"Surf pools drained and empty, wave generating equipment apparently dismantled..."

Oh to be 11x ASP/WSL champion Kelly Slater. In California’s armpit, his eponymous Surf Ranch Pro is set to kick off tomorrow under a scorching sun with many professional surfers dreaming fevered mutinous dreams. Not one happy person within 15 miles (save event winner Gabriel Medina).

And, hours away, in Texas’s heart, once-thrilled residents are seething, angry, growing increasingly restless with the purchase, then shuttering, of a proud NLand Surf Park just outside of Austin.

Austonia, a locals’ only website detailing life in, and around, Austin, has just published a scathing piece titled “Summer Bummer” blaming “the world’s greatest surfer” for their woes and let us read, now, together:

Austin’s surf park made a splash when it opened in 2016, astounding the city’s land-locked surf-lovers with new artificial wave technology. Two years after a company led by the world’s most famous surfer took over, an Austonia drone photo survey shows a desolate site where there once was a thriving attraction that brought surfers from both coasts, and beyond.

Surf pools drained and empty, wave generating equipment apparently dismantled, parking lots empty, surf shop and pub closed. Mud, weeds, and only the sound of prairie wind, where once big waves broke to the sounds of joy from excited surfers.

Ouch.

Austonia goes on to detail how they hired a drone to fly above the surf park and see what Kelly Slater hath wrought (mud, weeds), writes of how Slater and the World Surf League have done nothing with the property since August 2019 when an engineering plan was denied by the City Council and how this has not been Slater and the WSL’s only boondoggle.

Shall we read more?

Austin’s Surf Ranch isn’t the only location to flop. According to Beach Grit, Slater’s first U.S. location, a prototype Surf Ranch location in Lemoore, California, seemed closest to opening but remains closed to the public, open by invite only. Another in the works by KSW is Surf Ranch Coolum in Queensland, Australia, a $1.2 billion development with plans to open in 2022.

We already know what’s going to happen in Coolum, don’t we.

A handful of nothin’.

The world’s greatest film has taught us that, sometimes, nothin’ can be a real cool hand but not in this case.

Not in Austin.

(More as the story develops.)

A masked mutineer!

A hot rumor from a well-placed source floated across my horizon this morning, wafting on the cool ocean mists blanketing coastal San Diego and Orange counties. Allegedly, a professional surfer on the World Surf League’s championship tour who is currently in the top 5 has boycotted her or his practice waves ahead of tomorrow’s Surf Ranch opener out of “sheer dread.”

As you may, or may not, know, each surfer who competes in the Surf Ranch Pro gets a set number of practice waves on the days before the event. If memory serves, two lefts and two rights. It is important for any professional to re-familiarize themselves with the Ranch, its peculiarities etc., and turning the opportunity down is akin to mutiny.

My source says, “(The surfer in question) did not want to go to Lemoore ahead of the heat wave but now dreads it. Hates the wave, hates the heat, hates Lemoore and really hates the hotel. Doesn’t care about missing practice or where they finish in the comp due to lack of practice. Feels the whole thing is an abomination, anti-nature, soulless and not the only one feeling this way.”

Whoa.

And by the sheer numbers of professionals not showing up for various injuries and whatnot it would seem the mutiny is well under way.

Back to international bodyboarder Ronaldo and his single-handed sinking of Coca-Cola, how many mutinous surfers would it take to sink Surf Ranch?

Also, let’s speculate wildly as to who the above top 5 pro is!

Cease and resist!

A fine BeachGrit patron, as fine as any I’d imagine, regularly makes the roughly two-hour drive from Austin, Texas to Waco, home of the very famous BSR Cable Park and accompanying wave pool. He enjoys himself amongst those American Wave Machine waves and surfs well and the drive is pleasant enough with burger joints dotting the roadway.

Enjoyable.

Today, though, when he prepared himself to check-in ahead of his time he was greeted with new signage.

And there we have it.

An apparent re-branding turning BSR into “The Surf Ranch.”

Kelly Slater and the World Surf League will certainly be vexed and send cease and desist letters followed by nastier, angrier cease and desist letters but I wonder if it is all so cut and dry.

Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch, in Lemoore, California is surrounded by dairies. Waco, Texas is surrounded by cattle ranches. If the matter went to court, couldn’t a judge properly rule that dairies are not ranches, ranches are ranches, thus Waco has a greater claim to the word “ranch” and, therefore, “Surf Ranch?”

George W. Bush has a ranch near Waco, Texas. I’d imagine he also has friends on the court.

Which side do you take in this War of the Surf Ranches?

Exciting days ahead.

Brother versus brother etc.

Not cool.

The Surf Ranch Pro presented by Adobe gets underway this Friday June 18 and we know this, for a fact, because nature is not responsible for the waves but rather 11x World Champion Kelly Slater and his custom built sled.

Very cool.

Not very cool is that Friday June 18 is forecasted to have a daytime high of 111f or 44c.

Yikes.

Social scientists know that 111 in Lemoore actually feels like 164f 73c due the way heat sticks to bovine flatulence then expands.

Real scientists are generally worried about a mass spontaneous human combustion event.

According to Encyclopedia Britannica:

Descriptions of spontaneous human combustion date back to the 17th century, with a large number of cases recorded in the 19th century and a handful in the 20th and 21st centuries. Altogether, there are a few hundred recorded possible cases. Although the scientific support for spontaneous human combustion was weaker than Dickens stated, it was a widely discussed phenomenon in his time. The public largely accepted it as a reality on moral grounds. The victims were often alcoholic and overweight, and more were female than male, so there was a general perception that it was a kind of retribution for a debauched lifestyle. This idea was reinforced by lurid newspaper accounts of suspected cases. It made intuitive sense, after all, that a body saturated with a flammable substance—alcohol—would become flammable.

Nothing says “debauched lifestyle” like Surf Ranch.

Retribution imminent.

Sorry Kelly Slater.