Revealed: Western Australian Police used Glock 22 semi-automatic pistols to fire twenty-five bullets at twelve-foot shark that killed bodyboarder in “very unusual” shallow water attack!

Derek Rielly

By

And scientist predicts a spate of attacks by bull sharks caused by a rainy La Niña effect… 

Hitting a fish, even a twelve-foot, eight-hundred pound bull shark, at a hundred feet or so, ain’t easy as Western Australian police discovered three days ago after a fatal attack on a bodyboarder in Broome, a famous pearling town two thousand clicks north of Perth.

Charles Cernobori was a hundred feet offshore when the animal, likely a tiger or bull shark ‘cause Whites tend to do a u-turn when they hit Exmouth a thousand kilometres south, attacked.

After the man was pulled from the water by tourists, the cops used Glock 22 semi-automatic pistols to fire twenty-five shots at the animal, which missed, and the shark hung around for another half an hour.

In response to the attack, a scientist from Queensland’s Bond University has told Today that a rainy La Niña will, likely, lead to a spate of attacks by bull sharks this spring and summer

“Particularly if we get heavy rains,” said Bond University’s Associate Professor of Environmental Science Dr Daryl McPhee. “We know we have a higher risk of bull shark bites after flooding rains in the surf zone. That will be a risk.”

The man’s death marked the third fatal shark attack in Western Australia in 2020, following January’s Great White hit on diver Gary Johnson in January, and the disappearing of a local surfer by a Great White in October. 

"Yeah, twenty apiece. It's really happening!"

Angry Redditors create encrypted chat room to share explicit content bought from world #25 surfer-turned-porn-star Ellie-Jean Coffey: “Wow! A jackpot! It’s actually happening!”

Derek Rielly

By

A socialist experiment where capital is pooled and the harvest shared. 

A gilt-edged invite arrived in the mail yesterday, offering access to a Discord account where angry Redditors gather to pool cash, buy, then disseminate videos and photographs of Ellie-Jean Coffey.

The invite was free and the material I would be able to examine would also be free.

Two months ago, and shortly after Coffey had launched a ten-dollar-a-month subscriber-only website catering to men seeking the keys to their sexual gratification, some early subscribers had taken to Reddit to complain that even spending an extra eighty-five dollars on top of the subscription fee doesn’t necessarily grant access to forbidden realms.

A common refrain,

“Just echoing what everyone else has already said. I regrettably just paid $85 for her “private XXX shower video 🚿with my nipples showing”. Absolute lie. She’s wearing a white shirt and squeezing her tits but her nipples are not visible at all.”

“She just send me a $80 video of her masturbating… I think its $80 down the drain.”

What was remarkable, at least to me, was how many men will squeeze out large amounts of money for the express purpose of a torrid solo moment, gripping their weapons and twirling the snout violently against imaginary clit and vulva.

Sense has prevailed, however.

A socialist experiment where capital is pooled and the harvest shared.

In the encrypted chat-room I was invited to wander, I saw the former world #25 trussed up and gagged with red tape, ass cheeks red “my punished ass” and with a quizzical look on face; a nude frolic in a shorebreak with nipple covered titty-squeze, sorta snarl on face; topless on surfboard, nipples uncovered (“It’s actually happening,” writes velveteen KING); dressed in a bikini and a leopard skin robe, Coffey writhes on day-bed near pool (“She is literally the most awkward cam model I’ve ever seen,” says gmacdaddy); an underwater photograph of titties loosed from bikini (“Wow! A jackpot,” writes velveteen KING); Coffey standing and squeezing titties while noisily sucking on one nipple (“We’re basically paying for chicks to show the absolute bare minimum…she’s doing her fucking best NOT to show nipples. The audacity. Oh well, still gonna fap,” writes Noble); and the pièce de résistance, I suppose, a shower where a beer-can shaped purple dildo is licked and then used to achieve a theatrical on-screen climax, “Oh daddy!… I think I’m gonna cum! I think I’m gonna cum” etc (“She would be better off not faking things and just speaking honestly,” writes one old soul.)

The group’s latest crowd fund is to buy a $120 video that promises, “PUSSY FUCKED. My bare pussy getting penetrated by DICK for my birthday. UNCENSORED and NSFW XXX action for over 5 mins.”

Meanwhile, angry Redditors debate whether or not to invite Coffey into the courtroom for her alleged failure to deliver on promises, a detour into what constitutes “fingering” in a legal sense, very entertaining.

“The problem is,” writes budding Queens Counsel velveteen KING, “people say ‘fingering’, they think ‘she’s spreading her pussy lips for all to see’ which isn’t the same. People that keep saying it’s a scam or illegal are just upset because the reality is in what the expectation is. Which I understand, but it still doesn’t make it illegal.”

“So, I’ve been speaking to a lawyer buddy of mine,” begins another.

More as it cums.

Sydney’s “Surfing Nirvana” lodge and wave pool backed by Joel Parkinson, Stephanie Gilmore, gets green light!

Chas Smith

By

Paradise found!

And the hits just keep on playing. 2020, a bummer year for most, is almost out the door and a spate of anti-depressive news is heralding its impending departure. We have Hurley making the products of our dreams, Channel Islands employees re-purchasing the iconic brand and now a new lodge and wave pool getting the green light for construction in Sydney.

Wow.

Officially set to open in 2022, The Retreat at Wisemans will free the New South Welsh from having to travel to Melbourne for their surf-on-demand kicks. The $75 million project will have a large wave pool, 54-room hotel, restaurant, bar, conference facilities, nine-hole golf course and is backed by surf royalty including Joel Parkinson, Stephanie Gilmore, Josh Kerr, Olympic coach Bede Durbidge, Jack Freestone and Alana Blanchard.

Digital marketer John Du Vernet, one of the three principals in the project, came up with the idea for the resort while in his garden a few years ago and told Financial Review, “I was jealous of my friends who could play golf and go cycling all the time, while the surf is only good a few days every year, and everyone knows when that is because of [surfing] apps. A good surf and wave can live with you for months and years, but it’s hard to get that experience.”

Very nice.

The most exciting part is that the pool will feature Waveloch technology, the most promising of all and if you don’t believe me you must re-listen to its inventor, Tom Lochtefeld, discuss. The fact that Tom looks like Doc Brown from Back to the Future only cementing his genius and superiority.

Architect Kelvin Ho is in charge of the hotel build which will feature a “relaxed design that will be a nostalgic nod to Australian surfing culture.”

Pictures of Occy, maybe.

And Mick Lowe.

Those who aren’t staying in the hotel must buy memberships in order to use the facilities and I am very tempted to purchase one even though I live all the way across the Pacific in sunny Southern California because Sydney has it all. An opera house and now a Surfloch.

Extremely exciting.

Breaking: In feel-good story of the year, Channel Islands employees pool their money and buy iconic brand back from snowboard giant Burton!

Chas Smith

By

Happy days are here again!

And has the worm actually and finally turned? Human beings deciding enough bad news is enough bad news and endeavoring to be anti-depressive again? Punching fate in its mean mouth and loudly saying “NO NO DOGGY…”?

Maybe so.

Breaking news out of southern Santa Barbara shows us that the brave Channel Islands employees are doing their part, re-purchasing the iconic board brand from snowboard giant Burton and let’s go straight to the press release.

(Carpinteria, CA) Burton Snowboards has agreed to terms for the sale of Channel Islands Surfboards brand to CI Surfboards LLC, which is led by Britt Merrick and comprised of senior members of the Channel Islands management team, employees and teamriders.

“For my family and all of us at Burton, this is a very happy ending to Burton’s chapter in the Channel Islands Surfboards’ history,” said Donna Carpenter, owner of Burton Snow- boards. “We look forward to the day when CI returns home to the Merrick family, and we know the brand will be in good hands with Britt Merrick, Scott Anderson and the dedicated employees and teamriders at Channel Islands.”

“We’re extremely grateful for our time with everyone at Burton, they’ve been nothing but good to us over the last 14 years—and continue to be incredibly supportive during this transition,” explains Scott Anderson, CI’s General Manager for the last 25 years. “A lot of the staff at CI have been here their entire adult lives, so it feels natural to us that the business becomes an employee and team rider run model.”

I am thrilled and reached directly out to Britt Merrick, before receiving the press release, asking, “Is it true?”

“It is!” he responded. “It’s funny because when we did Dirty Water you were chiding me about it but I couldn’t divulge.”

That is some enviable self-control, there, but also what a day to be surfer.

Big is becoming small again.

The core flexing atrophied muscles.

Time for BeachGrit employees to re-purchase the World Surf League and by “employees” I mean you.

Spirited Oceanside locals keep up brave guerrilla front against Australia-based surfboard behemoth JS: “STØP THE TRACTOR!”

Chas Smith

By

Intense.

What a time to be alive and to be a surfer. Hurley finally making the products we deserve, Lemoore snagging the title Douche Capital of the World from longtime holder Menlo Park, a professional surfing fantasy league that finally makes sense and an olde-school blue collar vs. corporate/California vs. Australia/locals vs. blow-ins war raging in Oceanside, the sunny place for shady people.

But let me catch you up.

Australia-based JS Industries, a surfboard behemoth, recently purchased a warehouse in the very heart of Oceanside’s board building district, painted it black and stocked it with pristine, high-performance Monsta Boxes etc. flown in from Australia and Thailand.

The locals were not pleased, tagging the black paint with, “you fuk up! fuck ozz. O’side. Get out!!!”

The U.S. president of JS Industries’ California operation, Heath Walker, responded that the graffiti, “…hurts a lot, I’m not going to lie. It really took a chunk out of my armor. But we are here for the long term and I know getting acceptance will not happen overnight… We’re living in a world of shit sandwiches right now. Our objective is to be a positive person in the community. It takes time.”

Well, the locals are still not in an accepting mood and have opened up a new front with wheat paste posters, in Christmas colors, being spread all over town demanding, “STØP THE TRACTOR” and “OSIDE SUPPORTS LOCAL SURFBOARD MFG.”

A vicious purposeful slap by using “TRACTOR” instead of JS’s preferred “TRAKTOR.”

An intense ratcheting up of tensions but do you think that the campaign will force JS to relocate? To hire local board builders?

Will there be retaliation in Australia?

Tit for tat?

I, for one, have a bib around my neck and am licking my lips, enjoying every delicious bite of this shit sandwich.

More as the story develops.