“Patron Saint of VALs” Jonah Hill celebrates status with Brothers Marshall inspired Body Love tattoo!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

"The world is finally ready for us."

“Patron Saint of VALs” and new Malibu local Jonah Hill recently celebrated his status with a Brothers Marshall inspired “Body Love” tattoo.

The logo, lightly borrowed from Body Glove, features the iconic yellow hand except not in its classic style but making the sign language gesture for “love.”

Comments on Hill’s Instagram page were universally positive. @kookoftheday weighed in, hoping that the star of Superbad might consider a KOTD tattoo next. Famous surf water photographer Daniel Russo replied, “Should have gotten one that says ‘soft top’ instead.” Renzo Gracie from Brazilian jiu-jitsu fame shared bumping knuckles emojis and Zoe Kravitz said, “Yesssssssss.”

The wonderful Brothers Marshall, Trace and Chad, shared that they drew up the logo in the early 2000s and are happy that it has found a wonderful permanent home, telling BeachGrit, “The world is finally ready for us,” which brings up a very important question.

If you were going to tattoo one surf logo onto thyself, what would it be?

Gotcha’s fishman?

The Hurley H?

Quiksilver’s mountain and wave?

Billabong’s Billabong?

A funny twist on a classic like Jonah Hill, Santa Brewz instead of Santa Cruz for example?

Many choices.

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Confession: I tried, and thoroughly enjoyed, a Mark Zuckerberg e-foil!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Freedom isn't free.

Yesterday happened to find me on a lake in the Grand Teton National Park, sun shining, Tetons towering, bald eagles sitting on tree branches staring out disdainfully.

Even though it was a Sunday at the beginning of August, the lake was empty, water oil glass, air temperature a perfect 78 degrees Fahrenheit, water a cooling 71.

The most kind Travis Rice was hosting on his fine Mastercraft fitted with wake skates and e-foils.

I looked at those e-foils, when we boarded, and thought, “Ugh. Dumb. Mark Zuckerberg is dumb.”

But then there we were, Tetons towering, bald eagles being assholes, and I thought, “You know, I should try the darned thing in order to really curse dumb Mark Zuckerberg properly,” so I hopped into the cool, grabbed the bluetooth handle, slid onto the surf traction’d deck, and pulled the trigger.

Rice, himself, had given me a quick tutorial before and said, “Just cruise around on your belly for a while then get up slowly but stay toward the front of the board until you want to foil then shuffle slightly back. Remember, speed is your friend. Also, stay away from the thing when you fall off and don’t keep pressing the trigger.”

Immediately, I pictured amputation.

I cruised around on my belly for a minute, finding speed, then hauled up to feet, staying forward, shuffling back and…

…foiling.

Oh my goodness, I was foiling and it felt so good, so glorious, smooth as butter, not a sound but the warm wind whispering secrets in my ear. It felt, almost, like riding deep perfect powder. Like finding the pocket on a head high point and just cruising.

The obvious pride Zuckerberg had in himself, the way he so thoroughly pressed his buttocks out, had given me the impression that it would be very difficult and also amputation, but it was not difficult. It was easy and it was fun. Ridiculously fun and I flew across the water with an embarrassing smile plastered across my embarrassing face.

Zuckerberg may have been wrong in his pride but he was right in his pursuit of the e-foil life and I would recommend to you with only a few caveats.

1. Do not let anyone picture or video you.

2. Do not let anyone see you.

3. Do not tell anyone about your e-foil experience.

And that is all I have to say about that.

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BJ, beat up by a pool. | Photo: BJ Penn

King of the UFC octagon BJ Penn almost becomes first wavepool fatality: “The wave swallowed me and pushed me and my surfboard underneath a huge cement wall. I kept thinking ‘don’t die for your kids’!”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

"It pushed me into a big dark cement room that fills up with water to push the next wave for the wave pool. It felt like I was in the movie SAW or Final destination."

The Hawaiian-born UFC superstar BJ Penn has revealed he was almost killed at a wavepool after being sucked outta the tank and into the engine room.

BJ, who is forty-two and a long-time UFC drawcard, only the second cat to win in two diff weight divs, says he was sitting next to the owner of the pool, neither named, got a little close to the wall and, next thing, he’s fighting for his life.

BJ writes,

Last year when I got sucked into a wave pool engine room and thought I was going to die… I kept thinking “don’t die for your kids” I was surfing for a about an hour and the line started getting longer to catch the wave. I was sitting next to the owner of the wave pool by the “wall” where the waves come from. The first wave it shoots out is a dud to get everyone ready for the next wave. The dud wave came back and because I was so close to the wall the wave swallowed me and pushed me and my surfboard underneath a huge cement wall. I remember feeling like I was getting sucked in a pipe and at that moment I got scared. It ended up pushing me into a big dark cement room that fills up with water to push the next wave for the wave pool. It felt like I was in the movie SAW or Final destination. The room would fill up with water to the top and I would hold my breath and then it would push the water out to make the wave and it was really rough inside there. Everything I bumped up against in the room that hurt me got infected. I got a bad sinus infection and a couple facial fractures from getting knocked around the cement walls and from the fractures the dirty water got in my face and infected my whole sinus. I was on antibiotics for three weeks for my face. While I was in the wave pool engine room I knew that one of my friends outside from big island is a legendary surfer and I knew he would come in there to rescue me so I stayed calm. A lot of other people might have panicked and maybe gave up but I just stayed strong for my kids. Anyway to make a long story short I survived that mother fucker 😛😛😛 !! The name of the people and water park have been left out. I not the kine guy shows up to your house to play and gets hurt and tries to sue you so all love ❤️ to everyone who helped me get there and helped me survive 🤙 Maybe I was the first guy in history to get sucked into a wave pool engine room while it is in operation but no matter what happens in life and no matter how scary it is if I can offer you any advice I would just say to “stay calm”. If I didn’t fight tough cunts my whole life I might have panicked, but it was just another day in the office

https://www.instagram.com/p/CSCipBxlfhs/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=ff466be3-c940-4263-b2ad-74eb05aefcd3

Shane Dorian, who was the legendary Big Island surfer who saved BJ, replied,

“Happy you kept it together down there. That was really terrifying. Live to shred another day!”

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Social commentator Bill Maher blasts “woke Olympics,” singles out surfing as prime example: “Of all the violations of the woke penal code, cultural appropriation might just be the dumbest!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Fireworks.

Last week, or maybe two weeks ago, the Associated Press brought up surfing’s grand Olympic debut and the fact that it is a cultural appropriated art that benefits white devils at the expense of native Hawaiians. Days ago, The Washington Post doubled down, arguing that surfing was part of America’s evil soft power used to subjugate and abuse.

This narrative is standard, now, but social commentator Bill Mahr ain’t having it.

In his most recent episode of Real Time with Bill Maher, the host blasts the “woke Olympics” and singles out our surfing as a prime example of silliness. The piece begins around the three minute mark.

Maher gets upset at the “cultural appropriation” line, says there are only two native Hawaiians left on earth and doubts that they birthed surfing pointing to the twenty-odd thousand islands in the Pacific. “How do we know that they were the first to stand on a board on water? It seems like its something that any person near any ocean would eventually do.”

Unsaid was, “Like Peruvians. Buy here.”

Maher continued, “But let’s say a Hawaiian did invent surfing. Should he or she have kept it to themselves? The best part of human history is sharing, which is sort of the point of the Olympics.”

Well?

What do you think about that?

Offended?

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Breaking: Tik Tok users set “thirst trap” for Kanoa Igarashi; Olympic silver medalist slips, falls right in!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Flirting with danger.

In a shocking turn of events, Business Insider is reporting that Tik Tok users have set a “thirst trap” for Japan-by-way-of-Huntington-Beach’s Kanoa Igarashi after his silver medal winning performance at the Tokyo Olympics and that he has fallen directly in.

@fatasswhitegirl took to the popular social media platform and wrote, “Thank you japan for putting surfing in the olympics,” before cutting to images of Igarashi holding his surfboard, with his silver medal etc.

Igarashi, very excited, responded to @fatasswhitegirl by reposting her video as a “duet” adding his own self saying, “Hey that guy looks familiar,” and also, “Just doing my morning scroll on tik tok and found myself,” including a laughing emoji and a crying laughing emoji.

Not knowing what a “duet,” I asked my eight-year-old daughter who told me, “It’s a video but you press duet and then it splits the two videos from yours and the other person’s. Like someone does a dance then a dance then a dance then a dance but that’s not a duet, that’s a chain.”

Like this…

“Thirst traps,” in any case may be deadly but also could maybe lead to true love. BeachGrit will be diligent in keeping up with the progress of Igarashi and @fatasswhitegirl’s relationship.

More as the story develops.

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Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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