New Zealand to increase fines for recalcitrant surfers breaking lockdown laws from $300 to a staggering $4000, “Lockdown is bringing out the toxicity in people as they narc on each other. It’s f%$king gross!” says country’s most-loved surfer.

Road blocks out of Auckland, wildly punitive fines!

Last Friday, the New Zealand government’s velvet fist slammed down even harder on any recalcitrant citizens when it increased the on-the-spot fine for going surfing, not wearing a mask etc, from three-hundred dollars to a staggering four gees. 

(Yesterday, you saw the heart-warming moment a surfer slowed down to allow a cop to catch him for shredding during Auckland’s level four lockdown laws just before the new fines came into effect. He was lucky to get stiffed for only three c-notes in hindsight.)

If you wanna be clever and take ‘em to court you could end up twelve gees in the hole. 

Running the road block fifty clicks out of Auckland to surf Raglan or whatever will cost twelve thou, up from four and you might also get six months in the hole. 

Y’see, what’s been happening is Auckland has been in what they call level four lockdown – sitting in your house and counting the grains of sand in the carpet is about the only thing still legal – while the rest of the country enjoys the relative freedom of level two, surfing, takeaway coffees etc. 

Luke Cederman, the pro-ish surfer, comedian, star of our Once Upon a Time in New Zealand wetsuit film, the screw-footed king of NZ’s most famous lefthand point and proprietor of the Instagram account @raglandsurfreport, has been stuck on Waiheke island in Auckland for the past five weeks after a mistimed visit to see his girlfriend. 

He got in. Door was slammed.

Figured he’d be okay for a couple of weeks. But a couple of weeks turned, as they do, into a perpetual cycle of maybe next week’ll be “freedom day” etc.

Cederman’s two hours drive from Raglan, where he lives, but ‘cause of the lockdown he hasn’t been able to move. 

“They’ve got a very heavily guarded border set up,” says Cederman. “Only people with essential worker permits can actually cross over.” 

Three days ago, he had only his second surf in two months. 

“It was shit, this place is just shit, doesn’t get any swell. I had a twin-fin foamie, wearing boardies, and it’s pretty much still winter. I had to get out there, you know how it is,” he says, although he does admit, “I surf fuck-all anyway. I’m terrible. Still, it’s not nice not being able to do it. The most painful thing is, being stuck in level four and then everyone else in the rest of the country is scoring epic waves. Anyone who is in the Auckland area couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t surf. Couldn’t go anywhere.” 

And, of course, this being the era of citizen-policing, snitches everywhere recording suddenly illegal activities with telephones, the police were quickly called. 

“After I surfed, the cops came down and warned all the guys. But the cops are just more pissed for with the narcs calling up, dobbing in al the surfers.” 

Although he sorta likes the simplicity of lockdown, the slowness of it all, he don’t dig the way it “brings out the toxicity in people. People narcing on each is fucking gross.” 

There’s a little good news for Auckland surfers.

Today, level four got dialled down to level three, which means, if you shred, you can surf your local break.

“Whatever that means,” says Cederman. “I can’t really claim Raglan any more. I’m a bit worried. I’ll turn up somewhere for a surf and get called out, ‘What the fuck are you doing here, mate?’” 

So far, in NZ, COVID has infected 4119 people for a total of 27 stiffs.