Kelly Slater (pictured) lost. (Not affiliated with Matt Biolos's ...Lost brand).
Kelly Slater (pictured) lost. (Not affiliated with Matt Biolos's ...Lost brand).

Surf Journalist reflecting upon epic quest to find non-surfing World Surf League fan across great United States ponders greatest shock of all, our hero Kelly Slater all but entirely un-OuterKnown!

Chas Smith

By

...Lost

One week ago, from tomorrow, I returned from an epic quest. With our World Surf League registering almost unheard of growth, and dreams of spiking into major major territory, capturing the middle of these great United States is essential. And so there, went I, to discover the non-surfing World Surf League fan, who I’d imagine would be a dime a dozen.

And discover-ish one I did, in Memphis, Tennessee but, shockingly, no one, not even the unicorn, had ever heard of the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater.

The closest I got was also in Memphis. A bartender who was vaguely aware of “some surfer who dates models.”

Had to be Slater, right?

But how is it that he, considered by many to be the world’s greatest athlete, purveyor of eponymous television programs, decades of wild SportCenter mentions is a virtual unknown?

Remembered for “dating models” even though he is in a committed loving relationship with a beautiful Chinese girlfriend for the last decade plus?

Maybe it wasn’t Slater.

But, even though assuming makes an ass out of u and ming, I assumed.

Zero.

I asked after him in Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas and zero recognition until Tennessee where “dating models” is what maybe registered.

Do you take as affront?

Should we?

More to the point, will further Challenger Series events be cancelled?

Let’s, all of us, stay tuned.

Erickson (pictured) on the road to prosperity.
Erickson (pictured) on the road to prosperity.

Outerknown ambassador, champion surfer Sage Erickson reveals dazzling advice on how to snag Major League Baseball stud and get crazy filthy rich!

Chas Smith

By

Swing for the fences!

The US Open of Surfing must be nearing its end though, metaphorically, might stretch out to eternity. Wonderful, as I could revel in the joys of Huntington Beach forever, but also I would like to know who will be crowned champion. It has given us many, worthy, champions including recently hall of fame inductee Brett Simpson, Kanoa Igarashi, Shane Beschen, Rob Machado and Sage Erickson.

And the last in the list, a beautiful flower with fierce competitive spirit, recently let all dreamers, out there, know how to hit a home run in the love department.

Erickson is currently in a committed relationship with Daniel Norris who just so happens to be a Major League Baseball player and even the uneducated surfer knows that Major League Baseball can get craaaaaaaaaaazy rich.

Norris, a left handed relief pitcher with the Chicago Cubs, has been in the bigs since 2014 and is making $1.75 million this year according to Spotrac and while that is a lot, Juan Soto, who was just traded to the San Diego Padres, recently turned down $440 million because he can certainly earn more.

Imagine earning $440 million.

Better, imagine dating $440 million.

But how?

Well, Erickson just revealed what it takes. Per The New York Post:

A fortuitous DM slide has culminated in a steady relationship between two pro athletes. Sage Erickson, a 31-year-old surfer, and Daniel Norris, a veteran lefty reliever on the Cubs, have been dating for about 1 1/2 years.

“He’s just incredible,” Erickson told E! News earlier this week. “We actually met on Instagram when Instagram suggested three people to follow when you’re browsing and he was one of them.”

Erickson revealed that she followed Norris on the platform as a suggestion from the algorithm, then made the plunge to slide into his DMs when she saw he posted a photo of a surfboard.

“I love him and I love that we’re both athletes and we can understand what we go through,” Erickson said. “We very much understand long distance. We understand wins and losses and ups and downs and staying positive and we’re probably both a little bit crazy at this point from our sports and trying to adapt and stay on it.”

The classic DM slide.

Will you utilize?

Which baseball player is on your radar?

Have at it, slugger.

Open Thread: Comment Live as the US Open of Surfing stretches into unprecedented metaphorical seven-thousandth day!

Chas Smith

By

We were but babes when it began!

Kelly Slater and Tulsi G. | Photo: @tulsigabbard

World’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater invokes Tom Cruise as he joins presidential hopeful Tulsi Gabbard in pushing hot new study that reveals “big pharma falsely claimed depression was caused by a chemical imbalance – so they got people hooked on anti-depressants!”

Derek Rielly

By

“Shameful and criminal.”

A couple of days back a new study delivered an apparent coup de grâce to big pharma, revealing all those anti-depressants people are gobbling to stop ‘em from killing ‘emselves don’t do a thing. 

Media went wild, as y’might imagine, the findings feeding the suspicion, which has been driven to fever pitch by big pharma pushing COVID vaccines with debatable effectiveness, that it ain’t about health with these immoral sons of bitches, only cash.

The review, published in Molecular Psychiatry argued that there is “no support for the hypothesis that depression is caused by lowered serotonin activity or concentrations” and that, “the serotonin theory of depression is not empirically substantiated.”

And, therefore, “Depression is probably not caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain” and “antidepressants appear to have a generalized emotion-numbing effect…(and) it is not clear they do more good than harm.”  

The former Congresswoman from Hawaii, Tulsi Gabbard, noted for her no-nonsense style of biz, neither swinging left nor right, went at pharmaceutical co’s, tweeting, 

“Once again, Big Pharma rakes in billions of dollars based on lies. New study finds big pharma falsely claimed depression was caused by a chemical imbalance – so they got people hooked on  antidepressants that did nothing but increase the risk of suicide. Shameless & criminal.”

It’s since turned out the study might’ve overreached a little in its conclusions, and there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence that pills keep some of us from swinging from the rafters, but it does shine a light on our habit of trying to find easy-fix solutions, hacks, to problems.

Of course, no debate can be considered closed without the greatest surfer of all time, Kelly Slater, delivering his own riposte. 

Slater, who was a favourite to win next week’s Outernknown Tahiti Pro until the arrival of wildcard and former event runner-up Nathan Hedge, was typically pithy in response.

“Tom Cruise was right after all,” he tweeted, drawing almost two-thousand likes.

Cruise blew up the pre-internet (papers, magazines etc) in 2005 when he went on the Matt Lauer Show and said exercise, vitamins were a better solution than drugging and electro-shocking children.

Machado (pictured) outside curtain'd van.
Machado (pictured) outside curtain'd van.

Controversy explodes as surfers trade blows over whether vans with curtains covering windows belong exclusively to perverts or are an acceptable post-session setup!

Chas Smith

By

Hot topic.

Unexpected controversy exploded over the surf landscape, hours ago, as surfers fell into opposing camps around one hot topic and began trading vicious barbs. At issue, do vans with curtains covering windows belong exclusively to perverts and sex menaces or are they an appropriate set-up for post-session changings etc?

David Lee Scales brought the scenario up on our weekly chat, recently, and I imagined the truth was obvious. For debauchees. I did not know, though, that many in our community appreciate the aesthetic. My phone blew right up with surfers accusing me of deviant-ism, of profiling, of painting with too broad a moustache.

Included, one Rob Machado who coldly declared, “My van has curtains and they fucking rule.”

So where do you stand?

#TeamMasturbatorium or #TeamAllowedWithin100ftOfSchools?

David Lee and I also discussed skimboarding. All in all a very fine program.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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