US Olympic Surf Coach responds to WSL’s hard woke pivot and claim that “conservative, whining, f*cking fascists” pollute gold-medal favourite US Olympic team!

Dirty, dirty water.

As a man, as an American, as an elite sportsman, it is very difficult to fault Brett Simpson, thirty-six years old, a two-time winner of the US open, a surfing hall of famer and the USA Olympic surf team’s coach.

He ain’t got a bad bone in that old body, even if it is held together by sheets of pigmented skin the colour of rust.

The immensely popular Simpson was a star of Peter King’s once-great #tournotes (Watch “Brett Simpson is the Unicorn of  Lowers” here), helped Filipe tutor Lake Peterson in the art of the 540 and when Filipe lost in an interference at the US Open he told the WSL to “change that fucking 1970 rulebook.”

It was a shock, three days ago, therefore, when the WSL’s Chief Strategy and Brand Officer Dave Prodan, thirty-seven, who has been with the company since he graduated from UCSB in 2005, said on the WSL’s official podcast, “The number of conservative, whining, fucking fascists in the surfing world, some of which hold esteemed positions in companies and on Olympic teams, is pathetic.”

Who are the fucking fascists on the Olympic team?

Hawaiians John John Florence and Carissa Moore or flag-waving Yankee Doodle Dandys Brett Simpson and Kolohe Andino?

The mathematics on that equation, I suggest, is simple.

“I just love freedom, man,” says Brett.

"Good mental health is over there."
"Good mental health is over there."

Unforeseen: Surf coaches, instructors, emerge in these incredibly divisive times as most-sought after, doctor prescribed mental health therapists!

Strange days.

Of all the places surfing could, might, have gone in these fraught-with-trouble times, the very bleeding edge of mental health was certainly a surprise.

But here we are.

Strange days with surf coaches, instructors, now so in demand that there is a push to get them in the same category as Xanax and Ativan.

Prescribed doctors.

Kris Primacio, the CEO of the International Surf Therapy Organization, has just launched the first-ever year-long pilot study to compare and analyze the benefits of surf therapy on various types of conditions. The findings will be presented to the medical community, which she says will be a major step toward prescribable surf therapy.

“Community is exactly what is happening in surf therapy programs,” Primacio recently told Spectrum 1 News. “We’re creating safe spaces.”

According to the report, it is these safe spaces that make surf therapy what it is. While anyone can go surf, recreational surfing is not surf therapy.

“Unlike regular surfing, which is usually done solo, surf therapy takes a structured approach and is always done with trained staff members whose goals are to foster healing.”

It is assumed that recreational surfing is, in point of fact, the opposite of surf therapy where furious women and men scream “GET OUT OF THE WAY, KOOK!” at vulnerable adult learners, further traumatizing.

And would you change your angry ways if it meant becoming a controlled substance with much street value?

Something to think about.

In astonishing move, the International Surfing Assoc. unveils controversial new logo ahead of Olympic qualifiers: “Offensive! It is visually offensive and represents toxic masculinity!”

Must see to believe.

The International Surfing Association, headquartered in La Jolla, California, is not typically known for extreme pivots, jaw-dropping announcements, but that all changed last night when it shocked the world with the revelation of a brand new logo.

The controversial new design was was immediately pounced upon by the global press with some calling it “brash” and others “foolhardy.”

ISA President Fernando Aguerre was forced to address the growing frenzy, issuing a carefully prepared statement.

“Surfing has come a long way in my journey with the ISA, and with all change taking place in the world, we felt this was an opportune time to update our image and identity. We need to represent the current – and future – state of the sport as we expose fans from all around the world to surfing, many for the first time, at the Olympic Games. We have embraced surfing’s ethos of simplicity and youth, which is effective across the array of digital mediums whether a smartphone, tablet, or desktop screen. Paying homage to our original logo, which withstood the test of time for more than two decades, we maintained the same hue of blue that draws a strong connection with the ocean and nature.”

It did little to quell the cacophony.

A video was then released, attempting to further explain the artistic choices.

It only added gasoline to the fire.

“It is as progressive as it is functional…” one critic declared.

“Offensive! It’s visually offensive and represents toxic masculinity…” another parried.

We live in extremely partisan times.

More as the story develops.

British public falls into hysterics, savage mockery, as much-loved television presenter attempts to surf The Wave in Bristol: “She couldn’t even get up to her knees on her board!”

Sea change.

Has the VAL-pocalypse taken a new and heretofore unexpected zig in the last few weeks? It certainly appears so with those who have picked up our surfing game later in life are acting uncharacteristically.

The VAL, up until this moment, has been marked by his or her general enthusiasm, lack of care in learning proper etiquette, desire to throw the doors of sliding pleasure open for VALs-in-waiting.

But no longer?.

For in Britain we see much-loved television presenter on the popular program This Morning, Josie Gibson, travel to Bristol, there on the south of the pendulum, to surf The Wave except fell before even getting to her knees.

Previously, her effort would have been cheered by VALs and VALs-in-waiting alike but on Friday, Ms. Gibson was ruthlessly mocked by viewers and co-hosts alike.

One person wrote, “I actually chuckled out loud at Josie falling in.”

Another sneered, “Poor Josie here they’ll put her through anything.”

The country’s famous tabloids piled on next, running headlines declaring “HYSTERICAL” and “FAILURE.”

And is it possible that the VAL and VAL-in-waiting will all round on each other in a spectacular bloodbath?

Probable even?

More as the story develops.

Minnesota man, self-identifying VAL, becomes hero overnight by saving drowning man, dog: “I believe that it was totally a God thing to have us be surfing and staying out that day and not coming home when we did!”


Unlikely heroes are the best sorts of heroes and about this there can be no debate. Simple men and women not chasing fame and glory but when the bell sounds, when needed, jump into action without considering the consequences but we simply must meet Darby Voeks, 26, of Minnesota.

The local news channel describes him as a surfer, and he was in fact, in Duluth to surf on the day fate knocked but he, himself, does not consider himself such as “he’s still new to the sport.”

Have you ever heard such self-awareness in a VAL?

Such beautiful clarity?

A hero already but the story gets better.

Voeks was at Park Point in Duluth, enjoying a run of early spring swell when he decided to catch one last wave.

“I was supposed to head home to meet up with my girlfriend for dinner and I thought, ‘Just one more wave. Maybe just one more wave.’ I know that what good surfers do is they’ll walk down the pier … and they’ll jump off the pier and kind of get to the main break without having to paddle all the way out there,” he said.

As he made his way down the pier a woman rolled up to him in a wheelchair, frantic.

“I need help.” She pleaded. “Can you please help? Can you please help? My dog is drowning in the water and I think my aide went in after him.”

Voeks let his surfboard fall and sprinted to the end of the pier where he looked and looked, seeing nothing, until a bellowing voice filled the cool air, “HELP! HELP! I CAN’T SWIM!”

Voeks was able to get the man a life ring and hauled him to the stairs.

Next, he spotted the dog and without a pause jumped into the chop.

He swam over to the terrified pup and then swam her back back to the pier, breathing heavily.

All safe and accounted for.

“There were way too many coincidences to just say, ‘Oh, it was right place, right time. Lucky,'” He said. “I believe that it was totally a God thing to have us be surfing and staying out that day and not coming home when we did and wanting to stay out longer and have me decide to just go one more wave, one more wave.”

The first responders have nominated Voeks for the prestigious Duluth Citizen Partnership Award.

“You saved a life today. You saved a dog and you saved a person’s life. We’re extremely grateful.”

World’s greatest VAL.