Breaking: Scientists fear mass spontaneous human combustion event as Surf Ranch Pro forecasted to get underway during blistering heat storm!

Not cool.

The Surf Ranch Pro presented by Adobe gets underway this Friday June 18 and we know this, for a fact, because nature is not responsible for the waves but rather 11x World Champion Kelly Slater and his custom built sled.

Very cool.

Not very cool is that Friday June 18 is forecasted to have a daytime high of 111f or 44c.

Yikes.

Social scientists know that 111 in Lemoore actually feels like 164f 73c due the way heat sticks to bovine flatulence then expands.

Real scientists are generally worried about a mass spontaneous human combustion event.

According to Encyclopedia Britannica:

Descriptions of spontaneous human combustion date back to the 17th century, with a large number of cases recorded in the 19th century and a handful in the 20th and 21st centuries. Altogether, there are a few hundred recorded possible cases. Although the scientific support for spontaneous human combustion was weaker than Dickens stated, it was a widely discussed phenomenon in his time. The public largely accepted it as a reality on moral grounds. The victims were often alcoholic and overweight, and more were female than male, so there was a general perception that it was a kind of retribution for a debauched lifestyle. This idea was reinforced by lurid newspaper accounts of suspected cases. It made intuitive sense, after all, that a body saturated with a flammable substance—alcohol—would become flammable.

Nothing says “debauched lifestyle” like Surf Ranch.

Retribution imminent.

Sorry Kelly Slater.