Substance and meaning!

The Eternal Sunshine of Erik Logan's Spotless Mind.

I woke this morning too early, the grey still hovering in southern California’s unseasonably chill dawn, and my first thought was “I wonder what Zoë Kravitz wore to Coachella yesterday?” quickly chased by my second thought “Did the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach run to its finish?” A quick snag of my phone off of vintage bedside table, swiping up to unlock, clicking on browser, opening dear BeachGrit and seeing the wonderful Open Thread Comment Live post crowning all.

It did run, but to its finish?

I scrolled directly to the comments, to you, to realize no, it did not but more importantly, Italo Ferreira had apparently stormed the judges tower in a blind rage while, if I read correctly, World Surf League cameras swung away to focus on an interview with Tom Carroll who was reading from his 1981 diary in a sensually-lit masturbatorium (?).

Insane.

Absolutely incomprehensible.

Now, I’ll surf journalist and get to the bottom of this story, spooling it out over 10 – 15 delightfully whimsical episodes, but in the meantime, how but how would a rare bit of drama not be the absolute focus of the broadcast? A former champion incensed, heated, on the march but no. Too… what? Real? The staid and buttoned-down NFL, NBA, MLB only turn the cameras away when a fan has taken to the field and running around (so others don’t get encouraged, I suppose). Otherwise, every fight, altercation, screaming match, shove, etc. is documented, commented upon, examined from multiple angles.

Professional surfing, apparently, too family-friendly, though, to show frustration in real time.

What makes it even more wild is the fact that Make or Break, the much ballyhooed upcoming television program documenting the World Surf League’s championship tour, has access to this sort of business. No way a producer/director in her/his right mind would take on a project and not be guaranteed full entry. I am certain the interaction was documented and will provide a thoroughly dramatic moment when the show airs.

Now, one would think that the main benefit of a Make or Break, from the WSL’s side, would be to pull viewers over to the championship tour broadcast, maybe even enough viewers to charge a subscription fee or at least obtain real sponsors. What happens when these viewers come, though, expecting to see bull rushes of judging towers but are instead met with masurbatoriums and the patented Wall of Positive Noise?

I’m going to direct/produce a new series that really really shows what goes on in professional surfing. It will be called The Eternal Sunshine of Erik Logan’s spotless mind.

Less as the story develops.

Rub your heady gristle against pro surfing's stiffening dingus!

Carnage!

A female dolphin found stranded on a Texan beach is dead after she was “pushed back to sea where beachgoers attempted to swim with and ride the sick animal.”

The Texas Marine Mammal Stranding Network reports the dolphin, a cute little six-footer, was found at Quintana Beach along the Gulf of Mexico there.

“(She) was further harassed by a crowd of people on the beach where she later died before rescuers could arrive on scene. This type of harassment causes undue stress to wild dolphins, is dangerous for the people who interact with them, and is illegal, punishable by fines and jail time if convicted.” 

Meanwhile in Florida, NOAA Fisheries are looking for the killers of a bottlenose dolphin, an adult lactating female, found dead on Fort Myers Beach, seven miles of sugary white sand famous for its “dolphin eco-tours.” 

A necropsy, non-human autopsy, revealed “the dolphin was impaled in the head with a spear-like object while alive.”

“Based on the shape, size and characteristics of the wound, it is suspected that the dolphin was impaled while in a begging position,” NOAA said in a statement. “Begging is not a natural behavior for dolphins and is frequently associated with illegal feeding.”

Probs worth noting that killing or torturing dolphins, mammals that are smart as hell as well as photogenic, in these parts can result in a fine of a hundred gees or a year in the pen.