Rob, drawing fingers to lips, questioned the proposition. “Ikea uses precious timber to build its stuff, yeah?” While one executive rubbed his hands into a nervous ball, the other responded, “Yes, but it’s all sealed in plastic.” | Photo: IKEA

Behind-the-scenes of IKEA/WSL collaboration inspired by Rob Machado, “We want to collaborate with you for the same reason Breitling grabbed Kelly, for his intimate knowledge of clockworks.”

“A coffee table. A square one. No, rectangle. No, in the shape of…a surfboard?” His mind whirred like a Breitling.

A hard-white sunlight pushed through the blinds of the marketing department Monday morning. A pair of executives sat comfortably on a Finnala© three-seat faux-leather sectional (available black, sherpa tan; pull-out, $2,455).

Facing them was cross-legged former world number-two surfer and environmentalist Rob Machado, sipping coffee from his Kejserlig© mug (black, grey, clay; $4.99/2-pk).

“You find the place OK, Rob?”

“Yeah, I saw those bright blue and yellow flags out front. It’s cool that you guys support Ukraine.”

The executives crossed eyes then returned to Machado.

“Hungry?” asked the exec as she extended a plate of Huvodroll© meatballs ($7.99/12) toward Rob.

“I’m vegan.”

The executives winked at each other knowingly and stretched another arrangement of Varldsklok© plant-mince balls across the glass table.

“How about these? They’re sustainable!” the exec exclaimed.

“What does that even mean?” asked Machado raising an eyebrow.

The executives leaned forward.

“That’s why we brought you here, Rob. We’re dreaming about a new fully sustainable surf-inspired line: furniture, cookware, beach gear. And we think you’re the perfect person for a collaboration. Full partners, IKEA, the WSL, and you, from forest to floor.”

Rob, drawing fingers to lips, questioned the proposition. “Ikea uses precious timber to build its stuff, yeah?”

While one executive rubbed his hands into a nervous ball, the other responded, “Yes, but it’s all sealed in plastic.”


Seemingly relaxed, Rob slipped off his sandals and slid his toes through the plush Langsted© area rug (low-pile, non-slide; $49.99).

“We want to collaborate for the same reason Dockers paired with Jon Rose’s Waves for Water. I mean, who doesn’t want―no, need―access to affordable slacks in drought-stricken regions of the world?”

The other executive added, “We want to collaborate with you for the same reason Breitling grabbed Kelly for his intimate knowledge of clockworks.”

The room went silent as if chloroformed.

Dropping their smiles, the executives explained. “You see, Rob, our company is about more than disposable furniture. We’re about preserving the environment and those living within it. You ever visit the San Diego IKEA?”

“The one on Fenton Parkway? Sure. And I’ve always dreamt about cruising a couple hours north to the Costa Mesa store in my conversion van.”

The executive began painting Rob a picture. “When you enter the San Diego IKEA, you see people from all walks of life―old, young, rich, semi-rich. Everyone is there, in every color, walking in perfect harmony, perpetually. It’s about multi-cultural sustainability for people and planet alike.”

“You should open one in Kharkiv,” interjected Rob innocently.

The executive talked straight into Rob’s eyes. “So far, we have a few items in the works but are stuck. For example, take a look at this.”

The executives unfolded a Kaseberga© prototype beach blanket on the table, plain white.

“Now, Rob, we want something that screams ‘SURFBOARDING!’ Tell us: what should we do with this blanket?”

Machado studied the cloth like a surgeon reading an x-ray, shifting his eyes around the four corners of the terry-cloth monolith.

“I’m thinking floral print.”

The executives pumped their fists in unison.

“YES! That’s exactly why we brought you in, Mr. Machado. Now, keep the flow here. Keep rolling.”

They made bicycle crank circles with their hands.

“What else is spinning in your head for the collection?”

Rob folded his arms, slid his eyes to the ceiling, then spoke slowly, carefully.

“A coffee table. A square one. No, rectangle. No, in the shape of…a surfboard?” His mind whirred like a Breitling.

“Oh, that’s beautiful, Rob,” cried one of the executives. “Beautiful. A table that looks like a surfboard.”

A tabletop drum roll and trumpet sounded from the executives. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Kaseberga© surfboard coffee table (bamboo, wire underframe, $99.99)!”

For the next four hours, the team poured over the new Surf-Core Line designs. They sketched, they grappled, they wondered, pushing the limits of design, taste and ethics. In the end, each piece of the collection was determined to have floral print. They also had the idea for a charcoal grill, also with floral print.

Rob, exhausted, fell back in his chair.

“This is all great, guys. But is it sustainable?”

Befuddled, the executives tossed their palms upward.

“We’ve gone over this. Everything comes from trees we rip down and what can be, will be, wrapped in plastic.”

“That’s not enough. I’m sorry.”

“Mr. Machado, just what do you mean?”

“You know, sustainable. Royalties in perpetuity.”

The trio burst into wild laughter.

“Now, how ‘bout we grab some plant-mince balls and drive up to Costa Mesa in that conversion van (Dodge, 1978, 7 mi/gal.).”

Watch as Kai Lenny, Robin to Mark Zuckerberg’s Batman, gets monster barrel of his young life at the “world’s fastest right!”


Again, the weekend swell that bashed southern facing shores along the Hawaiian Island chain has not disappointed, no not at all. There have been weddings destroyed, two-story condominiums ravaged and mythical waves coming to life.

But had you heard of Maalaea? Freight Trains? The “world’s fastest breaking right?”

I had.

My bank robbing Cousin Dan (buy here), in fact, told me about it during a family reunion on Maui some 30-odd years ago. He pointed out to a harbor near Kihei and said, “That, right there, is the world’s fastest breaking right.”

It wasn’t breaking at the time, though he and my Cousin Mikey tried to surf it. I was back on Maui, a decade or such, later and paddled it myself just to say that I had surfed the world’s fastest breaking right though it was very small.

Not big like the monster barrel of Kai Lenny’s young life.


Robin to Mark Zuckerberg’s Batman is moving as fast as I have ever seen someone move on a surfboard.


But don’t you think that Zuck and Kai should join up to fight crime outside of the metaverse? Zuck with his riches, albeit diminishing, and Lenny with his pluck?

Watch as bridesmaids and matrons, ignoring official warnings to steer clear of menacing Hawaii south shore, get ravaged by pillaging wave!


From my vantage, here in more or less gray Southern California, it appears as if the “historic” swell promised to hit south facing shores of the Hawaiian Island chain over the weekend materialized. Last Thursday, officials began sounding the alarm bells, warning tourists, the infirm, those weak of will and/or stomach to avert their eyes from the raging sea and go inland instead to maybe practice yoga or finger-painting.

Predictably, many ignored.

And let us to fair Kailua-Kona where we lay our scene, from ancient marital tradition break to absolute carnage, where salty ocean water mixed with mud and debris makes bridesmaids and matrons hands unclean.

Would you have paddled?


No tears for Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg despite slipping down world’s richest rankings to 18th as he finds solace in “some Saturday turns” and encouragement from pro surfer besties Kanoa Igarashi and Lucas Chianca!

“The video ends with the Facebook founder still gliding along triumphantly, his speed barely waning as he maintains his balance on the board."

The American Mark Zuckerberg, not yet forty, founder of Facebook, genius behind a three-D version of the internet called the Metaverse, coming soon if it don’t implode etc, has put the abominable stench of Meta’s crashing share price behind him with a feverish lake-surfing session. 

Zuck, whose whose riches have tumbled by almost one hundred billon dollars in the past year sending his ranking among the world’s richest from fifth to eighteen, is filmed hitting boat wake with a very front foot style. 

(Oh, how I can relate.)

“The video ends with the Facebook founder still gliding along triumphantly, his speed barely waning as he maintains his balance on the board — and thereby denying Reel viewers the sight of it gradually slowing down enough to deposit its billionaire cargo in the surrounding lake.”


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A post shared by Mark Zuckerberg (@zuck)

Pro surfing BFFs Kanoa Igarashi and Lucas “Chumbo” Chianca were quick to praise, a contrast to the six thousand other mostly unhinged comments begging for money. 

“Nice rail work!!” write KI to which 382 fans hit the like button and Zuck replied, “Thanks… big compliment coming from you!” 

Pipe stand-out Chumbo writes, “Yeaaahhhhhh” with flame emoji. 

“We’ve got to get you out here sometime!” Zuck tells his Brazilian pal. 

Other comments were along the lines of, 

“Hello everyone, I am poor. My name is Abbas from Iraq. I am 29. I am very tired because I am poor and I want help because I am tired of thinking, depression and deprivation. I have a brother and my father died. My family and I live in poverty because of the conditions of deprivation in my country. It does not help me because the state is militias and gangs that steal human rights. Please help me because I live with my brothers and my mother@zuck”

No response from Zuck at the time of going to press.



In powerful spirit of inclusion and norm challenging, notoriously caustic surf journalist transitions into biathlete!

Join the revolution.

We live in a brave new world, don’t we just though. The ground constantly shifting under our dancing feet. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the pronouns of our time. The World Surf League, ever bold, has not been daunted by the landscape, however, and has leaned full in to inclusion, challenging norms, being best. From various social media allying to dizzying greenwashing to slapping LGBTQ+ flags on jerseys, it has been at the forefront of enlightened sporting.

And it was in this spirit, this morning, that I decided to transition into a biathlete.

I had wanted to go on a run, you see, a three mile lap at 7:30ish a mile. That is not a fast speed, oh I know, but I am still in recovery after suffering a ballet injury in Copenhagen earlier this summer. In any case, I had wanted to go on a run and had surfed yesterday but the wife wanted to surf today too. There has been an almost fun run of swell, here, or almost fun compared to the weeks of flatness that I couldn’t surf anyway because of the aforementioned ballet injury.

After a brief moment’s thought, I agreed that we should surf so suited up and did. The water is chilly, even though it is midsummer southern Southern California so I wore a short-armed, in black. Wife a short-leg, long-arm, also in black. We paddled out the front, into a throng, and each managed to pick off a few runners.

I almost did a floater.

Afterwards, exhilarated, I still felt the urge to run and, World Surf League inspiring, did. I changed into my running shorts, slipped on my Nike Air Zoom Alphafly Next% and was off, headphones playing a mix of German house.

Officially a biathlete.

My mile times were slower than hoped for but my spirit was buoyed by doing the right thing.

Are you, too, inspired?

Share your story of triumph below and join the revolution.