WSL CEO Erik Logan performing a Manhattan Beach barrel.

Heartbroken World Surf League CEO Erik Logan quarantines mid-Pacific while love-of-his-life Manhattan Beach boasts: “With warm temperatures and plenty of straight-handers we’re the place to be!”

Maybe that magical wetsuit of armor has one more trick...

Oh to be the CEO of professional surfing, locked alone in your room in the very middle of the Pacific Ocean, streaming Real Housewives of Atlanta over a glitchy WiFi connection, having Spam Musubis slid under your door, by gloved hands, all mashed and misshapen, nearly single-handedly derailing the Billabong Pipe Masters in Memory of Andy Irons presented by Hydro Flask.

A pariah.

A pariah in the truest sense of the word.

Then salt gets rubbed directly into the wound as love-of-life hometown Manhattan Beach, California posts a boast so hard about how chill everything is there.

Your Manhattan Beach where you made a name for yourself stand up paddling into straight-hander after straight-hander bedecked in your magical suit of armor.

Sigh.

Per the local news:

Beachside Manhattan Beach is bustling today as folks get out to enjoy fresh air, sunshine, scenic ocean views, and all that Manhattan Beach is! Just this morning, a socially distanced line wound down the sidewalk near Becker’s Bakery and diners were out enjoying meals at Uncle Bill’s Pancake House, Homie, The Kettle, Simmzy’s, Manhattan Pizzeria, Ercoles, Sloopy’s Beach Cafe, North End Caffe, OBs Pub & Grill, Wild Cafe and Pancho’s.

Grotesque-looking Spam Musubis and Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

Sad.

Do you remember how funny that wetsuit of armor business was?

I almost forgot.


Hawaiian surfer loses leg, lung, to wet-gangrene formation; has thigh skin grafted onto bottom of other foot making it hairy: “I like to think there’s gonna be some type of perk with that — maybe I get better traction on my surfboard wax!”

Anti-depressive!

We’ve have been introduced to many new heroes in the past few days, or at least two. Matt McGillivray, the surfer from South Africa who performed so admirably at Pipe, and the Gold Coast woman who risked life and limb attempting to save two beer kegs from an angry ocean.

Champions of The People™.

Today, we meet a new one, Carter Parry, a Hawaii-based surfer and internet technology expert who was stricken with an almost impossible to believe run of bad luck. First, at the start of last year’s holiday season, he was rushed to the hospital in Honolulu feeling very sick. He woke up, two weeks later with his leg amputated below the knee, due methicillin-susceptible staphylococcus aureus (MSSA), or wet-gangrene, and had one of his two lungs removed due a “super infection” in his blood.

He was on his way to getting his second leg chopped off but the doctors saved it as described by Parry himself. “The doctors took a huge stretch [of skin] from my knee to my hip, and the nerve ending from my thigh, and transplanted that to my foot. They rebuilt the whole sole of my foot with my thigh tissue and fat, and that is a surgery that should not have worked but because it did, I am not a double amputee — which, for my lung condition, is huge.”

His medical team knew the foot surgery had been a success when, “All the hairs on the bottom of my foot began to stand up in the cold operating room. So they knew the nerve was connected,” Parry continued, and regarding having having hair on the bottom of his foot said, “I like to think there’s gonna be some type of perk with that — maybe I can [channel] extra static electricity, or get better traction on my surfboard wax. We’ll see.”

He said of his run of luck, “I was dealt this hand and I just wanted to surf again — that’s really all I was thinking about the whole time. My appreciation for life has just altered so much in a positive way. … I think my life’s gonna be better than it was before. I might not even be able to stand on a surfboard anymore, but I’m sure as hell gonna try.”

Talk about making lemonade out of lemons and our World Surf League should immediately contact the effervescent young man for a spot in the booth. I would never complain about the Wall of Positive Noise again.

Very anti-depressive.

Watch him shine here…


VAL Tom Hanks in repose.

Blockbuster producer Brian Grazer almost kills superstar actor Tom Hanks in horror surf collision: “His fin sliced me open to the point that I had to go to the clinic in Malibu and get 37 stitches on the inside and outside!”

VAL on VAL!

The VAL-pocalypse continues, news today revealing mega-producer Brian Grazer almost killed superstar actor, and fellow VAL, Tom Hanks in a collision at Malibu, where both keep houses.

The almost-seventy-year-old Grazer, whose films include Apollo 13, The Da Vinci Code and Parenthood and who is also famous for breeze-flogged hair that looks like it’s on its own recreational high, told In-Depth with Graham Bensinger,

“I see Tom Hanks, like in the impact zone, while I’m taking off on this wave. And I’m thinking like, ‘I can get around him.’ But I’m also thinking, ‘Shit! He’s a movie star. He’s the movie star. Am I going to kill the movie star?”

Grazer’s fin sliced through Hanks’ leg.

“It caused him to get, I think, 35, 36 stitches in his calf,” said Grazer.

On an earlier episode of the show, Hanks said, “I have a vicious scar in my calf from Brian Grazer running over me on his surfboard… His fin sliced me open to the point that I had to go to the clinic in Malibu, and get 37 stitches on the inside and outside.”

The injury, says Hanks, has left him with a permanently disability.

“My calf muscle has always been too short because I made the mistake of going surfing with Brian Grazer.”

Most worrying, I think, is seventy-year-old Grazer’s use of “like” throughout the interview.

 


Breaking: “The Round Mound of Rebound” Charles Barkley throws massive shade on the World Surf League’s Cone of Silence!

Blowing it.

I’m just going to be very honest here, if you’ll let me, and write that the World Surf League is absolutely, completely, confoundingly blowing it. There are as many story lines, here, in their abject failure, as there are in any “sport” and yet in our favorite CEO Erik Logan is refusing to explore any of them.

Has steadfastly refused even though he promised to be chief storyteller just months ago.

Is it because he has lost his sense of taste in Turtle Bay, frustrated that Lei Lei’s gorgeous cuisine doesn’t hit right?

Can’t fully enjoy Ted’s Bakery haupia pie?

A real mystery but the United States of America’s National Basketball Association, worth billions of dollars and a complete WSL dream, speaks direct truth to its marquee athletes/situations.

Per Charles Barkley, iconic NBA player, even better Ronnie Blakey-esque NBA analyst:

Imagine the ’89 World Champion Marty Potter spitting this much truth on Filipe Toledo’s recent Pipe performance in real time.

Imagine ’88 Barty Lynch.

Barty Lynch is closer to… something but COME ON!

WE’RE SURING!

We should be speaking truth to our “power” nonstop while driving some futuristic progressive narrative.

Ridiculously embarrassing.

Come fucking on ELo.


Watch: Gold Coast woman becomes international hero as she attempts to rescue two beer kegs getting swept away from surf club in slow moving storm!

Made not born.

Our attention has been so gloriously pulled back to professional surfing, following a fatal shark attack cancelation of the Roxy Pro, in Honolua, and World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s positive Covid-19 result cancelling the Billabong Pipe Masters in Memory of Andy Irons presented by Hydro Flask.

The whole works.

Surfvival, open threads, artisanal Longtom wraps but there are other heroes in our world like the yet-to-be-named Gold Coast woman who risked life and limb as two beer kegs threatened to make an oceanic getaway from a surf club in Currumbin, Australia.

My goodness.

If there is not a Sound Waves detailing every harrowing second of this incident then what is World Surf League CEO Erik Logan even doing (besides self-isolating and monitoring his light symptoms)?

Heroes are made, not born, or so they say and Plump Pip should well understand but in case he doesn’t (see above video).

What are your feelings, speaking of, on the women hitting Pipe not tomorrow but the next day when a fine swell hits those famed reefs?

I’m entirely optimistic that we are going to be served the best show yet. Steph Gilmore stalling through Backdoor bombs. ‘Ris Moore seeing and raising. The Mother of Dragons doubling down.

But let’s not forget the beer kegs.

Bravo.