The title stays in Brazil!
(This story was originally slated to appear as a comment
beneath the latest Medina story but was scooped out of Disqus by
moderator Negatron.)
35. Joao Chianca
Someone had to be here.
34. Lucca Mesinas
Have only watched videos of him going left.
33. Liam O’Brien
Irish-sounding named, Australian Rook who got some ‘CT
experience last year at Rottnest, where he surfed ra… he surfed.
Joey said something like he wanted to be a physicist or something,
which would be great, squaring up his surfing ability with his
profession. Too harsh? Of course, but the only other thing I could
think of to say about him was something about the potato famine and
him having to survive the time eating a steady diet of rats and
nettles, which is all he could muster.
32. Jake Marshall
Who was the last decent ‘CT’er from San Diego County? Taylor
Knox? Machado? He’s neither of them.
31. Callum Robson
Husky dude with flailing arms, which I could see the judges not
penalizing, but also not getting into.
30. Jackson Baker
Looks like a thumb. Like other Tour thumbs before him (StuKen,
Adam Melling, Drew Courtney), he’ll end the year lowly rated
(probably cut), forced to requalify via the Challenger Series.
29. Jadson Andre
Charges and seems like a cool guy. Rank style, but like that
he’s on Tour. Hopefully he can do better than this (not make the
cut, mind you, but maybe be near it).
28. Connor O’Leary
Had a good rookie year, but hasn’t been able to get it together
on Tour. Kinda hoping he doesn’t, it being pretty funny to read
Bicko rave about him when he’s doing shit.
27. Caio Ibelli
Replacement surfer for Gabe. Thank God he’s not Mikey Wright,
who if still around I’d rank dead last, easily.
26. Owen Wright
Ranked this highly for the bronze in Japan and his potential
performance at the Pipeline.
25. Carlos Munoz
Costa Rican Kelly Slater or something. DLS thinks he’s great.
Don’t know, as my skills at rating surfers, as should be apparent,
are negligible.
24. Miguel Pupo
Thing 1 will probably end up rated low.
23. Ryan Callinan
Hurt and I forgot about him.
22. Zeke Lau
Might want to try boosting his median heat score above 11, where
he has generally been on Tour, otherwise we’ll see him have to
Challenger Series again. Not everyone can be a Top-20 surfer.
21. Imaikalani deVault
Looks like he rips. Hopefully better than the second coming of
Roy Powers.
20. Samuel Pupo
Younger brother to Thing 1… that’s all I got.
19. Ethan Ewing
A
ndy reincarnate he’s not. Still waiting to see what all the hype
was/is about.
18. Deivid Silva
Nice backhand attack. Should be plenty of rights to keep him on
Tour.
17. Nat Young
Freckled face devil spawn from Santa Cruz, hopefully Natty
breaks out and ends the year higher than this, if only to have
people get frustrated and use him as an example of someone who is
overrated by judges. Like Daeiouiavid, should be plenty of rights
for him to stay on.
16. Leonardo Fioravanti
Leo is blah. Would be way cooler to learn that he had brothers
named Donatello, Raphael, and Michaelangelo.
15. K-Hole Andino
Still looking for that elusive first win… will probably still be
waiting. Rated lowly due to me needing to place him somewhere.
14. Kanoa Igarshi
2021 was a year of semi-fulfilled opportunities for Mr. Japan,
him having placed in the Top 10 and winning silver at the Olympics.
Bet he was wishing to do more. The chance of becoming a global
superstar could dwindle if he does poorly early. If that happens,
we can only wish that we’d witness a claim from him where he
screams and punches himself in the face for all of us.
13. Conner Coffin
Surprise Top 5 finalist. Looking for him to fall back a little
bit, but should remain on Tour, entertaining all the folks with his
Live Musical Performance at Trestles brought to you by Fermensch
Kombucha and b-Vibe Butt Plugs, where he will perform his version
of Steal My Kisses to a bunch of zealous OC white people.
12. Frederico Morais
Seems about right. Not a Top-fiver (I was hoping through Barra
that he’d somehow qualify for the Final at Trestles), but judges
like his surfing.
11. Seth Moniz.
Phenomenal body.
10. Jack Robinson
Seth and Jack should benefit from better waves on Tour this
year, rather than having to surf garbage Australian beachbreaks all
year. Would have put Jack higher, except I can’t trust that he’s
going to be able to put everything together. Barra was encouraging
last year and hopefully not an anomaly, but… nothing.
9. Morgan Cibilic
What a year 2021 ended up being for Little Morgan: a Top 5
finish! A surprising performance for not really going to the air.
Like compatriot Liam, Morgan surfs simply, feasting on a diet of
cutbacks, off-the-tops, and bottom turns, which are not a move.
Unlike Liam, Morgs rips, really sinking his teeth into waves,
devouring them as if he were sampling his favorite willow or maple
bark. Rated lower than he placed last year just because.
8. Griffin Colapinto
Griff finished just outside the Top 5 last year because he
boofed Barra. No matter, he would’ve been pulverized by Fil or Gabe
anyway. Well-rounded and seemingly never suffering from
constipation, Griff could do really well this year, so well that
this ranking might be criminal by year’s end, but the people ahead
of him have other things going for them…
7. Yago Dora
“Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the
number 2 does not imply in any way that he’s inferior to Thing 1.”
He’s better.
6. Jordan Michael Smith
“
This is Jordy’s year!” Everyone, every year.
Still, getting
older, I can see the judges breaking down enough for him to get his
own Joel Parkinson Lifetime Achievement Award World Title.
5. Gabriel Medina
Before opting out of Pipe, Gabe ranked Number 1 in these
rankings (still, he probably should), but has been bumped down a
little based on the uncertainty around when he is coming back. His
surfing has always been more important in a jersey than outside of
it, so it is a little disorienting to know that he will not be
competing. Still, let’s hope he gets back and smites everyone down
to re-claim his throne.
4. Italo Ferreira
Easily the most exciting surfer on Tour, Ike could prove to be a
big beneficiary of Gabe dropping off Tour. The absence of a clearly
superior Gabe in barreling, hollow lefts, while also probably
boosting backsiders, could potentially make Ike’s surfing more
appealing to the judges, as he will be the preeminent goofy on Tour
with no real comparison on Tour. Without being compared to Gabe,
Ferreira will look better.
3. John John Florence
If these rankings were based only on skill and ability, JJF
would rank first, easily. At full-strength, as we saw in 2017 and
the first half of 2019, John John is nearly unbeatable.
Unfortunately, despite his focus on wellness and fitness, he
appears to be injury prone, missing time each of the last three
seasons due to a broken body. If only the Whoop bracelet could keep
your knees from exploding…
2. Kelly Slater
Based purely on the amount of discussion he evokes around
himself and whatever else the fuck he wants to talk about, Kelly is
the most important surfer in the world. Unfortunately, potentially
missing the Australian events, we might not see Jimmy too long on
Tour this year in the water. No matter, that probably just means
we’ll get to see more of that bulbous snout on-screen as part of
the call-ins during the contests for faded pros, which Kelly is
not, least of all in his own mind.
1. Filipe Toledo
The 2022 World Champion of the Finals at Lower Trestles.
