Bitches will be bitches! says Malia, and she is not wrong.

I almost forgot to charge my headphones, a near-fatal error in this whole reality television experience.

Fortunately, they are ready to go — and so am I.

Halloween candy is already in stores, and was I going to pass it by? No, no I was not.

So, I have my M&M’s, and I am prepared for every eventuality.

On last night’s episode of Ultimate Surfer, there were surprises galore! So many surprises, I could hardly stay in my seat. In hot wildcard action, Kai and Kayla returned to the show. I did not expect to see them ever again.

A second chance!

How lucky they are to return to the Surf Ranch for more time on The Ultimate Surfer. Now Kayla has reunited with besties Tia and Breanna. That means, it’s knives out for Malia, the lone wolf, a nickname I feel will not really stick.

Tonight we can expect special guests!

I do not yet know who they are, but earlier this afternoon when I was in the gym, one of the televisions screens showed a UFC bout. I am super squeamish about blood sports, but the abs were fabulous. If one of those burly as fuck bros would like to sashay on over to the Surf Ranch, I would definitely not hate it.

The Ultimate Surfer! Episode 6! Let’s go!

Shake it on down to the Basin, you charmers!

This episode sounds so good already. I do not know who writes this stuff, but I hope they got paid well for it.

Teams are so over. They are competing as individuals from now until the end of The Ultimate Surfer, which is in exactly four episodes.

It’s so on! They are being introduced to some eligible singles.

People from The Bachelor are here now! I do not know them, but apparently, it’s very exciting. Breanna and Kayla squeal very loud at the sight.

OMG, surf lessons! They have to teach the Bachelor people how to surf. This is going to be so crazy. I can’t even wait!

Best surf instructor gets an extra wave in the surf challenge that’s coming up later.

It is very cute how flustered Kai is! He is super flustered.

The Bachelor guy is like, Kayla is so hot.

These surf lessons are very awkward. Tia is so nervous right now.

Hannah Ann — I know the Bachelor lady’s name now. She is very into Koa’s abs. She thinks he is super hot. He wants her to feel in touch with nature. There’s more to surfing than just shredding on the wave!

You win surfing Prince Charming! Hannah Ann likes Koa.

Zeke got Hannah Ann on a wave! She rode it all the way to the beach.

High-fives all around!

Red leashes! The award for best surf teacher is a red leash!

It looks so kinky. Somehow I don’t think it will go the way I am imagining. This is very unfortunate. It would so totally liven things up around here!

Breanna wins! She wins the red surf leash! She is a Bachelor fan for life now!

Alejandro wins the red surf leash! Zeke is very sad and disappointed. Alejandro owns a surf school, it turns out. He has done this whole teaching surfing thing before, back in Puerto Rico.

Now they are going night surfing. Also, there’s a party thing!

They are wearing glow rings and their surfboards have lights!

Oh, there is a moon! And it is a sliver, says Koa. I felt like I was flying through stars. Koa gets very poetical about all the things.

Visually, the glowing looks pretty alright.

Now, everyone is in the hot tub. Malia is flirting so hard with the Bachelor guy now. Breanna is so mad!

Now there’s a high school dance breaking out. With, uh, breakdancing, I guess! The starfucking vibes are very high. They are having the most fun ever!

I would be jealous, but actually, I’m not, because I have been to Lemoore. It is hard to be jealous of anyone in Lemoore! I would have to try very hard and I might strain something, which would put an early end to the whole Ultimate Surfer thing for me. I could not possibly continue, if I strained something!

KELLY VISION!

The challenge is floaters! Kelly is explaining what a floater is. Much giggling about the double meaning! Poop jokes, so perfect!

They are competing as individuals now. Everyone must floater on their own! The longest and and highest wins!

Turpel says Lemoore is the eighth wonder of the world! A good floater lingers on the upper lip just like a first kiss. Turpel is inspired!

This is my time to shine, says Malia! She is up first! Short floater, but Turpel liked the airdrop. it is a 6.0.

Kalya falls!

I feel like there is going to be a lot of falling in this challenge!

Tia falls, too! Tia gets a 1.00. That is going to smart!

Breanna looks spicy. She is determined to beat Malia! She has an extra wave and she believes she is so going to win.

So close! And yet, so far! 5.9 for Breanna.

Malia is stoked! She is bouncing and smiling, like it is the best thing ever! She wants that $100k and the wildcards so bad.

Kai, not great at the floatering. Alejandro, he falls! But he gets a second wave and did a float!

Omg. This challenge is not my favorite, I have to say.

Floaters? R U Serious?

Psyche-up time for Koa! It’s time to do the Ultimate Floater! I’m stoked! I think he might be lying. Anyway, Koa went out the back, which is not ideal!

You need to come down the front, Koa. The front of the wave, not the back! Do I have to explain all the surfing? You’re the one who wants to be The Ultimate Surfer, not me! Don’t make me come over there!

M&M — and commercial — break!

Oh, actually, on replay, Koa made it! He came down the front just like he is supposed to. Sorry, Koa! You do know about the surfing! I was so wrong to doubt you. It will never happen again!

Zeke is just playing now. He has done so many floaters. His last one is super huge!

Welcome to the Zeke Show! He flexes and looks all badass in an obvious sort of way. He gets some super high score and everyone is very impressed. Zeke is unflappable. Nothing can stop him now!

Zeke, very excited to be the puppet master again!

Malia picks Breanna to go to the surf-off.

Kayla, she also has to surf again!

On the men’s side, Alejandro has to go to the elimination round! Again! He has done it so many times now! He is nervous and has to decide who he wants to surf against. He really doesn’t want to surf against anyone right now!

Too bad, Alejandro! Zeke sent you to the surf-off and there’s no getting out of it.

Pick your poison, dude!

The psychological game here is very uncomfortable. You pick who goes to the surf-off with you! If you lose, you picked so wrong! You have control over your fate, right up until you don’t.

The Bachelor part was so fun! This part is not that fun at all.

Alejandro picks Koa to surf!

Oh, time for journaling! Koa is writing stuff down. He likes to visualize and write stuff down. This is not a bad idea when life gets stressful, like when you have to go do a surf-off. But it does not make an interesting spectator sport.

Good luck, everyone!

Kayla, she’s not scared! She won the wildcard and she wants to use it!

Surfing stuff is happening.

Turpel likes Breanna’s energy. We’re done with the Bachelor part, so I think he means her surfing. She did not fall, so that seems good.

I will confess, that the surfing mostly looks the same to me, despite Turpel’s eloquent efforts. I think Koa in fact surfs good, but it’s hard to tell in the dark. A lot of things are hard to tell in the dark.

I am learning so much now. Koa, it means strong in Hawaii. Turpel thinks Koa’s name will help him. I think that’s probably not true, but I’m just going to let this one slide. It’s fine. It’s totally fine.

Meanwhile, the acting in pharmaceutical ads is very bad.

Oh shit, Alejandro fell!

They are having a campfire. It is very precious. And they are wondering what’s going to happen next! There are so many possibilities.

No real surprise on the men’s side! Koa did not fall. He wins! This is exactly what Kelly foretold! If you do not fall, you will win! Surfing really is so simple.

All Hawaii boys now. Kai, Koa, and Zeke, one of them will win!

Hugs all around! Breanna comes back and Tia is very stoked. Breanna thanks Malia for sending her to the surf-off. Malia smiles all fake like it’s awesome, but we all know that it totally isn’t. She’s super mad.

Bitches will be bitches! says Malia, and she is not wrong.

Tia and Breanna are already scheming. They want the final to be all about them!

But Malia is not about to hand it to them!

Oh shit, it looks like they have to do airs next time!

The falling. I am going to have to watch more falling, aren’t I. This gives me the most joy! I like watching the falling, really I do.

Next week! We do this thing again!

I’ll be back, bitches!

The world is quickly being flooded with shit (see IKEA x WSL collab). The mass-production board industry doesn't need my support.

The less I buy new boards the less I want to buy new boards.

Does that make sense?

I think it does.

It’s a simple equation.

My desire for showroom shapes diminishes the more I purchase and ride used boards.

I’ve bought one new board off the rack in the last five years.

My last custom was a little while before that.

Probably close to twenty second-handers cycled through in that time.

Sure, it’s a vice.

Name yours.

I consider it a moral as much as an economic imperative. The world is quickly being flooded with shit (see IKEA x WSL collab). The mass-production board industry doesn’t need my support.

Okay.

There’s still one or two dream boards I have in mind that I’ll get shaped. Somewhere down the line. But for now I swim amongst the refuse and jetsam of a rapidly expanding swamp.

Used boards. I’ve written of my love before. Every board’s got a sweet spot, if you’ve got the time to look. It also helps hide my own deficiencies. Poor performances can always be blamed on the board. Project mediocrity and you’re less likely to disappoint.

Boy, there’s some real gems out there.

One came to me on Facebook marketplace a few months back. I was doing my usual doom scroll of boards in the area. The ad had an unassuming title.

“Second hand learner’s board.”

This was no VAL boat or high performance mini-mal though. A sleek-ish outline. Wider through the middle, to be fair. But a bonafide big boi toob shooter.  It was the spray that caught my eyes. Thick orange and yellow vertical stripes ran the length of the board.

Very Californian. Very Endless Summer.

Zoom in confirmed. A Robert August handshape.

Known for longboards, this was the R.A. attempt at a shortboard profile for the larger / older / less skilled surfer.

Three ticks for me.

7’6″ x something x something.

The guy has $120 on it. Australian dollars. Thing like that would have to sell for $550, $600. Easy.

I sent him a message seeking availability. Quick response.

“Sorry friend, another buyer has already said he is going to take it.”

Fuck.

I sat and thought. Looked at the board again. Imagined it on a sharp winter’s day, brisk offshore blowing up the face of a Tasman monster, me fading into it early like some mysto veteran corelord.

Wrote another message.

“Has he collected it  yet?”

“No.”

“I’ll give you $150, and can pick it up right now.”

“If you get here with the money, it’s yours.”

I quickly made an excuse to leave work. The car’s sick and I gotta take the baby to the mechanic. Hotline it to the guy’s house on the other side of town. An English fellow, moving home. Had been given the board by a friend to learn on but had never really used it.

“The other guy was pretty pissed when I told him he was missing out. He offered me $200,” he said as he brought the board out from his garage.

“You didn’t want to hold it for him?”

I took it under the arm. Damn it felt  good.

“No, I’d already committed to you.”

I was  about to pick him up on the contradiction, but decided not to.

“Ok.”
“I guess this guy Robert August is a well known shaper huh?” said the Pommy. “I’ve probably had a dozen messages come through after yours. ‘

Reckon I could have got more for it?

“Yep.”

I handed over the money. No time for a history lesson. Out of there before old mate decides to  up the price or the irate gazzumpee turns up with a knuckle duster.

I’m used to snaking in the water. But this online board snaking brought a whole new level of joy. Snooze you lose ‘n that.

I shoved it in the car and headed back to work. It wasn’t until that afternoon that I was able to inspect it closely.  In beautiful condition. A few hairline rail cracks. Some minor damage on the tail. Rotten tail pad placement, which I decided to leave. Set of plastic G5s.

Dimensions like a scaled-up shortboard. Not quite a Queensland Original but in the same ballpark.

This will be a forever board, I told myself. Only to be taken from the rack when the Tasman stirs. Or maybe I’ll restore it and re-sell. I could easily make 5x what I paid.

I’ll be the belle of the winter swells on this thing.

But here is the reality: I am unreliable. Weak willed. Even in the promises I make to myself.

I end up riding the board in predominantly small to medium sized beach breaks, because I can get more waves than other people and because the colours look cool.

Forget whatever idealist cockamamie I spin. These are the factors I favour over performance, lineup congeniality etc. I just want to get as many waves as possible. Everything else is secondary. I’m a surfing solipsist. My experience is the only one that matters, and therefore exists.

A right cunt.

Anyway, the board.

The board. In small waves the  thing is a dog. Doesn’t like being thrown around. But still wants to be ridden like a shortboard. Effortless glide between turns there is not.

Still, I slog away. I do eventually end up getting it out in some waves of consequence. It does paddle well. We do make some memories.

Like our final surf.

The scene: A Tasman low bombing from a  relatively close distance, throwing up all sorts of shapes at the local. four-to-six-foot breaking over a very shallow bank with regular, bigger clean up sets.  All under a clean NW wind.

The conditions I’d originally promised to it.

I sneak out early. Only one or two out.

It’s another simple equation. Early entry, hard bottom turn. Sit up and enjoy the view. Or, it should be. There’s a little vision, but nothing to write home about.

Finally I see the one. Not a set, but a viscous looking bowl coming at me. The other two pass it up.

I spin late, draw off the bottom. Go to set up but the thing looks ready to explode. I pin drop bail instead of pulling in.

Stupid move.

I come up from a brief but violent interlude. Find the board snapped right above the fins. Two and three-quarter inches of foam sliced clean. Delam up the whole bottom.

I would have been better pulling in.

The board would have been better off with somebody more deserving. Maybe it wouldn’t have ended up in a better place.

Still,  that’s what they’re made for. One-fifty well spent.

I go home, and log back onto marketplace.

The door is wide open for Tia to win the whole thing! Are you team Tia or team Malia? Bitches will be bitches!

In this episode: There is a big surprise, which I won’t ruin!

Also, some surfing.

Hi, hello. Yes, I’m back. You thought I would quit, didn’t you. Oh, she’ll last two or three episodes, then she’ll stop, you said. She is totally going to crack.

But no! I would never abandon you. We must somehow reach the finish of this thing together.

Once, and actually probably more than once, I wrote about every damn day of the Tour de France. That’s 21 days, in case you were wondering, which you totally were. I am here to tell you that there are a lot of lengthy stretches in the Tour de France where nothing much happens at all. I did not crack.

A mere reality television show? Child’s play.

Last week, some stuff happened. Really, I barely remember what I did yesterday, much less last week. I do know there are only three teams left. Mason and Bruna, two people I hadn’t really noticed, left last week.

Let us descend again into the demented world of the Ultimate Surfer.

Episode 5! “A little bit of this and a little bit of that.”

Presumably we will learn what this means soon enough.

Oh right, there was a pairs surfing thing last week. And they didn’t even wear cute spangly dresses, which was very disappointing. Also, Koa’s cheekbones survived another episode. I’m remembering it all now. I’m not sure if this remembering is good or bad.

Again, Koa is making a smoothie. Can we learn what Koa puts in his smoothie? Because this would be so helpful and servicey. I could learn how to make it and maybe I could be as good at surfing as Koa. That’s how it works, right?

We’re halfway! I did not know we were halfway.

The Jesse bro is telling them that they have the day off. No beach battle! I am so disappointed, because beach battles are my favorite part.

Product time! Camp-out trailer thing. Squeals of joy!

Oh. Every one is back. This is… not what I expected.

ANASTASIA! The Queen returns.

Bad music interlude. They are having a beach day. And pretending to have fun. I just want a good time, too. Yes. Totally.

Malia and Anastasia are bonding again. They are getting catty about Tia’s barrel skills. I can’t believe anyone would come to the Kelly Slater wave pool without knowing how to barrel well. Hisssss.

The good news is, you don’t have to say good bye, Jesse the American jock bro tells them.

Some nefarious shenanigans are afoot! It seems that everyone is back and we are starting all over again. They do not do it this way in the Tour de France.

But as we established before, this ain’t the Tour de France, baby!

This is all very confusing. The six remaining surfers get to pick the teams for the wave challenge, which will involve some sort of surfing. But that comes later.

First, teams. So many options! So many decisions!

There is a girl drama, again! The men are getting frustrated. Everyone is so nervous about all these decisions they must make right now.

Anastasia is paired with Kai. She is worried. Everyone agrees that Kai is a good surfer. But the nerves! He does not have the Surf Ranch figured out, maybe this will be his day!

The others are… I’m not sure. So many names! I need a cheat sheet or something. Or maybe some flash cards. They all left, so I thought I could forget all about them! But then they came back. This is a very mean trick to play on my one remaining brain cell.

KELLY VISION!

The wild card moment! Fight your way back in, says Kelly. Scare the other competitors and impress the judges! Kelly is so looking forward to it.

Yes, Kelly, we are looking forward to it, too.

The Ultimate Surfer bikinis are back. They are… not cute. Please, could I have some cute bikinis. Please could I have this one nice thing.

Girl drama! Kayla wants to beat Anastasia no matter what!

Wild card wave challenge. Eliminated surfers have one more chance! They will be judged like a WSL heat. So, I guess do cool shit on the wave.

Luke is fired up! He hasn’t done his best surfing yet!

Heartbeat sound effect. I feel the intensity, for sure.

Good surfing from Luke Davis, actually. I did not hate it. Kayla, also fine! Everyone is super worried, because they did not expect this team to do well. Oh no!

More surfing.

Bruna, fell on the barrel. Dramatic reactions! Austin, where are you? Underwater, duh.

Falling in the barrel, so trendy!

For whatever reason, there is much backside surfing. I do not know why the producer people made that choice with this thing. But better them than me!

Tension! No one knows the scores!

Annnnnd, commercial. Dominos, yes, yes, I like pizza. For some reason, there are zebras running around in this Dominos ad. Seems strange, but who am I to ask questions?

I’m just a girl, sitting in front of my screen, waiting to find out who wins Ultimate Surfer.

Kayla and Luke, they back! ANASTASIA, she back!

Anastasia fell, but Kai carried their team through the challenge.

Anastasia surfs against Kayla tonight! MEOW.

Kai surfs against Luke.

I do not know if I can take the intensity right now.

A wildcard surf-off! It’s going to be so insane.

A dream match-up! Luke and Kai, they grew up together, says Turpel. Kai is the wild, wild card. Turpel, he loves wildcard stories so much!

Luke is surfing super nice, but I’m not sure what his back arm is doing. Does he?

Luke falls in the barrel, but he did stomp some turns. Who even knows how to score that? Fortunately, I don’t have to know. This gives me joy.

Kai has a chance! Turpel likes it. Like squeezing honey in your eyeballs, says Turpel. He is very excited about Kai’s wave, which had a very long barrel and some other stuff.

More drugs for sale. None of them look that fun, really.

Kayla is up and riding! Weird soundtrack. She’s surfing her butt off, says someone. But she did not barrel.

ANASTASIA! She got a good barrel. But she fell! Yikes.

We’re going to find out the scores now!

The men? High score was a nine. Women? A six. Less than a point separates the women. So stressful!

Oh, Kai wins! He made it back. I did not see that coming — and clearly, neither did he. Kai has figured out the Ranch. Watch out, bros!

Kayla, she back!

Malia is very sad now. She is the lone wolf! She should draw a wolf on her boards. That would actually be cool, and give her something to do, while the other girls scheme against here. All the girls hate Malia now. It’s going to be so hard for her.

The door is wide open for Tia to win the whole thing!

Are you team Tia or team Malia?

Bitches will be bitches!

And yes, of course, I’ll be back.

Tomorrow is another day!