Watch as Kai Lenny, Robin to Mark
Zuckerberg’s Batman, gets monster barrel of his young life at the
“world’s fastest right!”
By Chas Smith
Screaming!
Again, the weekend swell that bashed southern
facing shores along the Hawaiian Island chain has not disappointed,
no not at all. There have been weddings
destroyed, two-story condominiums ravaged and mythical
waves coming to life.
But had you heard of Maalaea? Freight Trains? The “world’s
fastest breaking right?”
I had.
My bank robbing Cousin Dan (buy here), in
fact, told me about it during a family reunion on Maui some 30-odd
years ago. He pointed out to a harbor near Kihei and said, “That,
right there, is the world’s fastest breaking right.”
It wasn’t breaking at the time, though he and my Cousin Mikey
tried to surf it. I was back on Maui, a decade or such, later and
paddled it myself just to say that I had surfed the world’s fastest
breaking right though it was very small.
Not big like the monster barrel of Kai Lenny’s young life.
Whoa.
Robin to Mark Zuckerberg’s Batman is moving as fast as I have
ever seen someone move on a surfboard.
Speedy.
But don’t you think that Zuck and Kai should join up to fight
crime outside of the metaverse? Zuck with his riches, albeit
diminishing, and Lenny with his pluck?
Watch as bridesmaids and matrons, ignoring
official warnings to steer clear of menacing Hawaii south shore,
get ravaged by pillaging wave!
By Chas Smith
Sick.
From my vantage, here in more or less gray
Southern California, it appears as if the “historic” swell promised
to hit south facing shores of the Hawaiian Island chain over the
weekend materialized. Last Thursday, officials began sounding the
alarm bells, warning tourists, the
infirm, those weak of will and/or stomach to avert their
eyes from the raging sea and go inland instead to
maybe practice yoga or finger-painting.
Predictably, many ignored.
And let us to fair Kailua-Kona where we lay our scene, from
ancient marital tradition break to absolute carnage, where salty
ocean water mixed with mud and debris makes bridesmaids and matrons
hands unclean.
Would you have paddled?
Sick.
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No tears for Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg despite
slipping down world’s richest rankings to 18th as he finds solace
in “some Saturday turns” and encouragement from pro surfer besties
Kanoa Igarashi and Lucas Chianca!
By Derek Rielly
“The video ends with the Facebook founder still
gliding along triumphantly, his speed barely waning as he maintains
his balance on the board."
The American Mark Zuckerberg, not yet forty, founder of
Facebook, genius behind a three-D version of the internet called
the Metaverse, coming soon if it don’t implode etc, has
put the abominable stench of Meta’s crashing share price behind him
with a feverish lake-surfing session.
Zuck, whose whose riches have tumbled by almost one hundred
billon dollars in the past year sending his ranking among the
world’s richest from fifth to eighteen, is filmed hitting boat wake
with a very front foot style.
Pro surfing BFFs Kanoa Igarashi and Lucas “Chumbo” Chianca were
quick to praise, a contrast to the six thousand other mostly
unhinged comments begging for money.
“Nice rail work!!” write KI to which 382 fans hit the like
button and Zuck replied, “Thanks… big compliment coming from
you!”
Pipe stand-out Chumbo writes, “Yeaaahhhhhh” with flame
emoji.
“We’ve got to get you out here sometime!” Zuck tells his
Brazilian pal.
Other comments were along the lines of,
“Hello everyone, I am poor. My name is Abbas from Iraq. I am 29.
I am very tired because I am poor and I want help because I am
tired of thinking, depression and deprivation. I have a brother and
my father died. My family and I live in poverty because of the
conditions of deprivation in my country. It does not help me
because the state is militias and gangs that steal human rights.
Please help me because I live with my brothers and my
mother@zuck”
No response from Zuck at the time of going to press.
Disappointing.
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In powerful spirit of inclusion and norm
challenging, notoriously caustic surf journalist transitions into
biathlete!
By Chas Smith
Join the revolution.
We live in a brave new world, don’t we just
though. The ground constantly shifting under our dancing feet. Like
sands through the hourglass, these are the pronouns of our time.
The World Surf League, ever bold, has not been daunted by the
landscape, however, and has leaned full in to inclusion,
challenging norms, being best. From various social media allying to
dizzying
greenwashing to slapping LGBTQ+ flags on
jerseys, it has been at the forefront of enlightened
sporting.
And it was in this spirit, this morning, that I decided to
transition into a biathlete.
I had wanted to go on a run, you see, a three mile lap at
7:30ish a mile. That is not a fast speed, oh I know, but I am
still in recovery after
suffering a ballet injury in Copenhagen earlier this
summer. In any case, I had wanted to go on a run and had surfed
yesterday but the wife wanted to surf today too. There has been an
almost fun run of swell, here, or almost fun compared to the weeks
of flatness that I couldn’t surf anyway because of the
aforementioned ballet injury.
After a brief moment’s thought, I agreed that we should surf so
suited up and did. The water is chilly, even though it is midsummer
southern Southern California so I wore a short-armed, in black.
Wife a short-leg, long-arm, also in black. We paddled out the
front, into a throng, and each managed to pick off a few
runners.
I almost did a floater.
Afterwards, exhilarated, I still felt the urge to run and, World
Surf League inspiring, did. I changed into my running shorts,
slipped on my Nike Air Zoom Alphafly Next% and was off, headphones
playing a mix of German house.
Officially a biathlete.
My mile times were slower than hoped for but my spirit was
buoyed by doing the right thing.
Are you, too, inspired?
Share your story of triumph below and join the revolution.
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Teal Ocean (pictured) mid disturbing sentence. Kaitlin
Armstrong i.e. "Irie" picture in picture.
Ex-pat surf instructor who unknowingly
dated fugitive yoga instructor accused of murder shares lurid
details of love on the run: “She always wanted to go to real
secluded places…”
By Chas Smith
Beyond lurid. Macabre.
Now you may, or may not, remember the saga of
Kaitlin Armstrong, which was told to you here two
weeks ago. For those short of memory, or partying with
Pete, Armstrong was a yoga instructor in love with a bicycling man.
A professional bicycling woman and the aforementioned man had a
relationship, Armstrong allegedly became jealous, shot and killed
woman then disappeared after being questioned by police
officers.
She eluded authorities for weeks until they stumbled upon her
teaching SUP yoga in Costa Rica and brought her home for trial.
Catch up here.
Today, the scene takes a lurid twist as an ex-pat surf
instructor living in Costa Rica admitted to dating Armstrong whilst
she was on the run. Teal Ocean, middle-aged with that particular
“middle-aged ex-pat surf instructor” flair, shared intimate details
in a to-camera interview with the Austin American-Statesman
(watch here).
I knew her as Irie, I don’t really know Caitlin or the face,
that you see in the paper. Ari was a strange person. I met her
right outside the tattoo shop, her friends were getting tattoos. I
was outside there having a beer and a lounge and it became apparent
she wanted to have a conversation with me so we did have a
conversation and exchanged phone numbers.
We end up hanging a bunch of times later. She said she had
just been through a real traumatizing break up and wasn’t ready to
get close at all so we were just being friends. She wanted to go
out to different places, we went out to a few different spots, but
most the time she wanted to be at secluded spots with not a lot of
people. I didn’t put any of it together, I couldn’t imagine it but
after it all went by and I hear what she was really doing and why
she was running it made sense why she didn’t want to be seen, why
she wanted to go to real secluded places… It all kinda made a
little more sense.
They were using the old pictures and I was, like, “I don’t
know her,” but then they did the updates where she had her face
lift or face change and I was, like, shocked. Like, “What? That’s
who I’ve been hanging out with this whole time?” And, yeah, it
sucks for the family who lost their daughter and that’s really not
cool. I feel for them but I didn’t get to meet that person, either.
The person I met was Irie, not Kaity.
Teal Ocean, Irie, yoga, SUP yoga, friends getting vacation
tattoos in tropical climates, likely hair braids at some point and
henna, unshod feet with toes fat and wide, a sliver-plated toe ring
straining around one of them, hemp shorts, reggae, ex-pat surf
instruction…