#givingback #localoutreach #protectourbeaches
(Editor’s note: Here, part two in a series where the diary extracts of a climate activist pro surfer are opened to the public. As revealed last week, “It’s been six months since WSL heartthrob Drexel Wilson had an epiphany: climate change was real, was happening now, and if someone somewhere didn’t do something quick many of the world’s oceans would be rendered unrippable. There and then Drexel slammed down his disposable plastic smoothie cup and phoned his agent.)
July 25th
Quick hop up to Maui yesterday for a beach-clean in association with WSL and some soft-drink guys. I check the credentials of the soft-drinks company – don’t want to endorse some plastic-hawking bozos. They’ve pledged to reduce the plastic in their bottles by 20% over the next 20 years. That’s the kind of commitment I can get behind. I’m on the plane before the PR babe’s even rung off.
I’ve already filled one whole trash bag and insta’d 20 selfies (optics etc.) when Nate turns up with a couple of the guys and a few tall boys. Figure I’ve earned a break. Call around some buddies. Bit of driftwood and the gas from Nate’s truck and viola – a bonfire. Order some pizzas, more beers.
Woke up this morning on the beach with a cop blocking my morning sun with a fine for littering. Pick up a trash bag and get to work. Filled half a bag with beer cans when agent calls, meeting back in So-Cal. No worries, local kids and the teachers arrive to help out. I sign the trash bag and hand it to a ‘lil local grom.
“You wanna take over pal?”
He’s speechless. #givingback #localoutreach #protectourbeaches
July 28th
Shaper turns up. New bamboo boards from Brazil have arrived! EXCITED! Head straight out. Come straight in. Itching. Splinters. Full-body rash. Get on the phone with guy in Brazil. No answer. Try landline number. No answer. Strange. Feel woozy. Go to bed early.
July 29th
Only 40 signature boards left in the warehouse. Shaper suggests he knock out a few “disgusting hunks” just in case. I say yeah why not. Just in case. First time I’ve seen him smile in weeks.
August 3rd
In the store browsing the Lewis Hamilton CBD and supplements range when I have a Drexel brand brainwave. Drexel Wilson shampoos, hair gels and moisturiser! With my looks and luxuriant curls (Surfer magazine’s 11th Hottest Action Sports Athlete of the Year 2015) I can’t believe it hasn’t occurred to me before! I’m already on the phone to my agent even as the cashier scans my pre-peeled bananas and orange segments (the plastic tub makes a great wax holder!)
“Shampoo with my name on it. All bottles made from recycled snapped leashes,” I say.
“Just snapped leashes?” he says.
“And broken fins,” I say. “And ripped tail pads.”
“Tail pads rip?” he asks.
“Rip. Tear. Whatever. Let’s action that pronto.”
I hang up without even saying bye like in Hawaii 90210. Saving the world is pretty empowering.
August 6th
Flax! That’s where it’s at apparently. Some kind of seed like the dots on burger buns. And you can make surfboard cloth out of ‘em. Surfboards made out of seeds! WTF “I guess surfboards grow on trees now!” Everyone in the meeting lols.
Marketing dork say the costs will be too prohibitive for my board line’s target market: “They’re strictly vacation surfers,” he says, “Dads from the suburbs mostly.”
“You saying my people are kooks?” I ask.
“Mostly,” he says.
Damn.
Marketing Dork is pure ice.
August 20th
Turns out there aren’t many snapped leashes and ripped tail pads knocking about. Projected stock levels of the Drexel Wilson shampoo, face-moisturiser and shaving gel stand at 35 bottles. Marketing dork’s not unattractive assistant mentions the soft drink guys from the beach clean-up. How about a tie-in with them? Use their recycled plastic bottles. So I do I pay these people for a reason! Marketing Dork’s Not Unattractive Assistant mentions something about gel and shampoo ingredients but I’m on my phone checking the forecasts – East coast hurricane swell inbound! Airport. JFK. Sickness. #riprecyclerepeat
August 30th
Flax to the max baby! The flax cloth boards are a go! Likewise bio-resin. I really feel we’re revolutionising the industry here, making history! And history has my name on it! But – surprise, surprise – marketing dork’s still going on about production costs. As usual it’s Drex to the rescue, “How about some boards with flax and bio-resin and some with flax but no bio-resin and some boards just normal?”
Marketing Dork’s Not Unattractive Assistant suggests a ‘build-a-board’ model.
“But what if no one chooses the flax models?” I say.
“The answer’s in the question isn’t it?” says Marketing Dork.
Too cryptic. Headache. Smash a bit of CBD and head to the office meditation room.
September 10th
My agent calls just as I get off the plane from Fiji. Good news! Hair and skin care range is flying off the shelves! Interviews with MNSBC and Business Weekly re: my commitment to the planet and my astute business acumen. What can I say? It can be done folks! It can. Be. Done.
September 12th
Sitting in the truck still dripping from a session at Trestles when the phone rings: some hack asking me all sorts of questions about the Drexel Wilson shampoo. She’s throwing all kinds of long words at me about toxins and rivers and water tables and drinking water in some town somewhere (Drexel Wilson drinking water? Research).
I say something about plastic bottles and snapped leashes.
She says something about palm oil.
I say but palm oil is vegan isn’t it?
More long words! Words! Words! Words! I toss the phone out the truck window. Stress!
Pull over for some air.
Go to phone my agent. Can’t.
Phone tossed out window.
Slam a bottle of CBD. Feel slightly better.
Not a good day. Can’t Surfer magazine’s 17th Hottest Action Sports Athlete 2018 save the world without being harassed about how?
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Keep it going!!. The dot.com tech invasion in the lineup needs all the pushback in the world.
Shoot yourselves
Mutant radioactive Lunada Bay surf nazi’s preying on innocent Vals. Sounds like a movie.
Your Surfline article was great.
That’s a pretty interesting article. Scary.
Exactly! When you spend years transiting back and forth underwater, you see the disgust.
Your spoofs are the best!
are we playing limbo?
As I stood on the hill outside of Kabul, I watched a mountain of tires burn. After seeing the wear on taxis and truck tires i wondered when they were replaced. I also watched the black mushroom cloud and thought about Western recycling/resustain blah, blah. That’s all the whole thing is…..Western Countries with good intentions, but not even a spec on the overall picture. The bottom of the Oceans would be shocking to some.
More Literary Atrocities From BeachGrit miskreant: “commenters would rather forgive the preachy environmentalists than read this shit!”
This article had a very seppo slant to it, which is fine if it was interesting and funny.
UTTER PISH.
It’s actually an insult to pish.
Lacking inspiration…
Maybe a new avatar picture will move you past the writer’s block?
You’d like that?
Lack no more my friend. Get one of these up you and all your problems will be solved. (And Not Manu’s as well).
https://biocharger.com/pete…
I spent my last 15gs on bitcoin.
Feeling pretty good.
This site’s new lows continue to astound.
Year end clearance on shovels, supposedly.
I think we are somewhere between needing Plumbing
https://youtu.be/oK0NRgbZVmA
And / or a standup philosopher
https://youtu.be/IF2RYhNhBdw
Humor is what makes life livable. I have been friends with world class athletes and what made me friends with them is their ability to see the funny side of life, and their positive attitude. They saw the stars and said I can reach them, and they did.
Hilarious!
Yea so one of them just died of cancer who you should thank for saving snowboarding from turning into some kind of gay day glow Aussie/euro sport. But I’m sure that would have suited you well.
Gays are fashion leaders
Dont be dissin.
What you’ve got on right now was probly designed by a non hetero.
Goddamnit. I’m wearing a BG ‘tough girls’ t-shirt and nothing else.
I like that shirt, might get one. You’d think they’d lob me a free one, 13000 comments and all
Hope you enjoy your apres ski hot toddies
I don’t know what that is but it sounds wonderful.
Perhaps the main character will consume some blue dragon juice, leading to the swift demise of both him and the whole ‘story’…
No way Jenmeister. Not until you write about Surfline Man, Hurley Man and BeachGrit Man meeting up in some dark alley or walking into a bar together or some shit like that.
Wait, those are spoofs?
Yeah everyone knows Jen loves spoof mate.
Wiggs swooping in for his monthly BG residency.
Does Part 2 in a series mean the series is over or is this more like Episode 2 in an ongoing series? Trying to work out whether I give you my Grammarly subscription or not.
Hopefully it means it’s the final part…
Speaking of which Wiggs, my subscription is almost up. Can I get a little help?
For anybody that complained about hobbs. It’s your fault.
Oh you deleted your first comment?!?
I emailed head office about that last week. Except I was pointing the finger at the commentators more than the Writers.
Derek put it down to me suffering from commentary fatigue which is probably true but I swear I’m going to go fist bump a brick wall if I read another Dad joke or a middle aged jaunt down memory lane.
Head office? I honestly thought you boys were working on this shit while sitting in bed before going to work at Coles or something. Can I come visit the office?
The live thread during the pro tour is what set this site apart from others. It was a great antidote from the some old commentary by the same old tired commentators in the booth. Trip down memory lane, yea I do that, because of the shit direction that the whole scene is becoming.
Let’s hear it negs. Let me know what you think about what’s happening with the tour, or is that kind of talk “dad jokes”
yesterday I ate a clock, it was very time consuming. especially when I went back for seconds.
there ya mate, fist bump away.
I know it’s been a difficult stretch this year and we all want it to go back to normal again. You have a tough job and I will try and “look twice ” at my typing before I hit post. Thanks
Not at all directed at you! I was agreeing with your deleted comment of “feel like Beach Grit is flying on fumes to make it to the pipe masters”
Would rather read a compilation of Bexy’s comments from 2020 than another one of these things.
Fuck it’s no wonder. DR is tighter than a New York Jewgina. I know Tom Sawyer invented the hustle but O’Rielly has perfected it. The commentariat is what bankrolls his and Chuck’s lifestyle and now he’s got you mutts writing his stories for nada. Ha brilliant!
Chuck dog needs to put more effort into it than spending five minutes every morning on google to find a story about a sea anemone. Pipe and Honolua can’t start soon enough.
All you have to do is reference Yoga pants, a swift van, Puffy jacket, Surfline premium membership, Double latte, kale salad, Cardiff etc. Boom you have a story.
Knock yself out.
At least Hobbsy would jump in with a comment or two, gotta give him props for that
It’s a low bar but I’ll take any sort of affirmation I can get.