"Unlikely to be any miraculous recovery."

The popular Sunshine Coast surfer Joe Hoffman, who was attacked by a ten-foot Great White at Crescent Head on July 5, ain’t one to complain.

In between thirty hours of surgeries, Joe told his ol boy Bill that he was “glad it was me and not one of the young kids out there.”

Surgeons expect Joe, who is twenty-five and whose arm was mauled from the wrist to his bicep, will, at best, only regain a limited use of his right arm, if at all.

“Everything was destroyed,” Bill told the Murdoch press in his only interview. “His body as he knew it won’t return.”

Leg nerves have been transplanted to his arm, a vein taken from a foot, a piece of artery replaced.

“Rehab is going to be lengthy and it’s going to ask a lot of questions of him. He’s got a big challenge in front of him. They’ve borrowed bits from all over his body (to repair his arm),” said Bill, adding his kid isn’t one for killing Whites,

“There is absolutely no shark hate in our family, Joe accepts that surfers enter their environment. We’re always aware of their presence and the risk of injury is slight. He was brought up in the surf 400m from our family home. People who don’t want to surf with sharks should go to a wave pool.”

A GoFundMe page set up to help cover Joe’s cost post-recovery, this being Australia costs ain’t as catastrophic as the US, has so far raised $61,000 with a seventy-k goal. 

Gross.

As things happen on the Amalfi coast, my wonderful friend Josh left his sunglasses at a cliff-side restaurant called Atrani.

We had all shared a fabulous dinner the night before, low-warm seafood starter, various risottos and pastas, a chilled bottle of white wine then dinghied out to our yacht firmly anchored. The next morning, as the Italian sun rose and bathed the green-brown cliffs and and pink-yellow homes in splendor we stood on the deck and enjoyed except for Josh who stood and squinted.

After a quick search, it was determined that his glasses had been left at the restaurant.

A phone call confirmed and there we were dinghying to its base which had a rock pool just above the sea and various lounges on staggered rock decks. The pool manager did not wish for us to tie up and so I jumped into the cool blue with Euros clenched in my teeth to be used for ice.

That water is so remarkably clean and clear as to boggle the mind.

It is perfect water very much unlike the water off Los Angeles, which just received a massive sewage dump that officials did not inform the public for many hours leading to many happy beach goers unwittingly swimming in filth.

According to The Los Angeles Times, “The delay occurred even though officials from the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health, which is responsible for notifying the public, were at the Hyperion Water Reclamation Plant in Playa del Rey during the emergency discharge procedure that began Sunday evening and ended Monday around 4:30 a.m., according to interviews.”

Julio Rodriguez, a captain with the county Fire Department Lifeguard Division at Dockweiler Beach, told The Los Angeles Times that his brave men and women found out about the beach closure around noon — after seeing a county worker posting a sign on a lifeguard tower.

“That’s how we received official notification of the closure of the beaches,” he said, likely feeling sad about all the filth swimming that had occurred on his watch.

Los Angeles County Supervisor Janice Hahn, also likely feeling sad, released a statement reading, “What happened yesterday was unacceptable and irresponsible. We need answers from L.A. City Sanitation about what went wrong and led to this massive spill, but we also need to recognize that L.A. County Public Health did not effectively communicate with the public and could have put swimmers in danger.”

Gross.

I retrieved Josh’s sunglasses, in any case, and the waiter gave me two bags of ice free of charge.

La dolce vittoria.

A new proposal from the Michigan Parks and Recreation Division would prevent swimming at state beaches on “Red Flag” days, or essentially, the only days with rideable surf out on the Lakes.

Surfing in Michigan is hard.

A lot harder than renting a wetsuit and foamie on the boardwalk in Southern California.

A requisite perfect combination of an endless array of variables to do anything resembling sliding.

And more often than not you’re on the wrong side of the lake.

But the Great Lakes can produce magical, albeit fleeting, moments. Chest-high wedges with twenty-knot winds. Offshore runners. Facial hair freezing to your face.

Those moments may become even more fleeting.

A new proposal from the Michigan Parks and Recreation Division would prevent swimming at state beaches on “Red Flag” days, or essentially, the only days with rideable surf out on the Lakes.

The proposal would prevent “individuals from exiting a state managed beach area when entry is prohibited.”

The punishment would likely carry a fine of $500.

Per the Great Lakes Surf Rescue Project, there were 108 drownings on the Great Lakes last year.

According to Ron Olson, Chief of Parks and Recreation for the Department of Natural Resources, “We think it’s a good tool to have for us to draw a hard line to reduce the potential hazard. When it gets to red we know that the waves are going to be three-to-four-plus in height and the winds are blowing at a certain amount which means it becomes more treacherous.”

Surfers are particularly concerned about the proposal.

Ryan Gerard, a local surf shop owner in Michigan, said “This ban would effectively erase the opportunity [to surf] for all . . . people, including me.”

Coastal access is tricky in Michigan. Most of the coastline is privately owned, only thirty percent is public according to a report published by Coastal Management.

Other groups have similarly expressed concern about the proposal.

The Michigan United Conservation Clubs fear the proposal could “lead to a slippery slope.” They also point out that many of the drownings would not have been prevented by the policy; most were boating accidents and instances when individuals were swept off piers and beaches.

It’s also important to note that most of the year the Lakes are too cold to swim in, let alone wade, without a (thick) wetsuit.

While well intended, the proposal is the product of overzealous bureaucrats who fundamentally do not understand how to address the issue.

Like using an axe to open an envelope.

Neither John John Florence nor Carissa Moore are “eager to discuss” their views on appropriation.

The morning sun is gently caressing old Amalfi town.

Italians going about their day Italian-like, drinking espresso, driving motor scooters, gesticulating.

The dolce vita made for them, by them, and observing from the water, so wonderfully and wholly theirs.

Not like surfing which has been laid bare in a devastating Associated Press exposé.

Culturally appropriated by whites, twisted in into ugly financial instrument benefiting only them and soon to be on a sneering, ugly, white display in its grand Olympic debut.

Very uncool.

Author Sally Ho dives into Hawaii’s history, how white missionaries came and stole the land and outlawed surfing but then also stole surfing and smuggled it back to dirty California. She discusses how the surf industry, based there, juices the interlopers and how frustrating that is for native Hawaiians, Hawaiian historian and activist Isaiah Helekunihi Walker telling her, “You had Native Hawaiians in the background being a part of the development of it and just not being really recognized. There’s an element of them taking over. That’s when there’s no more aloha.”

What is most interesting in the piece, though, is her chatting, or attempting to chat, with those directly involved in surfing’s Olympic debut.

She writes that neither John John Florence nor Carissa Moore are “eager to discuss” their views on appropriation. Florence goes entirely silent. Moore says she wears the Hawaiian flag on her heart.

Tatiana Weston-Webb goes full denial. “I don’t think that (Hawaiians) are being overshadowed. It just depends on how you look at the situation.”

International Surfing Association chief Fernando Aguerre declares, “Everything we do has a connection to Hawaii. I think it’s impossible to detach Hawaiianness from surfing. The ocean doesn’t really care about hate, war or governments. Surfing is that way, too,” before telling the author he named his son after Duke Kahanamoku.

She ends the piece thusly:

Didi Robello, a descendant of Kahanamoku, said none of his family members have been contacted to participate in any Olympic celebrations. He said his grand-uncle’s name and legacy are exploited, which has become a great source of pain for the family because the trademark rights to the Kahanamoku name are owned by outsiders. “We’re getting ripped off,” Robello said. “It’s embarrassing.”

The dolce imbarazzante.

"The terminology can also be important especially if words such as 'attacks prompt people to demand culls of what are already often protected animals."

Coming off the back of Australia’s deadliest year of Great White attacks in ninety years and two surfers hit by Whites in 2021, the ink barely dry on the death certificate of one, it may surprise that authorities in Queensland and NSW are moving to extinguish the use of the word “attack”.

At a shark symposium at Noosa in May, a senior Queensland offical told attendees the state gov would preference “bites” over “attacks.”

And, in NSW, the Department of Primary Industries now prefers to use “incidents” or “interactions.”

Surfer hit by fifteen-foot White, leg destroyed, dies on beach? Incident.

Surfer disappeared by twenty-foot White, never seen again? Incident.

As explained in the Fairfax Press,

The choice of words can be potent since public fears about beach safety can be inflamed by alarmist language by politicians and the media, said Leonardo Guida, a shark researcher at the Australian Marine Conservation Society, who attended the May gathering hosted by the Noosa Biosphere Reserve Foundation.

A change in language matters “because it helps dispel inherent assumptions that sharks are ravenous, mindless man-eating monsters”, Dr Guida said.

“We sat up at the mention,” said Lawrence Chlebeck, a marine campaigner with Humane Society International, who added he later approached the official and her boss. “I congratulated them for their change of terminology.”

The terminology can also be important especially if words such as “attacks” prompt people to demand culls of what are already often protected animals. Shark numbers are globally in decline because of over-fishing, pollution and the increasing impacts of climate change, including around Australia.

And, you, my ol friends?

You think we should stop calling shark attacks “attacks” ’cause it might adversely affect peoples opinions of Great Whites?