Freedom isn't free.
Yesterday happened to find me on a lake in the Grand Teton National Park, sun shining, Tetons towering, bald eagles sitting on tree branches staring out disdainfully.
Even though it was a Sunday at the beginning of August, the lake was empty, water oil glass, air temperature a perfect 78 degrees Fahrenheit, water a cooling 71.
The most kind Travis Rice was hosting on his fine Mastercraft fitted with wake skates and e-foils.
I looked at those e-foils, when we boarded, and thought, “Ugh. Dumb. Mark Zuckerberg is dumb.
But then there we were, Tetons towering, bald eagles being assholes, and I thought, “You know, I should try the darned thing in order to really curse dumb Mark Zuckerberg properly,” so I hopped into the cool, grabbed the bluetooth handle, slid onto the surf traction’d deck, and pulled the trigger.
Rice, himself, had given me a quick tutorial before and said, “Just cruise around on your belly for a while then get up slowly but stay toward the front of the board until you want to foil then shuffle slightly back. Remember, speed is your friend. Also, stay away from the thing when you fall off and don’t keep pressing the trigger.”
Immediately, I pictured amputation.
I cruised around on my belly for a minute, finding speed, then hauled up to feet, staying forward, shuffling back and…
…foiling.
Oh my goodness, I was foiling and it felt so good, so glorious, smooth as butter, not a sound but the warm wind whispering secrets in my ear. It felt, almost, like riding deep perfect powder. Like finding the pocket on a head high point and just cruising.
The obvious pride Zuckerberg had in himself, the way he so thoroughly pressed his buttocks out, had given me the impression that it would be very difficult and also amputation, but it was not difficult. It was easy and it was fun. Ridiculously fun and I flew across the water with an embarrassing smile plastered across my embarrassing face.
Zuckerberg may have been wrong in his pride but he was right in his pursuit of the e-foil life and I would recommend to you with only a few caveats.
1. Do not let anyone picture or video you.
2. Do not let anyone see you.
3. Do not tell anyone about your e-foil experience.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Commented on Disqus? Log out, tap the Disqus button, and your old name and comments come back. The box is ours.
Your comments are still here. Every one of them.
Twelve years of BeachGrit comments came across from Disqus. Connect and we will show you how many are yours. We get your username, nothing else.
Connect Disqus to reveal.
Efoils are fun but can get boring. But they are the gateway drug to surf foiling.
All the decent surfers here with their egos in check and their heads halfway on right (f-ing tiny group really as I say that) will end up foiling. There is no one who suffers through the learning curve who quits. If you’re scared about being cool tell your buddies you ride a 4’2″. Isn’t shortboarding all about who’s got the shortest stick?
Knee high is the new head high. And it’s knee high a lot more often.
But It’s Dangerous!! Yeah, post that one pic from 3 years ago with the idiot trying to surf a kite foil again. But weird that insta isn’t flooded with death shots and carnage isn’t it? More people are cracked by a damn longboard than will ever meet a foil.
Scarcity is the root of every issue in Surfing. Foiling removes that completely. F&$k your expensive local spot. FL, TX & Alabama are all prime surf spots now. $500k for a surf boat? Ha, any boat will tow one.
Kooks? The best surfers in CA, Tahiti, and HI already foil. Check your fav pro’s insta. They are showing 1% of their foil sessions. But you keyboard warriors go ahead and enjoy the yuks here. Chas just felt the future. Let me know if you want to borrow gear. We won’t tell anyone.
Accurate EG.
It’s like what Chris Malloy said about standup paddling: “SUP is like masturbating. Fun, but don’t let your friends catch you doing it.”
And check out Laird riding a wave for four minutes, fifteen seconds in Pacasmayo, Peru.
If any of you have actually done anything this long, fast and cool, please post.
Foils to me are like F5 tornados or water spouts: Where does that energy come from?
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
I always order the Natto. Makes me feel macho.
Prove your love with a “loyal to the foil” neck tatt
So – like riding a moped?
Should have stayed prone!
Maybe drop knee!
You did it right chase–you did it on a ‘lake’.
those eagles with their disdainful gazes are discussing your kookhood on their grumpy old locals’ surf adjacent website’s message boards as we speak
Hope you mooned the boat like an amtrak at Trestles.
For astro
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
There ya go !
Haha love how trunking it is in quotes. Like, why does trunking it have to be in quotes???
Major Barney move
that fucker has a hella big head.
Hhmmm
Would you say the whole experience was…
1. Almost as gay/lame as your very short 4 man Italian boat trip ?
2. Equally gay/lame as your very short 4 man Italian boat trip ?
3. Far gayer/lamer than your very short 4 man Italian boat trip ?
What about: nowhere near as gay?
That couldn’t be true though sorry Stan.
Anything to do with lakes, his wife’s snowboard chums and e-foiling are (separately) pretty damn fruity.
But when they’re all combined into the one occasion it’s more like a whole mixed orchard…
4 Italian blokes in tight, tiny togs dancing to Euro techno with reef oil dripping soft droplets from their chest rugs into Chas’ gaping maw is pretty fucken hard to top.
Oh privileged master, please regale us mere peasants further on your exclusive upper class adventures
My great pleasure!
Chazzucka…Chuckle zuzzaberrg!
I guess it’s better that Charlie is being honest, than being two-faced about it all.
I, for one, enjoy bathing in the secondary glow of his pure decadence
Is Gina Rhinehearts daughter single?
You should have a crack
Might just give old Gina herself a plug
Hell Yeah
She’s a treasure!!
Which flag did you fly during your efoil experience?
(wrong answers only)
Hard to tell, Chas is only ever half-mast…
Alone, away from people, on a lake. Meh, do whatever you like. At the beach, in the surf, people around, waves limited. Fuck off you cunt.
Kinda like sprawling naked at home when the missus and kids are away and bashin’ one out. Acceptable. When the family’s home and sitting next to you? Perverted cunt who needs help.
don’t judge
If no-one is there to see it, did it really happen? Remember the stain remover.
I’m sure smoking meth is really fun too. Still doesn’t mean you should do it.
Unless you’re commenting on beach grit.
It’s a perfect fit for the woke lifestyle. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Shut up Surfads and pass the pipe
Chas Smeth
Ultra hard surf candy
“I’m sure smoking meth is really fun too” Can confirm. Only did a handful of times. That’s a troublesome road.
Best thing about smoking meth is that it’s only three sleeps til Xmas
The cons obviously outweigh the pros, but there are some pretty good pros.
Apt and car never cleaner, all dings religiously repaired…
Fact is most can’t keep the lifestyle
Meth….the drug that scares drug users…..
Well this comment elicited some surprising replies which now explain a lot of things…
Teeth are temporary, meth is for life…
Travis must be Gettin
sick of this Schnorrer.
Am
did you go the full Zuck and do it white faced?
Like fat chicks.
Fun to ride, but don’t let your friends see you on one.
pics, or it didn’t happen. For journalistic integrity’s sake