Feds claim popular Santa Barbara “Lovewater” surf school owner accused of murdering his children was obsessed with “QAnon and serpent DNA conspiracy theories.”

What are we then supposed to do?

The most stomach-turning story of the decade was filled in, earlier today, when it was revealed that the popular Santa Barbara surf school owner, Matthew Taylor Coleman, was “obsessed with QAnon and serpent DNA conspiracy theories” before gruesomely murdering his two young children in Mexico.

According to NBC News, the 40-year-old confessed to authorities that he used a spearfishing gun, earlier reported as a wooden stake, to stab his two-year-old son and ten-month-old daughter to death because “they were going to grow into monsters” due his wife’s “serpent DNA.”

According to Business Insider, “Contemporary belief in reptilians is mostly linked to British conspiracy theorist David Icke, who first published his book ‘The Biggest Secret’ in 1998. Icke alleged that ‘the same interconnecting bloodlines have controlled the planet for thousands of years,’ as the book’s Amazon description says. The book suggests that blood-drinking reptilians of extraterrestrial origin had been controlling the world for centuries, and even originated the Illuminati — a fictitious group of world leaders that conspiracy theorists say control the world.”

Coleman allegedly referenced his “enlightenment” after his arrest and claimed that “he knew it was wrong” though “hoped to save the world with the action.”

Disturbing alternative narratives have wildly proliferated in the past few years becoming accepted by larger and larger swaths of the population. I suppose we all, here, know someone who has jumped the shark, so to speak, but what to do with all of this, practically?

How to interact, converse, correct? Cutting off, ostracizing, “cancelling” doesn’t seem like it works.

At all.

Of course Coleman was profoundly mentally wrecked but did thinking conspiratorially lead to his horrific, unforgivable action or did his profound mental wreckage merely find its disturbing alternative narrative and latch on?

What are we then supposed to do but, more importantly, how can we, all of us, protect everyone around us and especially our children? We, surfers, knew this man. He was one of us. He was ours, as disgustingly difficult as it is to hold.

There has to be a way to make this never ever happen again in our ranks.

Being disgusted isn’t enough.

There just has to be something we can do.

In stunning fall, Laird Hamilton’s eponymous Superfood stock price down nearly 25% today, over 50% for the year!

"Lack of imagination."

Laird Hamilton’s Superfood, a line of nutritious coffee creamers and “performance mushrooms,” went public a little under a year ago to much fanfare and applause. The company, based in Sisters, Oregon, was certainly young but hungry investors thrilled for a piece of Hamilton’s agelessness, his firm jaw pointed toward a plant-based future, and sent the stock price from its $22 opening well north of $50.

Things have not been as “healthy” since.

The stock has slid, steadily, since winter and today (at time of writing) is down a whopping 25%.

Business minds are busily assessing what led to the fall, considering underlying structures, capitalization issues, risk factors and other fancy business words but I think the problem is pumpkin.

The company announced, days ago, that its “pumpkin spice” flavorings would be making a return this autumn. Per the press release:

Featuring warming notes of pumpkin spices such as cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, nutmeg and real pumpkin powder, these creamer products can spice up your coffee without the guilt. Laird Superfood Pumpkin Spice Superfood Creamer combines the brand’s Original Superfood Creamer with real pumpkin and festive spices. This festive blend is a perfect boost for a morning cup of coffee, tea, smoothie and more. Meanwhile, the Aloha OatMac Superfood Creamer in Pumpkin Spice is a special blend of OatMac creamer the superfood way, with the inviting flavors of pumpkin spice and nourishing, buttery macadamia and oats, without any artificial flavors or sweeteners, making it the perfect addition to hot or iced coffee. Lastly, Laird Superfood’s fresh and plant-based Liquid Superfood Creamer is now available in the festive Pumpkin Spice option featuring functional mushrooms including Lion’s Mane, Cordyceps, and Chaga. The pumpkin spice flavor consumers love can now be found in the refrigerated section.

All fine and good but pumpkin flavorings are soooooooooo last year and the fact that Hamilton and team have not pivoted to this year’s trend, bourbon, shows a worrying lack of imagination.

The team should take more “performance mushrooms” and get back to the drawing board if there is any hope in halting the slide.




Open thread: Comment live Corona Open Mexico presented by Quiksilver

A little dirty fun.

Pip Toledo, a Teahupoo standout. | Photo: WSL

Breaking: World Surf League almost certain to cancel Outerknown Tahiti Pro as French Polynesia bans sporting events! “The situation is dramatic,” says French prez Emmanuel Macron

The new-look COVID variant, Delta, has hit our brothers and sisters in French Polynesia real hard, hospitals "saturated" etc.

Straight from the desk of the WSL is news that the hotly anticipated Outerknown Tahiti Pro, an event sponsored by and tailored to its master Kelly Slater, will likely be cancelled as French Polynesia prepares to close its borders from this Sunday. 

The new-look COVID variant, Delta, has hit our brothers and sisters in French Polynesia real hard, hospitals “saturated” etc.

Authorities have announced a nine pm curfew but in classic island form, the territory’s president Édouard Fritch was seen playing guitar at a wedding party with hundreds of unmasked guests, Papeete’s mayor Michel Buillard providing the vocals.

In a message to competitors from the WSL’s Head of Competition Jessi Miley-Dyer, 

“Wanted to make you aware of the latest information out of Tahiti. There is currently a press conference happening in real time or about to happen, saying they are closing the border on Sunday. 

“It’s unclear what this means for us at the moment but the team is going to work on getting clarity tonight. We are just getting the information now. 

Please give us the night to gather what’s happening. We will hopefully have an update for you tomorrow evening.” 

Don’t look real good for the Ok Pro, and bad news for any vaccine sceptics who might’ve bitten the bullet and taken the hit just to get through the gate and into Tahiti.  

Update: contest cancelled, obvs, although Tahiti tourism wanted us to clarify, no events, but borders open.

From Tahiti Tourisme’s Melissa Wisenbaker,
“I help manage PR for Tahiti Toursime and am reaching out requesting an edit for your latest article covering the Tahiti Pro. In the article you mention the event will likely be cancelled as “French Polynesia prepares to close its borders this Sunday”— they are not closing their borders. The event was cancelled due to concerns with COVID. Can you please remove that statement out of the article as we do not want people to think that the borders are closing?”

Did a psychedelic drug trip four years ago open a portal for Kelly Slater to launch a world title challenge, unprecedented in all sports, in his fiftieth year? “I got a miracle of information. It opened up some sort of doorway in my future”

“I just had the most profound experience of my life."

For the past two days, pro surfing fans have thrilled to an invigorated Kelly Slater performing better, according to our august corespondent, than fifteen years ago. 

The source of Slater’s zeal?

In today’s contest analysis, Longtom points to the ability of psychedelics to open a gateway to perceiving the Universe. 

“It flat out works. We simply have to accept this separate reality when it comes to the WSL and the Goat. How else to explain a fifty-year-old man doing the best turns of the day (opening turns on wave one and three) in head-high point surf?”

Four years ago, y’see, Slater, was a guest of the Rythmia resort, “the ultimate spiritual vacation located in Costa Rica, in an all-inclusive luxury resort” where “93.26% of our guests report a life-changing miracle during their stay.”

In a testimonial posted to Facebook and presumably related to the Ayahuasca ceremonies held at the resort, he said, “I got a miracle of information. It opened up some sort of doorway in my future. It was otherworldly.”

Kelly appeared in the to-camera testimonial looking beatific and dressed in guru-chic beige. 

In an almost whisper he says,

“I just had the most profound experience of my life. I literally decided to come here twelve hours before I came. It was something that was nagging at me for a few weeks beforehand, that this was something that could potentially change my life. I’ve had a lot of experience in my life. I’ve been all around the world… I’ve lived all around the world…and I’ve got to experience most worldly things. But…”

What miracle did occur?

“I don’t think I could explain unless we sat for a long time and you kinda understood what it is. It’s really bizarre. I would say I got a miracle of information and what you do with that is your own thing. So that’s the challenge and the goal now is to refresh to that knowledge and to use the what I experienced and got to understand from it to change my life and my world. I think it opened up some sort of doorway in my future.”

Watch here!