Candid: Sometimes, in my less-than-charitable moments, I wish that American Pickle’s Seth Rogen had become heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne instead of Hollywood funnyman Jonah Hill.

Chas Smith

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The heart wants what the heart wants.

Oh here I go wading into another quagmire. Another un-winnable war. Trying, and failing, to enjoy the journey of learning to be funny. But, now that you’re here, wouldn’t it be a lot cooler if Seth Rogen had become heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne instead of Jonah Hill?

I know, I know, the grass is always greener etc. but the heart wants what the heart wants and this heart has really been yearning, lately, for Seth Rogen.

He, like Hill, is funny and makes many funny movies often starring Hill. He, like Hill, is non-traditionally extremely handsome. But he, unlike Hill, seems… I don’t know. Less sensitive? More… humorously cantankerous?

Maybe humorous cantankerousness is entirely out of vogue and should be shunned and shamed but the heart still wants what the heart wants.

Hill, in any case, chose us. We didn’t choose Hill but ain’t that just the surfer way. Accepting whatever dribs or drabs popular culture spoons out and being extraordinarily thankful, falling over selves trying to become adjacent.

It’s the sort of thing, in fact, that leads to The Ultimate Surfer.

So I vote Rogen for the throne. He looks like this surfing, by the way.

Who would you like to see owning Malibu’s First Point?

Think big.

Superfood scion, big wave surfer, Laird Hamilton utterly stupefies general public by swimming underwater with dumbbell: “It’s like he’s a real life Greek god or something!”

Chas Smith

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The hero we need in these uncertain times.

Uncertain times call for extraordinary people and, thankfully, we have Laird Hamilton. The superfood scion and big wave surfer exploded back into view, over Labor Day in America by swimming the length of a pool, underwater, whilst holding a dumbbell.

“Suffering together is always more fun,” the one-time movie bad guy penned to Instagram. “Training w the boys @billykemper and @lucapadua …helping each other become more prepared. Now all we need is some waves.”

@billykemper is, of course, many-time big wave contest winner Billy Kemper while @lucapadua happens to be young Brazilian Mavericks charger Luca Padua.

But attention for the superhuman feat mostly surrounded Hamilton with the mainstream media swooning and the general public left in shocked disbelief, wondering if the man might be, like, a Greek god or something.

Unfortunately, as of writing, the moment did not buoy the Laird Superfood Inc. stock price, which is lower still after an earlier “stunning fall.”

President Business is not chill.

Still, with many extremely nervous over Coronavirus variants etc. it is comforting to know that Laird Hamilton is still out there pioneering work outs unbent.

The hero we need.

Malia is very sad now. She is the lone wolf! She should draw a wolf on her boards. That would actually be cool, and give her something to do, while the other girls scheme against here. All the girls hate Malia now. It’s going to be so hard for her.

ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, Episode five analysis: “Malia Ward is very sad. She is the lone wolf! All the girls hate Malia now!”

Jen See

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The door is wide open for Tia to win the whole thing! Are you team Tia or team Malia? Bitches will be bitches!

In this episode: There is a big surprise, which I won’t ruin!

Also, some surfing.

Hi, hello. Yes, I’m back. You thought I would quit, didn’t you. Oh, she’ll last two or three episodes, then she’ll stop, you said. She is totally going to crack.

But no! I would never abandon you. We must somehow reach the finish of this thing together.

Once, and actually probably more than once, I wrote about every damn day of the Tour de France. That’s 21 days, in case you were wondering, which you totally were. I am here to tell you that there are a lot of lengthy stretches in the Tour de France where nothing much happens at all. I did not crack.

A mere reality television show? Child’s play.

Last week, some stuff happened. Really, I barely remember what I did yesterday, much less last week. I do know there are only three teams left. Mason and Bruna, two people I hadn’t really noticed, left last week.

Let us descend again into the demented world of the Ultimate Surfer.

Episode 5! “A little bit of this and a little bit of that.”

Presumably we will learn what this means soon enough.

Oh right, there was a pairs surfing thing last week. And they didn’t even wear cute spangly dresses, which was very disappointing. Also, Koa’s cheekbones survived another episode. I’m remembering it all now. I’m not sure if this remembering is good or bad.

Again, Koa is making a smoothie. Can we learn what Koa puts in his smoothie? Because this would be so helpful and servicey. I could learn how to make it and maybe I could be as good at surfing as Koa. That’s how it works, right?

We’re halfway! I did not know we were halfway.

The Jesse bro is telling them that they have the day off. No beach battle! I am so disappointed, because beach battles are my favorite part.

Product time! Camp-out trailer thing. Squeals of joy!

Oh. Every one is back. This is… not what I expected.

ANASTASIA! The Queen returns.

Bad music interlude. They are having a beach day. And pretending to have fun. I just want a good time, too. Yes. Totally.

Malia and Anastasia are bonding again. They are getting catty about Tia’s barrel skills. I can’t believe anyone would come to the Kelly Slater wave pool without knowing how to barrel well. Hisssss.

The good news is, you don’t have to say good bye, Jesse the American jock bro tells them.

Some nefarious shenanigans are afoot! It seems that everyone is back and we are starting all over again. They do not do it this way in the Tour de France.

But as we established before, this ain’t the Tour de France, baby!

This is all very confusing. The six remaining surfers get to pick the teams for the wave challenge, which will involve some sort of surfing. But that comes later.

First, teams. So many options! So many decisions!

There is a girl drama, again! The men are getting frustrated. Everyone is so nervous about all these decisions they must make right now.

Anastasia is paired with Kai. She is worried. Everyone agrees that Kai is a good surfer. But the nerves! He does not have the Surf Ranch figured out, maybe this will be his day!

The others are… I’m not sure. So many names! I need a cheat sheet or something. Or maybe some flash cards. They all left, so I thought I could forget all about them! But then they came back. This is a very mean trick to play on my one remaining brain cell.

KELLY VISION!

The wild card moment! Fight your way back in, says Kelly. Scare the other competitors and impress the judges! Kelly is so looking forward to it.

Yes, Kelly, we are looking forward to it, too.

The Ultimate Surfer bikinis are back. They are… not cute. Please, could I have some cute bikinis. Please could I have this one nice thing.

Girl drama! Kayla wants to beat Anastasia no matter what!

Wild card wave challenge. Eliminated surfers have one more chance! They will be judged like a WSL heat. So, I guess do cool shit on the wave.

Luke is fired up! He hasn’t done his best surfing yet!

Heartbeat sound effect. I feel the intensity, for sure.

Good surfing from Luke Davis, actually. I did not hate it. Kayla, also fine! Everyone is super worried, because they did not expect this team to do well. Oh no!

More surfing.

Bruna, fell on the barrel. Dramatic reactions! Austin, where are you? Underwater, duh.

Falling in the barrel, so trendy!

For whatever reason, there is much backside surfing. I do not know why the producer people made that choice with this thing. But better them than me!

Tension! No one knows the scores!

Annnnnd, commercial. Dominos, yes, yes, I like pizza. For some reason, there are zebras running around in this Dominos ad. Seems strange, but who am I to ask questions?

I’m just a girl, sitting in front of my screen, waiting to find out who wins Ultimate Surfer.

Kayla and Luke, they back! ANASTASIA, she back!

Anastasia fell, but Kai carried their team through the challenge.

Anastasia surfs against Kayla tonight! MEOW.

Kai surfs against Luke.

I do not know if I can take the intensity right now.

A wildcard surf-off! It’s going to be so insane.

A dream match-up! Luke and Kai, they grew up together, says Turpel. Kai is the wild, wild card. Turpel, he loves wildcard stories so much!

Luke is surfing super nice, but I’m not sure what his back arm is doing. Does he?

Luke falls in the barrel, but he did stomp some turns. Who even knows how to score that? Fortunately, I don’t have to know. This gives me joy.

Kai has a chance! Turpel likes it. Like squeezing honey in your eyeballs, says Turpel. He is very excited about Kai’s wave, which had a very long barrel and some other stuff.

More drugs for sale. None of them look that fun, really.

Kayla is up and riding! Weird soundtrack. She’s surfing her butt off, says someone. But she did not barrel.

ANASTASIA! She got a good barrel. But she fell! Yikes.

We’re going to find out the scores now!

The men? High score was a nine. Women? A six. Less than a point separates the women. So stressful!

Oh, Kai wins! He made it back. I did not see that coming — and clearly, neither did he. Kai has figured out the Ranch. Watch out, bros!

Kayla, she back!

Malia is very sad now. She is the lone wolf! She should draw a wolf on her boards. That would actually be cool, and give her something to do, while the other girls scheme against here. All the girls hate Malia now. It’s going to be so hard for her.

The door is wide open for Tia to win the whole thing!

Are you team Tia or team Malia?

Bitches will be bitches!

And yes, of course, I’ll be back.

Tomorrow is another day!

A thorn between two roses!

The Ultimate Surfer’s “Queen Bitch” Anastasia Ashley on show’s wild behind-the-scenes bacchanal, the near mass drowning and persistent cancellation rumours!

Derek Rielly

By

A thorn between two roses!

Today’s guest on Dirty Water, Anastasia Ashley, thirty-three and from San Clemente, California, moves like a ballet prima donna through the rubbernecking surf crowd, a surfer, yes, but not, until recently, of the chase-the-tour sort. 

Years back, she hit one million followers on Instagram, men from every culture, religion etc, lavishing praise such as,

“That’s great small butt fat”,

“La plus belle femme du mode. Mon bebe. Ma vie. Je t’aime”,

“You’re hottest item of the moment”,

and,

breathing heavy,

“Please check your DMs.”

She is small and slim and her face is sharp, as pointed as the beak of a stork and with the mysterious beauty of things seasoned by storms. 

Anastasia has appeared in Sport’s Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue alongside Kate Upton and Chrissy Teigen, and has featured in Esquire magazine.

Some years ago, she twerked before her Supergirl Pro heat in Oceanside, ran it on youtube, and stole many millions of views. 

Lately, she has appeared as Queen Bitch on ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, a topic we peruse at length in this podcast along with an important discussion on Texas abortion law.

Pip Toledo (self portrait) at the old Pipeline.
Pip Toledo (self portrait) at the old Pipeline.

In impossible-to-see-coming bend, Filipe Toledo’s “huge scuffle” at Lower Trestles described as “no big deal” by high-powered surf industry executive who also added “that happens every day down there!”

Chas Smith

By

Is Lowers the new Pipeline?

Attention was violently ripped away from Momentum Generation star Kalani Robb’s Covid-19 diary, hours ago, when it was revealed that a “high-powered surf executive” described Filipe Toledo’s “huge scuffle” at Lower Trestles as “no big deal” while adding “that happens every day down there.”

You have certainly kept up to the minute with the latest development in this twisting and turning saga but as a quick refresher, just under a week ago, now, the current world number three likely faded a hot, young, sponsored junior.

The situation elevated to “crazy tense” levels when the hot young junior grabbed onto Toledo’s wetsuit, held on for the entire ride then ordered him to the beach at the end.

According to an eyewitness-adjacent source, Toledo complied.

In a pivot no one saw coming, Toledo’s daddy Ricardo came swinging into the fray the following day defending his son’s honor, declaring, “Impressive the amount of shit you talk to earn likes and move the ridiculous articles you post. This is a tremendous lie, it never happened and the worst thing a media can do is spread lies on their pages… and you are the experts at this, congratulations! That’s why I, and everyone around here, blocked you. Poor article, poor spirit…”

Ricardo later deleted his post but the fire continued to smolder overnight and, entirely unexpectedly, the next morning brought Brazilian surf fans who rounded on the anti-depressive surf website BeachGrit, accusing it of having an anti-Brazilian bias.

Authorities had hoped that the entire incident had cooled but were shocked when, hours ago, it exploded back to raging inferno with the high-powered surf industry executive’s words which seemed to normalize lineup violence, including, but not limited to, “huge scuffles” involving Filipe Toledo.

Is Lower Trestles truly a land-adjacent strip where the law of the jungle is the only governing force, World Surf League ranking be damned?

A perpetual open season?

The new Pipeline?

More as the story develops.

Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
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