Echoes of WH Auden’s The Platonic Blow… 

A little light relief from the desk of Joan Duru, the prematurely weathered French surfer who won the Olympic qualifying event in El Salvador but not enough, perversely, to get him onto the French Olympic team. 

Now, in a saucy post to his retiring countryman Jeremy Flores, Duru has, in a metaphorical sense, opened his fly, a ten-inch monster lunging from the lair as Flores’ bottom lip trembles uncontrollably.

Writing on Instagram,

Félicitation pour ta carrière incroyable !
T’as gagné les meilleurs compets pipe teahupo et à la France 🇫🇷 !
Bravo et merci d’avoir poussé toute une génération française en arrivant avec un niveau de fou!
Bravo le fou va falloir fêter ça maintenant

Hit the translate button and,

Congratulations on your amazing career! You won the best blowjob Teahupoo competitions and France! Well done etc.

Accidental? A coded message? Freudian?

Very reminiscent of Auden’s The Platonic Blow, which you can, and should, read here.

A sample passage,

By soundless bounds it extended and distended, by quick
Great leaps it rose, it flushed, it rushed to its full size.
Nearly nine inches long and three inches thick,
A royal column ineffably solemn and wise.

I tested its length and strength with a manual squeeze,
I bunched my fingers and twirled them about the knob,
I stroked it from top to bottom. I got on my knees.
I lowered my head. I opened my mouth for the job.

More as the story grows…

From pro surfer to toy merchant to self-appointed detective uncovering electoral frauds!

One of the more interesting post-pro surfing careers belongs to the Hawaiian Conan Hayes, a pivotal member of the Momentum Generation who would split the sport at the turn of the century to co-found a label that would eventually be worth thirty-ish mill.

(Interestingly, RVCA’s website has erased Hayes, who sold his share of the company to his partner Pat Tenore for $7.5 mill, from its history and further claims that “RVCA is the brainchild of company founder, PM Tenore.”

In 2015, Hayes was hit with grand theft charges by the Orange County DA, who alleged Hayes had committed short sale fraud against the Bank of America “by providing Bank of America with false information concerning his financial net worth, which was in the millions of dollars, in order to qualify for short sale relief.”

The charges were dropped two years later “among a myriad of scandals following the prosecution.”

Now, and as revealed by Vice, Conan, a chameleon who, after selling RCVA operated a warehouse importing children’s toys in LA, is playing a significant role in the US’s culture walls.

To wit, the 2020 election was stolen from Trump by dark forces etc.

I’ll keep the preamble short, it ain’t that exciting, but a Colorado election official has been accused of leaking data from her county’s voting machines and sharing it with election conspiracists.

And here comes Conan!

In recent years (Hayes) has become somewhat of a minor celebrity in election fraud conspiracy theory circles, under his anonymous Twitter handle We Have Risen. He has worked on an election audit in Antrim County and has suggested on social media he was in Phoenix where the Arizona audit is currently taking place. He also has links to Doug Logan, the Cyber Ninja CEO who is currently running the sham audit in Maricopa County.

Further evidence that Hayes was the person who captured the images was provided by cyber security experts tracking this situation, who found Hayes’ initials in the downloaded files:

Clevenger confirmed to VICE News on Thursday that it was in fact Hayes who had provided the data from Mesa County to Watkins. What Clevenger, who represented the Seth-Rich conspiracy theorist Ed Buttosky, was not able to say for certain was if it was Hayes who also provided the video clip to Watkins, who Gerard Wood was, or if, as some open sources investigators tracking this situation believe, that Hayes and Wood are in fact the same person.

Note: Conan’s tweets are protected, gotta be approved to get in, but despite the gate he has an impressive thirty-five thousand followers. 

More to come, got our investigative boy Hobbsy onto it.

Bureaucracy does not produce champions. Money does not fix the problem. Money is the problem.

Two thousand and six seems a long time ago now, Kelly Slater being the only “surviving” link to that bygone era, but I remember it like yesterday.

Somewhere in Mexico, the first time I really connected with a pro surfing webcast. Maybe there were bits and pieces before that but Mexico was when I really tuned in.

Full-rez webcasts couldn’t have been going for much longer than that could they? Maybe three years tops, apart from Pipe.

The overwhelming impression after digesting pro surfing already “pre-chewed” by surf journalists, whatever tidbits were served up by mainstream media was “Wow, this is so different when you see it with your own eyes”.

I wonder how much of the history of this sport would have to be rewritten if the eyes of the world were on it, instead of handful of vested interests with the good of their clients the primary objective?

Imagine the paucity of your understanding of pro surfing if all you had was Turpel’s take on it. I don’t mean to be cruel, but as Chris Cote so eloquently explained, they are working for a client, and their interests are prime.

A subject for another day.

To Finals Day.

To be honest, I’ve never been less interested in the results of a Finals Day. Better surf was ahead in the waiting period, so that carrot was gone. There was zero consequence left in the outcomes. Top five decided. Jack already requalified, as had Silva. Leo was a solid mid-ranger, a genuine CT surfer with a win or two ahead of him, but no Title run. And Herdy had shown his credentials: easily a CT standard surfer, next cab off the rank from Brazil.

Why are we still here? Had no obvious answer.

The biggest takeaway is Jack Robbo prevented a clean sweep of this year’s tour by Brazil*. In lully dreamboat point surf he sat behind the rock in both semi and final, threading tubes and launching airs on the opening section.

Herdy had the nicest moment in their semi. An air reverse and with the front foot still locked forwards a neat and nifty tube-ride. It was as if the nineties and the seventies had been thrown into a blender. Jack’s much loftier alley oop was the determining factor in that heat.

The final could have gone either way. Silva rode three almost identical waves for a brace of high sixes and mid sevens Either of the sevens could have been juiced by a half point. Perhaps judges, like me, found Silva’s slightly wooden-legged stance a little unappetising served up three times in a row.

Or maybe they didn’t get the memo that Slater had identified Silva’s backhand as the best on tour. It did suit the tight transitions on the outside and shorebreak.

The crucial wave in the final was ridden with nine minutes to go. Silva ahead by a clear two-point spread. Jack speared a frothy, raggedy outside section and launched an equally scrappy air reverse. The ride lacked the power and flow of Silva but judges paid the repertoire, which had the full diversity quotient.

Lesson to upcoming Aussie pros: bring a full skillset or GTFO.

It seems deeply ironic to me that in this desperate state of Australian pro surfing where money is being pumped in via Surfing Australia and the HPC, our sole winner has rejected that system and chosen to run with Coach Leandro Dora.

A vindication likewise for Jack’s old man Trev who kept his boy away from the middle men.

Bureaucracy does not produce champions.

Money does not fix the problem. Money is the problem.

An Australian example.

Remember when Bondi was Scum Valley and had a huge pool of what my old boss Lester Brien, banged up in a Royal Commission into drugs for refusing to grass up clients, used to call “surf peasants”. Bondi produced an insane number of champion surfers out of that pool.

Could you imagine a pro surfer coming out of Bondi, now?

Not everyone shares this view but gentrification destroyed Sydney as a producer of surfing talent and it’s now working it’s way across the rest of the country. The single greatest factor in previous Aussie pro surfing dominance was what Camus termed a “sumptuous poverty”. Working class kids near the beach with fuck-all to do except surf and all the time in the world to do it.

That’s all gone.

As quaint as the Monterey Bay described by Steinbeck in Cannery Row. Which means Australia is now like California. A handful of pros will come via a dynastic process. Surf parents carefully grooming kids from a young age, or even in the womb, as in the case of Kanoa Igarashi. Spontaneous surf talent that can germinate out of nowhere like mushrooms in a cow paddock is over.

Breaking that line, the greatest advantage of Teahupoo’s cancellation accrues to women’s winner Stephanie Gilmore. The Queen of Australian Surfing is not of a temperament or skill set to huck South Pacific ledges at this stage of her career.

Head-high Mexico to Trestles is the perfect runway for her to stop a rampaging Carissa Moore, who suddenly and amazingly, looks beatable. Pro surfing is a very peculiar game and the League may rue the day they put the integrity of the World Champ in jeopardy by increasing the luck factor in a quixotic attempt to harvest American attention.

*Yeah I know JJF won Pipe. Last year.