Cleanse * Hydrate * Deodorize

The pivot to personal care products simply took the remaining bits of what used to be called “the surf industry” too long. It should have been obvious years ago. Should have been clear as the lightly sunburned noses on our faces that grooming is where we could/should/do shine brightest.

Oh, not that we are necessarily “well-groomed” but we also have Julian Wilson, who looks well-groomed, and rides for the iconic brand Hurley.

But of course you were excited when you learned here about Hurley’s exciting new product offerings, a beard softener which features a classically surf bourbon and oak essence and a charcoal peel-off that mask eliminates impurities while, at the same time, refreshing.

Were you also a touch sad though? Like, that’s it? Only two personal care products, the first only for men and the second targeted to men?

Well, dreams come true and I’m honored to be the first to introduce Hurley’s newest offering.

Post-workout wipes.

These asexual moist towelettes are guaranteed to cleanse, hydrate and deodorize after even the most strenuous jog/bench press/squat/box jump and all with that undeniable Hurley fresh essence.

And I don’t know if I can imagine a better stocking stuffer for the gym rat in your life.

A beautiful new day.

Plus the scariest ghost story you'll ever read.

Oh but was this fated to happen from the very beginning? The exact moment that Kelly Slater laid eyes on a defunct water ski lake in Lemoore, California and envisioned a long, green barrel? Hindsight is, of course, 20/20 and so it’s easy to say, now, that Surf Ranch was always going to become a douche magnet but did you know that at the start?

Expensive, exclusive and gate controlled by the World Surf League and/or Kelly Slater.

A douche super-magnet the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Wilmer Valderrama and Danny Masterson bringing their bros to the Playboy Mansion circa 2002.

Diplo has surfed the Ranch a few times.

So has Brody Jenner.

Dan Bilzerian just dried off.

I celebrated this past Halloween with a few wonderful families in Bel Air and was in charge of telling the twelve, or so, children a ghost story. The home that hosted backed up to a verdant canyon filled with trees, brush and poison oak and so we walked the children to its edge, sat them down and I began by telling them a macabre tale about how an old Indian (feather not dot) used to live in the canyon and made it his mission to create a human being. I then blindfolded them and passed around the eyeballs he created (peeled grapes), livers (canned peaches), heart (stewed tomato), etc.

There were many squeals and I hadn’t even gotten to the most horrifying bit.

The old Indian made every part of the body but could not make a soul and was so sad that his human being would never live. One dark and stormy night, though, a bolt of lightning hit the sack of flesh and the soulless carcass came to some sort of life and haunts Bel Air’s hills to this day.

It’s name is Dan Bilzerian.

“Kids, and especially girls, if you ever come across the Dan Bilzerian, spray mace in its soulless face and run far, far away…”

I was pretty pleased with myself.