Beloved actor, body positivist and surfer Jonah Hill trades in “windowless monolith” in exclusive Malibu Colony for oceanfront spread with “stairs right down to the beach.”

If you surf, and y'got the cash, why wouldn't you live beachfront?

The Hollywood funnyman, Jonah Hill, famous for shelving Russ Brand’s smack in the comedy classic Get Him to the Greek, and for his relocation to Malibu Colony where he surfs and is recognised as a post-millennial Miki Dora, has sold his joint across the street from the beach and one that has its own stairs to the water’s edge.

Last June, Hill paid nine million dollars for a house in the Colony, a gated celebrity enclave once home to Tom Hanks, Woody Harrelson, Jeff Bridges and Billy Murray, footsteps from the point made famous by anti-hero Dora.

“Been terrified to surf my whole life,” Hill wrote. “Totally random fear and at the same time always been a secret dream of mine. Turned out to be one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had. Not only was it so fun and challenging but more so I’m like damn, at 35 you can start doing shit you’ve always wanted to do.”

The modernist mansion had four beds, four bathrooms, sauna, jacuzzi, steam room, rooftop deck, 3600 square feet of lebensraum, and a “windowless monolithically white face facade”.

The joint came with deeded beach access rights and even a little golf cart for transport.

Of course, when surf bites it bites hard.

And, if you got the cash, y’ain’t gonna be happy with riding a damn electric buggy to the beach while others have cribs on the cliff there, a tap-dance down the wooden stairs to the drink.

The new joint at 23622 Malibu Colony Rd cost fifteen-and-a-half mill but ain’t as fancy with its stucco sidings and wood shingles reminiscent of its 1931 build.

Still, three stories high, a gated entrance, big fireplace, natural wood ceilings.

Kinda like JOB’s old joint at Pipe, although one imagines Hill will send in, tout suite, architect and builder.

It ain’t fancy but it’s beachfront.
The master room, big enough even for 1.7m Mr Hill.
A North Shore sorta vibe.
The paparazzi drone view.
It ain’t Pipe, howevs.

Off the patio, which overlooks the Pacific, is a staircase down to the sand. The money shot, as they say.

Hill ain’t dumb.

He’s trying to sell the old joint for fifteen mill, a price that would almost double the cash he paid for it, although he did gussy it up a bit, painted it grey etc.

Did a real good job. Examine here. 

Hatton, a well-preserved woman of fifty-three years whose neatly pressed blonde crown suggests a love affair with sun and sea, was caught hand in jar, by the fraud squad, hit with 749 charges of dishonestly obtaining financial advantage.

Horse racing and poker machine enthusiast who swindled world champ Tyler Wright and pro surfing brothers Owen and Mikey for $1.5 million jailed for three years, min; tells court she had “enough of living a double life!”

Owen stiffed for almost a mill, Tyler for half a brick, Mikey 151k.

One year ago, cops swooped on the bookkeeper for the noted Wright family who’d been secretly transferring herself cash to invest in horse-racing bets and poker machines.

“The rest of the money was wasted,” they said. 

Shane Maree Hatton, a family friend of the Wrights, although that friendship has since become somewhat strained, was a bookkeeper for the Wright’s plumbing biz.

When the kids started to rake in the sponsor cash, Hatton took on their finances, too.

“There is a trend of family friends and relatives, who are less than qualified, managing large amounts of money and they can’t resist the temptation of taking some of the money for themselves,” the State Crime Command Director, Detective Chief Superintendent Darren Bennett told The Daily Telegraph.

Red flags went up when celeb agent Nick Fordham, who handles Tyler’s sponsorship deals, saw the books, and noticed the balance was a little lower than expected.

Owen blamed his parents for ripping into his fortune.

In a letter to the court he wrote,”My relationships with my parents are still damaged because of the anger issues I had around this…I was still being stolen from while I could barely walk and while doctors were saying I would never work again… I wanted to retire but I couldn’t financially and fought back… risking my life in the process.”

Hatton, a well-preserved woman of fifty-three years whose neatly pressed blonde crown suggests a love affair with sun and sea, was caught hand in jar, by the fraud squad, and hit with 749 charges of dishonestly obtaining financial advantage. 

Could’ve been a sunglass model. Instead, chose to steal. A lesson in there.

Court documents showed the extent of the fraud waged over eight years, with Owen being stiffed for almost a million bucks as he struggled to overcome a mysterious brain injury.

From 2012 until 2020, Hatton stole $818,642.80 from Owen, transferring his cash to herself in 334 transactions ranging from $27.65 to $4668.

Tyler was hit for $586,805.07, in 295 transactions ranging from $21 to $4675.

Mikey copped $151,201.23 in 63 transactions ranging from $40 to $3538.55.

Their mum and Dad, Rob and Fiona, lost $81,025.29.

Earlier today, Hatton was jailed for a minimum of three years and ordered to pay back half the money stolen, the court told she’d paid back one hundred k already. 

Hatton told the sentencing judge,The addiction had taken over. I didn’t feel like I could stop.”

A happy ending for no one.

Bethany Hamilton (pictured) ripping Kelly Slater's Surf Ranch, clearly not disabled but also clearly a woman thereby not invited.
Bethany Hamilton (pictured) ripping Kelly Slater's Surf Ranch, clearly not disabled but also clearly a woman thereby not invited.

Sexist bomb explodes over ESPYs as ESPN, which once famously nominated Bethany Hamilton for “best female athlete with disability” only to have her throw back in sporting giant’s face, forgets to invite women to award show!

An unfolding disaster.

Tonight, Wednesday, July 20th, is the athletic world’s answer to the Academy Awards, the Grammys, etc. The ESPYs, a red carpet, black tie affair, put on by sporting news giant ESPN, will air live at 8:00 pm PST from Los Angeles’ Dolby Theater and be hosted by basketball great Steph Curry. And while it should be a moment of wonderful celebration of world records being shattered, championships being won, a sexist controversy has exploded like a bomb.

ESPN has allegedly decided not to invite women to the dance.

Per reporting in Fansided:

The 2022 ESPY Awards are set to go down in Los Angeles on Wednesday but one of the biggest nights in sports will have a dark cloud hanging over it after several nominated athletes were not invited to the ceremony.

Of the athletes speaking out about their lack of invitation … they are all women.

Nicole Baxter the teammate of ESPY nominee Caprice Dydasco took aim at ESPN for withholding a seat at the ceremony.

“In what world would @espn nominate Cappy for best NWSL (National Women’s Soccer League) player and then tell us that category is not invited to the ESPYS????????” Baxter tweeted. “The constant disrespect for womens sports SMH.”

It is not the first time ESPN has made a gendered or abelist blunder.

Back in 2016, inspirational surf star Bethany Hamilton was nominated in the “Best Female Athlete with a Disability” category but subsequently threw it right back in ESPN’s face, ESPN trying to spin by claiming, “Bethany expressed that she was appreciative of the nomination but didn’t feel it was a good fit for her, so ESPN removed her from the category upon her request.”

Hamilton was, most definitely, not appreciative of the nomination.

Rude of ESPN to make unfortunate assumptions even in 2016 when humankind’s mind was slept.

Ruder, today, to forget to invite women altogether.

On a happier note, I suppose, the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater has won six ESPYs and the world’s most beloved surfer, Mick Fanning, has won one.

Still does not help the unfolding disaster.

Will there be boycotts?

Monies where mouths are?

Let’s hope.

Day (background) Surf Life Saving Australia (foreground) headed for epic clash (Instagram)
Day (background) Surf Life Saving Australia (foreground) headed for epic clash (Instagram)

Top Gold Coast Ironman sues Surf Life Saving Australia, others, after tumble from dangerous piece of playground equipment: “While swinging between monkey bars, (Ali) Day lost grip and fell two meters then immediately felt wrist pain.”

What is the most menacing terror lurking on the asphalt?

Count your lucky stars is my main message to you this morning, for you never know when disaster might strike. You may be hungry, for example, for a Subway sandwich, purchase one, eat half then get fined $2664 by the Australian government for having it in your purse. Or you could be there living in surf paradise Coolangatta and a top triathlete with many victories including illustrious Ironmen etc. but then slip off a dangerous piece of playground equipment and have to stare down the possible ending of your career.

Well, at least there is a lawsuit to cover the latter and triathlete Ari Day is taking that route, dragging Surf Life Saving Australia and others before the courts in a story that is gripping the Gold Coast.

Ali Day is demanding $485,000 after a promotional photographic session for the Iron X Series, the world’s “richest one-day race in surf life saving,” went terribly wrong. According to the report, Day was swinging between monkey bars, lost grip and fell two meters, or six feet, to the floor then immediately felt pain in his wrist. The defendants, including Surf Life Saving Australia, were negligent, he alleges, for providing adequate training and floor mats.

The course, he claims, was also “deliberately difficult.”

Day was forced to get 28 pins, screws and plates in his wrist and though he has won six more Ironmen since the injury, claims his career will certainly be cut short.

Day (pictured) sad.
Day (pictured) sad.

$300,000 of the claim, in fact, is for past and future economic loss. $10,000 is earmarked for his partner, Kel Day, who lovingly tended to him while he healed.

All very sad but let us further consider, together, the most most dangerous piece of playground equipment as to avoid one of these nasty incidences ourselves. When I was a young boy in Papua New Guinea, our school had one of those maypole like things with metal rings at the end to grasp. We would run, fly into the air with much g-force then slip and shoot across the yard like shrapnel.

Merry-go-rounds are also naughty with the same aforementioned g-force but also metal bars that spin wildly at child mouth level.

Swings, especially when dillweeds aren’t paying attention and walk out in front of a swinger in full pump.

What else? What is the most menacing terror lurking on the asphalt?

Conan and his beloved ex-prez.

“Investigations ongoing” into RCVA co-founder and former top pro surfer Conan Hayes following arrest of three election officials and allegations he dressed as a “computer nerd” and used falsified ID to make copies of election software!

Conan Hayes "at the center of many of the most critical points of Trump's effort to undermine democracy.”

If you’ve been following the travails of Conan Hayes, you’ll know his jagged trajectory from tamer of giant Cloudbreak and Teahupoo to toy merchant to detective uncovering electoral frauds.

(You can slide in there his busy courtroom schedule, too, dealing with a felony charge and various lawsuits.)

Three weeks ago, the NY Times revealed Conan was a major player in an “election denial network” who was paid $200,000 by Donald Trump’s legal team, and  who allegedly went undercover to make copies of election software, searching for evidence the Dems stole the show from the Grand Old Party in 2020.

Now, following the arrest of a third Mesa County election official, Colorado’s The Daily Sentinel has revealed investigations are “ongoing” into Conan’s role in the alleged scheme to make copies of election software.

A little background. 

Back in March, Mesa County Clerk Tina Peter was indicted by a Mesa County grand jury on seven felony and three misdemeanor counts of election tampering and misconduct after Colorado officials said she “allowed an unauthorized person into a secure facility during an annual upgrade to the county’s election equipment software, compromising the equipment.”

That person, it’s alleged, is Conan.

Per the Sentinel,

Though previous court documents hinted at his identity, the affidavit names that person, California resident Conan James Hayes. So far, no charges have been filed against him or others cited in the affidavit, such as Garfield County resident Sherronna Bishop, but it indicates investigations are ongoing.

“Brown conspired to misrepresent the role and identity of the person — Conan Hayes — who they intended to use, and did use, to copy the hard drive by using the identity of Gerald Wood,” Cannon wrote in the affidavit.

“Brown’s actions, statements and/or inactions were a — successful — attempt to influence the public servant’s decisions and actions before and during the trusted build through Sandra’s misrepresentations,” Cannon added. “Wood no longer is a target of the investigation. The person who completed that computer services using Wood’s identity is still under investigation.”

A story in Vice on the “MAGA Army profiting off Trump’s election lies,” described Conan as being “at the center of many of the most critical points of Trump’s effort to undermine democracy.”

He was part of Byrne’s “Bad News Bears” team in D.C. in the weeks after the election, working to find voting anomalies. Then he was in Antrim County, Michigan, as part of a team flown in by Byrne to examine Dominion voting machines. The resulting report, written in part by Hayes, was held up by Trump in the Oval Office as proof of voter fraud, the former Attorney General Bill Barr told the January 6 committee.

Then, Hayes was reportedly in Phoenix for the bogus Maricopa County recount effort led by Cyber Ninjas. And in August, QAnon influencer-turned-congressional candidate Ron Watkins claimed that Hayes was the person who took hard-drive images from Dominion voting machines in Mesa County, Colorado, where clerk Tina Peters is currently facing felony charges for tampering with election equipment.

Darkly exciting.