"Hit them with a good amount of speed."

Men’s Journal, which must be on the verge of cancellation with its gender exclusive title, just released its coveted “10 Best Surfboards on Amazon Under $600” guide doubling down on erasure. Amazon, the consumerist behemoth, is, theoretically, on the block too what with slave wages and slave hours for hundreds of thousands of employees but bedfellows etc. and let us examine the 10 Best Surfboards on Amazon Under $600 guide in depth.

Wavestorm, a Costco sensation, is obviously near the top with Men’s Journal raving about the 8′ model, “This is a classic surfboard to learn how to get started on. A durable design makes this a good pickup for the newbs out there.”

“Newbs” an internet version of “VALs.”

The “classic” is followed up by Wavestorm’s 15th anniversary edition, also 8′ and also in landfill ready foam. It has “a fun new design to make you stand out from the pack when you’re out there putting the work in.”

The Catch Surf Odysea 54″ special tri-fin is for those ready to take the next step. “The more comfortable you get, the more you’re gonna want to challenge those waves. Hit them with a good amount of speed.”

But the clear winner of the whole shootin’ match is one Benjamin Franklin Graeff better known to you and me as Ben Gravy.

Gravy’s Wave Bandit gets highest praise of all based on the fact that it is his board. Star power. The distinctive pineapple skull head with sunglasses soft top swings in at $350 on Amazon and have you ever seen one in the wild?

I did just yesterday. Its owner seemed to enjoy paddling in place very near shore.

Fun.

But back to Men’s Journal. What will its name be when forced to abandon “Men?”

Birthing Person Journal?

Them Journal?

Sports Illustrated?

Help.

An unfolding disaster.

Tonight, Wednesday, July 20th, is the athletic world’s answer to the Academy Awards, the Grammys, etc. The ESPYs, a red carpet, black tie affair, put on by sporting news giant ESPN, will air live at 8:00 pm PST from Los Angeles’ Dolby Theater and be hosted by basketball great Steph Curry. And while it should be a moment of wonderful celebration of world records being shattered, championships being won, a sexist controversy has exploded like a bomb.

ESPN has allegedly decided not to invite women to the dance.

Per reporting in Fansided:

The 2022 ESPY Awards are set to go down in Los Angeles on Wednesday but one of the biggest nights in sports will have a dark cloud hanging over it after several nominated athletes were not invited to the ceremony.

Of the athletes speaking out about their lack of invitation … they are all women.

Nicole Baxter the teammate of ESPY nominee Caprice Dydasco took aim at ESPN for withholding a seat at the ceremony.

“In what world would @espn nominate Cappy for best NWSL (National Women’s Soccer League) player and then tell us that category is not invited to the ESPYS????????” Baxter tweeted. “The constant disrespect for womens sports SMH.”

It is not the first time ESPN has made a gendered or abelist blunder.

Back in 2016, inspirational surf star Bethany Hamilton was nominated in the “Best Female Athlete with a Disability” category but subsequently threw it right back in ESPN’s face, ESPN trying to spin by claiming, “Bethany expressed that she was appreciative of the nomination but didn’t feel it was a good fit for her, so ESPN removed her from the category upon her request.”

Hamilton was, most definitely, not appreciative of the nomination.

Rude of ESPN to make unfortunate assumptions even in 2016 when humankind’s mind was slept.

Ruder, today, to forget to invite women altogether.

On a happier note, I suppose, the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater has won six ESPYs and the world’s most beloved surfer, Mick Fanning, has won one.

Still does not help the unfolding disaster.

Will there be boycotts?

Monies where mouths are?

Let’s hope.

What is the most menacing terror lurking on the asphalt?

Count your lucky stars is my main message to you this morning, for you never know when disaster might strike. You may be hungry, for example, for a Subway sandwich, purchase one, eat half then get fined $2664 by the Australian government for having it in your purse. Or you could be there living in surf paradise Coolangatta and a top triathlete with many victories including illustrious Ironmen etc. but then slip off a dangerous piece of playground equipment and have to stare down the possible ending of your career.

Well, at least there is a lawsuit to cover the latter and triathlete Ari Day is taking that route, dragging Surf Life Saving Australia and others before the courts in a story that is gripping the Gold Coast.

Ali Day is demanding $485,000 after a promotional photographic session for the Iron X Series, the world’s “richest one-day race in surf life saving,” went terribly wrong. According to the report, Day was swinging between monkey bars, lost grip and fell two meters, or six feet, to the floor then immediately felt pain in his wrist. The defendants, including Surf Life Saving Australia, were negligent, he alleges, for providing adequate training and floor mats.

The course, he claims, was also “deliberately difficult.”

Day was forced to get 28 pins, screws and plates in his wrist and though he has won six more Ironmen since the injury, claims his career will certainly be cut short.

$300,000 of the claim, in fact, is for past and future economic loss. $10,000 is earmarked for his partner, Kel Day, who lovingly tended to him while he healed.

All very sad but let us further consider, together, the most most dangerous piece of playground equipment as to avoid one of these nasty incidences ourselves. When I was a young boy in Papua New Guinea, our school had one of those maypole like things with metal rings at the end to grasp. We would run, fly into the air with much g-force then slip and shoot across the yard like shrapnel.

Merry-go-rounds are also naughty with the same aforementioned g-force but also metal bars that spin wildly at child mouth level.

Swings, especially when dillweeds aren’t paying attention and walk out in front of a swinger in full pump.

What else? What is the most menacing terror lurking on the asphalt?