Florida beach smashes entire California coast in prestigious ranking causing much hand-wringing in Golden State: “Florida? Seriously? But Kim Kardashian doesn’t even live there!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Kelly Slater wins again.

TripAdvisor released its hotly anticipated “best beaches in the world” rankings, overnight, causing eruptions of joy in Australia, Florida and deep, profound soul-searching in California.

According to the top-secret algorithm that measures “best” as it relates to “beach,” Whitehaven Beach there in Queensland is number one with Cuba’s Cayo Santa Maria nipping at its sandy heels. Brazil, Turks/Caicos follow with the fifth best beach in the world falling to St. Pete there in Florida.

California has zero beaches in the top twenty-five, being beat out by Tanzania and England amongst others.

Not one.

California thinkers have fallen into a deep state of snark in order to deal with the shame.

Per San Diego’s local NBC affiliate:

Who among us, daydreaming of an idyllic day on the strand, hasn’t thought of their favorite sandy spot by the shore in … England? Is it possible the folks at TripAdvisor spent too much time quarantining this year? Or maybe they’ve been out in the sun too long? Somehow, the Massachusetts-based travel “experts” decided that Bournemouth Beach — in Dorset, England! — deserves a spot on the 2121 list of Top Beaches in the world. For God’s sake, there’s even one from Florida — Saint Pete Beach — in the World Top 25!

Zero beaches.

No Capitola, no La Jolla, no Surf City, USA.

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan is certainly wringing his hands, thinking he made a poor decision in leaving Oklahoma for Manhattan Beach, also not ranked, instead of St. Pete.

Extremely troubled and sad.

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Rumor: Google founders purchase Tavarua and her Cloudbreak, nearby Wadigi Island, adding to vast Fijian holdings!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Crazy! But true?

The rich get richer, they say, and now, according to a hot new rumor, “founders of information technology company Google now own several of Fiji’s premier tourism sites including the globally famous Cloudbreak surf island. Several sources have confirmed the transactions but none have been able to reveal the sums involved. ‘The architects are already on Tavarua,’ said one close to the transaction. Tavarua has an American owned resort on it, but it has been sold to Google. Also picked up by Google parties is Wadigi Island and a bay near Vanibaka resort on Malolo. It has been purchased to moor the Google super yachts, including Dragonfly.”

Very cool and you’ll certainly recall when it was rumored that Google execs purchased Namotu 3-odd years ago. You’ll also recall when the rumor was quickly debunked.

But what about this time?

Those “architects already on Tavarua” seems extremely serious.

The rumor continues, “Late last year Sayed-Khaiyum said a group of unspecified billionaires were to visit Fiji with plans to settle and invest. He did not name them but at least one private aircraft at Nadi was spotted as being used by Google’s co-founder Larry Page. This could create an awkward situation if Google wants Tavarua closed to outsiders.”

Now let’s get even more than serious here… if you could purchase part or all of one iconic surf destination and close it to outsiders, which would you choose?

Cardiff Reef?

An odd choice but infuriating those who regularly surf it as justification entirely understandable.

More as the story develops.

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Almost unbelievable half human-half shark found hiding in Indonesian waters: “I have gone around fishing, even almost crossing to Australia, but I have never found a shark looking like this!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Macabre!

It was only a matter of time before Robert Rodriguez’s childhood classic Shark Boy and Lava Girl was realized IRL and here we are. Living a cinematic reality only dreamed but a decade-plus ago. And let us waste no time in traveling to Indonesia where our li’l 6ix9ine resides.

Fisherman Abdullah Fero, 48, is responsible for the almost unbelievable discovery. He was out all night, trawling, doing his thang then went home to cut an adult shark he had caught. Abdullah later told local media outlets that he found three pups in its stomach and while two of them looked like normal sharks, the other pup had two big eyes under its snout and a big mouth, making it appear much like a human.

“I was surprised because I have gone around fishing, even almost crossing Australian waters, but I have never found a shark looking like this,” he said.

He decided to preserve the li’l peep and now it is quite the sensation with flimflam men offering to purchase so they can take it on a tour alongside other bizarrities like Chasten Buttigieg and the Q Shaman.

Do you think the li’l biscuit is friend or pho?

I mean foe.

More as the story develops.

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International Surfing Assoc. releases thrilling format ahead of Tokyo Olympiad: “Non-elimination heats are the true mark of any evolved sport!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Reeeepechage.

But there, can you taste it? Feel it? The unique thrill only running and gunning for Olympic glory can bring? I’ll tell you what, country-on-country action has been known to drive even the least-athletic person into paroxysms of pasión and it will be no different when surfers paddle out in Japanese waters, competing for the first time in history.

Wow.

Right on schedule, the International Surfing Association has released its thrilling format.

The initial phase comprises two rounds: Round 1 (20 surfers), Round 2 (10 surfers).

In Round 1, there will five heats of four athletes – the top 2 in each heat will advance through to Round 3, i.e., ten surfers.

Round 2 is a repechage round and will have two heats of five surfers.

The top 3 will move to Round 3; the two bottom finishers in each heat will be out of the competition.

Repechage.

Say it loud and there’s music playing.

Say it soft and it’s almost like praying.

There will 15 male and female WSL or WSL-adjacent competitors who will be seeded, partially, based on their 2019 season ending position. The other factors that will play in remain mysterious.

Repechage.

Ahhhhhh.

Who you got?

Kanoa or JohnxJohn?

Italo or Gabe?

Weston-Webb?

We should all go in together, make some monster bet and get on the news.

It’d be very cool.

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Four-and-a-half thou' turtles stunned into comas by cold water. Sanjuana C. Zavala/Sea Turtle, Inc.

Unprecedented freeze in US puts thousands of Texan turtles into “cold-stunned” comas!

John Miskelly

By John Miskelly

Trucks pulling up every fifteen minutes with crates of comatose turtles.

Turtles, zero aggro. Maximum chill. Masters of the glide.

A touch of the wise old stoner about them.

Have you ever seen a surfer and a turtle settling matters in the parking lot? Turtles just don’t have time for that kind of toxic belligerence.

Turn around, glide away.  

Not even a single registered complaint from them about the deafening cacophony of noise pollution we surfers bring directly into their living rooms. 

Too bad for turtles that nature doesn’t give a jellyfish’s pickled dick about chill. Nature’s a bit like politics in that way; whether you like it or not you’re part of it, even if you don’t know you are.

Take events happening right now over in Texas for example, where temperatures have fallen to as low as 4C (40F). Nothing a decent five mm and a twat cap can’t handle you might say, but a) turtles are cold-blooded and thus more susceptible to changes in sea temperature, and b) Nobody’s designed any wetsuits for turtles yet. 

As a result an unusual amount of ‘cold-stunned’ turtles – a process which more or less amounts to turtles going into a chill-induced stand-by mode – are being discovered along the Gulf coast.

According to this NPR story, Sea Turtle Inc., a charity in South Padre Island, near the Mexican border, has so far received more than 4,500 cold-stunned turtles, delivered to them by well-meaning Texans. 

The stricken turtles are currently being housed through a combined effort between the charity, the South Padre Island Convention and Visitors Bureau, local government, and SpaceX, which happens to have a launch site nearby. 

(You know if he just gave a fraction of his wealth…)

From The Guardian, “Every 15 minutes or less there’s another truck or SUV that pulls up,” said Ed Caum, executive director of the South Padre Island Convention and Visitors Bureau. “We had trailers full yesterday coming in that had 80, 100, 50,” he said.

To get an impression of what a warehouse full of hyperthermic turtles looks like, check out the video. 

The centre’s waiting for temperatures to rise to 15C (60F) before evicting the turtles back into the wider world to earn their own living.

This is Texas after all, if you love hand-outs so much why don’t you swim to Cuba?

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Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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