Why has professional surfing so far passed on Saudi
Arabia’s $1.5 billion Vision 2030 sports washing masterplan?
Snooker, Formula 1, golf, boxing, football – all
mentioned in a report by human rights
organisation Grant Liberty on Saudi Arabia’s $1.5
“Vision 2030” sports washing “masterplan”.
Sports washing is a geopolitical quid pro quo whereby a heinous
Islamic monarchy hosts a big boxing match or horse race with lots
of lights and famous people and broadcasting rights and in return
the so-called civilised world ignores aforementioned plutocrat
fascist hell-hole’s cutting up of dissident
journalists.
Wait, cutting up? Fascist? Hell-hole? Horse race?
Legitimate concerns, but forget those things for a second and
focus on the pertinent question: why is the most glamourous and
aspirational of sports (surfing) conspicuously absent from the
aforementioned report?
Why has professional surfing thus far seemingly passed on this
1.5 billion petro-buck bonanza?
If the WSL really wants to reap the VAL dollar and bring surfing
into the sporting mainstream they need to get on this bandwagon
ASAP.
Lennox Head be damned, Riyadh to the rescue.
Happily, surfing’s GOAT and unofficial global ambassador Ke11y
Slater already has connections with friends in the Middle East, in
the form of his new best pal Lewis
Hamilton.
Hamilton knows all about sports washing because his sport of
Formula 1 reeks of the stuff.
There’s been a Grand Prix in similarly autocratic Bahrain since
2004.
Later this year, Saudi Arabia will host its first ever Grand
Prix. Rather cleverly, Hamilton rides both sides of the
sports-washing debate by offsetting his complicity in state
violence by taking the knee before races and also being vegan.
Canny operator.
What’s stopping Lewis “surfing is my
fave sport!” Hamilton from asking his colleagues in
the Middle East to give his newly discovered passion the same boost
it gives F1?
Fair enough, there’re no waves in Saudi Arabia.
But that’s where Kelly comes in, more specifically his
30-million-dollar wave pool. Even better, he already has experience
planning
surf resorts for the
super-rich in the middle of a desert.
With
the £1.4 billion Saudi Arabia spent on arms from the UK in just
one financial quarter last year (predominantly to drop on Yemeni
civilians) they could build 46.6 Kelly Slater Wave Company wave
pools.
Construction costs?
Even less of an issue should Saudi Arabia look to their Qatari
neighbours for inspiration. There are currently an estimated 1.7
million migrant workers from Bangladesh, India and Nepal working on
constructing stadiums and facilities for the 2022 World Cup.
“Some
are being subjected to forced labour. They can’t change jobs, they
can’t leave the country and they often wait months to get
paid.”
I mean a job’s a job right?
Plus, imagine it, fields of wave pools.
A city of wavepools. 46.6 oases in the desert. Boardshort and
(if we really push our luck) bikini-clad surfers under the hot
desert sun competing in multiple heats on multiple channels all at
the same time. It could be like Wimbledon.
Who hasn’t watched a pro-surfing event and thought “I wish this
was a bit more like Wimbledon?”
Meanwhile, newly baptised VALs and their kids are initiated into
the sport of kings in the “try it for yourself”
grass-roots-nurturing outer pools sponsored by Red
Bull.
T-shirts.
Sunglasses.
Heaven.
There will of course be the inevitable push-back from extremist
groups who refuse to understand that by shining a light on Saudi
Arabia we’re actually encouraging them not to torture people, like
we did with China and the Olympics.
For this there exists PR companies, and
advertisements in enlightened British broadsheets.
Take us Saudi Arabia, take us and cleanse yourself in the
borrowed credibility of the sexiest, hippest, most radical of all
sports!
Golf? Lame. Snooker?
Not even a sport.
Bathe yourself in our chlorinated goodness!
Wash the guilt away!
Hell is murky.