Again, the weekend swell that bashed southern facing shores along the Hawaiian Island chain has not disappointed, no not at all. There have been weddings destroyed, two-story condominiums ravaged and mythical waves coming to life.
But had you heard of Maalaea? Freight Trains? The “world’s fastest breaking right?”
I had.
My bank robbing Cousin Dan (buy here), in fact, told me about it during a family reunion on Maui some 30-odd years ago. He pointed out to a harbor near Kihei and said, “That, right there, is the world’s fastest breaking right.”
It wasn’t breaking at the time, though he and my Cousin Mikey tried to surf it. I was back on Maui, a decade or such, later and paddled it myself just to say that I had surfed the world’s fastest breaking right though it was very small.
Not big like the monster barrel of Kai Lenny’s young life.
Whoa.
Robin to Mark Zuckerberg’s Batman is moving as fast as I have ever seen someone move on a surfboard.
Speedy.
But don’t you think that Zuck and Kai should join up to fight crime outside of the metaverse? Zuck with his riches, albeit diminishing, and Lenny with his pluck?
From my vantage, here in more or less gray Southern California, it appears as if the “historic” swell promised to hit south facing shores of the Hawaiian Island chain over the weekend materialized. Last Thursday, officials began sounding the alarm bells, warning tourists, the infirm, those weak of will and/or stomach to avert their eyes from the raging sea and go inland instead to maybe practice yoga or finger-painting.
Predictably, many ignored.
And let us to fair Kailua-Kona where we lay our scene, from ancient marital tradition break to absolute carnage, where salty ocean water mixed with mud and debris makes bridesmaids and matrons hands unclean.
Would you have paddled?
Sick.
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No tears for Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg despite slipping down world’s richest rankings to 18th as he finds solace in “some Saturday turns” and encouragement from pro surfer besties Kanoa Igarashi and Lucas Chianca!
“The video ends with the Facebook founder still gliding along triumphantly, his speed barely waning as he maintains his balance on the board."
The American Mark Zuckerberg, not yet forty, founder of Facebook, genius behind a three-D version of the internet called the Metaverse, coming soon if it don’t implode etc, has put the abominable stench of Meta’s crashing share price behind him with a feverish lake-surfing session.
Zuck, whose whose riches have tumbled by almost one hundred billon dollars in the past year sending his ranking among the world’s richest from fifth to eighteen, is filmed hitting boat wake with a very front foot style.
Pro surfing BFFs Kanoa Igarashi and Lucas “Chumbo” Chianca were quick to praise, a contrast to the six thousand other mostly unhinged comments begging for money.
“Nice rail work!!” write KI to which 382 fans hit the like button and Zuck replied, “Thanks… big compliment coming from you!”
Pipe stand-out Chumbo writes, “Yeaaahhhhhh” with flame emoji.
“We’ve got to get you out here sometime!” Zuck tells his Brazilian pal.
Other comments were along the lines of,
“Hello everyone, I am poor. My name is Abbas from Iraq. I am 29. I am very tired because I am poor and I want help because I am tired of thinking, depression and deprivation. I have a brother and my father died. My family and I live in poverty because of the conditions of deprivation in my country. It does not help me because the state is militias and gangs that steal human rights. Please help me because I live with my brothers and my mother@zuck”
No response from Zuck at the time of going to press.
Disappointing.
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In powerful spirit of inclusion and norm challenging, notoriously caustic surf journalist transitions into biathlete!
We live in a brave new world, don’t we just though. The ground constantly shifting under our dancing feet. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the pronouns of our time. The World Surf League, ever bold, has not been daunted by the landscape, however, and has leaned full in to inclusion, challenging norms, being best. From various social media allying to dizzying greenwashing to slapping LGBTQ+ flags on jerseys, it has been at the forefront of enlightened sporting.
And it was in this spirit, this morning, that I decided to transition into a biathlete.
I had wanted to go on a run, you see, a three mile lap at 7:30ish a mile. That is not a fast speed, oh I know, but I am still in recovery after suffering a ballet injury in Copenhagen earlier this summer. In any case, I had wanted to go on a run and had surfed yesterday but the wife wanted to surf today too. There has been an almost fun run of swell, here, or almost fun compared to the weeks of flatness that I couldn’t surf anyway because of the aforementioned ballet injury.
After a brief moment’s thought, I agreed that we should surf so suited up and did. The water is chilly, even though it is midsummer southern Southern California so I wore a short-armed, in black. Wife a short-leg, long-arm, also in black. We paddled out the front, into a throng, and each managed to pick off a few runners.
I almost did a floater.
Afterwards, exhilarated, I still felt the urge to run and, World Surf League inspiring, did. I changed into my running shorts, slipped on my Nike Air Zoom Alphafly Next% and was off, headphones playing a mix of German house.
Officially a biathlete.
My mile times were slower than hoped for but my spirit was buoyed by doing the right thing.
Are you, too, inspired?
Share your story of triumph below and join the revolution.
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Teal Ocean (pictured) mid disturbing sentence. Kaitlin Armstrong i.e. "Irie" picture in picture.
Ex-pat surf instructor who unknowingly dated fugitive yoga instructor accused of murder shares lurid details of love on the run: “She always wanted to go to real secluded places…”
Now you may, or may not, remember the saga of Kaitlin Armstrong, which was told to you here two weeks ago. For those short of memory, or partying with Pete, Armstrong was a yoga instructor in love with a bicycling man. A professional bicycling woman and the aforementioned man had a relationship, Armstrong allegedly became jealous, shot and killed woman then disappeared after being questioned by police officers.
She eluded authorities for weeks until they stumbled upon her teaching SUP yoga in Costa Rica and brought her home for trial.
Catch up here.
Today, the scene takes a lurid twist as an ex-pat surf instructor living in Costa Rica admitted to dating Armstrong whilst she was on the run. Teal Ocean, middle-aged with that particular “middle-aged ex-pat surf instructor” flair, shared intimate details in a to-camera interview with the Austin American-Statesman (watch here).
I knew her as Irie, I don’t really know Caitlin or the face, that you see in the paper. Ari was a strange person. I met her right outside the tattoo shop, her friends were getting tattoos. I was outside there having a beer and a lounge and it became apparent she wanted to have a conversation with me so we did have a conversation and exchanged phone numbers.
We end up hanging a bunch of times later. She said she had just been through a real traumatizing break up and wasn’t ready to get close at all so we were just being friends. She wanted to go out to different places, we went out to a few different spots, but most the time she wanted to be at secluded spots with not a lot of people. I didn’t put any of it together, I couldn’t imagine it but after it all went by and I hear what she was really doing and why she was running it made sense why she didn’t want to be seen, why she wanted to go to real secluded places… It all kinda made a little more sense.
They were using the old pictures and I was, like, “I don’t know her,” but then they did the updates where she had her face lift or face change and I was, like, shocked. Like, “What? That’s who I’ve been hanging out with this whole time?” And, yeah, it sucks for the family who lost their daughter and that’s really not cool. I feel for them but I didn’t get to meet that person, either. The person I met was Irie, not Kaity.
Teal Ocean, Irie, yoga, SUP yoga, friends getting vacation tattoos in tropical climates, likely hair braids at some point and henna, unshod feet with toes fat and wide, a sliver-plated toe ring straining around one of them, hemp shorts, reggae, ex-pat surf instruction…
