The door is wide open for Tia to win the whole thing! Are you team Tia or team Malia? Bitches will be bitches!

In this episode: There is a big surprise, which I won’t ruin!

Also, some surfing.

Hi, hello. Yes, I’m back. You thought I would quit, didn’t you. Oh, she’ll last two or three episodes, then she’ll stop, you said. She is totally going to crack.

But no! I would never abandon you. We must somehow reach the finish of this thing together.

Once, and actually probably more than once, I wrote about every damn day of the Tour de France. That’s 21 days, in case you were wondering, which you totally were. I am here to tell you that there are a lot of lengthy stretches in the Tour de France where nothing much happens at all. I did not crack.

A mere reality television show? Child’s play.

Last week, some stuff happened. Really, I barely remember what I did yesterday, much less last week. I do know there are only three teams left. Mason and Bruna, two people I hadn’t really noticed, left last week.

Let us descend again into the demented world of the Ultimate Surfer.

Episode 5! “A little bit of this and a little bit of that.”

Presumably we will learn what this means soon enough.

Oh right, there was a pairs surfing thing last week. And they didn’t even wear cute spangly dresses, which was very disappointing. Also, Koa’s cheekbones survived another episode. I’m remembering it all now. I’m not sure if this remembering is good or bad.

Again, Koa is making a smoothie. Can we learn what Koa puts in his smoothie? Because this would be so helpful and servicey. I could learn how to make it and maybe I could be as good at surfing as Koa. That’s how it works, right?

We’re halfway! I did not know we were halfway.

The Jesse bro is telling them that they have the day off. No beach battle! I am so disappointed, because beach battles are my favorite part.

Product time! Camp-out trailer thing. Squeals of joy!

Oh. Every one is back. This is… not what I expected.

ANASTASIA! The Queen returns.

Bad music interlude. They are having a beach day. And pretending to have fun. I just want a good time, too. Yes. Totally.

Malia and Anastasia are bonding again. They are getting catty about Tia’s barrel skills. I can’t believe anyone would come to the Kelly Slater wave pool without knowing how to barrel well. Hisssss.

The good news is, you don’t have to say good bye, Jesse the American jock bro tells them.

Some nefarious shenanigans are afoot! It seems that everyone is back and we are starting all over again. They do not do it this way in the Tour de France.

But as we established before, this ain’t the Tour de France, baby!

This is all very confusing. The six remaining surfers get to pick the teams for the wave challenge, which will involve some sort of surfing. But that comes later.

First, teams. So many options! So many decisions!

There is a girl drama, again! The men are getting frustrated. Everyone is so nervous about all these decisions they must make right now.

Anastasia is paired with Kai. She is worried. Everyone agrees that Kai is a good surfer. But the nerves! He does not have the Surf Ranch figured out, maybe this will be his day!

The others are… I’m not sure. So many names! I need a cheat sheet or something. Or maybe some flash cards. They all left, so I thought I could forget all about them! But then they came back. This is a very mean trick to play on my one remaining brain cell.

KELLY VISION!

The wild card moment! Fight your way back in, says Kelly. Scare the other competitors and impress the judges! Kelly is so looking forward to it.

Yes, Kelly, we are looking forward to it, too.

The Ultimate Surfer bikinis are back. They are… not cute. Please, could I have some cute bikinis. Please could I have this one nice thing.

Girl drama! Kayla wants to beat Anastasia no matter what!

Wild card wave challenge. Eliminated surfers have one more chance! They will be judged like a WSL heat. So, I guess do cool shit on the wave.

Luke is fired up! He hasn’t done his best surfing yet!

Heartbeat sound effect. I feel the intensity, for sure.

Good surfing from Luke Davis, actually. I did not hate it. Kayla, also fine! Everyone is super worried, because they did not expect this team to do well. Oh no!

More surfing.

Bruna, fell on the barrel. Dramatic reactions! Austin, where are you? Underwater, duh.

Falling in the barrel, so trendy!

For whatever reason, there is much backside surfing. I do not know why the producer people made that choice with this thing. But better them than me!

Tension! No one knows the scores!

Annnnnd, commercial. Dominos, yes, yes, I like pizza. For some reason, there are zebras running around in this Dominos ad. Seems strange, but who am I to ask questions?

I’m just a girl, sitting in front of my screen, waiting to find out who wins Ultimate Surfer.

Kayla and Luke, they back! ANASTASIA, she back!

Anastasia fell, but Kai carried their team through the challenge.

Anastasia surfs against Kayla tonight! MEOW.

Kai surfs against Luke.

I do not know if I can take the intensity right now.

A wildcard surf-off! It’s going to be so insane.

A dream match-up! Luke and Kai, they grew up together, says Turpel. Kai is the wild, wild card. Turpel, he loves wildcard stories so much!

Luke is surfing super nice, but I’m not sure what his back arm is doing. Does he?

Luke falls in the barrel, but he did stomp some turns. Who even knows how to score that? Fortunately, I don’t have to know. This gives me joy.

Kai has a chance! Turpel likes it. Like squeezing honey in your eyeballs, says Turpel. He is very excited about Kai’s wave, which had a very long barrel and some other stuff.

More drugs for sale. None of them look that fun, really.

Kayla is up and riding! Weird soundtrack. She’s surfing her butt off, says someone. But she did not barrel.

ANASTASIA! She got a good barrel. But she fell! Yikes.

We’re going to find out the scores now!

The men? High score was a nine. Women? A six. Less than a point separates the women. So stressful!

Oh, Kai wins! He made it back. I did not see that coming — and clearly, neither did he. Kai has figured out the Ranch. Watch out, bros!

Kayla, she back!

Malia is very sad now. She is the lone wolf! She should draw a wolf on her boards. That would actually be cool, and give her something to do, while the other girls scheme against here. All the girls hate Malia now. It’s going to be so hard for her.

The door is wide open for Tia to win the whole thing!

Are you team Tia or team Malia?

Bitches will be bitches!

And yes, of course, I’ll be back.

Tomorrow is another day!

A thorn between two roses!

Today’s guest on Dirty Water, Anastasia Ashley, thirty-three and from San Clemente, California, moves like a ballet prima donna through the rubbernecking surf crowd, a surfer, yes, but not, until recently, of the chase-the-tour sort. 

Years back, she hit one million followers on Instagram, men from every culture, religion etc, lavishing praise such as,

“That’s great small butt fat”,

“La plus belle femme du mode. Mon bebe. Ma vie. Je t’aime”,

“You’re hottest item of the moment”,

and,

breathing heavy,

“Please check your DMs.”

She is small and slim and her face is sharp, as pointed as the beak of a stork and with the mysterious beauty of things seasoned by storms. 

Anastasia has appeared in Sport’s Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue alongside Kate Upton and Chrissy Teigen, and has featured in Esquire magazine.

Some years ago, she twerked before her Supergirl Pro heat in Oceanside, ran it on youtube, and stole many millions of views. 

Lately, she has appeared as Queen Bitch on ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, a topic we peruse at length in this podcast along with an important discussion on Texas abortion law.

"The last thing Tim said to me before he walked out that door for the last time was 'I love you two'. He kissed me and my tummy goodbye."

The surfer killed by a Great White shark on the NSW mid north coast yesterday, Father’s Day, has been revealed as Timothy Thompson, a newly married thirty one year old who was about to become a father for the first time.

Thompson was surfing Shelly Beach, at the northern end of Coffs Harbour’s Look At Me Headland there, when was hit by the White.

A witness described the scene,

“I was out in the surf and I heard screaming, I paddled further out to the water and saw a man without an arm, there was lots of blood. He was shouting ‘help me’ — people were trying to get him out to the shore.”

Surfers helped Thompson to the beach, used a makeshift tourniquet and performed CPR while they waited for a critical care doctor to be winched to the beach from a helicopter.

Head paramedic attending the scene Chris Wilson wept as he spoke to media.

“A male in his approximate late 20s, sustained significant injuries to his upper body, which has resulted in major bl — I can’t even say that… “

Thompson’s wife, Kate, wrote on Facebook.

Timothy Thompson, My Husband, My Best Friend and Baby Daddy has been taken from this world. To say I’m heart broken would be an understatement. I’m just waiting for someone to tell me this isn’t real.

All I know right now is that I have no choice but to keep going, because I have a little piece of you growing in me. My heart aches for our baby who will never get to meet you. You would of been the best daddy. I promise to tell our baby everyday how amazing their daddy was, how you never spoke a bad word about anybody, how kind and caring you were and most importantly how much you loved that little bubba growing in my tummy. The last thing Tim said to me before he walked out that door for the last time was “I love you two”. He kissed me and my tummy goodbye.

Never in a million years did I think I would be doing life without you. Life can be tragic and unfair, but I take some comfort knowing how loved Tim was by everyone, the time we did have together was amazing and full of adventures. I am incredibly blessed that we met and our love story gets to live on with our baby 💕
To the people who have reached out or even just had us in their thoughts I can’t thank you enough for your support.

To the crew of surfers down at the beach, thank you for being brave, getting him to shore and for doing whatever you could to try and save him. Thank you to the first responders, paramedics and lastly the westpac rescue helicopter thank you. You were Tim’s favourite charity. He would always donate whatever cash we had and say “I hope I never need you”. Well, turns out he did need you and you were there. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how grateful I am that you all tried your best for him.

I hope Timmy is up there doing what he loves surfing the best barrels and watching over us.

May he Rest In Peace.

Cuddle your loved ones that little bit tighter and tell them you love them. It’s what Timmy would tell us to do in times like these.

Thompson was the sixth surfer to be killed by a Great White shark since June, 2020, a little over a year.

Nothing to worry about, nothing to see, more likely to be killed by a bee, lightning, car etc.

Click here to throw a few shekels at the funeral costs and to help Katie with the baby. 

RIP:

Timothy Thompson, 31, hit by Great White, killed, September 5, 2021, 

Mark Sanguinetti, 59, hit by Great White, killed, Tuncurry, NSW, May 18, 2021.

Andrew Sharpe, 52, hit by a Great White at Kelpies in Esperance, October 9, 2020. Never seen again.

Nick Slater, 46, hit, killed by a Great White at the Supabank, Queensland, September 8, 2020.

Mani Hart-Deville, 15, hit, killed by a Great White, Wooli Beach, NSW, July 11, 2020.

Rob Pedretti, 60, hit, killed, by a Great white, Salt Beach, NSW, June 7, 2020.

Another brother lost… 

You lost count of the surfers killed by Great Whites in Australia in the past, say, year or so?

And these are attacks on surfers, not swimmers, divers or a lil kid on a Tassie fishing boat.

(And it don’t include attacks that didn’t kill the surfer, like Joe Hoffman, the twenty-five-year-old shredder whose arm was destroyed by a Great White at Crescent Head in July.)

Let’s count ‘em.

Yesterday, unnamed surfer, in this twenties, dead on the beach after a Great White hit at Shelly Beach, Coffs Harbour, a little south of Byron Bay.

Mark Sanguinetti, 59, hit by Great White, killed, Tuncurry, NSW, May 18, 2021.

Andrew Sharpe, 52, hit by a Great White at Kelpies in Esperance, October 9, 2020. Never seen again.

Nick Slater, 46, hit, killed by a Great White at the Supabank, Queensland, September 8, 2020.

Mani Hart-Deville, 15, hit, killed by a Great White, Wooli Beach, NSW, July 11, 2020.

Rob Pedretti, 60, hit, killed, by a Great white, Salt Beach, NSW, June 7, 2020.

You see a pattern? No?

Yes?

Before yesterday’s hit gets lost in a fog of shrugged shoulders and smug pronouncements that humans don’t belong in the ocean, let’s read what the grim reality of a Great White attack is like from the perspective of observers who saw the attack, saw the aftermath.

“I was out in the surf and I heard screaming, I paddled further out to the water and saw a man without an arm, there was lots of blood. He was shouting ‘help me’ — people were trying to get him out to the shore.”

“I saw paramedics performing CPR on him for about an hour and a half trying to save them.”

“It didn’t look good. I’ve been surfing for 22 years on Emerald Beach and there’s never been an attack in my knowledge like this. I really feel for the dude’s family — it’s a popular beach. I’ll get back in water but not for a while.”

A weeping paramedic,

“A male in his approximate late 20s, sustained significant injuries to his upper body, which has resulted in major bl — I can’t even say that… It was a devastating for everybody on the beach this morning.  A number of local surfers and bystanders came to the aid of this man, they were incredibly brave in a very challenging situation.”