Furious monkeys.

COVID lockdowns blamed for savage monkey wars at iconic Bali surf spot Uluwatu following discovery of “rare and sacred” white monkey near death!

Usually existing in peaceful co-existence with the local people and the tourists, these simian range wars have been due to the disastrous effects of the global pandemic lockdown

A rare and sacred white monkey was discovered covered in wounds last month in Pecatu Village, South Kuta.

That’s Uluwatu, by the way.

Most people in the area consider this rare white monkey as the sacred manifestation of Hanuman, the clever hero of their religious folklore.

And the death or even minor injuries to this primate forebode disaster for the village.

And it seems they were right about the disaster part.

The white monkey suffered these injuries in clashes between the seven separate troupes of monkeys that inhabit the area surrounding Uluwatu. Usually existing in peaceful co-existence with the local people and the tourists, these simian range wars have been due to the disastrous effects of the global pandemic lockdown

The ever-present monkeys are usually both the delight and the bane of travelers with their clever thieving ways (The monkeys, not the tourists). But during the Covid era the marauding primates have had to rely on means other than the easy pickin’s from the tourists and the temple caretakers who feed them.

Emboldened by the lack of the usual human presence, the troupes have been forced to organize territorial raids on each others resources and on private villas in the area. Clearing the fruit off the trees of properties and anything else they could make off with. Outdoor picnics became primary targets in many neighborhoods.

Home invasions have been reported by a number of cliffside residents who have open plan villas or have left their dwelling windows and doors open.

One Aussie surfer returned to his rental villa and found “that they had opened my fridge and were having a hell of good time. Thank God they left the beer”.

To surfers, these wild monkeys have been an integral part of the Uluwatu experience. From the time of Morning of the Earth to our current days, the kinship surfers share with these animals is easy to see.

It was surfers who created the tourist industry of the Bukit Peninsula, changing the wild, natural monkey culture forever. And the ever-present monkeys, seemingly as carefree and as focused on simple pleasures as the surfers themselves, have always lent an exotic vibe to the cosmic tropical freedom that all surfers seek in Bali.

The good news is that extremely rare, and badly wounded white monkey has been captured and treated and is healing from his last campaign.

With tourist numbers rising as fast as a fever, a ceasefire agreement has apparently been established between the monkey troupes and new territorial boundaries have been agreed upon.

It seems it is time for all the monkeys of the Uluwatu area to heal from the wages of war.

And look to a brighter future as surfers pour back in and contribute to the balance that is so vital to the island’s culture.

Peace has fallen once again upon Uluwatu and the harmonious, if unspoken, agreements between man and beast are once again moving in greased grooves.

Says one village leader “I know the recovery of the white monkey is a positive sign. I hope we can all rise up together, the surfers, the monkey’s, the waves and us, and that the economy will come back and that all of us can recover from the disastrous conditions we have suffered”.

Get off my wave reserve, you leashless, mid-length riding sonofabitch.

New study wrongly suggests protecting waves will lead to utopia of ocean conservation, economic prosperity and human well-being!

Authors of new study forget the power of the surfer's lizard brain…

How much combined time have you put into dreaming about surfing? Into planning trips? Into sitting at airports and in airplanes and rental cars and chartered boats?

Into actually being in the water?

And, of course, into commenting on BG?

Months? Years?

Does that carry an impact?

The servers to power our phones and computers run on fossil fuels, let alone the freshwater pulled from riverine ecosystems needed to keep those servers cool.

The CO2 emissions of a cross-planet flight and diesel for ferries and boat rides or jetting off to a wave pool in the middle of Texas add their load to driving ice melt and ocean acidification, leading inexorably to those things we love eventually being destroyed.

We may not be able to have our cake, and eat it, too.

And, don’t even think about material footprints for boards, baggies, and wetsuits (unless you’re wealthy enough to afford all the “green” versions of those, which means you’re also probably taking two or five trips a year to catch waves, thus offsetting any positive impact of those consumer choices).

When younger, I was naïve to think all surfers cared about the above issues, that a wave rider’s connection to Ma Ocean and Church of Open Sky meant they intrinsically cared about the environment.

Then I found the BG community.

But hope, possibly, may still exist.

A just published study in Trends in Ecology & Evolution by Grégoire Touron-Gardic and Pierre Failler, titled A bright future for wave reserves? suggests that, per the highlighted opening, “Wave reserves, initially aimed at protecting surf spots, are becoming a way to ensure the conservation of coastal areas that are of great ecological and economic value. They foster local development and contribute to countries’ achievements toward international objectives. Several projects to implement large wave reserves are on their way.”

The authors point out that surfers have a long history of mobilizing to protect waves; that contests draw in tourists; and that tourist activities at key US surf spots generate in excess of $10 million, annually.

More importantly, they point out that, “As 90% of world-class wave locations occur within marine biodiversity hotspots and more than a quarter are located near key biodiversity areas, there is a direct link between biodiversity and wave conservation.”

Their research suggests more reserves will be proposed and become legally protected in the years to come, in large part because of their magic pudding of conservation, economic prosperity and  human well-being.

It should be noted, however, that the authors do not discuss larger trajectories ie what happens to breaks, even protected ones, which get overcrowded within 10 to 20 years.

The authors forget that surfers are selfish and greedy and that a pristine discovery does not stay that way for long.

This also creates local haves and have-nots, leading to infighting in the local community.

So, what do you think?

But first, let’s be honest — any of us with a crystal ball would have bought up acres and acres of coastal property the world over, seeing how many people want to surf in the 2020s.

Outcome? We would’ve protected ’em for our selfish use or we would’ve sold it all and become fantastically rich.

So, are wave reserves gonna lead to the protection of marine ecosystems and economic mobility for local stewards?

Or is this study too rose-tinted, and wave reserves either cater to the rich and entitled (looking at you, mud boy Parko), further making surfing an even more entitled privilege?

Revealed: Australian surf shop allegedly includes pamphlets on “surf etiquette” when selling 8-foot-plus surfboards to adult learners!


So there I was, minding my own business, thinking about surf champion Joel Parkinson and his interaction with TikTokers when I stumbled upon yet another story of an elderly writer deciding to take up surfing for the first time and meticulously detailing the journey.

These tales have become ubiquitous in these, the Covid days of our lives, but I am a surf journalist, dedicated to my craft so read each and every for you.

This one, titled ‘Never, ever look down’: a middle-aged guide to catching waves began thusly:

A group of surfers riding the break is a quintessential image of Australian summer. I have wished I could be out there on a board with them for as long as I can remember.

As a youngster I learned to ride skateboards, boogie boards and to ski. But learning to surf – especially now, on the wrong side of 50 – seemed out of reach. Still, on a four-week break in a seaside town, I decided to try anyway.

The man at the Golden Breed store in Noosa Heads suggested a board that was long, wide and light enough to carry. I told myself that the shop was some sort of sign, as my first skateboard, circa 1979, had also been from Golden Breed.

A month’s rental cost about $350, but buying a board was about $400. So I left the store with a new, 8ft 4in “foamie” named Darkhorse, and a pamphlet on surf etiquette.

A quick internet search after my purchase told me Darkhorse featured reinforced polyethylene to give “stiffness and durability”, and was “designed to withstand heavy Hawaiian conditions”. None of which I really needed. Or so I thought.


A pamphlet on surf etiquette?

The piece meandered on, I assume, but this business about handing out surf etiquette pamphlets derailed my reading.

What, do you think, was included?

And might we worm our way in and help provide better information a la Tyler Durden?

Something to also think about during the momentary break in Joel Parkinson vs. mini-adult news.

Secret journals reveal California’s great hope for its first world surfing title in 32 years was riddled with self-doubt in lead-up to debut victory in Portugal, “I feel like a little kid not knowing my place. I have bad self-talk and mind movies of myself losing!”

"One of my life purposes is to show and hopefully inspire vulnerability."

Six days ago, Californian surfer Griffin Colapinto shocked surf fans by beating the world’s sharpest surfer in waves waist-high and under at the MEO Pro Portugal.

Colapinto, who is twenty-three, beat two-time world champ John John Florence in his semi-final before besting Filipe Toledo in the final. Kelly Slater and Kolohe Andino were scalped in earlier heats. 

His bulletproof confidence shown through the event, one in which he would rule as lord and master, has now been revealed as a chimera after Colapinto released two pages of his event diary today. 

Under the heading Portugal Feels, Colapinto writes, 

“I have had mixed feelings about this contest. At 1st I think I’m going to do good then when I’m in the water I feel like a little kid not knowing my place. It’s been hard trying my different equipment not quite sure what I’m going to ride in the contests. I’ve also noticed myself having bad self-talk and mind movies of myself losing in the contest. My surfing feels inconsistent. I may be making this feel too much about the contest when the funnest things are away from it that I do with our crew and friends. I will make the fun stuff in-between what I am here for. The contest can be a bonus.

“I think about being back on the Challenger Series and what other people will think of me. The bottom line is I determine my happiness. Not what other people think. My pursuit for my World Title is a game I’m playing with myself, to see what I’m capable of.” 

Colapinto expanded upon the themes of self-doubt and not living under self-deception in the message page. 

I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to post these journal writings but I remembered that one of my life purposes is to show and hopefully inspire vulnerability. You’ll notice the vulnerability in my spelling and hand writing;) hehe I Did these writings about a quarter of the way through our Portugal trip and a day before the contest started. It’s pretty nuts what the mind will throw at you when you’re under pressure. I feel one of the best ways to handle it, is to get it out of your head and on to paper. Although the hardest part is being truly honest with your self. You really gotta ask yourself a question like, “Am I feeling confident going into this?” If you feel the friction in your stomach when you ask yourself this question then you probably aren’t feeling the way you wanna feel. So if you feel the stomach friction go from there and say “no I am Not feeling confident” so now you accept the elephant in the room. Then you ask yourself “why”. Then you will go deeper and start realizing how you are viewing your situation and More.. Moral of the story is ask yourself questions and figure out how you can get yourself to feel better. This message is for the people that seem to keep getting knocked down but never give up. Your time is coming


View this post on Instagram


A post shared by Griffin Colapinto (@griffin_cola)

History did thus record Colapinto in heroic pose on podium at Peniche, destined to shake the world.

The power of evocation sends shivers down the spine.

Champion surfer Joel Parkinson’s “bust up” with semi-adult TikTokers tearing Australia apart at seams as families, friends, loved ones come down on opposing sides of right and wrong!

In this corner...

Days ago, the retired Association of Surfing Professionals star, and onetime champion, Joel Parkinson approached a gaggle of pre-teen twenty-four-year-old TikTokers sliding down a muddy hill in his Gold Coast hometown and told them to stop. They did not immediately which led to a scuffle which has, in turn, divided a nation.

The Coronavirus pandemic, war, environmental catastrophes, etc. no match for Koolie Karen vs. The Halflings as families, friends, loved ones are being ripped apart, coming down on opposing sides as to who was in the right and who was in the wrong vis a vis the “bust up.”

Australia’s Number 9 news conducted a Facebook poll, yesterday (partake here) seeking comment from the public which further inflamed passions.

Many thought Parkinson was in the right as he had used a sheet of plastic for his sliding session thereby kind of preserving the integrity of the hill.

Others thought it was not the 2008 Pipeline Master’s place to stop semi-innocent fun n games as he has not been elected to the city council and had, in fact, inspired the joy.

Longtime pals refusing to speak with each other over differing views.

Husbands and wives considering divorce.

Kelly Slater yet to weigh in.

More as the story develops.