a poseur.”
“Hey, did you know that Shane is a poseur?”
Little did I know that being alone in the water and surrounded by people, on land, tossing their hard-earned money at the surf brands to simply look the part was the apex. Those brands would, in turn, sponsor surfers, sponsor contests, advertise in magazines, make VHS tapes etc. and everything shone.
Well, the surf industry apocalypse has been upon us for a while, now, but this morning I woke up realizing that it is over and that we have officially made it to the other side.
The long-promised, highly-anticipated, surf dystopia.
Competitive surfing for entertainment is a thing of the past as are the surf magazines. Instagram clips have replaced longer form video parts and even those have dipped in quality. Surf branded clothing, accessories, are a retro gag. Nobody poses anymore because everyone, literally everyone, is in the water surfing and the only way to make a dime is to produce plant-based coffee creamer to say nothing at all of Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch or SUP foils.
And look around. Take it in. Breathe deep.
We’re home.
Almost every tv commercial has some kooks with a board on their car, under their arm, in the room, etc. WTF.
Surprised the WSL hasn’t seized the moment and welcomed their dream demographic to surfing by holding a Storm only contest at the pool. Honestly, I’d watch. Get Tudor Storming! Come on, Knost on a Storm at the pool, could he still maintain his cool? Elo needs to pull some power moves on the last remaining pros, see who’s down to sell their soul. Seriously, the WSL needs to acquire Wavestorm for Chas’s dystopian world view to be complete.
A decade before the US Department of Defense saw it fit to station me at Wheeler Army Airfield in Wahiawa and inspire me to take up actual surfing, my 8th grade class photo consisted of feathered mullet, puka shell necklace (not a real one of course but an Avon product) and Lighting Bolt collared shirt. Completely oblivious poseur.
Yea, ahh .. the puka shell necklace …. tragic.
You’re only young once, right ?
Home indeed. Where hope goes to die.
Wait, what?! This suxx… I thought we were still on MAWNs…
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Mahalo you fucken surfers. You god damn wahhabist nerds
The Wahhabist Nerd looks suspiciously like Kelly Slater.
Or Mick Fanning
Silly shark stories a harbinger of this dystopia so was expected.
Lairds plant based coffee creamer whipped with egg whites and sugar then baked in a mould might make a revolutionary ecologically friendly surfboard blank.
Or a delicious dessert…
Or this evil mix will make a rival for those compressed walkway stones Firewire makes from all of the leftover foam and bits of fingers from oppressed Thai children working in the factories.
Check them out here: https://firewiresurfboards….
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Strongman jizz. Hollywood ain’t gonna train itself!
I noticed there were no surfboards at Costco on my last visit, I asked an employee
“You guys got out of the surfboard biz huh?
“No Sir, We’re sold out, new shipment arriving soon would you like to order one?”
Fucken.
People are selling them for $200 on craigslist (they’re $120 in store I think) because they’re so hard to get.
BTW the Rasta colored one goes for over $200. Poseurs indeed.
I ordered mine with flames and all of the major religious symbols to cover my bases. $500 well spent!
Very confused by this article and which substance caused Charlie to write this. Although, most intrigued by the use of the word poseur. Why?
Did Chas just spell it “poseur?” Only a poser would spell it “poseur.”
No way! That was always the non-poseur way to spell it!
Well, when the definition of the word is “another term for poser.” You’re probably using the wrong spelling of a word.
Or the cool, indie version.
so the poser version? got it.
Ramones were posers
Duran Duran were poseurs
The Police were poposeurs
I’m starting a wedding band called The Proposeurs. You’re in it.
Sweet. If I can’t be a Professional Surfer, might as well be a Processional Surfer.
No doubt there’s a void to fill as Dan Finnerty has moved on to a greater calling.
https://youtu.be/IDUCgEZLnug
A Processional Surfeur !
Perfect !
I always wanted to start a wedding band called Buster Hyman and the Penetrators
ouch!
My dad was in a Trash Man themed alt band…called The Disposeurs
Damn it.
Chas–do you get more abuse here or at home with the wife and kids?
Home by far! This all feels like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
Nowhere close to the abuse Ashole gets over at Stab in the comments they let stick.
Really made my day seeing Chas calling Ash a piece of shit on Stabs Michael Tomson article last week.
His tears made Ris and Leo smile as they walked away.
Long anticipated and yet, I’m surprised that we are here now.
Excellent Chas. Those kids were poseurs, but now their moms bought boards at Costco and now they all surf.